Red String, Blue String

it's a goofy day to be me today. I have my moments and chose today to spread a little sunshine and fertilizer on every one's lawn. I don't know why I'm in such a good mood but be thankful for it doesn't happen often these days.

I didn't sleep last morning at all and only stole a few hours midday and feel bloated and ucky and goofy. My kid and I are on the same page and my man will be in touch sometime tomorrow and my cat dissed me when I got home until I made him an offer he couldn't refuse. I need a minute to catch up on things and know tomorrow will be hell so I am enjoying the here and now. It isn't anything special and I get riled up easy but nothing really got me under the bar this weekend. I am stronger and older and uglier by one day and pretty damn happy I'm one day closer to the beginning of another era in my string.

One glowing strand of white hot life in the eternal darkness of blues and reds. I am a beacon and I am accepting of that fate. All the life lines merge and converge into one another and every once in awhile you'll find one of another color. Blue string is human stain and red string are the stains of the immortal, the gods. White is, from what I can guess, one of the colors to which all will gravitate to as it glows too bright in the darkest of nights. I can hear them all. The living and the dead and even hear what their mouths aren't saying. You get used to the noise for you are never alone. If I yield to it I will go mad and need extensive hospitalization. So I try to accept gleefully that I am here to serve and be some sort of light in the fog and get the ship's ashore and crash a few dingies on the rocks of fate. Tonight I am just a cheerful light to bring a smile on the ethereal faces in the audience.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

A Woman's Word

a promise is important and a woman's word is as good as it is used. I make promises rarely and can probably count on one hand how many I have broken, through no fault of my own. I cannot say the same for the loves I have had or the role models that have been in front of my kid's learning curve. But she is learning to keep hers and she is a sneaky lot about it. I know she wants to be a writer but I think she will make an excellent lawyer someday.

Her argument skills are exemplary and she is a bulldog. I raised a strong-willed woman with a voice of boom. The only problem is she will try to wheedle out of her word many a time. Good skills for the trained defensive lawyer but not for a mom or teacher or guardian. Kinda makes me wonder if I will ever see grandchildren someday as though a wonderful child she be to me, I am not so sure she will have time or patience for children of her own. She seems to like them enough but only on occasion and the rest of time they are more of a hindrance than anything and something for her own disdain to harp about. Today she spends the whole day with her boyfriend and his family. It isn't the first time she goes there as we used to live downstairs from them, but it will be the first time they will spend a fair amount of time together. Usually he was always downstairs with her and I to get away from his own boredom and we didn't mind the company. They now need time away from her "weirdo" mother and she needs to spend time with his parental units so that they may form a better bond. He wants to marry her and she him (after a very long engagement and education beyond high school is completed) so it is necessary for there to be this time with his family. His mom and I get along great and I have no issues with his dad, he works a lot so I hardly see him, and his sister is sweet but don't tell her I said that because she likes everyone to think she's a tuffy. His older brother is in the military and married so he, the last of the three, is the baby and it will be an arduous task for momma and daddy to let him go. They trust me and that is good and their son is my son and they know I will protect him with my life as if he was my very own. So with apprehension I will drive the offspring to her destination and pray she isn't too much a pain in their ass and is respectful, for that is how she was raised. I want them not to worry about what kind of woman their son has fallen in love with anymore than I have had to worry about the same from our end. I hope the kids have fun and the only thing I have to say to her is this: "A promise is a promise and it is loosely interpreted and easy to cheat but more worth the effort not to be stingy when the understanding was clear on both ends!" ...be a good girl tomorrow and a good guest!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Born To Be, or Not To Be

I was born to write and sing and cook. Others are born unto their own stations in life. Each of us has found the resources to get what we need to some degree and most of us will agree that we wish we had learned something else or in addition too instead. Today I had wished I was a computer genius and later I wished I was an attorney of business law. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow I will aspire to be a comedienne...hahaha. I think I aspired on that one a bit too often.

With what I have to work with and who I have to witness or try my technique on, it would appear that I have peaked at my skill surplus. I am past the point of singing for my supper and no where near as gorgeous as I had been when I had a band back before Lobo was but a thought. I am now and always will be a good mother and as far as my cooking goes, I am only as good as the reviews of my fans will report and there are just too many food "issues" running around today. This one don't like that and that one don't like this and they all pass their poor judgement and lack of culinary expertise onto their children for fear that if their kids eat better than they do they will show them up some how and rise above their station in life. I have seen children starving for vegetables and snork 'em down when served to them until a parent appears in the room with the look of shock and disapproval and dismay that their "widdle baby whatever" should choke to death on English Mushy Pea! The kids want to explore and are at the ideal age but the parents are so afraid that if the children like someone elses cooking over their own then they lose face or some form of entitlement in the child's eyes and they will start writing graffiti in the kitchen and smoking crack because they are so disobedient! Mostly mothers are at fault in this instance but in the case of single fathers that exist, their offspring too pick up the bad habits of the "residential" chef and let's face it...not everyone can cook or cook well.

