searching in the wind and crying in the dark a voice is heard howling at the pain inside that it cannot escape. No one, not even brethren, knows the torment it holds and what it will take to ease the suffering. No one truly cares either as the sound of twisted torment goes on so long that it is a deafening interference at this point. Agonizing crunches of mineral and metal as the bones begin to give way the weight of the soul. The poor damned creature wonders if the beasts of the wood can hear with their keen senses the breaking of ribs and legs and neck and spine. It is amusing even that this should be of concern but it is a method in the madness that will save our subject's sanity for years to come.
The wonderment of death has always fascinated me and it has always piqued my interest to find a communication with animals that I have. I have often wondered what they can truly hear and what they cannot, but I do know the subtle swish of two quiet fingers will beckon a beloved from a great distance when a full out loud holler cannot even bring forth my own offspring from her room when the whole house is quiet. I am devoted in my love to these animals, and even the ones I fear, I fully understand and adore. I respect their power and their choices in whom to allow and not allow to be a part of their lives. I offer no restraints to them except in rare cases where I deem it necessary for their fight or flight thoughts would put them in grave danger. My passion has been the distraction of my own pain and it is no wonder of my curious nature or the curious nature of those like myself. My own daughter suffers her own universe and though her physical pain is not the caliber of my own, I know her mental anguish is akin. I feel for her plight but am no more in love with her than say a stranger for her world to me is strange and my fondness for her is one of kinship and nothing more. I see her through until it is her time to take her own reigns and then her choices are her own.
So it would be of no significance to me to what she fears or dislikes and the reason why and my curiosity ends there. I have been thorough in her upbringing and given her so much more than my peers have given their own children. I still need a focus and for the most part sex gives me the perfect distraction to the pain I must endure. I grow tired but still require no more than five hours sleep as my biologicals wake me promptly whether I am ready or not. It's a game, really, to see what will give out first, my psyche or my being. A race if you will between sanity and mobility and neither seems to be letting up as I evolve, rather devolve, into something I don't want to be. Don't get me wrong. I am who I am supposed to be and what I was intended to be, but I am as unsure of where I am headed as the rest of the pack and with my insight it just seems so wrong. I no longer listen when I should or hear what is made to hear and am lost. A lamb in wolf's clothes and feeling so entirely out of place on the rock at moonlight's hour. All other wolfen accept me and fear me and I fear myself. Is there no one out there like me? Is there no one out there my equal who is afraid of themselves and looking for me? I am lost and getting more so and want the comfort of humanity to save what is left of what I am. And, for that, I abhor myself in my own perverted neediness. Desolate and codependent and unwilling specimen. When will this end and I be released from this prison?~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
A Less Than Chaotic Curtain
getting a jump upon things seems to ease a burden I feel to get my life in order before my impending doom. My intentions, though noble, are always balancing on a cliff of sorts and I feel my grip with reality shrinking as I get older. I am no longer sure what is me anymore or them and what is mine to own or theirs as they have become integral parts of my life dictating and orchestrating the background music to my folly.
I am aware of a certain truth in it and find it so hard to share most days. People have their opinions one way or another and those that don't agree strongly don't and those that do don't fully understand and act like meek sheep lead to the slaughter. I don't want to lead or follow and I don't even want to walk alongside anyone. I am at war with myself and constantly battle my demons and find to walk alone would be better suited to my final days. One could say I am prostrating myself in the end and they wouldn't be wrong but it is a transformation I think that most would go through. I even contemplate about the condition if I am wrong. What will they think? Will they negate every good deed I have ever accomplish in lieu of the one or two miscalculations I have had thus far? For all of humanity I have learned to err is inevitable and just once can erase a lifetime of love and devotion. I know. I have seen it.
Order is all around me and I look back at my past and find I am not as structured as I once was. I used to be monstrous about housekeeping and storing and tidying up and now find I do so little other than the thought processes to maintain. I am no pig of sorts-I just am a lot less anal retentive than I used to be and it's made me conscientious about what I have put others through in my eclectic need to be too efficient. As I have gotten older I have figured out what matters most to me. My kid and my beloved four-legged kids and my significant other, if i have one, and family and good friends matter. There will be no more mindless scrubbing the infinite amount of dirt and dust from my world. I won't cover my scars anymore than my contempt for them and certainly will not hide them any longer. I have little of what I once had left. There are things I may not be able to do and things I want to do but certainly wouldn't because of how they may affect those I care about, but I am going to try and knock off a few things off the bucket list I have. I have accomplished a lot in my day, but it wasn't the things I wanted to so much as things others admired or wanted to do. Now it is my turn...fat lady on the loose!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
I am aware of a certain truth in it and find it so hard to share most days. People have their opinions one way or another and those that don't agree strongly don't and those that do don't fully understand and act like meek sheep lead to the slaughter. I don't want to lead or follow and I don't even want to walk alongside anyone. I am at war with myself and constantly battle my demons and find to walk alone would be better suited to my final days. One could say I am prostrating myself in the end and they wouldn't be wrong but it is a transformation I think that most would go through. I even contemplate about the condition if I am wrong. What will they think? Will they negate every good deed I have ever accomplish in lieu of the one or two miscalculations I have had thus far? For all of humanity I have learned to err is inevitable and just once can erase a lifetime of love and devotion. I know. I have seen it.
Order is all around me and I look back at my past and find I am not as structured as I once was. I used to be monstrous about housekeeping and storing and tidying up and now find I do so little other than the thought processes to maintain. I am no pig of sorts-I just am a lot less anal retentive than I used to be and it's made me conscientious about what I have put others through in my eclectic need to be too efficient. As I have gotten older I have figured out what matters most to me. My kid and my beloved four-legged kids and my significant other, if i have one, and family and good friends matter. There will be no more mindless scrubbing the infinite amount of dirt and dust from my world. I won't cover my scars anymore than my contempt for them and certainly will not hide them any longer. I have little of what I once had left. There are things I may not be able to do and things I want to do but certainly wouldn't because of how they may affect those I care about, but I am going to try and knock off a few things off the bucket list I have. I have accomplished a lot in my day, but it wasn't the things I wanted to so much as things others admired or wanted to do. Now it is my turn...fat lady on the loose!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Where Do We Go From Here
watching movies with family can be the ordeal of a lifetime. Watching them alone with your child or a loved one can be rewarding. Never has my "little" girl been able to stay awake for any. It's as if they lull her to sleep and she always routs for her mother's breast and arm or whatever she can nuzzle close to. Tonight was no different and my little one is fifteen. It doesn't matter if the movie is at one in the afternoon or ten at night, she will pass out securely in my arms putting them to sleep like a twisted domino effect-only I am fully awake and cramping like hell. Movies, love them or leave them, they are a window into all we hope to be, fear becoming or glimpses of fragments from the past.
You ever see the coming attractions on television or at the theatre and think to yourself making the mental note that you have to see this one or that one? I do and I guess I figured most of you would too. But I also make little mental notes as to what movies I want to watch with whom and whether or not I plan to devote a hundred percent of my time to focusing on the subject material or to multi-task and soak in all the audio and pieces of visual.
I have written reviews before for movies and have related to all sorts of genres and stories from them regardless of the period of history and gender of the hero/heroine. This evening my daughter hounded me to get a movie from the Redbox at our local Walmart. She has a pretty good memory and when I feel mine slipping I know I can count on her. I didn't want to rent it this evening because my brother's children were all over for the weekend and it is next to near impossible to become absorbed into the fantasy when you have six children ranging in ages two to ten bandying about and cavorting in their collective boredom. I even bribed them after deciding to get the flick by getting two children's fare. "Ramona & Beezus" and "Gnomeo & Juliette" were adorable and the tots couldn't sit still for either. I will probably have to catch them on free tv in the future as I did not get to fully enjoy them. But back at the rental box my Lobo points out several times how I wanted to see this other movie because it's subject matter deals with my own fundamental existence and beliefs. "Hereafter" deals with very adult subject matter and there's nary a cuss word, exposed breast or crude sexual innuendo at all. It's the point of the film that strikes close to home and its adultness. It portrays three lives. A man who is hiding from his ability in being able to correspond with the dead as a medium, a woman who died and came back and a small boy who lost his twin (older) brother tragically who both came from a less than perfect home life. I cannot tell you too much about the movie in that it would spoil the whole film and I will say this, close to one third of the dialogue is in French, I know French, but not this good or fast of it. I can read it better. I did not put the movie on closed captioning because I saw no need as I was able to distinguish what was going on without the dialogue due to my own correspondence with the things most people cannot see. My intuition comes into play as well, and I found the moments where the language exchanged from my native tongue to a more romantic one quite beautiful and it seemed to be the only time my family would be still. Intently watching me knowing I am the most capable of distinguishing what was going on and deciphering a good quarter of the speech, they waited and begged me to let them in on who was saying what. Now you may find this cruel but life gives you back what you gave and they had theirs coming and I told my brother the lady, in question, was expressing disdain for the big guy on the couch with the hairy bare chest to keep his mouth shut so she could remember her lines! Imagine his shock and awe, and I suppose under my evil circumstances he took it well, though it could have had far more disastrous results. I never did tell them what was going on or why and they never really asked again assuming I didn't know.
I know this. I felt a kinship to each of the three people in the film. I too have died, lost someone very dear and close and been capable, but hiding, in my ability to speak freely with the dead. It overwhelmed me and these days I cry at movies old and new at the drop of a hat. Only, today, it wasn't so. Oh I hurt and felt the pain and sorrow for what these people had undergone, but I wasn't upset nor happy in it. I accepted it like you would a scraped knee or bruised rib after a well fought battle. It gave me hope in being able to cope with my dirty little secrets I no longer hide, my thoughts on my own mortality bearing down upon my head and missing the ones I love. The title was too small and too insignificant I believe. "Hereafter"..."hereafter today things are never going to be the same." Or one of my favorite from the past a la dad, "you will never see the light of day from hereafter for that Missy!" - this last one was almost prophetic wasn't it? No, I think it should have said something more in the title but not too kitschy. "Death and a Human Condition" sounds better to me. "Denial is Not a River in Egypt" would have been funny. But "Where Do We Go From Here" seems to fit. Where does a medium go to get away from the hounding public all wanting answers he can't always give? Where do you go when you have died and know what's waiting on the other side and to stay behind and live seems so pointless? Where do you go when the only person you have ever been able to count on is gone? Yeah I think it fits but I'm no producer or marketing agent...I'm just saying.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
You ever see the coming attractions on television or at the theatre and think to yourself making the mental note that you have to see this one or that one? I do and I guess I figured most of you would too. But I also make little mental notes as to what movies I want to watch with whom and whether or not I plan to devote a hundred percent of my time to focusing on the subject material or to multi-task and soak in all the audio and pieces of visual.
I have written reviews before for movies and have related to all sorts of genres and stories from them regardless of the period of history and gender of the hero/heroine. This evening my daughter hounded me to get a movie from the Redbox at our local Walmart. She has a pretty good memory and when I feel mine slipping I know I can count on her. I didn't want to rent it this evening because my brother's children were all over for the weekend and it is next to near impossible to become absorbed into the fantasy when you have six children ranging in ages two to ten bandying about and cavorting in their collective boredom. I even bribed them after deciding to get the flick by getting two children's fare. "Ramona & Beezus" and "Gnomeo & Juliette" were adorable and the tots couldn't sit still for either. I will probably have to catch them on free tv in the future as I did not get to fully enjoy them. But back at the rental box my Lobo points out several times how I wanted to see this other movie because it's subject matter deals with my own fundamental existence and beliefs. "Hereafter" deals with very adult subject matter and there's nary a cuss word, exposed breast or crude sexual innuendo at all. It's the point of the film that strikes close to home and its adultness. It portrays three lives. A man who is hiding from his ability in being able to correspond with the dead as a medium, a woman who died and came back and a small boy who lost his twin (older) brother tragically who both came from a less than perfect home life. I cannot tell you too much about the movie in that it would spoil the whole film and I will say this, close to one third of the dialogue is in French, I know French, but not this good or fast of it. I can read it better. I did not put the movie on closed captioning because I saw no need as I was able to distinguish what was going on without the dialogue due to my own correspondence with the things most people cannot see. My intuition comes into play as well, and I found the moments where the language exchanged from my native tongue to a more romantic one quite beautiful and it seemed to be the only time my family would be still. Intently watching me knowing I am the most capable of distinguishing what was going on and deciphering a good quarter of the speech, they waited and begged me to let them in on who was saying what. Now you may find this cruel but life gives you back what you gave and they had theirs coming and I told my brother the lady, in question, was expressing disdain for the big guy on the couch with the hairy bare chest to keep his mouth shut so she could remember her lines! Imagine his shock and awe, and I suppose under my evil circumstances he took it well, though it could have had far more disastrous results. I never did tell them what was going on or why and they never really asked again assuming I didn't know.
