Lost Inheritance

so remind me again why the world is black and white and who gets to decide what exactly black and white are?

Color is what it should be but what if yellow is not jaune but more like noir..."bete noir"...and what if "table" is actually the word for bed?

We strive to find order and understanding in this world (some of us anyway), and you cannot obtain a gain to that endeavor without the strife in the strive itself. Language creates barriers and with the advent of technology over the course of the last fifteen, twenty, thirty, fifty years, we find ourselves losing our language at an alarming rate. Is one of the very reasons I admire interpreters and those capable of many "tongues" and dialects and want to learn more language myself, even if my seedier side only wants to tell people to either "fuck off" or to "fuck me" in several cultural languages...Rosetta Stone doesn't teach you the good shit you know...

What if we have this all wrong and that killing and raping and pillaging and lying are truly the "good" things in life and that being the opposite damns a person's soul to holy inferno eternity? We don't castigate coyotes for killing or grizzlies or great whites or king cobras...we don't even castigate Ebola and anthrax...we study them. We study death in infinite. We study what we perceive is life, too, but life is the eternal waiting room for the occurrence of death itself.

I am accused of looking at things incorrectly. *chuckles

But what if I got this spot on? What if it is all about communication and language and that, for the most part, there truly isn't a rule. It is killed or be killed. Why prolong it? Why MUST we see who can live the longest? We don't own this land no matter what pieces of paper governments hold. They have deeds? What supreme authority who owns the planet in entirety doled out portions of it to greedy asshats and insidious bastards? I would like to take a closer look at these "deeds" and the relinquishing parties.

We TAKE what we need and we give back what we don't and yes, take what we don't need but rather covet and give so little. But neither of these is wrong. Open the coffers at the nuke plants and open the coffers at the armory and let the fuckers who want war kill each other, thus rendering the population to return to acceptable numbers and allow that the biggest infestation (humankind *giggles...those that know why it is worded this way by me will get it and those that don't will have to follow more closely in the future...) gets righted properly and ceases to be a drain on the resources. Allow that the noble of mind and education who want to preserve "quality" examples of each species to continue on into a new millenia...

*looking up, It would certainly solve poverty and famine and disease for sure. We are becoming the dinosaurs of the future at the hands of a select few. I will not be a sheep. I will spill my own blood fighting that oppression of continuity with pen and sword in hand...

"Lost Horizon" impacted me a great deal and I dream of the nirvana of peace and a life of knowledge and tranquility. I don't have to be famous and could care less who the fuck is in charge. No one should be. But I can't wait for the day when either the biggest blight on this planet turns itself into a fossil fuel for new species (maybe even a few older ones *wink) to utilize as they live out their life peacefully exploring the rock we share and the others that lie in the universe or the meek and genius truly inherit the earth....~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

(in the distance, if you prick your ears and listen real close you can hear the cry of every newly born living thing crying out for what they are entitled to...hear the wolves cry and the leaves rustle and the micro-cosmic booms of the division of cells and tell me how just a few in eight billion inherit it all...)

Changing Course...

it's nice to come to an epiphany again in one's life even if is causes distress, however unintended, in another. I love for me. There was a time where I would have lived for you and her and him, but now, it is about me. Me and what I need and what I don't need...

Mind you it isn't easy facing one's truths, not that I was dishonest. Sometimes it just comes about that you cannot define what is going on or what the future needs to entail for you and when it finally hits you, it's like all the lights going on in the Smithsonian all at once and the manuscripts of your soul coming alive...

Truth #1. I like sex and want sex and yes, even need sex. Raw, immersed and carnal as they come. I don't have an issue with admitting this, and most people who know me and even a few who don't right away, can pretty much tell you what the agenda is today in the sewers of my brain. But this leads us to other truths...

Truth #2. Life is raw and real and doesn't always bring you what you want unless of course you are inhuman and happen to have a way with words and can not only articulate but fully accept the consequences of your actions in order to get what you want. It's powerful shit here I am talking about! Pay attention...

