my sister at arms told me that she missed these. She lost internet some time ago but what she said makes sense. I lost my way. And I got kicked down and back up and down and up again...but I need to find my way back again. Grief has shook me in my loss, but my loss isn't really that tragic at all if I put my mind to it and see things as they were and not as I hoped they would be or develop into.
Life has meaning even through the fog and smoke after the wars have been played. I loved fiercely and this day, the day of lovers and candy and the time to tell someone how you feel about them (if you feel all butterflies and rainbows), I am coming to grips with channeling that love into a new endeavor. It hurts when the object of one's affection moves on as if you didn't matter at all to them. It doubly hurts when they do it before resolving issues with you or making an attempt to work things out. I despise people that start new business without finishing the old. It is poor manners in life, love and business...it is the main reason over 99.9% of the world despises politicians...it's their moda operandi. Now I dust myself off and see the world around me and know I will search until the end of time for that one special person that appreciates ALL FACETS of my being. The Good, The Bad & The Ugly...
It will take time to get to where I can get through a day without thinking about it. And having distractions would help if it wasn't for the fact of it being too useful and me using someone for just that endeavor. While a cunt extraordinaire, I am also more humane than the humans themselves and think that maybe to be humane has nothing to do with that species altogether for I have seen all manner of beasts who behave quite amicably to their kin and contemporaries. I have met people and recently met an interesting fellow. He reminds me often how hard it is for him when I come back to the past. I am intimidating. Deliberately and affably and half the time not intentionally. But I do intimidate because of the nature of my beast. And I don't want to hurt anyone. Most humans would instinctively want to pay someone, anyone, back for the damage done unto them. I just don't do things that way. I don't even "get back" at the people who HAVE harmed me. I don't need to. I see fate do it to them everyday and smile knowing that at least I don't have that eating up what's on my plate for the future...
I have been quiet too long of late. I am cold on the warmest nights and hot as molten lava in the frozen tundra. I will cut you to the quick if provoked in the heat of a war, and I will lie down at your feet and piss myself gleefully like a devout puppy while you cut me for pleasure. I am both an angel and archangel and Queen and peasant and scholar and idiot. I am many things but not a fool. Just foolish in love and looking to be foolish again, only with a different tormentor, maybe one who will love all of my personnas this time...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