I know this. I felt a kinship to each of the three people in the film. I too have died, lost someone very dear and close and been capable, but hiding, in my ability to speak freely with the dead. It overwhelmed me and these days I cry at movies old and new at the drop of a hat. Only, today, it wasn't so. Oh I hurt and felt the pain and sorrow for what these people had undergone, but I wasn't upset nor happy in it. I accepted it like you would a scraped knee or bruised rib after a well fought battle. It gave me hope in being able to cope with my dirty little secrets I no longer hide, my thoughts on my own mortality bearing down upon my head and missing the ones I love. The title was too small and too insignificant I believe. "Hereafter"..."hereafter today things are never going to be the same." Or one of my favorite from the past a la dad, "you will never see the light of day from hereafter for that Missy!" - this last one was almost prophetic wasn't it? No, I think it should have said something more in the title but not too kitschy. "Death and a Human Condition" sounds better to me. "Denial is Not a River in Egypt" would have been funny. But "Where Do We Go From Here" seems to fit. Where does a medium go to get away from the hounding public all wanting answers he can't always give? Where do you go when you have died and know what's waiting on the other side and to stay behind and live seems so pointless? Where do you go when the only person you have ever been able to count on is gone? Yeah I think it fits but I'm no producer or marketing agent...I'm just saying.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Guardians
ran through and through until the blade chucked against the concrete wall. He fell in a slump where the blood had begun not seconds earlier to pool underneath his fifteen hundred dollar Italian leather shoes. It's a pity to be tied to so much and it serve you so little. I couldn't even hide the snicker from my lips when I looked up from my bounty. A little girl was playing in the park across the way and I could smell the scent of strawberries and flowers from the soap her mother had bathed her in the night before. She's some several hundred yards out and the scent is so strong. I am becoming feral again and soon will have to go back home to hide in the hills and caves up most high and call to my family until the phase passes.
These people wouldn't understand. They attend schools and bars and jobs and then go home to their mundane lives and their television sets and computers and games and are so lost to what is actually occurring right out their own front doors. Humans, you can't live with them but you can get a license to weed some of them out in the process of a pick-up! It's so funny how the eyes of a child can be so innocent but so understanding in these matters. She smiled at me and went about her dally with her bear and a little boy her own age in tow. Such beautiful creatures these two and it is a shame to see what their kind grows up to be. Now I have to contain the scene and get on the drive before my boss rings me again. I can only avoid his call so many times before they send out the cavalry for me and as futile as that is, it is still useful enough of a threat to fuck with my day.
On the ground crouches a small squat woman in black dress. From her head to her feet her clothes were as dark as soot and nothing really stood out about her. She looked friendly enough and smiled as the children played as she placed the heavy black nylon bag into the back of her jeep. Fumbling for her keys, she took one last glance at the little girl with her teddy and chuckled remembering her own little fists clutched to her memories back then. Boarding the driver's side she charged up the engine and was off, to nowhere, where no one goes, no one human dare tread.
All the cats loved her kind. She could see them staring at her from every doorstep and every landing as she passed slowly combing the streets for her last collar. Her badge was the only thing that mattered to her after losing her father some ten years ago. Having married too many times to count and lost too many children she thought it best to keep to the company of her own kind. It was safer this way for her and for them. How she loved the kill and the smell and the feel of the life force as she ripped it from some deserving soul after another. She was good at it and had excelled beyond her bosses expectations and is certainly qualified of her position and is just a bit disturbed that the Cabinet should find it necessary to keep tabs on her so closely. Driving down the long road towards the warehouse where she takes her prey, she plays wildly in her mind in the waterfalls back home filled with icy currents shielded by sheets of cold glass. Michael is calling her and she can hear him and his laughter. Soon her tablet will ring and she will toy with him as usual and he will balk at her and pretend it "wasn't so" and they will slip into the old routine. No matter the distance they will always hear each others thoughts. It is one of the reasons she decided to remain celibate after the last husband left. Michael as well because it made it just a teensy bit awkward when she went home to know in an instant that he was listening in on her love making. Never were two kids closer as twins and she herself being subject to many of her brother's dates caroling from the back seat of their father's old Volkswagon. Sure enough, like clockwork, the tablet on the seat next to her started chiming to the bells of Livonia and she touched it ever so lightly to see her twin's bubbly features. He tells her not to be late as if he thinks the torch of fatherhood was passed to him when papa died. She assures him she will be plenty late and drunk and even threw in that she will bring a "loud one" to randy with in her old room up close to the wall where he won't have to waste his skill to hear! Their shared laughter was jubilant and she bade him goodbye as her vehicle pulled into the bay.
Once the engine was killed and her paperwork handed over to the senior officer she proceeded to the back of the jeep to find her package missing. It was in there when she left and now she has to account for its whereabouts, and without much triviality of the situation she sauntered up in her waddlish way to the Collector's rooms. With hands folded and placed in her lap she fidgeted for an hour listening to the telephone conversation knowing it was going to be an inconvenience to no one but herself. It was him. she knew it and they had been searching for his ass for two centuries now. This one was insane to the point to where he was unpredictable. It wasn't that they couldn't catch him, her brother tried. So did her father. But now it would fall to her and his insanity had proved quite perfect for his release. Now her boss was glaring at her and accusing her and even threatening her and all she could do was to hold fast and dive into the icy falls in her mind as naked as the day she was born. Only this time, when she surfaced the pool was red and thick and choking in the blood of all her collars. She was tops and here was her proof. Panic set in and soon she would be back in the alleyway removing that blade and retracting the metal from her homeland into its kilt. The smell was coppery and acrid with a faint hint of new death upon it as it filled her nostrils and flooded her mind. It was sweet and tempting but she knew it would make her sick so she shook it off and made her apologies and headed for home. She would be back in two weeks and if it wasn't good enough they would have to lock her up for two weeks, so either way they had to let her go as her time had come upon her. It was only once a year in human time so it wasn't as if she had another choice. Home, the safety of the cliff dwelling her ancestral family built some millenia ago. Home was where her parents died and her children became lost and her husbands had fled in terror. Home and Michael and the forests.
As the engine roared one last time and the jeep disappears in the distance a smirk crosses her face again and her eyes squint into vile slits as the sun comes up. Torment from the wait they had succeeded in punishing her after all and it really didn't matter so long as she didn't transform within the city limits. Rats and cats and dogs were not her cup of tea and in the hills and aeries back home no one questioned the bloodshed as all were equally guilty in the need to eat. Smoke billowed from the tailpipe and was soon lost in the light of the sunstar as Michel drove in agony to her brother's keep.
These people wouldn't understand. They attend schools and bars and jobs and then go home to their mundane lives and their television sets and computers and games and are so lost to what is actually occurring right out their own front doors. Humans, you can't live with them but you can get a license to weed some of them out in the process of a pick-up! It's so funny how the eyes of a child can be so innocent but so understanding in these matters. She smiled at me and went about her dally with her bear and a little boy her own age in tow. Such beautiful creatures these two and it is a shame to see what their kind grows up to be. Now I have to contain the scene and get on the drive before my boss rings me again. I can only avoid his call so many times before they send out the cavalry for me and as futile as that is, it is still useful enough of a threat to fuck with my day.
On the ground crouches a small squat woman in black dress. From her head to her feet her clothes were as dark as soot and nothing really stood out about her. She looked friendly enough and smiled as the children played as she placed the heavy black nylon bag into the back of her jeep. Fumbling for her keys, she took one last glance at the little girl with her teddy and chuckled remembering her own little fists clutched to her memories back then. Boarding the driver's side she charged up the engine and was off, to nowhere, where no one goes, no one human dare tread.
All the cats loved her kind. She could see them staring at her from every doorstep and every landing as she passed slowly combing the streets for her last collar. Her badge was the only thing that mattered to her after losing her father some ten years ago. Having married too many times to count and lost too many children she thought it best to keep to the company of her own kind. It was safer this way for her and for them. How she loved the kill and the smell and the feel of the life force as she ripped it from some deserving soul after another. She was good at it and had excelled beyond her bosses expectations and is certainly qualified of her position and is just a bit disturbed that the Cabinet should find it necessary to keep tabs on her so closely. Driving down the long road towards the warehouse where she takes her prey, she plays wildly in her mind in the waterfalls back home filled with icy currents shielded by sheets of cold glass. Michael is calling her and she can hear him and his laughter. Soon her tablet will ring and she will toy with him as usual and he will balk at her and pretend it "wasn't so" and they will slip into the old routine. No matter the distance they will always hear each others thoughts. It is one of the reasons she decided to remain celibate after the last husband left. Michael as well because it made it just a teensy bit awkward when she went home to know in an instant that he was listening in on her love making. Never were two kids closer as twins and she herself being subject to many of her brother's dates caroling from the back seat of their father's old Volkswagon. Sure enough, like clockwork, the tablet on the seat next to her started chiming to the bells of Livonia and she touched it ever so lightly to see her twin's bubbly features. He tells her not to be late as if he thinks the torch of fatherhood was passed to him when papa died. She assures him she will be plenty late and drunk and even threw in that she will bring a "loud one" to randy with in her old room up close to the wall where he won't have to waste his skill to hear! Their shared laughter was jubilant and she bade him goodbye as her vehicle pulled into the bay.
Once the engine was killed and her paperwork handed over to the senior officer she proceeded to the back of the jeep to find her package missing. It was in there when she left and now she has to account for its whereabouts, and without much triviality of the situation she sauntered up in her waddlish way to the Collector's rooms. With hands folded and placed in her lap she fidgeted for an hour listening to the telephone conversation knowing it was going to be an inconvenience to no one but herself. It was him. she knew it and they had been searching for his ass for two centuries now. This one was insane to the point to where he was unpredictable. It wasn't that they couldn't catch him, her brother tried. So did her father. But now it would fall to her and his insanity had proved quite perfect for his release. Now her boss was glaring at her and accusing her and even threatening her and all she could do was to hold fast and dive into the icy falls in her mind as naked as the day she was born. Only this time, when she surfaced the pool was red and thick and choking in the blood of all her collars. She was tops and here was her proof. Panic set in and soon she would be back in the alleyway removing that blade and retracting the metal from her homeland into its kilt. The smell was coppery and acrid with a faint hint of new death upon it as it filled her nostrils and flooded her mind. It was sweet and tempting but she knew it would make her sick so she shook it off and made her apologies and headed for home. She would be back in two weeks and if it wasn't good enough they would have to lock her up for two weeks, so either way they had to let her go as her time had come upon her. It was only once a year in human time so it wasn't as if she had another choice. Home, the safety of the cliff dwelling her ancestral family built some millenia ago. Home was where her parents died and her children became lost and her husbands had fled in terror. Home and Michael and the forests.
As the engine roared one last time and the jeep disappears in the distance a smirk crosses her face again and her eyes squint into vile slits as the sun comes up. Torment from the wait they had succeeded in punishing her after all and it really didn't matter so long as she didn't transform within the city limits. Rats and cats and dogs were not her cup of tea and in the hills and aeries back home no one questioned the bloodshed as all were equally guilty in the need to eat. Smoke billowed from the tailpipe and was soon lost in the light of the sunstar as Michel drove in agony to her brother's keep.