Truth #3. I can and DO get what I want when I want it. There is a certain amount of guilt. It's part of the consequences that goes with the territory. I accepted that but it doesn't equate me "liking" it one bit. You can accrue some serious karmic imbalance for the taking...

Truth #5. In my heart of hearts I never WANTED or "set out" to use people. Like so many other people in this world and my past and future, I am a product by design and environment and having been neglected and mistreated in my youth, it lead me to TAKE what I needed at all costs and to survive in that fetid and feral manner...not an excuse but a realization...

Truth #6. You've heard the saying (I know I will botch it but go with this folks!) that if you keep getting the same results that you are unhappy with and you haven't tried to do the things differently, then why are you so damned surprised when the results haven't changed either? This truth comes into play because, in all honesty, I want to make a concerted effort to change what I am doing. I don't like my results anymore. I am growing up, I guess, and there's a subtle sadness knowing I can't play jacks and jump rope anymore. I have come to a place where I no longer speak as a child or think as a child and now, the final piece to my tome, I am putting away childish things...

Truth #7. I know what love is and what it isn't and have seen it in many forms. I will never regret loving anyone, if even it was just a little or a lot and I am not going to defend my love for another because a person cannot understand it. This is where it goes back to living my life for me. I will not tolerate someone questioning my decisions. I will answer your questions in as lady-like a manner as possible but only to keep the peace so long; hostile interrogations will be met swiftly with strict contempt and a penchant for a blood sacrifice...

Truth #8. When I needed things I took them. But I always paid the piper, willingly, to get what I needed and always "tipped" well. I didn't just rob things and go looting through the souls and lives candidly as if I owned the joint. I gave more than I got and may have even set a personal price on my own soul a little too low for the value of what it truly is...leading us to...

Truth #9. I am worth more than the sum of my fears. I am in a place now where even though I am not at my peak in the looks and strength departments, I have come to accept and love myself more and set a higher price and value for the knowledge and love and understanding I bring to the table. Right now, I am still stinging from the karmic balance, but I know if I start changing my actions, I will start getting a different reaction. Just a little leery as to whether it will be for the better or not, citing back to truth numbers 1 & 3 respectively...

Truth #10. I am changing my actions because I want love again. I want to love and be loved this time. And I want it to be the last and to endure as long as either one of us endures (situations point to me crossing into another plane before they do)...this new love doesn't take away from the love I feel for others. They are separate entities and have no bearing on one or the other. My heart is big enough to care for many and had I been blessed with all the children I created, I would have many more to love, still love. It doesn't dishonor love to walk away from it and let it be. It doesn't dishonor love given when it is not received. It doesn't dishonor love to continue to care from afar while moving ahead with one's life. It doesn't dishonor love to love, again...

Truth #11. I have done many things most would be ashamed of but I say here and now that I am not ashamed of my actions. Only my motives, in afterthought. I ate like a starving street urchin and drank like a sot and fucked like a whore and slept like a bear, but I fought this world with everything I had and bled for my life and my child's life and my values and morals...and I wouldn't change a thing...not the poverty or the tears, because I learned how to love and me coming from a gross lack of it as an example...

Truth #12. I want the best for my kid. Why am I bringing this up? Because what I want for her isn't as important as what she wants for herself  Whats's best for her is what makes her happy, and she will get her own karma-kick-in-the-ass on her own without me pushing my ideals. What's best for her is to live her life with the tools I and her community has given her and to do so with no regrets. It's all I can ask. I had hopes and standards I wanted for her but they were my wants and not her own. She will be fine and she will fall, as we all do from time to time, but she knows I will be a constant in her life and a beacon for her, and I am grateful for being able to set some fine examples, as well as a few wrong ones, if they give her the courage to go out and fight with her all...finally! Almost there...

Truth #13. The last and final piece...I won't give up. I continue my battle and my conflict within myself and do so proudly. I fight and the fight ensues and I carry my scars and memories and baggage and tools with me. My life will never be drama free because no life should be. You should wreck it. You CAN'T take it with you. I don't want to die all pretty and being Miss Goody-Two-Shoes with no dirty little smirks of knowing and nothing but an empty pretty shell to leave behind. I want my tales of failure and achievement and triumphs and loss to ignite and instill hope for future generations...