It comes as no shock that when it comes to cooking I persevere. The shock comes later when I explain to people how little I actually eat and how obsessed I am with food. My writing as well but I can't write a bad poem if I tried nor can I write a bad letter. I just have a knack for these two skills which I felt would put me head and shoulders above the rest of the idiots slinging hash and monologuing in script. I'm good at it. Real good and it gets noticed, so it also doesn't surprise me that I even get the negative attention that comes from getting noticed. People get jealous. Brothers and sisters have fought over less and my family is no different as it would seem a lack of loyalty is perceived should any of their children prefer their aunt's sustenance over their own mommy's and daddy's. Today I was thankful one of my siblings had a significant other who was adept at computers. He helped my old (only 2yrs!) HP cough out a few more words and he and I are still trying to get it to come up to par. It is running better and for that I could bake him a ginormous pineapple upside down cake! Back in olden days that was how things were done. I got something you wanted and you got something I needed. He and I both work out of love of what we do and simple praise and a luxurious cake is payment all he needs. Me it is the praise and a visit and a hug. I trade easy as I cook not just for me but for them, them all. So I am in debt one cake to a man some take for granted and though he may not have the education of the Geek Squad at Best Buy he certainly can give them a run for their "cake"!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Out of Sync

why is it that when I really want to stay awake my mind decides it is time for a necessary "shut down" for mechanical and theoretical repairs? I missed an appointment this morning and my blog last night and a phone call from a loved one. I made up my mind to stay awake and wouldn't you know it it would over-ride my decision and make one of its own. I fell asleep.

I used to be able to stay awake for days on end and not with any outside help whatsoever. Now I have to wait two weeks for my appointment again and three days to speak to the loved one and am doing my blog the "morning" after from when it was supposed to be  done instead of packing for the weekend like was planned. I am still tired and m body is not cooperating on any account. I am fed up. I don't like that the rest of the world doesn't acknowledge I cannot live within its parameters or laws. I loathe the fact the others go about their business aloof to what other entities exist and the needs of their existence. The very doctor that treats me for this genetic quality who knows what hell it is for me to venture out in the day doesn't operate during my "normal" business hours. The same goes for employment and government/financial business too. Friends are long asleep and family has long forgotten what my face looks like and today is just another day to remind me of how lonely lonely is and why it isn't pretty being me no matter how slow I age on the outside. It also reminds me of how little time I will have by the aging of the inside to share with some people and to have a somewhat peaceful existence.

I feel for my kid and wonder if her own life will mirror my own and whether or not she will find it less than tasteful to be misjudged in the daylight for her unusual dress or looks. If she will suffer the pain inside and the mental anguish outside for the things she longs for the way I have, it will come as no surprise. Maybe she will persevere and find her own niche where I have failed in my infinite task of trying to assimilate tot he needs of the human folk while maintaining a proud identity and be true to whom I am. It isn't fair and not one soul really gives a damn about fairness except at their own benefit and needs. Her dad was a good example and perfect one for the concept of selfish visualization of fairness. What really is fair anymore? Children die every day who don't ask for the hurt and mothers lament their loss while fathers diddle the personal secretaries and make some poor excuse to come home late but always question when she arrives home five minutes too late from the grocery store with some "important" necessity that they themselves could of gotten off their asses to get! It gets sickening after awhile and today, well just took the cake!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

A Child Grown

at exactly twelve minutes before midnight on this day, 26 January 1996, some odd fifteen years ago a child was brought into this world. "Child, child, flesh of mine. Gift from pain, nine months time. Though tears do fall on your embrace. Dare not harm befall your grace!" My disdain and sadness is simple today. In cultures around the world a child becomes a woman when she starts menstruation. In my culture a child becomes a woman when she is released to the world as "done" as if she were a baked cake. All done and can't fix and it is what it is. Some are good cakes and some are bad and some have pretty "coverings" and some have mess. I brought into this world for what all intensive purposes looks like cake but is in fact pillows of dewy wonderment, for it isn't cake and is unfamiliar to this world but it sweet to the taste, sharp when bit wrong, firm in its stead and always a beauty no matter what state you leave it in.