The Women's Share of Disdain
many words come to mind when conversing on the unhappiness I have with the same sex. There are just too many days that make me ashamed to be a female, but then I think about Lobo and my body and my skills and such and grin and say "Nah...."
The chief complaint would be the interpersonal skills of women. I myself am a product of that fold and the fallacies of such. Men have issues with us and the majority of my gender really don't care. We don't listen to them any more than they do to us. The theory of relativity and how survival of the fittest comes to play leaves one scratching their head to figure out how it all fits and why we choose who we choose. Girls pick a guy based upon the lies he tells and then get all in a tizzy over the fact he told lies, after thirty of her female family members and companions have already told her they would. If I approached a cave and several dozen people come screaming out and tell me not to go in there and why, I have a choice to make. I could go in and be fine, or I could go in and suffer immensely, but I cannot go in and suffer immensely and then come out and whine and cry over the result turning out exactly as I was warned. If shit goes to pot, then I pull my tail between my legs and take my lumps and crawl out and dust myself off and move on. Sounds proper doesn't it? Now let's see a show of hands who really does this (miss mobe holds up both hands and a drawing of a third hand in one of them). Unfortunately, after glancing quickly but not too quick, there aren't enough hands-if they were honest. We throw ourselves on the fire and then scream bloody hell when it burns! Duuuuuhhh! Of course it burns! Did you think you were so special that the fates would make the fire cold to your touch and spare you the humiliation of your ignorance?
Relationships are like that. Women go charging head first into the world's worst candidate because they hate to be alone as much as the "mommy seekers" do and then freak out. And each time is worse than the last. But look at what you are creating in the men when you do this. When you vie for an unsuitable mate you are inflating his ego well beyond the point his fragile mind could handle. He crumbles under the pressure and feels the need to keep secrets and lie to you because he cannot possibly live "up" to your level. It weighs him down and makes the majority of them in this situation resentful and accusatory. I'm not saying a "10" should pass up on everyone who isn't a "10" or vice versa. But if a person cannot take care of themselves, what makes you think they can take care of you? If they treat their own siblings and children and parents like shit and servants and the family appears to be in distress, what makes you think that they even remotely resemble "Prince Charming"? I watch my girlfriends get hurt and my sisters create hurt and they tell me they love these men. Fine. You love men that are weak and useless sitting on your couch with their Wii and their buddies and a beer without a job while you work and pay the bills and do most all of the domestic chores so they can live like they're your son and not your partner. I'm bisexual-I want one of you guys! To be able to be free of responsibility and have someone cater to my every whim and expect nothing...bliss, man fucking bliss!
Live within your means and NEVER be afraid to stand up for yourself. Quit telling these slackers and losers that they are far more special than they are and quit giving them a license to behave like fourteen year olds and do nothing. Find a man who will work and work WITH you and share in the responsibilities, and not interfere with who you are and who you associate with. Don't take advantage of your man when you get a good one and don't go trolling for what you don't deserve and what certainly don't deserve you. Be kind and temperate with your words. You are NOT their mother and owe them nothing, so don't tell me how they're a diamond in the rough and you can FIX them. They don't want to be fixed anymore than you want to be treated like shit, so why put yourself there? Fix YOU and let them fix themselves; they are adults too. There are women out there that are perfect for them. They may not want them but that doesn't mean you have to settle. I would rather NOT have one than to have one who treats himself or me badly. I come across all these discarded men and sometimes myself think they are working on their issues and I listen to their grievances and shake my head. I see their flaws and yours too. Relationships have fallen by the wayside and the men are not all to blame here. Just saying...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
The chief complaint would be the interpersonal skills of women. I myself am a product of that fold and the fallacies of such. Men have issues with us and the majority of my gender really don't care. We don't listen to them any more than they do to us. The theory of relativity and how survival of the fittest comes to play leaves one scratching their head to figure out how it all fits and why we choose who we choose. Girls pick a guy based upon the lies he tells and then get all in a tizzy over the fact he told lies, after thirty of her female family members and companions have already told her they would. If I approached a cave and several dozen people come screaming out and tell me not to go in there and why, I have a choice to make. I could go in and be fine, or I could go in and suffer immensely, but I cannot go in and suffer immensely and then come out and whine and cry over the result turning out exactly as I was warned. If shit goes to pot, then I pull my tail between my legs and take my lumps and crawl out and dust myself off and move on. Sounds proper doesn't it? Now let's see a show of hands who really does this (miss mobe holds up both hands and a drawing of a third hand in one of them). Unfortunately, after glancing quickly but not too quick, there aren't enough hands-if they were honest. We throw ourselves on the fire and then scream bloody hell when it burns! Duuuuuhhh! Of course it burns! Did you think you were so special that the fates would make the fire cold to your touch and spare you the humiliation of your ignorance?
Relationships are like that. Women go charging head first into the world's worst candidate because they hate to be alone as much as the "mommy seekers" do and then freak out. And each time is worse than the last. But look at what you are creating in the men when you do this. When you vie for an unsuitable mate you are inflating his ego well beyond the point his fragile mind could handle. He crumbles under the pressure and feels the need to keep secrets and lie to you because he cannot possibly live "up" to your level. It weighs him down and makes the majority of them in this situation resentful and accusatory. I'm not saying a "10" should pass up on everyone who isn't a "10" or vice versa. But if a person cannot take care of themselves, what makes you think they can take care of you? If they treat their own siblings and children and parents like shit and servants and the family appears to be in distress, what makes you think that they even remotely resemble "Prince Charming"? I watch my girlfriends get hurt and my sisters create hurt and they tell me they love these men. Fine. You love men that are weak and useless sitting on your couch with their Wii and their buddies and a beer without a job while you work and pay the bills and do most all of the domestic chores so they can live like they're your son and not your partner. I'm bisexual-I want one of you guys! To be able to be free of responsibility and have someone cater to my every whim and expect nothing...bliss, man fucking bliss!
Live within your means and NEVER be afraid to stand up for yourself. Quit telling these slackers and losers that they are far more special than they are and quit giving them a license to behave like fourteen year olds and do nothing. Find a man who will work and work WITH you and share in the responsibilities, and not interfere with who you are and who you associate with. Don't take advantage of your man when you get a good one and don't go trolling for what you don't deserve and what certainly don't deserve you. Be kind and temperate with your words. You are NOT their mother and owe them nothing, so don't tell me how they're a diamond in the rough and you can FIX them. They don't want to be fixed anymore than you want to be treated like shit, so why put yourself there? Fix YOU and let them fix themselves; they are adults too. There are women out there that are perfect for them. They may not want them but that doesn't mean you have to settle. I would rather NOT have one than to have one who treats himself or me badly. I come across all these discarded men and sometimes myself think they are working on their issues and I listen to their grievances and shake my head. I see their flaws and yours too. Relationships have fallen by the wayside and the men are not all to blame here. Just saying...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Of Mice and Men?
of mice and then such weak weak men have no course or cause to live. to do divide a rift in stride to turn those bastards in. how dare they be so slack in jest and make us all more work? when they can be gentlemenly instead of shortened shirk.
I asked this once before and I feel pressured by times and tribulations to ask this again...where are all the Marlboro Men, have the cowboys gone, my debonair bastards out there who know how to treat a woman? Men have grown weak and feel a need to be liars of boys. They build themselves up because they fear that they won't measure. I have spoken with several thousand men over the course of my life. I tell them which end is up and how to react to my many moods, I am fair. I let them know ahead of time what sort of thing they stepped into, and then all of a sudden they start in on how accepting and how appreciative they are...and my favorite, how they think they can handle me! I need to be "handled"?? I don't ask much, really, of anyone that I myself cannot do. I can't with a clear conscience, and it would appear that what I do ask is even to much for them to try. I try all the time and haven't given up on love. I won't throw in the towel because I DO believe there is someone out there for miss mobe. It is just so hard to watch my sisters and friends and such suffer. Has anyone else ever noticed that when a man "feels" he was done unjustly he makes every single other woman in his life suffer for it and they get just a shell of a human as a partner? Has anyone noticed that the same age/intelligent/type of female keeps getting kicked in the proverbial crotch time and again, but we pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and get back on that high horse? All these self-confirmed bachelors who are looking for a new mommy really need to get a grip.
I don't like to be the harbinger of bad news...not this type anyway. It is just observations that keep occurring over the course of a lifetime. I feel for all the women out there who have a mate who sits and plays video games and orders her around and tells her she has no right to friends unless he approves of them first because one lousy slut cheated on him...of course, he forgets to tell you about how he cheated on a dozen or so or remark as to how well they have adjusted to it and found a new, better mate in which to walk through life with! But, he WILL tell the boys about his triumphant exploits on who he did wrong and proudly at that! Funny how they see that and it fuels them to become more indignant in their craft. I love the "rules" guy and how he has his laws, and if one doesn't acknowledge his rules and follow them to a letter "T," then they are labeled, prosecuted, sentenced to the fullest extent of HIS law! Weak, weak, weak...very insecure men. I get that they are afraid and don't want to get hurt. I get they made mistakes, so have we. But I find them making far worse ones each time they drive their "big wheels" out around the block trolling for another girl to share an ice cream cone with!
I want the men to grow a pair! I want them to forgive and forget like they want us to do and we DO do. I want them to practice what they preach and to preach less often. I want the union to be mutual and not imbalanced as it were. I want them to be courteous and gentlemanly and to have couth. I want them to not be afraid of dressing up once in a while when they expect us to not be afraid of dressing down with them. I want a PARTNER, who's funny, smart, OPEN MINDED, fair, sexy, willing to learn, sharing, forthright, honest, loyal, flirty-without being a whore hound- and appreciative of a good woman! It is NEVER okay to pass gas in front of your woman repeatedly and snicker. You are shitting on her and it is foul and mean. She doesn't do that to you and I don't care if you feel it or not(bullshit because I feel mine and I HAVE had my ass reamed a lot*giggles* and liked it, you who say your tight ass that ain't gonna "do it" can't feel a fart or shit falling out of it?? Do tell, we've been keeping secrets haven't we??)because it is rude, gauche and insensitive of you. Would you do that to your mother or let someone do that to your mother? How about the food trough you keep under your plate in your quest to eat in thirty seconds or less like you're in a hot dog eating contest all the time and then hurry me up because you want to go outside to smoke? Such disrespect. I have never gotten up from sex with a dire need to "wash" your filth off of me or to spit your taste out and make gagging noises(thank god no one has EVER done this to me personally, but plenty have told me they did it to another and it is the "reason" why they won't do this or that or whatever!). I don't put you down in front of your friends and tease you about not having an ass. So why do you point out to every single person, even strangers, that you disapprove of my big ass? It isn't like you didn't "see" it or that they don't see it-it's there! You saw it and said it was acceptable by accepting me as I am, and now it is unacceptable?
This is too much. I have had men that were so fucking happy I was bisexual because they thought the angels designed me that way for THEIR SOLE PURPOSE AND REWARD?!?! I am bisexual for MY benefit, not theirs! Or the men who lost a chick to another chick because the fucker wouldn't lick and now hate all women who like women even if they like men too? Get your heads on men! We can play football, solder pipes, clean sewers, build buildings, be a firefighter, policewoman, astronaut, doctor, lawyer, ruler, governor...we can even-through science-get a woman pregnant! Looks like the weak species is going the way of the Dodo bird, obsolete! Darwin would be ashamed and proud at how we have devolved into spiders and birds and other creatures that eat their mates...lesser creatures, mice. The plague of mind they are spreading is literally making it so easy for them to be a memory of the past. I feel for their plight, but I am not wearing a jersey that says: SAVE THE MENFOLK, EAT A WHALE! Not no..but hellllllllllll NO!