This is what we leave when we go. Not dollars and cents and heirlooms and companies. Our tales. Our folklore and heritage and the people we come from, no matter what type of bastards they be and the people we met and the people we loved. This is what makes life worth living. Not the beer and the wine and the ass and the money but the time spent chasing the beer and wine and ass and money. It wasn't where I was headed or whether I got my name in the marquee lights, it was falling off the fucking ladder, hanging onto one of the bulbs while my best friend pushed for dear life on my fat ass praying I wouldn't fart or shit on her, accidentally, in the hopes I CAN get my name on that fucking billboard...the two of us toppling to the ground and breaking our legs and some sexy EMTs showing up to bandage us and put us on a morphine drip, giving us the perfect excuse to sneak in some ex lover to shag the fuck out of in our joint room at the hospital. This is life. This is the curtain and what you splatter on it, blood-sweat-tears, is what matters...not when it fell or what costume you wore on stage...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Lessons Learned

...so, emotions run deep when the winds of dismay shake your perfect little world. You deal with shit as it comes but sometimes you are the last person in the line for the game of "Telephone," and by the time the story's truth reaches you, you are already too invested into the situation and suffer great loss for the damage to unfold ahead...

Life isn't perfect. Yadda yadda yadda, I get it. But we strive to live perfectly in an imperfect place. We do all the right things and cross all our t's and dot all our i's and still, the variables are as numerous as the stars in the universe. You can never control all that's within your world around you. It is a lie to think you can and you are fooling yourself. So, should you be pissed at yourself for doing things right and coming up empty, or should you put your feet back on the ground and hold your head high and keep moving forward? I have to move forward. If there's one thing I have learned it is that. I don't revisit the past haunts and such. Sure I can take a tour de force once in a while but I just don't go dragging old skeletons out and adding them to the "potentials" when it has already been proven that they don't add up.

I now know what it is to love with everything you have. I don't feel the slightest bit ashamed that I did or even for whom. Now, I am just in a place where I need to keep true to my word but still protect myself from the poison I have become so familiar with. I can't drink from that cup anymore and his choice has made it so he has doomed the both of us to never getting a chance. He in his foolish and selfishness and I in my lost and reckless abandon. I am letting go...

Have been bleeding out for damn near a month and it's high time I plug that hole. My heart will mend and even my mind but right now is not the time. I won't be pushed into the next problem. I want something more for myself than the hands the fates have dealt me. And I don't want to be used again but understand that comes with the territory when a person doesn't take their time to research...and even when they do. It is part of the cycle. My first husband, hell, my first husband-to-be taught me that. Life is anything but a permanency.

My goal now is to meet and make new friends. And to keep reminding myself you don't "dick" your friends. I need to remember that one, first and foremost. It isn't going to be what you want if the first things you take from it are immediate pleasures and base it on that from the get go. I don't need to reassure myself I am wanted. I don't need to be reassured I am approved of, and if I am wanted now I will certainly be wanted later when I have come to terms with my psyche once again and am prepared for something mature and complimentary to both. I am aware of the work I have ahead and cannot sit and witness the destruction of another while my life passes me by...he or she will live with the choices they make as I have my own to bear...

So, I will continue to bleed. The hole isn't gaping any longer but I still feel the sticky trickle of red life escaping from it. I cry those moments, alone. It is my pain to bear. And I feel the sting and record it every time to replay it again and again in the future to remind myself of this lesson. Never be afraid of honesty and love and friendship. Sometimes you can do every thing correctly and just make one simple small mistake that sets the dominoes falling. Sometimes that one little mistake is just saying "hello," but you should never let that hinder you from continuing to emulate love and intelligence and kindness and honesty and faithfulness towards mankind. I have seen savage beasts treat their nemeses with better couth than humankind does its own kin. I will continue to rise above that and do my species great honor and be who I am in spite of the results...and I will continue to say...hello~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.