I have seen cultures that refuse to rejoice in celebrate in the birth of things. Today my one chance at legacy turned fifteen and I have one more year until she turns sixteen. The pivotal American moment when they are almost recognized as adults and their training comes barreling down to the art of getting a job, college, car, mate. It might surprise you that Laurel has chosen her life mate. Not one but two, though she forgets the "Chance" she had and still may in her life. He is already my son and his mother my sister as these two are inseparable despite us moving the next town over. They lament and grieve and love and fight and laugh and giggle together. He asks about her as his parents listen to me asking after him. He has never laid lips or hands upon her and nor has she upon him as they both respect themselves and each other. I worry for her as some of her development in comparison to mine is in appearance of being slower. But the things she slows to are the very things I wish I had so it isn't all bad. Today she informed me she wants to "kiss" him and I was pleased. She needs to get her "feet wet" on this and get the fear aside because she is strong and he is the calibur of young man who I know I can trust with her to protect her when I'm gone. He is sworn too and I know most of you don't hold merit to the swearing of oaths I can assure you he takes these quite seriously as he and I are bonded beyond that of mother-in-law and son to be. He is a "talented" boy and is "chosen" not just by her but by her mom, family. He reads these blogs-that's how much he cares for her and for her momma and never ever would try to come between the two. I know in his own way he sees me as a second momma and I am proud of the fact and the fact his mom and dad value me closely as part of their family.

In our lives family was hard to come by. We had plenty but it wasn't the family we'd choose. My friends are more family then family is, and outside of siblings and their children (and not all of them at either point) my family is sparse. Lobo is safe and a fine young woman who speaks her mind much to the dismay of peers and real family. He adores her for this and I know he won't censor her and to me that is love. The only way a man or woman should censor the one they love is with a kiss that steals their affection's heart and breathe away! Many men and women have tried in my case and few have done. He is hers and I am at peace with my lovely young lady even if she's still rough around the edges. Soon this "cake" will be finished and already there are "buyers" but only one will adore her completely. Edsel is that one. And he is my son. He accepts her inhuman qualities as if they were gifts from the gods and cherishes even her annoying habits and whines to which would drive a loving mother "mad" and under the cloak of comforters in the wee hours of the morn.

My simple sadness comes knowing soon I will lose my baby. But I shed no tears yet for she is still with me~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Gales of Happiness

the allure of the sunless day has led to something charismatic and quite finit it it's own right.

loving the way and older patron shall balk when I exclaim my esteemed happiness for the rain clouds that provide cover.

as a nightsider there are fewer days to which I would call my summer or "fun" days

today such gales brought even the wamphyrii to the surface from the caves deep below and up on high

every crack of white hot lightning and rolling thunder dares "them" to disrupt our day!

rejoice as the sun has fled and we shall walk along the daysiders and remark effortlessly how this one looks and that one appears or wonder what that one is thinking!

to eat amongst them and blend in is our own "hallowed" day as we later pretend to be creatures we are not as we feel the wet costumes and forget the rest "see" us as we stand alone in the downpour taking count of the each "prey" amongst the pack of rude and leering gazes

ne'er do we ever intend to sup on their weak-flesh and their impure blood but t'is good to pretend for a day

every male, female and child was a king or queen or prince(ess)ly heiress today for my brethren.

as the fates blew the cold winds and the whirlwinds that would destroy the fun and hopes of mankind we rejoice for t'is our turn to have fun

to the stores and to the malls and to the shoppes we flock in the light of day and with the cover of gods' graces and the cottony pillows of darkness they sent

"oh what have I done to deserve such a fond moment to spend with my child?"

can anyone grasp the awkwardness one must feel to see a gaie and content mother wolf out on the hunt for activities and such with her lil pup close at her heels?

would anyone appreciate the cool tears of the gods as they smiled upon the two disturbingly different creatures proudly facing the wind with a mirthy and earned smile of joy?

does any person understand the rain washes away the vile stares of unknowledgable judgement as the lookers on turn up their noses is supposition to the matron and the "shirking" of protection she afforded her child?

a child so strong and stronger yet than most grown men and athletes, who was so fond and happy in the company of the rain and gales and as they pelt her flaming soul

the regal behemoth stature of the matron as she willowed fastidiously through one task and another for once with the grace of an angel albeit "fallen" in their eyes

I danced today in the rain and relished in the joy of the cool comfort and wetness that chilled a nuclear temple

we laughed and talked and never once struck our arms in agony or scratched all too familiar wounds open in the heat of the sun

we had fun today her and I

no one else did

no one else wanted to see what beauty a day like today could bring to one so cursed by man's eyes

the value in the chuckle and astonishment when the poor woman of age warned the knowing mother that the weather was unsuitable for her kind, and her remark was "we deserve our 'bright and shiny' days too-and ours are so fewer than yours!"

