I have been chained to the figurative table and forced against my will to compile a list of complaints to further your education on why Miss mobe is a disdainful wench...thus far I have come up with nothing, but I will try and continue to do it for fear I will be shrouded in grief from the rantings of my sis who laments for yet another installment in my hateful dirge...
I am broke and have been for some time and came to a realization that there is no fixing this kind of broke because I became broke by YOUR laws and morals. Funny most of you do not follow the challenges you make nor do you even keep the deals you break or learn from your mistakes and find it so damn easy to poke fun and prejudicate the person standing next to you but the gods forbid, someone would call you out in your err and make mockery of your foolish pride....I am tired of being the lone mermaid on the itchy rock in the middle of the fucking sea while everyone swims by and laughs and points...
Is it really that difficult to see your own err? Do you really need to sit and wait for me and others like me to point it out for you? And why would you expect someone to do what you yourself couldn't comply with? Demanding more than your willing to give and expect more rewards than the forsaken planet has to bear, and there is no wonder the children want no part of a future and only want a here and now. They see in advance. And YOU gave them the spyglass with which to do it with!
I have a need to aid and abet those unworthy of being aided and abetted as it were. I also have a subconscious grandiose judgment of myself believing I am capable of changing the world on a grand scale even though my efforts to do so have been fruitless and futile. I had a visit with my doc today and I came to the epiphany on my own with minimal but appreciated, help from him. I NEED to do for others at a great cost to me and for years knew it but was never completely sure why. Having asked him how to stop I figured out why. He wanted me to understand the subconscious of it and how it could imply the "thinking I am bigger than I am in the scheme of things" theory but I felt a huge weight lifted with the realization it is quite much more twisted than that. I still have no clue how to stop it but at least my heart (yes that little black coal-y lump) tells me I am headed in the right direction, but not before cracking a quiet and silent mental joke to myself about how many fuckers it takes to change a person, instead of a lightbulb!
SO...here it goes. I wanted to get rescued. Pure and simple. I wanted someone to take me away from the pain and the abuse and neglect and torment I was receiving at home and abroad from my peers and family and the people in "my" community. I wanted someone to "see" me and WANT to rescue me and still think I deserve to be rescued some way and some how. that I had/have value. I even subconsciously rationalize that if I am "seen" doing good deeds (even with a hardened heart) for others, that someone will come and put out their hand and take mine in theirs and pull me up out of the shit I have been swallowed up into, first by being placed there and forced to stay put there and secondly, by creating additional "mess" with the few crappy skills bestowed upon me by humanity and the fuckers who bore me. It's not that I set out to think that I CAN change the world so much that I hope I do a good job and get recognition for what I have done...and ultimately my reward, rescuing....
I'm sure that shook a few apples out of the barrel and I would love to tell you all a funny tale but alas today there is none. It is raw and bitter that I taste and yes, disdain. Because I AM BROKE. I WON'T BE FIXED and there is no fix in the future that will make a difference in my warped cell that YOU put me in. I am prisoner among men and women alike. I have led a life of servitude trying to buy my way into what I thought was a form of Shang Ri La and now suffer the "healthy" realization that it doesn't exist and I have been the biggest fool ever and there is no time left to reprogram the unhealthy thought patterns I seem to have, like...oh lemme see: truth, justice, fairness, loyalty, comraderie, honour, respect, regret, remorse, knowledge, etc....all those wonderful Pandora's little whore box of ills you gave me! I feel like I am the only one who knows the "code" of how to conduct one's self and how to treat others...and the "makers" of these laws do not abide one of them, let alone two or more, and here I sit a fool thinking I will get somewhere. And...I did...to a very unhappy place...congrats! Shame on me for believing in you...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