One last word of advice...be honest first! Whatever issue you have can be fixed or accepted and worked through. Do not put rules out for us to obey, we are NOT your children. Be fair and seek knowledge at every turn and always keep an open mind, but never a blind eye to the few of us that are only out for personal gain. Be loving and gentle first, then be a crazy animal and beast once we get to know one another. Never take more than you give or expect more than you deserve. Always think before you act or speak and choose your words carefully, they hurt-I know, I use them and use them well. You can't take back a slap or a terse word-remember that. Treat her as you would like a young man to treat a daughter if you had one, and tell her every morning you love her and every night you will miss her as she tells you it all the time and means it. Love her unconditionally. ~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
I asked this once before and I feel pressured by times and tribulations to ask this again...where are all the Marlboro Men, have the cowboys gone, my debonair bastards out there who know how to treat a woman? Men have grown weak and feel a need to be liars of boys. They build themselves up because they fear that they won't measure. I have spoken with several thousand men over the course of my life. I tell them which end is up and how to react to my many moods, I am fair. I let them know ahead of time what sort of thing they stepped into, and then all of a sudden they start in on how accepting and how appreciative they are...and my favorite, how they think they can handle me! I need to be "handled"?? I don't ask much, really, of anyone that I myself cannot do. I can't with a clear conscience, and it would appear that what I do ask is even to much for them to try. I try all the time and haven't given up on love. I won't throw in the towel because I DO believe there is someone out there for miss mobe. It is just so hard to watch my sisters and friends and such suffer. Has anyone else ever noticed that when a man "feels" he was done unjustly he makes every single other woman in his life suffer for it and they get just a shell of a human as a partner? Has anyone noticed that the same age/intelligent/type of female keeps getting kicked in the proverbial crotch time and again, but we pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and get back on that high horse? All these self-confirmed bachelors who are looking for a new mommy really need to get a grip.
I don't like to be the harbinger of bad news...not this type anyway. It is just observations that keep occurring over the course of a lifetime. I feel for all the women out there who have a mate who sits and plays video games and orders her around and tells her she has no right to friends unless he approves of them first because one lousy slut cheated on him...of course, he forgets to tell you about how he cheated on a dozen or so or remark as to how well they have adjusted to it and found a new, better mate in which to walk through life with! But, he WILL tell the boys about his triumphant exploits on who he did wrong and proudly at that! Funny how they see that and it fuels them to become more indignant in their craft. I love the "rules" guy and how he has his laws, and if one doesn't acknowledge his rules and follow them to a letter "T," then they are labeled, prosecuted, sentenced to the fullest extent of HIS law! Weak, weak, weak...very insecure men. I get that they are afraid and don't want to get hurt. I get they made mistakes, so have we. But I find them making far worse ones each time they drive their "big wheels" out around the block trolling for another girl to share an ice cream cone with!
I want the men to grow a pair! I want them to forgive and forget like they want us to do and we DO do. I want them to practice what they preach and to preach less often. I want the union to be mutual and not imbalanced as it were. I want them to be courteous and gentlemanly and to have couth. I want them to not be afraid of dressing up once in a while when they expect us to not be afraid of dressing down with them. I want a PARTNER, who's funny, smart, OPEN MINDED, fair, sexy, willing to learn, sharing, forthright, honest, loyal, flirty-without being a whore hound- and appreciative of a good woman! It is NEVER okay to pass gas in front of your woman repeatedly and snicker. You are shitting on her and it is foul and mean. She doesn't do that to you and I don't care if you feel it or not(bullshit because I feel mine and I HAVE had my ass reamed a lot*giggles* and liked it, you who say your tight ass that ain't gonna "do it" can't feel a fart or shit falling out of it?? Do tell, we've been keeping secrets haven't we??)because it is rude, gauche and insensitive of you. Would you do that to your mother or let someone do that to your mother? How about the food trough you keep under your plate in your quest to eat in thirty seconds or less like you're in a hot dog eating contest all the time and then hurry me up because you want to go outside to smoke? Such disrespect. I have never gotten up from sex with a dire need to "wash" your filth off of me or to spit your taste out and make gagging noises(thank god no one has EVER done this to me personally, but plenty have told me they did it to another and it is the "reason" why they won't do this or that or whatever!). I don't put you down in front of your friends and tease you about not having an ass. So why do you point out to every single person, even strangers, that you disapprove of my big ass? It isn't like you didn't "see" it or that they don't see it-it's there! You saw it and said it was acceptable by accepting me as I am, and now it is unacceptable?
This is too much. I have had men that were so fucking happy I was bisexual because they thought the angels designed me that way for THEIR SOLE PURPOSE AND REWARD?!?! I am bisexual for MY benefit, not theirs! Or the men who lost a chick to another chick because the fucker wouldn't lick and now hate all women who like women even if they like men too? Get your heads on men! We can play football, solder pipes, clean sewers, build buildings, be a firefighter, policewoman, astronaut, doctor, lawyer, ruler, governor...we can even-through science-get a woman pregnant! Looks like the weak species is going the way of the Dodo bird, obsolete! Darwin would be ashamed and proud at how we have devolved into spiders and birds and other creatures that eat their mates...lesser creatures, mice. The plague of mind they are spreading is literally making it so easy for them to be a memory of the past. I feel for their plight, but I am not wearing a jersey that says: SAVE THE MENFOLK, EAT A WHALE! Not no..but hellllllllllll NO!
One last word of advice...be honest first! Whatever issue you have can be fixed or accepted and worked through. Do not put rules out for us to obey, we are NOT your children. Be fair and seek knowledge at every turn and always keep an open mind, but never a blind eye to the few of us that are only out for personal gain. Be loving and gentle first, then be a crazy animal and beast once we get to know one another. Never take more than you give or expect more than you deserve. Always think before you act or speak and choose your words carefully, they hurt-I know, I use them and use them well. You can't take back a slap or a terse word-remember that. Treat her as you would like a young man to treat a daughter if you had one, and tell her every morning you love her and every night you will miss her as she tells you it all the time and means it. Love her unconditionally. ~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
At the Devil's Dance
at the devil's dance we shared a kiss to embrace for everlast
by moon's full grace we show a face reflect each other's past
to the stars you yell
on the ground we fell
in the throes of distant breeze
at the dance of death with our one last breath we cried together heaved
on the summer's night with a warm wet gaze to lock into a stare
for the chanting salute and the ears felled mute on our deadly distant pair
hurry on they call
bringing forth the fall
of mankind's lost living stain
on the summer's end will gods all to rend an autumnal solace pain
at the ball of ill where the weather will throw snowballs into air
when the children cry for no mother's thigh go searching if they dare
in a box she lay
'tis where she stay
as her final curtained bow
at the ball of mirth lain into the earth for a thousand eons now
for the flowery air when the flies do come and the birds and bees rejoice
there'll be a sound of peasant furrow as they sing aloud one voice
come one and all
for spring they call
the vernal disillusioned chide
for the flowery scent that their love have rent as the forms entwist, entwine
at the devil's dance when the children born know indeed not what they do
run around till dawn with a smile on and a final yawn will prove
sleep oh child
dream oh mine
when the sandman comes to scare
at the devil's choice you will be a man and live all that you care.
~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
by moon's full grace we show a face reflect each other's past
to the stars you yell
on the ground we fell
in the throes of distant breeze
at the dance of death with our one last breath we cried together heaved
on the summer's night with a warm wet gaze to lock into a stare
for the chanting salute and the ears felled mute on our deadly distant pair
hurry on they call
bringing forth the fall
of mankind's lost living stain
on the summer's end will gods all to rend an autumnal solace pain
at the ball of ill where the weather will throw snowballs into air
when the children cry for no mother's thigh go searching if they dare
in a box she lay
'tis where she stay
as her final curtained bow
at the ball of mirth lain into the earth for a thousand eons now
for the flowery air when the flies do come and the birds and bees rejoice
there'll be a sound of peasant furrow as they sing aloud one voice
come one and all
for spring they call
the vernal disillusioned chide
for the flowery scent that their love have rent as the forms entwist, entwine
at the devil's dance when the children born know indeed not what they do
run around till dawn with a smile on and a final yawn will prove
sleep oh child
dream oh mine
when the sandman comes to scare
at the devil's choice you will be a man and live all that you care.
~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Sexuality and the Village Idiot
I spoke with several men today. There's nothing unusual in that unless you factor in how cyclic it seems to be. We all joke and laugh at how perverse the world and the gods had to be to infect womankind with a monthly demonic excuse, but no one has taken to fact the significance behind the very said change in men. I can go all month without so much as a word and then...bam...all of a sudden every mid-life crisis-ridden bloke with an itch comes crawling out of the closet.
Mind you I am not so squeamish for the likes of skeletons and gore galore. But I am somewhat alarmed by the multitudes of my own that seem to surface at the most innocuous of times. I love all my men friends, former and latter and miss them all dearly. I only seem to be the object of affection whence the changing of the moon strikes them dumb (or smart depending on how you look at it) and sends them on their merry way to find Miss Mobe and see if they can strike some absolute bargain to cajole her into submission to their wants. I am no fool anymore than they be lacking of ignorance. So the topic of sexuality comes into play on more than one occasion. The sexuality of the male species and its periodical peaks and wanes has always been a favorite passtime. This particular week in question seems to be "the" week to hound your dear mobe. Don't get me wrong, we all love the attention and would want the ones we love to get as much as possible. I just don't really relish the attention of the old lovers. Definitely not in lieu of the current one. And there's more. There are other lovers who have yet to be that have crawled out into the moonlight to howl madly in the mist in the hopes I will find them suitable enough to have a go 'round in the sack and then spend the rest of the month alone while they make their bullshit excuses as to why they couldn't get me off or have the time to actually "do" anything remotely resembling not to their own personal benefit! I love the act of making love and copulation. I love all forms, almost all that is, of it and the squishy melding of one body into another and the tastes of the essence of men and women alike. But I don't love not getting my own plate supped upon.
Most of the men who have fallen by the wayside I won't return to for the simple fact that they just didn't ring my bell. Oh there was love and there was fondness and there was even the "build-up" of feeling and wanting...until the pivotal moment when it just didn't fit right. They didn't mesh well with my own needs and I didn't with theirs. There are plenty of things that could be said but haven't been said on the topic of sex. I have found so little to be content with in the sexual world and most of what I have found was through self-exploration and not from other encouragement. This should come as no surprise as most people find themselves on the receiving end of self-stimulation at some point in there lives. I have a hard time believing there are those that haven't after looking at countless sonograms and witnessing thousands of infants at play. To touch one's self is as old as sucking thumbs and turning one's head. And people make such an issue out of it like it is immoral. Imagine a religion that tells you that if you blink you are disgracing yourself or their god? It's absurd to say the least. Knowing all of this, it doesn't take the village idiot to figure out that no one knows YOU better than YOU, which is why it is so much more stimulating that a partner has been. Oh there have been some lovers that were good enough, but I always found their hang-ups to be interfering in their capability in pleasing themselves or me. So I sit and ponder the sexuality of beings I loathe and what could make me keep picking myself up and getting on the proverbial horse. It would interest you to know that the prowess and expertise of these experiences could be had by all if they remembered the one important fact about masturbation. The fact that you are the only one who knows how you work and how well you work.
Using that information it would come to mind to expect others to be smart enough to ask how you work. But they don't. They think they know you better than you, and I myself on most occasions have been guilty of this crime. In my defense, I have studied human sexuality, sociology, anthropology and archaeology from childhood. I am a data collector after all. People, most, don't know what their partners want. They don't even know what gets them going, but they charge in there with full gusto and fall flat on their faces. Men are the biggest purveyors of this crime and feel pressured by society to live up to some forced "masterful" existence. No wonder most men these days in their late thirties and early forties have lived a life of bachelor-dom and in self seclusion. They realize the decisions are no longer their own and that to know a woman's body is a lifelong process and it sort of takes the fun out of it for them when they alone can fulfill their need without a bitch and gripe. It breaks down the relationship existence. Women too. Though some of us perverts have numbers well into the triple digits, there are those that have had one or two partners and settle for what they get, silently. Why aren't people talking here and sharing?!?