I will never forget that look nor will my legacy as we seen many the likes of before and she will witness many since

not one man or woman can understand the comfort is not their own but doesn't mean there is none to be had for some!

the deer frolic in this weather and the birds take time to preen as a hygienic routine

the cats stare longingly outside to catch a glimpse of fallen beast in the wind and pretend they are there to catch it

we snuggle not in these times, we bundle not when there is no need

for to live with fire you rejoice in the rain and feel calm in the storm that would burden the humankind

today we were energized and renewed

today a queen snatched her heiress off her yellow bus and had a blast

today I walked amongst you and held my head high

today I was regal in my wet, rain-soaked attire

today I didn't frown once and looked like a model of beauty with softened features

today I saw my daughter happy

bring on the rain, bring on the snow, give us another dance
~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Good Help-These Days?

it's so hard to find good help these days! I remember when my little "me" was so eager to put her toys away and help with the cooking and doing all manner of household things. Only now at fifteen she wants to sit and moan and whine all the time. As far as men are concerned, they work and come home and their day is done. My day would be working longer hours because the job was farther away and coming home and doing the household stuff for three people with minimal help. I worked a sixteen hour day and they an eight. I worked seven days a week for a 112 hour work week and they a forty!

Now don't get me wrong. If I said I didn't want to cook they'd get all excited at the prospect of going out to eat. No one seems to want to take care of themselves anymore and only the real small will offer assistance. I cooked again today preparing extra again for the rest of the week because finances are tight and I don't have the cash to spare to go out. My little niece wanted so much to help and I got to renew my faith and laughter in that little two year old as she knelt on the chair at the dining room tabled to help me stir things and make meatloaf and prepare the stuff going into it. I miss the togetherness of people sitting around a table or wherever working on the same task together like that. Seeing her cousin so eager even instilled some jealous abandon into Lobo so she after a little prodding wanted to be there with her momma and do some food preparation. When it was all done she refused to try it as she always did until "auntie" reminded her she "made it" and then she wanted it and I fed her some from my plate to which delighted her to no end! It was good to be a part of that happiness once again and I didn't wear out my physical self but found myself fast asleep on the couch until after midnight and long after the rest had gone to bed. I know the sleep was brought on by mental exhaustion from remembering the good times and the laughter and enjoyment for the new ones. I woke up and headed here to my room and my PC and my social network and you, my readers. But there are other things that occupy my mind tonight, rather this morning. Like the help of a friend to another and whether they need it or not.

I helped and helped and helped till I am blue and frustrated beyond belief. I could write a book on all the things I have had to say to cheer someone up or to re-evaluate a person's worth to change the course of their thoughts from the negative life-altering decisions they were headed to make. I want to be of service and believe truly that is what I am here for and wonder if my shortened lifespan means I will have an early retirement too? I'm not complaining and really don't know how to stop but in the case of former spouses and mates, they really need to get a clue as to what they are navigating. I should not be obligated to "fix" the bad relationships they abandoned ours for or to remind them of how special they are when they felt themselves better than me and left and checked out long before my heart had! Dark waters make for great places to hide a soul or a body. I was your everything and your world when we were together. You couldn't, chose not to, breath or move without checking in with your "big momma" and now after discarding the old maid, you cannot function without her. I don't want to spend the rest of my life playing the free fucking counselor ( I have to pay for my three and have always sought a counselor when I needed to get back on track-even seeing some now!) I have the bulk of my life. I babysat as a teenager and I babysat as a student and I babysat as a boss and employee and even had to when I was married. I have taken care of most family members and their children and all of my long term, live-in, partners and now I don't want to do that anymore. I QUIT! Consider this my 2 weeks behind 10 years notice! I want to have my golden time in whatever manner I choose (sex always being on the top of my list along with wine and chocolat and writing!) and I want to spend it with someone who will work WITH ME to build a happy ending and life together. I have a pretty good man right now and he is far away most of the time because of work. I like that as it gives me my space and time to be the shit I was born to be and it makes the together moments much more appealing, and the little shit most argue about doesn't come up because we want the most out of our time together. It's too bad it takes a tot of just eight hundred days to remind us of what's important... I think all people's with one so young should "mine" them out to the whiny women and men who want reaffirmation so they will see the "big picture" doesn't just have them in it!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves!

The Birth of a Recipe

frustrating is the day that has no significance other than to be a connection to the next. Communal as our home may be, I have very little to keep me busy beyond my writing. My kid wants to eat and she mostly gets it herself, only today was the whine and scene and the wanting to get momma to do parlor tricks at her whim. Yes, I complied because we ate poorly over the weekend with the home repairs keeping me out of the kitchen. All the dinner plans I had had are long forgotten and even the lemon cake wasn't to be made. What am I supposed to do.

Well I cooked yesterday evening and made pizzas and today cooked again to find she wouldn't eat claiming she was ill. I am a fabulous cook and know she wanted to eat but she only ate her veggies and got sick. She never eats her veggies first so I know something is up with her and lacking in her diet. I wanted tacos and had her convinced she did to as they are quite healthy when I make them. Shredded seasoned beef (I usually do pork) and lettuce and cheese and we'd have some "baked" nachos and sliced fresh vegetables. But then the communal nature of our home took hold of my senses and drove me to change my "car's" direction. My brother's girlfriend, baby-mama, is a gem and sweet and even funny. Her and I get along and it isn't always harmoniously but we do love one another like sisters. She's from Louisiana and her idea of a vegetable is heavily buttered corn(a grain damn it!)and ketchup. Like most southern cooks if it ain't fried to a crisp it ain't done! So today she fried some frozen chicken tenders for lunch for their family and dinner my brother made country-fried pork chops. Simvastatin stat! Lipitor on the double!

I have been a good girl and been trying to get Lobo on track too as the holidays always leave the waistline expanding as the wallet depletes. After the weekend I made some lite english muffin pizzas and they came out spectacular and I have another meal's worth but felt pizza twice in a row would be, blah. Tacos was a good switch but the oil was there calling me. Calling my culinary skills to step up and see if I still "got it." I mean like any fool can boil meat until it shreds and add seasoning to taste and a little tomato sauce to bind it together to stuff in a damn tortilla shell! Frying is a whole other ball game. Batter or bread? Crumbs or flour? So many options to choose and the oil has to be perfect and the right temp. The "taco" beef was chosen as such because it was an inferior piece of meat that I bought and found dry and difficult to swallow when last cooked. It's a fucking eye round too!(I won't buy meat there again!) But I had to use it and thought if I can make chicken tenders(fingers) then why not make them with another meat? Now my brain was drooling long before my hands started grabbing bowls. Think country fried steak...in fingers! I sliced the frozen beef and pounded my meat (hahahaha no pun intended but funny nonetheless) with a mallet until it resembled cubed steak. They were cut into elongated triangles only 1/4in thick. I figured if the meat was so dry I needed to "wet" it with a buttermilk soak, but we had none. So I made some with a half cup of sour cream and some skim milk and garlic paste and salt, pepper and seasonings. That meat soaked all of it up and now I was all in and couldn't stop. I took the floured approach and the double-dip to get a good crust. Seasoned with cumin, salt, pepper, garlic, onion and turmeric I dredged the fingers in the flour then an egg wash (2eggs + water + buttermilk I could pour off of meat so the wash is thin) then again for a second pass in the flour and into the hot oil. They came out beautiful, tender, flavorful and unusually yummy. I feel bad for my kid. I do, and hope she is better tomorrow to enjoy my invention. Even the "house" enjoyed it though they weren't too fond of the smell of beef frying. I'm not fond of it either but the end result is worth the try...so if you're a home cook and make your own CFS (country fried steak to a waitress) then try it in smaller pieces. You won't be disappointed! (we will make those tacos later in the week, I promised her that!)~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Ready For It

from where I sit I feel time is running out. I feel the pictures moving by too damn fast and I am tired of worrying about what could've been or what I wanted. I only want happiness and enough of the needed things in life and someone to share them with. I don't need marquee lights or a grand finale of sorts. It wouldn't be me, even if it is offered I would be a sheep of a gal and avoid as much as possible. Believe what you want but I have had my chances at the fifteen minutes they keep telling you about and I chose to let it pass...

I mean something to someone. I have to and know I at least I do to my kid. Out there in the great big ocean there is someone who wants me and I don't care what people think. My house can flood a second time and the winds can blow the fucking roof off so long as I am needed and wanted and mean the world to a few. My room is almost back to what it should be and my kid is improving in attitude so things are sorting themselves out. When and if I get better for a bit I want to do some things but they aren't so important that I would pine away for them. I can still have sex and still cook, though it may take me longer and still bust some one's head in if needed. Life is pretty ok even if it isn't all I once was, but we're never all we once were are we? We have evolved and some of us more than others.

When I grow up...I want to be a big girl who can make my own rules and do my own thing and say what I want to say without a care in the world. When I get bigger I want to eat whatever I want and sing when I want and sleep whatever hours I choose and work when I want to and never because I have to. I want to feel no guilt and care about no pain. There will be ample of me and food and drink to suffice for everyone and I will be admired and loved by many and hated by most. I will live for the night and fuck and scream and howl and eat and piss and fight every chance I get. Who else can say they have done everything and are content with whom they are? Have you checked off all on your list? I may want another go around but I made the first few laps in record time and it was good I did too. Because time is what I don't have or need anymore excepting to just be quiet and content with someone I matter a great deal to. There will be no 50th wedding anniversaries for me nor a 70th birthday. But I will have whoever he be and my kid and if I'm blessed grandkids too and... of course-you guys!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

A Part of Me

an outstanding view of time and space is needed today. I have lost my funny and my happy so I need to get back to myself.