I understand sexuality and like the village idiot, I want to share what I know. So when I teach things to a partner and then they go streaking through town to "see" if the next broad will "like" their new-found knowledge, it really puts a kink in my drawers! The efforts taken haven't swayed me from teaching as of yet, only discouraged me from thinking I will find one who is much like me and that there will never be a need to share or feel like their mother. Who knows what is around the corner and if there is an equal to be had. I will always hold a small grain of sand in the hope of, but in the meantime, I will just be me, forceful, intelligent, articulate and sensuous me...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Mind you I am not so squeamish for the likes of skeletons and gore galore. But I am somewhat alarmed by the multitudes of my own that seem to surface at the most innocuous of times. I love all my men friends, former and latter and miss them all dearly. I only seem to be the object of affection whence the changing of the moon strikes them dumb (or smart depending on how you look at it) and sends them on their merry way to find Miss Mobe and see if they can strike some absolute bargain to cajole her into submission to their wants. I am no fool anymore than they be lacking of ignorance. So the topic of sexuality comes into play on more than one occasion. The sexuality of the male species and its periodical peaks and wanes has always been a favorite passtime. This particular week in question seems to be "the" week to hound your dear mobe. Don't get me wrong, we all love the attention and would want the ones we love to get as much as possible. I just don't really relish the attention of the old lovers. Definitely not in lieu of the current one. And there's more. There are other lovers who have yet to be that have crawled out into the moonlight to howl madly in the mist in the hopes I will find them suitable enough to have a go 'round in the sack and then spend the rest of the month alone while they make their bullshit excuses as to why they couldn't get me off or have the time to actually "do" anything remotely resembling not to their own personal benefit! I love the act of making love and copulation. I love all forms, almost all that is, of it and the squishy melding of one body into another and the tastes of the essence of men and women alike. But I don't love not getting my own plate supped upon.
Most of the men who have fallen by the wayside I won't return to for the simple fact that they just didn't ring my bell. Oh there was love and there was fondness and there was even the "build-up" of feeling and wanting...until the pivotal moment when it just didn't fit right. They didn't mesh well with my own needs and I didn't with theirs. There are plenty of things that could be said but haven't been said on the topic of sex. I have found so little to be content with in the sexual world and most of what I have found was through self-exploration and not from other encouragement. This should come as no surprise as most people find themselves on the receiving end of self-stimulation at some point in there lives. I have a hard time believing there are those that haven't after looking at countless sonograms and witnessing thousands of infants at play. To touch one's self is as old as sucking thumbs and turning one's head. And people make such an issue out of it like it is immoral. Imagine a religion that tells you that if you blink you are disgracing yourself or their god? It's absurd to say the least. Knowing all of this, it doesn't take the village idiot to figure out that no one knows YOU better than YOU, which is why it is so much more stimulating that a partner has been. Oh there have been some lovers that were good enough, but I always found their hang-ups to be interfering in their capability in pleasing themselves or me. So I sit and ponder the sexuality of beings I loathe and what could make me keep picking myself up and getting on the proverbial horse. It would interest you to know that the prowess and expertise of these experiences could be had by all if they remembered the one important fact about masturbation. The fact that you are the only one who knows how you work and how well you work.
Using that information it would come to mind to expect others to be smart enough to ask how you work. But they don't. They think they know you better than you, and I myself on most occasions have been guilty of this crime. In my defense, I have studied human sexuality, sociology, anthropology and archaeology from childhood. I am a data collector after all. People, most, don't know what their partners want. They don't even know what gets them going, but they charge in there with full gusto and fall flat on their faces. Men are the biggest purveyors of this crime and feel pressured by society to live up to some forced "masterful" existence. No wonder most men these days in their late thirties and early forties have lived a life of bachelor-dom and in self seclusion. They realize the decisions are no longer their own and that to know a woman's body is a lifelong process and it sort of takes the fun out of it for them when they alone can fulfill their need without a bitch and gripe. It breaks down the relationship existence. Women too. Though some of us perverts have numbers well into the triple digits, there are those that have had one or two partners and settle for what they get, silently. Why aren't people talking here and sharing?!?
I understand sexuality and like the village idiot, I want to share what I know. So when I teach things to a partner and then they go streaking through town to "see" if the next broad will "like" their new-found knowledge, it really puts a kink in my drawers! The efforts taken haven't swayed me from teaching as of yet, only discouraged me from thinking I will find one who is much like me and that there will never be a need to share or feel like their mother. Who knows what is around the corner and if there is an equal to be had. I will always hold a small grain of sand in the hope of, but in the meantime, I will just be me, forceful, intelligent, articulate and sensuous me...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Tormented Souls
so I said to her she needed to get back on her feet again. She needs to pick herself up from her past and make a go of it. Would you believe she just stared blankly at the wall while I was explaining all of this to her? The audacity one must have to think the carousel ride stops just because they don't like the horse they're on.
Don't get me wrong. It is most dangerous to change steed in the whirlwind of the trip. But sometimes things have to be dangerous to be appreciated properly. It is a rule of nature. The wildebeest knows it has to face danger when approaching a lion's den just as the hyena does, but it ventures out into the Serengeti just the same, on all fours and does just that. It gets the blood pumping and the mind working and brings to the surface all those reasons we once had for living again. But when I told her this she buckled and slumped to the ground in a flood of tears and was so pathetically needy, and I was made to feel like I had shot her this way. I feel for her tremendously just as if she were my own, but what are we to do? I can't provide what she needs nor do I have the means to should I know what it is. Yep, a good dusting off is definitely what she needs and a new saddle too.
So how in the world did I wind up becoming charge of her this time. Lord knows I have rescued her time and again and wish there were some other hero for her to lean on. She is wearing me out like an old shoe and she is too messed up to notice the toll she takes on others. Poor creature. It was told to me by a close friend of hers that it was a lover. Poor creature thought she a specialty in his world and fell flat on her face again, and crying like the little wee baby she sounds for me to come to her side. I have been here most of a fortnight indeed coddling and comforting her and she still refuses to mutter a sound outside of breathes and guttural whimpers. 'Tis a shame really how she carries on and how easy it is for everyone else to just step over her as if she were a vagrant in a doorway at winter's last drizzly day. I watched for some time trying to convince myself this did NOT happen AGAIN. But alas, I was the closest skirt for her to grasp and not being the complete nincompoop most of you think, I leaned down and scooped her up and brought her here, to this place.
She says she knew this was here all along. I can't remember if she told me that now or if she told me that on a previous occasion, but she was sure you would help her as it seems I am unable. Frail is how I would describe her best and I fear she may come to harm if not attended to or may even harm herself. Would be a shame to turn one's back on one's fellow man or woman, so here I am, good deed done for the day. Please reach me at this address and number should she have any need arise or acquiesce to the idea of a chat. I relish the thought of picking her brain to see if she is mendable after all.
That was the discussion held at the office today. The woman was indeed frail and wan and refused food or water. It was as if she was trying so hard to punish herself. And the one who brought her in...looked as if she was tired of seeing the wretch dismiss herself the way she has. I definitely see room for improvement there but am not sure there is a foundation to build upon. Knowing what I know about her background it's no wonder she has fallen so hard and hit her head, metaphorically speaking of course. Nurse, take her upstairs and undress and bathe her and get her settled in. She has a long road ahead of her and we need to get started first thing in the morning.
Everyone's gone now. My mother is gone and my father and my child. All my children are gone now. Everyone leaves me and I don't know why. I feel like I am ready to leave me too, and if I knew the way out of me I would leave in a heartbeat. Now I am stuck here and being ogled and trying to sort out why I hurt so much. Why do they love me and leave me and where do they go? I loved him and he left and I loved many thems and they left and I wanted but didn't get so now I am here. Wearing a gown in the dark in en empty room devoid of things I could use to leave a sad little disturbing scene for the nurses in the am. I have no chair and there are restraints on my cot. I had to promise to behave and quiet and they allowed me the freedom to wander the ten foot by ten foot room to which is now my "earned" home. If only he would love me and they would come back and if only I was more pretty and smart. How can this happen to me. If it weren't for my mother's old neighbor I don't think I would have made it this far...and now...I am ashamed to admit I want to be done with it all. Tomorrow will either be bitter or the gods of us all will grant me my wish, my only wish these last few years and erase me from the book of names.
In the dark the thoughts of the ill are loud and clear. They are filled with sadness and self-loathing and all sorts of wishes asunder to what they feel would "right" the world in which they live. The darkness holds their secrets, these tormented souls. The cool breeze in the night holds their breath and the moon holds no promise. To be one of them is to be damned and sad and unhappy for all eternity. Being one of them means to forever wander aimlessly form one bad happening to the next. Such is the life of fools who dare think they will get their brass rings. Such is your mobe...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Don't get me wrong. It is most dangerous to change steed in the whirlwind of the trip. But sometimes things have to be dangerous to be appreciated properly. It is a rule of nature. The wildebeest knows it has to face danger when approaching a lion's den just as the hyena does, but it ventures out into the Serengeti just the same, on all fours and does just that. It gets the blood pumping and the mind working and brings to the surface all those reasons we once had for living again. But when I told her this she buckled and slumped to the ground in a flood of tears and was so pathetically needy, and I was made to feel like I had shot her this way. I feel for her tremendously just as if she were my own, but what are we to do? I can't provide what she needs nor do I have the means to should I know what it is. Yep, a good dusting off is definitely what she needs and a new saddle too.
So how in the world did I wind up becoming charge of her this time. Lord knows I have rescued her time and again and wish there were some other hero for her to lean on. She is wearing me out like an old shoe and she is too messed up to notice the toll she takes on others. Poor creature. It was told to me by a close friend of hers that it was a lover. Poor creature thought she a specialty in his world and fell flat on her face again, and crying like the little wee baby she sounds for me to come to her side. I have been here most of a fortnight indeed coddling and comforting her and she still refuses to mutter a sound outside of breathes and guttural whimpers. 'Tis a shame really how she carries on and how easy it is for everyone else to just step over her as if she were a vagrant in a doorway at winter's last drizzly day. I watched for some time trying to convince myself this did NOT happen AGAIN. But alas, I was the closest skirt for her to grasp and not being the complete nincompoop most of you think, I leaned down and scooped her up and brought her here, to this place.
She says she knew this was here all along. I can't remember if she told me that now or if she told me that on a previous occasion, but she was sure you would help her as it seems I am unable. Frail is how I would describe her best and I fear she may come to harm if not attended to or may even harm herself. Would be a shame to turn one's back on one's fellow man or woman, so here I am, good deed done for the day. Please reach me at this address and number should she have any need arise or acquiesce to the idea of a chat. I relish the thought of picking her brain to see if she is mendable after all.
That was the discussion held at the office today. The woman was indeed frail and wan and refused food or water. It was as if she was trying so hard to punish herself. And the one who brought her in...looked as if she was tired of seeing the wretch dismiss herself the way she has. I definitely see room for improvement there but am not sure there is a foundation to build upon. Knowing what I know about her background it's no wonder she has fallen so hard and hit her head, metaphorically speaking of course. Nurse, take her upstairs and undress and bathe her and get her settled in. She has a long road ahead of her and we need to get started first thing in the morning.
Everyone's gone now. My mother is gone and my father and my child. All my children are gone now. Everyone leaves me and I don't know why. I feel like I am ready to leave me too, and if I knew the way out of me I would leave in a heartbeat. Now I am stuck here and being ogled and trying to sort out why I hurt so much. Why do they love me and leave me and where do they go? I loved him and he left and I loved many thems and they left and I wanted but didn't get so now I am here. Wearing a gown in the dark in en empty room devoid of things I could use to leave a sad little disturbing scene for the nurses in the am. I have no chair and there are restraints on my cot. I had to promise to behave and quiet and they allowed me the freedom to wander the ten foot by ten foot room to which is now my "earned" home. If only he would love me and they would come back and if only I was more pretty and smart. How can this happen to me. If it weren't for my mother's old neighbor I don't think I would have made it this far...and now...I am ashamed to admit I want to be done with it all. Tomorrow will either be bitter or the gods of us all will grant me my wish, my only wish these last few years and erase me from the book of names.
In the dark the thoughts of the ill are loud and clear. They are filled with sadness and self-loathing and all sorts of wishes asunder to what they feel would "right" the world in which they live. The darkness holds their secrets, these tormented souls. The cool breeze in the night holds their breath and the moon holds no promise. To be one of them is to be damned and sad and unhappy for all eternity. Being one of them means to forever wander aimlessly form one bad happening to the next. Such is the life of fools who dare think they will get their brass rings. Such is your mobe...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Crying Inside
The Tears Won't Come
it's not the way you look at me but the way you feel when you cannot look at me. I remember when I mattered more to you everyday and that your world was full of hope and life and love for knowing I was in it. Now I see a sad little girl alone and desperate and tired. The face reflected in the mirror holds fear. Of the unknown world, I see ahead of me and the absolute emptiness I see in its future. It is a cold, dark place and I used to love such places when they were tangible, just now, I'm not feeling it on the outside nor want to feel it inside of me. There will never be enough words to choke back the tears and the scary visions perverting my head and tormenting my heart. It isn't right anymore to hold onto something that slips away like sand and water when you run your fingers through it. It felt so good to be wanted and to be sought after and now it feels horrid. I feel like trash put to the curb and wonder if you really care of my heart or if you have one of your own. I would have faced whatever demons we had together and fought hard for this were I a younger woman...but I go, in silence, to be alone and in that cold, dark, dreary place where I used to play in the dark all sorts of imaginary games. Only I was never a princess and there was never a king, only a little warrior with a back of iron and a will of steel...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
it's not the way you look at me but the way you feel when you cannot look at me. I remember when I mattered more to you everyday and that your world was full of hope and life and love for knowing I was in it. Now I see a sad little girl alone and desperate and tired. The face reflected in the mirror holds fear. Of the unknown world, I see ahead of me and the absolute emptiness I see in its future. It is a cold, dark place and I used to love such places when they were tangible, just now, I'm not feeling it on the outside nor want to feel it inside of me. There will never be enough words to choke back the tears and the scary visions perverting my head and tormenting my heart. It isn't right anymore to hold onto something that slips away like sand and water when you run your fingers through it. It felt so good to be wanted and to be sought after and now it feels horrid. I feel like trash put to the curb and wonder if you really care of my heart or if you have one of your own. I would have faced whatever demons we had together and fought hard for this were I a younger woman...but I go, in silence, to be alone and in that cold, dark, dreary place where I used to play in the dark all sorts of imaginary games. Only I was never a princess and there was never a king, only a little warrior with a back of iron and a will of steel...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Quietly Blowing Apart
again the mighty mobe is upon her stump of opportunity contemplating the world's most spectacular reasons to blow up. I am a miserable wretch today. There's not any particular reason, or at least not just one. I woke up sick and over-heated to a sweaty and sore body full of aches and disdain.
I wanted to keep up on this but had computer issues for a day or so, and then, last night, spent it in the company of my child and a bunch of movies. It was fun and peaceful and makes me wonder if it was all too peaceful in that I am now a skeptic to reason. No one ..not even this one, likes to be put out or made uncomfortable. It is what it is and I feel so uncomfortable today though it, being the shitty day here that it is, should render me cheery in my ill will. But here I sit sweltering and worrisome and wanting a little bit of "tlc" and not receiving so much as a hello or good morning. Alone is just that, it's alone. No one is around to talk to you or comfort you or give a shit about whether you are happy or not. I feel alone today, alone and miserable and hot. Very hot. You can fry an egg on my nose hot.
Relationships suck. I know this because I have had plenty of short ones and long ones and somewhat fairly normal ones and really, really crazy ones. I am at a pivotal moment in my life where I don't want to wake up next to "strange" anymore. I don't want to be defined as being "one" anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore. Trying to balance a relationship and make sure it is everything you want is difficult. I miss you and you miss me and I want you and you want me are not good enough reasons to stay together anymore. There has to be mutual respect for each other. There has to be conversation and not just about the bashing of the past mistakes you make. There has to be an attraction whether physical, audible, olfactory, or mental, but there definitely has to be one. I have had all sorts of these and rarely found someone with almost all of them. Being a sighted individual means I am not just choosing based upon what I hear and smell and touch but also on what I can see. And from where I am sitting now I see all sorts of issues. In order to be a girlfriend or boyfriend you need to be present. And now I am stuck with the busiest man on the face of the planet and can't help but wonder why I keep attracting people who are disinterested in me or find everything else that much more amusing to them. I could spend a lifetime defining what I want and how I want it, but it would only be my voice expressing out-loud to the fates what they already know and giving them that extra edge over me to mess with my day.
To admit one's faults one must admit they are mortal. I am flawed. I have no design on altering them at this time and I am currently working on the one's I felt I needed to as we speak, those I feel most necessary to change. I am not as flawed as I have been in the past but I'm not as beautiful either. People need to not be so busy that they cannot appreciate what is right in front of their faces. For that matter, they need to stop using "busy" as an excuse to avoid confrontation. It is the new-found version of sticking one's head in the sand. It hurts that I am the last thing on a person's "to do" list or the least likely to be paid attention to. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life but if that is the only option I have, I am prepared to entertain myself if I have to.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
I wanted to keep up on this but had computer issues for a day or so, and then, last night, spent it in the company of my child and a bunch of movies. It was fun and peaceful and makes me wonder if it was all too peaceful in that I am now a skeptic to reason. No one ..not even this one, likes to be put out or made uncomfortable. It is what it is and I feel so uncomfortable today though it, being the shitty day here that it is, should render me cheery in my ill will. But here I sit sweltering and worrisome and wanting a little bit of "tlc" and not receiving so much as a hello or good morning. Alone is just that, it's alone. No one is around to talk to you or comfort you or give a shit about whether you are happy or not. I feel alone today, alone and miserable and hot. Very hot. You can fry an egg on my nose hot.
Relationships suck. I know this because I have had plenty of short ones and long ones and somewhat fairly normal ones and really, really crazy ones. I am at a pivotal moment in my life where I don't want to wake up next to "strange" anymore. I don't want to be defined as being "one" anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore. Trying to balance a relationship and make sure it is everything you want is difficult. I miss you and you miss me and I want you and you want me are not good enough reasons to stay together anymore. There has to be mutual respect for each other. There has to be conversation and not just about the bashing of the past mistakes you make. There has to be an attraction whether physical, audible, olfactory, or mental, but there definitely has to be one. I have had all sorts of these and rarely found someone with almost all of them. Being a sighted individual means I am not just choosing based upon what I hear and smell and touch but also on what I can see. And from where I am sitting now I see all sorts of issues. In order to be a girlfriend or boyfriend you need to be present. And now I am stuck with the busiest man on the face of the planet and can't help but wonder why I keep attracting people who are disinterested in me or find everything else that much more amusing to them. I could spend a lifetime defining what I want and how I want it, but it would only be my voice expressing out-loud to the fates what they already know and giving them that extra edge over me to mess with my day.
To admit one's faults one must admit they are mortal. I am flawed. I have no design on altering them at this time and I am currently working on the one's I felt I needed to as we speak, those I feel most necessary to change. I am not as flawed as I have been in the past but I'm not as beautiful either. People need to not be so busy that they cannot appreciate what is right in front of their faces. For that matter, they need to stop using "busy" as an excuse to avoid confrontation. It is the new-found version of sticking one's head in the sand. It hurts that I am the last thing on a person's "to do" list or the least likely to be paid attention to. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life but if that is the only option I have, I am prepared to entertain myself if I have to.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Individuals: Part 19
not that I want to beat a dead horse, but while I am on the subject...your loving and disdainful mobe has found more information for the data-philes out there who like to crunch terms and numbers. I have been looking online for over a year and everyday come up with new information regarding the genetics and such as well as some interesting stories of how my and mini mobe's, Laurel's, disease progresses. The differences between the two are a unique case study because she is a child receiving treatment whereas her mother, yours truly, did not for nearly four decades. EPP hurts. EPP can kill, though rarely and in extreme circumstances (gee, I wonder if I would be considered one of those circumstances-you think?) EPP is genetic and you can have the gene allele without having EPP and not know your family line carries it forward some hundred years before someone shouts out! Here is some more information so please read what you want and save some for later and click open any links that work. As you know my strengths are the arts and writing and not in technology but I will do my best to get you websites at least. People need to have access to this and should have a one-place pit-stop for their basic "shopping for information" needs...
found on the site:http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1104061-overview credits for authors will be found from clicking this link and there is a list of resources to be had underneath the disease name starting with a small but incomplete list of doctors. It is too long to place here as this is all too much to begin with.
found on the site:http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1104061-overview credits for authors will be found from clicking this link and there is a list of resources to be had underneath the disease name starting with a small but incomplete list of doctors. It is too long to place here as this is all too much to begin with.
Erythropoietic protoporphyria is a genetic disorder most often arising from impaired activity of ferrochelatase, the ultimate enzyme of heme biosynthesis.[1, 2] The resultant accumulated excess of its substrate, protoporphyrin, causes 2 principal manifestations: (1) a distinctive acute cutaneous photosensitivity typically appearing in childhood and (2) hepatobiliary disease.[1, 3, 4, 5]
The predominant genotype associated with phenotypic expression is one mutant ferrochelatase allele encoding a defective enzyme protein with little or no function, coupled with a normal variant allele with low gene expression.[6, 7] Infrequently, 2 deleterious mutations are found in symptomatic individuals; this recessively inherited form of protoporphyria appears to impart a higher risk for hepatic dysfunction.[8, 9]
A recently described X-linked dominant form of protoporphyria arises from C-terminal deletions in the gene encoding the erythroid-specific enzyme 5-aminolevulinic acid synthase-2; increased function of this enzyme leads to overproduction of protoporphyrin with associated acute photosensitivity and increased risk for liver disease.[10]
Rarely, acquired somatic mutation or deletion of a ferrochelatase gene secondary to myelodysplastic or myeloproliferative disorders leads to an adult-onset protoporphyric disorder.[11, 12, 13]
Pathophysiology
Protoporphyrin is a lipophilic molecule capable of transformation to excited states by absorption of light energy. Excited-state protoporphyrin mediates photoxidative damage to biomolecular targets in the skin,[14] resulting in immediate phototoxic symptoms variously described as tingling, stinging, or burning that may be followed by the appearance of erythema, edema, and purpura.[3, 14] Excess protoporphyrin is formed during maturation of erythroid cells in the bone marrow and is present at the highest levels in reticulocytes and young erythrocytes.[15] Protoporphyrin escapes from red blood cells into the plasma, from which it is cleared by the liver and secreted into bile. Protoporphyrin-rich bile facilitates gallstone formation.[16] Toxic effects of protoporphyrin deposition in the liver may lead to life-threatening hepatic dysfunction.[16, 17, 18]
Epidemiology
Frequency
United States
Until a recently established registry for erythropoietic protoporphyria sponsored by the American Porphyria Foundation collects sufficient data, accurate enumeration in the United States cannot be provided, but is probably similar to data from European countries.
International
Estimates of 1 case in 75,000-200,000 population have been reported for some western European populations and in the South African population of European ancestry.[2, 5, 19]
***mobe's note: There are even fewer in the United States as this is and English/Aussie/NZ study and data collective***
Mortality/Morbidity
Painful cutaneous photosensitivity reduces the sunlight tolerance of individuals with erythropoietic protoporphyria and may influence their lifestyles over entire lifetimes.[3]
An increased prevalence of cholelithiasis in both men and women can result in signs and symptoms of gallstone disease at relatively early ages.[3]
Hepatotoxic effects of excess protoporphyrin deposition have led to liver dysfunction that progressed to life-threatening severity in approximately 2-5% of known cases.[5]
Race
Erythropoietic protoporphyria has been reported most often in people with European heritage, but it has also been reported in people with Japanese, Chinese, East Indian, or north or central African ancestry.