I know it won't be gone long, as it rarely is, but I feel so disconnected which is funny when you figure in the post from yesterday. I actually like these moments of personal hell that invade the humor and disdain in my life. They anchor me and give me new goals when I have already achieved the ones long past. My misery is just as much a friend as any of you and my little hubby, Iggy, has seen me through some of the worst of it. The poor spouse has witnessed my two bouts of cancer and my hospitalization numerous times in the last seven years. He has seen me cry and seen me laugh and see me in a silent state that lasted for over a month. Imagine Mobe without speaking ever for a whole month! No comments and no answers and no >this<...

I guess the flood of my room affected and carried away more than just things out of my life. I sit and contemplate the significance of things and the needfulness of such and am thankful it wasn't worse and that no on else's shit was damaged. I was the "target" in a manner of speaking and I feel the fates' eyes upon me watching intently to see if I got the message. I did but still am not sure what I did to provoke them...it will come as all answers do and always at the least opportune time. Possessions can be replaced or forgotten and later remembered fondly. Even documents can be found to replace the ones lost. It's just the headache of the whole damn ordeal and I'm just not feeling "it" today knowing the struggle I will have(do have)to fix the wrongs in my life. I wanted the cancer to take me. I wanted the emergency surgery to take me too. I wanted that truck to plow into me rather than avoid me when I stopped my car in the middle of the road. I wanted to not give a shit about anything or anyone and just to fade out. I wanted me to just be a thing and some huge wind to come and blow me away-I still want it, but not as badly. I know this will pass and I truly do not want to worry anyone. I'm just being me, and this is part of the me that gets people as far away as possible whether I intend it to or not~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Individuals: Part 10

I want to reach out and touch someone. It's a basic need and one everyone can get a grasp on. Connection is vital to all species even when minimal and when one is away from the pack they feel so isolated. But in that isolation they find themselves growing and maturing and learning so many things about themselves.

When I am alone I don't have a melancholy sense about me having the connection to things ethereal that most do not share and most of those do not believe in. I used to despise the solitude but now embrace it as time well spent and even don't mind setting aside mounds of it to go there. To the dark places that are frigid and test my endurance for the distasteful. However...

People will reach in and holler so loud that it breaks that invisible membrane of quiet and forces you, for a brief instance, to choose to remain or to come out from hibernation. Most often I come out after all hell breaks loose and loathe the doing of such. But I still do it anyway, for the connection. As a species humans crave much more attention and connection than others. I stand out as not just different for my genetic "failure" to assimilate to their ways but also in that I am perfectly content all by myself. My kind are. When I was a child I longed for to "fit in" but always fell short in the quest as it was only half hearted. I loved to sit with the trees providing shade or go exploring caves and dark woods. The beast within me knew what it wanted and it wasn't the company of you. I don't necessarily mean that as a problem or as an insult either but merely as an observance. There's a reason there be so few of us and there's a reason when the numbers increase that justifies itself much in the same way when in time of war the world will birth more children. It's a cycle of life for the genus that disposes itself into it. My kind has seen numbers growing and I wonder sometimes about the skills I have that would make my existence needed in the case of apocalyptic circumstances. I see well at night and I endure spans of time without food or bathroom breaks and I have inhuman tolerances for pain as well as super inhuman strength. I am keen and quick decision making comes easy as I have had plenty of dark nights in which to enrich my life with the tools and ideas man has brought forth.

I see a road ahead and maybe no one else does but in the coffee houses and poetry readings and musical moments in the park, I hear the people stirring. They whisper about the end of an era and about a change coming to our way of life. They contemplate survival on a global scale...what is this something wicked that comes this way? Thinkers and doers and builders and planners and "see-ers" and such all have skills needed for a change...so is there going to be a dark world rising to which my kind must guide and be in service to theirs?? I don't want any part of it and it may come down to revolution of the evolutionary kind. Those of my birth who will fall, as the Cherokee Nation had, on the feet of the oppressors and those that will fight with their last dying breathe! I raise a warrior and a fighter and she has my ideals and is suited thus for what is to come. Maybe not in her lifetime but she will pass on all she has gained and that is all that matters to me now...I'm so full of thought tonight, friends, in quite a somber mood...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Sea of Love

and now for a little poetry 101...

when the day seems so long and so far
how the distance hurts and mars
I can hear you despite the miles
a sea ye be on wavy trials

should we dive in hard and fast
head first down ocean vast?
what is a chance we could survive
and strike a deal and stay alive?

my heart will quicken when once to see
the distance swallowed in time's jubilee
and there we are alone in crowds
no words or sound but all out loud

if you can read this and know what's held
within the message I fore-telled
and get the wait has got me tight
as I am up this foggy night

soon the choice will be fulfilled
morphing into one that is willed
two were meant for one good while
damn the distance and long ass miles!

nothing would be held back denied or kept
in secret's boxes under beds unswept
because all I have is all for many
we're too alike it's so uncanny

I wait here tired in darkness hour
onto the sleep as dawn makes cower
my bones do ache for cotton sheets
and sweetest breathes from masculine meats

will we be breathless and gasping for air?
with all that passion do we e'er dare?
I want this so bad and feel your love
don't need a push or prod or shove

I'm waiting here where you said you'd be
a bridge for us to cross you see
and enter into a newer post
with the one I want beside me most~he knows who he is!