Sex
Protoporphyria occurs equally in males and females.
Age
Photocutaneous symptoms usually appear during childhood,[3] but they also may be noted for the first time in adult life.[11, 12, 13] Gallstones may become symptomatic in young adulthood or in middle age.[3] Liver failure and its complications, sufficiently severe to result in liver transplantation and/or death, may develop in children and adolescents as well as adults.[16, 18, 20, 21, 22]
History
Uncomfortable sensations in skin exposed to sunlight typically begin during infancy or childhood, most often involving dorsal hands, the face and ears, and, occasionally, legs and dorsal feet, after short periods of exposure. If exposure is promptly discontinued, visible skin lesions may not ensue. Longer exposure, or multiple exposures on sequential days, can elicit swelling with or without redness in the exposed skin that evolves into sheets of petechiae. This exquisitely painful reaction resolves over several days to leave skin that may appear normal. Eventually, chronic changes may develop that are highly suggestive, but, when subtle, can be overlooked.
Individuals with protoporphyria who report skin pain but have minimal objective findings may be considered malingerers until an acute reaction is observed. Gallstones may remain silent or evoke reports of indigestion and/or right upper quadrant abdominal pain consistent with symptomatic cholelithiasis. Individuals with protoporphyria associated with hepatotoxicity may report loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, weakness and fatigue, anorexia, malaise, weight changes, increasing abdominal girth, pain in the epigastrium or right upper quadrant and back, jaundice, and increasing photosensitivity.
Physical
The acute phototoxic reaction typically includes edema, erythema, and petechiae. Blisters, crusted erosions, and scarring may occur but are less florid and less frequent than in other porphyrias. Chronic changes include shallow, elongated depressions in facial skin, especially over the nose; perioral furrowing; and prematurely aged, thickened, or coarsely textured skin of the dorsal hands, often most prominent over the knuckles. In more severe cases, sclerodermalike waxy induration or a cobblestone texture of the face and hands develops. Mechanical fragility, when present, is less severe than in other porphyrias; hypertrichosis is infrequent.
With progressive liver dysfunction, hepatosplenomegaly and jaundice may develop, as may signs of increasing cutaneous photosensitivity. End-stage liver disease is signaled by intense jaundice, ascites, vomiting, fever, encephalopathy, axonal polyneuropathy that may progress to paresis and respiratory failure, hemorrhage from esophageal varices, and extreme photosensitivity.
Causes
The ferrochelatase gene is located on band 18q21.3.[23] Ferrochelatase mutations listed at the Human Gene Mutation Database numbered 124 as of May 2010.
Loss of ferrochelatase activity by as much as 50% as the result of 1 mutant gene is generally insufficient to cause overt disease when its complementary allele has normal function.[6] Ferrochelatase genotypes composed of either 2 mutant alleles (approximately 4% of cases) or 1 mutation and a nonmutant allele with a specific intronic single nucleotide polymorphism (IVS3-48C) (approximately 94% of cases) have been found in most symptomatic individuals.[8, 9, 24] This polymorphism enhances aberrant splicing and rapid degradation of ferrochelatase mRNA, with resultant low expression.[7] The allele frequency of this polymorphism varies widely in diverse populations studied, as follows:
- Japanese - 43.3%[9]
- Southeast Asian - 31%[9]
- White French - 11.3%[9]
- North African - 2.7%[9]
- Black West African - < 1%[9]
- United States - 3.5%[25]
- South Africans of European descent - 8.6%[2]
- United Kingdom - 6.5%[8]
- Chinese (3 different regions) - 28-41.4%[26]
- Swedish - 8%[27]
The pairing of a mutated allele encoding a severely impaired enzyme protein with this low-expressing polymorphic allele typically yields enzyme activity diminished to less than 30% of normal, low enough to cause protoporphyrin accumulation. Individuals heteroallelic or homoallelic for this polymorphism do not have sufficiently diminished ferrochelatase activity to cause clinical abnormalities, although their erythrocyte protoporphyrin levels may be mildly abnormal.[2]
Adult-onset protoporphyric photosensitivity and increased protoporphyrin levels have been associated with an acquired somatic mutation or deletion of a ferrochelatase gene due to myelodysplastic or myeloproliferative disorders.[11, 12, 13]
Eight families have been described recently with a protoporphyric disorder indistinguishable clinically from the predominant form of the disease, but without ferrochelatase mutations.[10] Two different C-terminal deletions in the gene encoding the erythroid-specific isoform of aminolevulinic acid synthase were identified among these families. The locus for this gene is on the X chromosome, and the inheritance pattern in the families was consistent with X-linked dominant transmission. Both mutations caused a marked increase in activity of aminolevulinic acid synthase 2 that eventuated in large accumulations of erythrocyte-free protoporphyrin and zinc-protoporphyrin. Seventeen percent of affected individuals in that study exhibited overt liver disease, a significantly greater number than the 2-5% of individuals with ferrochelatase-deficient protoporphyria who develop this complication.
***mobe's note: By refusal of family members to participate in a case study it is difficult to assess as to what genome-type I am by mere assumption. They know it is genetic and that all relations from here on need to know about it and their likely-hood to inherit it but all have refused and/or lied regarding getting tested. It's a shame really because the more support and research done the better the lives of these people, yes me too, to have then on***
Laboratory Studies
Protoporphyrin concentration is elevated in red blood cells, plasma, bile, and feces. The diagnosis is usually made by finding the abnormal levels in erythrocytes and plasma. Urinary porphyrin levels are normal in patients without liver dysfunction. Abnormal coproporphyrinuria develops when liver function is deteriorating.[28, 29]
Erythrocyte and plasma protoporphyrin levels are increased several-fold over the reference range. Fecal protoporphyrin excretion may be increased, but, in many patients, it remains within the reference range. In impending liver failure, the dynamic equilibrium between rates of protoporphyrin production and excretion is altered, producing progressively rising erythrocyte and plasma porphyrin levels and progressively diminishing fecal porphyrin excretion.[28, 30]
Obtain a complete blood cell count and serum liver function panel at diagnosis. Monitor serum indices of liver function at 6- to 12-month intervals if baseline values are normal. If liver function is abnormal, complicating factors (eg, gallstones, viral hepatitis, alcohol or drug abuse, other toxic, infectious, immunologic, or metabolic storage disorders) should be excluded by appropriate testing.
Perform a hematological assessment of anemia. Individuals with protoporphyria often have mildly lowered hemoglobin and hematocrit levels, which do not cause symptoms and do not require treatment.[3, 31] The mean corpuscular volume may be below the normal limit.
***mobe's note: The levels of my diseases toxins were high enough to have accumulated and shown present in a urinary 24hr collection used for diagnosing generic porphyrias. EPP does not ordinarily show up on these tests excepting in extremely rare situations and the elevation of erythrocyte/protoporphyrins is astronomical***
Imaging Studies
If cholelithiasis is suspected, abdominal ultrasonography or other imaging procedures are indicated.
Other Tests
Impending liver failure may be signaled by progressively rising levels of urinary coproporphyrin.[29] Urinary porphyrin levels are within normal limits in persons with uncomplicated erythropoietic protoporphyria. Protoporphyrin, being lipophilic, is not excreted by renal mechanisms and does not normally appear in urine. Coproporphyrin, which accumulates as a result of liver disease, has intermediate water solubility, and levels become abnormally elevated in the urine of patients developing protoporphyrin-induced hepatotoxicity.[28]
Measurement of ferrochelatase enzyme activity remains a research procedure. Mutation analysis of the ferrochelatase gene (ie, DNA testing) is performed at several porphyria research units in various countries and is now commercially available in the United States. See the American Porphyria Foundation for further information.
Procedures
In the event of overt liver dysfunction, liver biopsy is indicated. Some experts suggest that individuals with genotypes associated with higher risk of liver disease, such as a "null-allele" ferrochelatase mutation that encodes an enzyme with essentially no residual activity, mutations of both ferrochelatase alleles, one of the aminolevulinic acid 2 increased-function mutations, or with a family history of protoporphyric liver disease, may warrant liver biopsy even before liver function tests become abnormal.[18, 19] The presence of other risk factors for liver disease, such as viral hepatitis, hemochromatosis, or alcoholic or nonalcoholic fatty liver, increases the weight of argument for earlier liver biopsy.
Liver transplantation may be life saving, but it does not cure protoporphyria because the source of most of the excess protoporphyrin is the bone marrow. Continued overproduction of protoporphyrin eventually leads to protoporphyrin deposition in the engrafted liver, which may again become dysfunctional.[22]While bone marrow transplantation is potentially curative, its risks have warranted its application in only a few cases to date.[12, 21, 32] Research in animal models has shown promising developments in gene therapy strategies that may eventually be transferrable to humans.
Histologic Findings
Light microscopy examination of the acute skin reaction shows perivascular and interstitial neutrophilic dermal infiltrates. Ultrastructural findings in the acute reaction include damage of endothelial cells with extravasation of intravascular contents and degranulated mast cells.[33]
Biopsy specimens of chronically damaged skin show deposition of hyaline masses in the upper dermis and markedly thickened walls of upper dermal capillaries.[34] Ultrastructural findings in chronically damaged skin include replicated basal laminae around dermal vessels, degranulated mast cells, and amorphous dermal deposits.[34] Direct immunofluorescence studies show deposition of immunoglobulins and complement in and around upper dermal vessel walls and, to a lesser extent, at the dermoepidermal junction.[34]
Liver biopsy typically reveals brown pigment in hepatocytes, Kupffer cells, portal macrophages, and small biliary structures.[16, 22] Many of these protoporphyrin deposits are crystalline when examined under electron microscopy and birefringent when examined under polarization microscopy.[16, 22] Cirrhotic changes are seen in advanced disease, including fibrous expansion of portal areas and regenerative nodules.[16, 22]
Medical Care
For protoporphyria uncomplicated by hepatobiliary disease, the major problem is lifelong cutaneous photosensitivity. Anemia, if present, typically is mild and rarely requires specific therapy. Cholelithiasis is managed surgically. Liver dysfunction is an ominous development for which medical remedies are not consistently effective. Progressive intractable liver insufficiency is an indication for liver transplantation.[16, 18, 35]
Note the following treatment measures for photosensitivity:
- Shield skin from sunlight by using protective clothing and lifestyle adjustments.
- Because the wavelengths of light causing porphyrin-sensitized phototoxicity are chiefly in the visible spectrum, window glass is not an effective barrier. Plastic films that attenuate transmission of portions of the visible light and long UV spectra are available and can be applied to window or windshield glass.[36]
- Topical sunscreens are not effective unless transmission of long UV and visible light rays is reduced by their use. Sun-blocking formulations containing zinc oxide or titanium dioxide reflect visible light and may be helpful.[36]
- Topical sunless tanning gels or creams containing dihydroxyacetone produce superficial pigmentation that blocks some of the offending wavelengths.[36]
- Induction of endogenous melanin by exposure of skin to broad- or narrow-band UV-B lamps or to UV-A in conjunction with a psoralen UV-A photosensitizer also may increase tolerance to natural sunlight.[37]
- Afamelanotide, an alpha-melanocyte–stimulating hormone analogue that increases melanin production in the skin, is a novel injectable photoprotective agent currently in clinical trials in Australia and several European countries. It has recently become available by prescription in Italy.
- Oral beta-carotene reduces photosensitivity in some, but not all, patients.[3, 38, 39]
- H1-receptor antagonists can mitigate histamine-mediated components of the acute reaction, but they rarely suppress all signs and symptoms.[42] Suppression of heme synthesis by inhibition of cytochrome P-450 formation and of heme oxygenase activity is a mechanism proposed for transient improvement of isolated cases of various porphyrias after H2-receptor antagonist use that remains unproven.[43]
Although adverse reactions to porphyrinogenic drugs known to exacerbate acute hepatic porphyrias are not characteristic of protoporphyria, avoid or administer with caution drugs with cholestatic properties, such as estrogenic hormones. Assess the risk-to-benefit ratio for each individual with protoporphyria when considering use of cholestatic therapies.