~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves!

Hypothetical Assumptions

if I spread word that the sky is green and believe it so, is it fair to think me daft for what I see may not necessarily be that to which you do? My eyes may be incapable of seeing much without a yellow hue ultimately casting all that comes forth in it into a sunny glow. There is a difference between myth and legend and fantasy and reality. I am good at concocting fantasy but I live in the here and now and a lack of information is all that is there. There will always be someone with more data then you and others with even less. But who is really to judge who's data is accurate? Who eventually lies on top of the heap as being the one and all knowing? My argumentative state pops questions into the air to which you can choose to or choose not to engage in. I enjoy this state of play and entertainment.

I know a man who knows a lot of men and women who you and I know quite publicly. It goes without saying that there is always one of them in every crowd. But lately, it seems I have one that has moved into my head. I want to go all Stallone on him and set him straight but my head keeps worrying about how many of those verbal bullets will get lodged into my medulla oblongata and create torturous memories and problems for me later on after I'm dead and cannot recollect a thing! Life is good in my huggy coat! If only there was a way to really lay it all out on the line. I have friends from high school that would appreciate this as there is nothing more annoying than a peep who knows everyone! Maybe the chick who asks you to join everything could use a mellow but nope, the other takes the cake. Now I have met some pretty famous people in this world and even met some pretty famous infamous peeps too. I also know people that lay people shouldn't know and some even the educated aren't privileged enough to know. AND...he knows waaaay more! This friend has taken over my head and thus my body and is even cramping my "me and my toys" time!

I don't want to be possessed by the person no one wants to touch with a ten foot pole. I don't want to be doted on by the town sickie either but lately he has been hanging around too. And if it can't be outdone it will be, there's this chick who I thought I had banned long ago from my cell phone only to have her crop up and "miss me" and then leave no phone number. I feel like I have been "drive by" adored by the past and need a new cage of monkeys to hang from my tree! I spent my day in debate over whether an opinion that is ill informed holds more weight than one that is informed and if either holds water to research and data...but data is all speculation and only as good as the lie written in between its pages! I had fun! It was the freeking highlight to my day besides dinner with the mini me and the dude next to us farting every time he sat down on the bench! He had to know someone heard him...really...dude! Have some manners!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

A Tale of 2 Kitties

to the doctor's I go today. The day is slow and long and the night was worse. I had to reboot and run scans on my computer as I have been without Windows Internet Explorer for quite a few months now. So my posts didn't happen nor did my deadlines and the wall was left untouched after so long. I am tired but awake and figured now was as good enough time as any, only not much has happened.

I wanted to say so much but in the sleeping and trivial aspects of day to day banality, I seem to have lost my train of thought. No robbers on horseback to run amok in my head when I have enough diversions unto myself. The sad part is the sense of humor has escaped me. And it makes me wonder. Do clowns ever really feel as happy as their painted on smiles and are there any comedians that haven't had a shitty life of it? Most of you know me by now and those that don't are sure to learn quick that I am a witty bitch and always can find the "funny" in things, even if a darker side of the "haha" itself. I sit here with two of the five four-legged "children" taking residence up against my ample thigh and can't find one funny thing to say! Iggy is asleep as he always is(old man!)with his belly up as if beckoning his "wife" to rub it for him. Hiro feels comfortable enough to approach the beast(me) that is his momma and his surrogate "daddy" and is alongside the latter with his chin on my ankle. The only funny I can find is in how long it took him to get there.

The poor creature is terrified of all things human and even the human looking non-ones too. I have had him under my care now for some three plus years and only now he decides I'm worthy of a conversation or an approach. He tried to sneak into my closet and I calmly told him that he knows damn well that's a "no no" and he looked at me and started swearing at me! His lower jaw started quivering and shaking and he made this barely audible sound as he twitched his face muscles as if to say "fuck you bitch-you ain't my real momma!" then lumped on the bed and away from the closet. I get the same shit from my fifteen year old when she isn't getting her own way, and that... is... funny! For if I told her this she would bawk and make the same damn barely audible sound and her lower jaw would quiver and she'd mutter to herself  "fuck you bitch-you ain't the boss 'o me!" So I guess I could estimate the age of a cat as five times that of a human chronologically. Dogs, they say, are seven, but seven years would make Hiro in his twenties and that just doesn't sit right for his attitude, unless I classify him as SLD, "slow learning disability" for long. But as years go my handsome almost hubby Iggy is well over 40 by his years and like most 40yrs old men he eats, cuddles, poops, pisses, and sleeps. He rarely plays the traditional sports and considers hunting a waste of time as his "wife" fetches all his meals. He is an emotional and sweet and doting husband and I am thankful for all the love he gives. Now if only he was a real man! My little yin-yan of kitties is happily content and me too. Tonight will be different and my dinner will be theirs and my water or wine will be too as well as my lap and my "petting" hand. Theirs to use for their affection for I wouldn't want to be accused of being an absent "T" mom, nor a fishwife!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