Immunization against viral hepatitis agents should be offered.
Medical approaches to reversing protoporphyric liver dysfunction are not well established, owing to inconsistent or uncertain efficacy and experience in relatively few cases. Note the following:
- Orally administered cationic exchange resins or activated charcoal aimed at reducing enterohepatic recirculation of porphyrin and/or bile acids to enhance hepatic porphyrin excretion may have some level of efficacy in selected patients.[28, 44, 45]
- Reduction in erythrocyte protoporphyrin levels and improved liver function followed administration of vitamin E to a protoporphyric patient with cirrhosis.[51]
- Medical regimens are often used in combination or rapid sequence in progressively deteriorating patients and are best instituted by experts in a referral center for advanced liver disease.
Surgical Care
Surgical removal of gallstones usually poses no more risk for individuals with protoporphyria than for the general population, although phototoxic sequelae from high-intensity operating room lighting is a theoretical possibility. Adverse reactions to anesthetic agents problematic in acute hepatic porphyrias are not characteristic of protoporphyria. Failure of medical reversal of protoporphyrin-induced hepatic decompensation warrants liver transplantation. Operating room lamps have caused acute phototoxic damage to skin and internal organs during transplantation.[53, 54] Preoperative exchange transfusions, plasmapheresis, and/or infusion of a heme analogue may lower the circulating burden of protoporphyrin in the blood, reducing intraoperative phototoxic potential.[55] These treatments may also aid postoperatively in retarding the development of protoporphyrin hepatotoxicity in the engrafted liver.[47, 48]Consultations
Consultation with a hematologist should be sought for management of anemia or if hypertransfusion, exchange transfusion, or plasmapheresis is considered. Rarely, bone marrow transplantation may have a role in the management of selected patients with severe manifestations.[21, 32]Referral to specialists at a comprehensive liver center should be arranged at the earliest signs of liver decompensation for assistance in evaluation and management of progressive liver dysfunction. If liver transplantation becomes necessary, a successful outcome is more likely if the procedure is performed before the patient is gravely debilitated.Referral to a medical geneticist can aid in counseling patients and families about risks of inheriting or transmitting the mutations and polymorphisms associated with the disease.[56, 57]Preoperative consultation with anesthesiologists and biomedical engineers concerning operating room lighting is essential. The intense visible light emitted by surgical lamps can cause intraoperative burns of the skin and internal organs due to the massive protoporphyrin tissue accumulations that result from failure of hepatic excretory mechanisms.[53, 54] Filtering operating room lamps appropriately can block the most harmful portions of the visible light spectrum.[55]Diet
Do not severely curtail carbohydrate intake; a beneficial glucose effect may be modulating abnormal heme synthesis.[58] Limit use of ethanol; alcohol excess has been implicated in fatal protoporphyria associated with liver failure..[59]***mobe's note: I like this section as it points out that a decent carbohydrate rich diet can aide in benefit. My own mother denied me sugar and such under Münchhausen's Syndrome trying to get attention with claims that I was diabetic. I am NOT diabetic but do take Metformin for a hormonal compound it holds and has been proven to help with fertility issues and amenorrhea which I also suffer from. She very well may have contributed to her own insecurities as a mother when doing this as it made me more unmanageable which is her sole claim for the abuse and neglect I suffered as she could not "soothe" me because "I cried from the moment the sun came up until it fell" long into toddler-hood. I soon learned by four years of age that crying got me nowhere and haven't "cried" for my disease since...until the day I diagnosed myself and found it MYSELF and knew I was "home" and that I have spared my own child the torment I have had.***Activity
***mobe's note: Another good article as it shows to doctors that it is imperative that I refrain from all sun exposure. Other articles to come reflect that indoor lighting as well can cause problems for the more severe cases such as mine to which my recent stay in a medical center would not make conditions for my disability. My own family has a hard time with this one as they see I have to go to the doctors and such during day, when the world was not created for my kind and feel I can subsequently go outdoors to the benefit and betterment of their needs and wants.I will admit to "enjoying" sunshine for a rare occasion if only to make my kid feel normal but I, and I ALONE, reserve the right to decide what sun exposure I will have and for what benefit-no one else!***Sunlight avoidance is mandatory. Recommend adjustment of outdoor activities to avoid midday sunlight. Stylish and comfortable sun-protective clothing is commercially available that can reduce time constraints on many outdoor sports or activities. Specialized programs for photosensitive children can be found that offer safe and healthy recreational experiences, even a summer camp organized by the Xeroderma Pigmentosum Society. SeeCamp Sundown.Medication Summary
The only oral photoprotective agent approved by the US Food and Drug Administration and widely used for the treatment of protoporphyria is a synthetic beta-carotene formulation now available over the counter as Lumitene. Cysteine has shown benefit in clinical trials. Pyridoxine was reported effective in 2 cases. H1-receptor blockade may reduce symptoms due to mast cell histamine release during acute phototoxic reactions if established prior to exposure. Whether H2-receptor antagonists reproducibly slow porphyrin production in various porphyrias remains unproven.Liver dysfunction warrants individualized design of therapeutic regimens that may include the administration of enteric sorbents to promote protoporphyrin excretion, bile acids to enhance porphyrin clearance from the liver, and hematin to repress porphyrin production. Combinations of these and other adjunctive agents and modalities may moderate the urgency presented by a failing organ, allowing orderly preparation for an optimal transplantation.***mobe's note: Lumitene is not available except at a high price to which our insurance companies in this country do not recognize, just as they do not recognize the disease. I also take the metabolic order of medications to aide in digestion and set up protocol for evacuation of the protoporphyrins I am CURRENTLY producing. It CANNOT remove the build-up/edematous effect of long term accumulation leading to hepatic failure, bone marrow loss and other organic failure as a result of hepatic function working overtime and the body's propensity for rerouting necessary work for it by shutting down what IT considers secondary function ie: digestion in the stoma, hormone production, renal function, etc. I was "found" at this severe state and have been on Reglan to make my stomach "rumen" my own food(which used to sit and rot, because the stomach refused to do its job, for days. I literally ate 2-3 times a week but was big as a house from my own natural curvaceous figure and edematous propensity as a direct result from organ failure causing chronic inflammatory disease as a secondary and lesser known effect of this disorder in most severe cases. I have been attacked openly for my size for 40years and suffered immensely the shame associated with obesity and come out to you today telling you I weigh 420lbs and look like I weigh slightly over half that. Yes I am fat, but much of what is carried through the legs and hip/gluteus areas are lymphatic pooling(aka-edema)that gravity took great hold of.) and I take Cholestyramine to absorb protoporphyrins in my bile, stomach and digestive tract that are newly produced. Without the Reglan and Cholestyramine I am unable to eat beyond one decent meal every 2-3days and sugary fluids in between for energy as needed as well as a caffeine uptake for alertness. I took good care of myself without medicine for a long time past what others have expired under by listening to my body. Which to this day baffles the doctors as to how long I went "unchecked" and without treatment.***Photoprotectants
Class Summary
Beta-carotene is a scavenger of singlet-exited oxygen and is believed to interfere with the efficiency of porphyrin-sensitized photoxidative damage in the skin. Ingestion of beta-carotene at recommended doses produces carotenodermia after several weeks. Increasing tolerance of sunlight develops during this loading period. Tolerance diminishes over several weeks when treatment is stopped.Vitamin A (Lumitene)
Exact mechanism of action not completely elucidated. Patient must become carotenemic before effects are observed. More than one internal light screen may be responsible for effects. May provide a limited level of photoprotection. Causes yellowing of skin (carotenoderma). Any photoprotection afforded increases slowly over 4- to 6-wk period after drug is commenced. When discontinued, skin color and benefit fade over several weeks.***mobe's notes: So who wants to look like an OOMPA LOOMPA? Carotenodermia is just that as you WILL turn orange but does NOT guarantee 100% of users as to its usefulness as an agent to protect against the light exposure.***Antihistamines
Class Summary
H1-receptor antagonists modulate effects of histamine in skin. If taken prior to anticipated strong sunlight exposure that cannot be avoided, acute reactions may be attenuated to some extent; minimal benefit is expected if taken afterward.Fexofenadine (Allegra)
Nonsedating second-generation medication with fewer adverse effects than first-generation medications. Competes with histamine for H1 receptors on GI tract, blood vessels, and respiratory tract, reducing hypersensitivity reactions. Does not sedate. Available in qd and bid preparations.Enteric adsorbents
Class Summary
Agents that bind protoporphyrin in the intestinal lumen promote its excretion by interrupting enterohepatic recirculation, thereby reducing the porphyrin load presented to the liver for clearance.Cholestyramine (Questran)
Polymeric resin that binds bile acids, porphyrins, and other molecules to form nonabsorbable complexes that are excreted unchanged in feces. Adsorbs many drugs and nutrients; long-term use requires proper timing of oral drugs and may warrant supplementation of vitamins D, E, A, and K.Activated charcoal (Actidose)
Prevents absorption by adsorbing porphyrin in intestine. Multidose charcoal may interrupt enterohepatic recirculation and enhance elimination by enterocapillary exsorption. Does not dissolve in water. Adsorbs many medications and nutrients; long-term use requires proper timing of oral drugs and may warrant supplementation of vitamins D, E, A, and K.Antihistamines, H2 blocker
Class Summary
Produce blockade of H2 receptors.Cimetidine (Tagamet)
H2 antagonist, which, when combined with an H1-type, may be useful in treating itching and flushing in urticaria. Porphyria-specific usage for inhibiting overproduction of porphyrins is experimental.Gallstone dissolution agents
Class Summary
Increasing bile flow enhances secretion of protoporphyrin by the liver into the enteric tract and clearance from the body.Ursodiol (Actigall)
Shown to promote bile flow in cholestatic conditions associated with a patent extrahepatic biliary system. Decreases cholesterol content of bile, therefore reduces bile stone and sludge formation.Heme analogues
Class Summary
Intravenous infusion of a heme analogue may repress heme synthesis in liver and bone marrow cells, thereby reducing rate of protoporphyrin overproduction.Hemin (Panhematin)
Enzyme inhibitor derived from processed red blood cells and is an iron-containing metalloporphyrin. Previously known as hematin, a term used to describe the chemical reaction product of hemin and sodium carbonate solution.Has anticoagulant effect and may cause thrombophlebitis at infusion site. Must be reconstituted from lyophilized powder. Reconstitute with human serum albumin 25% (132 mL of 25% human serum albumin to 1 vial of hemin [301 mg heme]).Heme arginate
A heme analogue not available in the United States that would have similar uses to hemin as described above.***mobe's note: The best medicine money can buy but not covered by insurance in the United States. I have some of these available to me as they are not for the sole treatment of my disorder(lucky that huh?)and the rest are too expensive, like the clothing and other lifestyle necessities that most patients of meager to poverty levels cannot afford. (I'm just saying)***
...THIS DOES NOT REPRESENT A TOTAL DIALOGUE OF INFORMATION AND DATA REGARDING ERYTHROPOIETIC PROTOPORPHYRIA AND IS MERELY ONE OBJECTIVE STUDY PRESENTED AT THIS TIME, MORE TO FOLLOW ON LATER DATES...This is too much to absorb at once so feel free to chew on it. I am going to spend the weekend bringing you this information because you are not my only readers out there. I know full well what kind of "candy" and dirty little secret my blog has become and I have no "ill" feelings on the matter, as I am rather flattered by just one reader at all. I do have my medical staff who do look at this site form time to time and I will make note to them to look for this end of the month for the information they seem to have a hard time finding and searching online and in textbooks. I don't even have their clout as far as obtaining this information, but looks like I didn't do too bad. For now I will leave you with my regular cup of love...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves!
ps. Any questions about the material you can email me at mobiuschic@gmail.com as I do expect some of this is overwhelming and hard to understand unless you have read it as often as I have or a medical professional. I will be happy to explain in laymen's terms on an "as per" basis.-most of you know most of this already from my wonderful disdain filled entries here.
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