The Agony of Defeat

it wasn't the biggest game of the year. It could have been but it was just a semi final. And I lost, not me personally but the team I adore and the coach I defended through the "cheat" outing! And my super-good boy-lovely-handsome-player that is not a quarterback!

I know-I know you expect to hear this shit on Sports Center, not Mobe's place...I love football and just can't help it. I never got to see a game in high school because I had too many home responsibilities. I went to a few basketball games and for the longest time basketball and baseball were the shit in my young adult world. Roger Clemens was the Rocket and we were an awesome force on the diamond, and we had Larry Bird and the fab four who wound up on the US Olympic Basketball team all in the 80's and early 90's. Times were good coming off the Reagan Era of indulgence! Then I found football. It was a matter of "if you can't beat 'em join 'em!" I had mostly men friends and they mostly sat on their ever diminishing asses and drank beer and ate nachos and subs while yelling at their tv's! One friend even picked his up and smashed it to bits! I soon figured if I wanted action on a Monday night it was going to be to the tune of Bocephus singing "Are You Ready For Some Football!" I not only watched Monday Night Football but I threw the party of the week. To hell with Friday nights or Saturday night at the bowling alley. I made food and it was a BYOS party-bring your own shit....all food and drink was free but if yah wanted to "drink" or "smoke" it was on your house not mine! Man! I had an ounce left over after the party and bottles of liquor strewn across the counters...My buds would leave the lag for me as a present for the kick ass parties we had...hell most of the fuckers knew me personally in the biblical sense and a few of their girlfriend's too. One such bum was pissed because he was sure she was cheating on him and tried as he may to catch her but little did he know what a good little ass kisser, amongst other things she liked to kiss, she was! (Giggles)

So today, for the first time I got to watch a game with family. I don't usually do that as I have always kept a safe distance per the restraining order I wished I had on them all, and never really spent any "good time" with them. I lost my home this December and was quite ok with just chilling in my room with my kid but decided to be social with the rest of the house. So I screamed from the sofa and clapped my hands and starved myself holding out hope they would pull it off. I knew the other team had a great defense. I also knew we have overcome worse situations. I also knew in the last quarter that I have seen crazier miracles than a team coming back in 4 minutes with two touchdowns to upset the game with a turn around and win. Only there was "little bro" whining we had lost before the buzzer and friends online sending their "ill will" and I know damn well it wasn't my cheering that let me down!! *wipes a feign tear from her right eye socket...I do know this, and it even comes as a shock to me to say this. My beloved coach, beloved because while other girls had a crush on sexy TOM I have a crush on the "captain of the ship" who was more suitable to my likes looks-wise and age -wise, the coach...Bill Belichek-mobe's "belly bear," pulled out my favorite player in the first quarter for a disagreement of sorts. Poor Wes Welker, if I was younger he would be my boy, was benched and my hopes with him. I know I wasn't the only Patriot to feel it too as I was posting online and bitchin' the whole way to stick my boy in the fucking game. Peeps were "liking" it too...so in the last quarter, number 83 Wes Welker(Wessie if you love him) was on the field and we started looking good. But, it was too late. Too TOO late!! I am not mad...I am not even furious. I am just sad. So I say to him:

"Belly Bear," couldn't you let the verbal pop go?? Honey I love yah and would love to kiss yah, but couldn't you keep one of the best runners we got right now to stay in the whole damn game?? Moral was lost and we lost and I still love you and Wessie too...just next year take a Cymbalta and keep my boy in!!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

p.s....profs to number 84 for the great TD's and plays he made! profs to the Jets for making it to the final four...profs to the fans who filled Gillette stadium and braved the frigging cold and to the fans who watched the whole disaster to the end and still love those boys!

Individuals: Part 9

I am changing and altering and coming into my own. I am liking the person I am now and know I will like me in the future too. I even am ok and liked who I was, but I see the subtle changes that are occurring as we speak and the ones that lie ahead.

I am at peace once again and feel vulnerable knowing that peace to a wamphyri never lasts too long. Nothing is permanent and it comes as no surprise when I am wronged that I should have my own Gandhi-like moment. I didn't fight. I know right?!?! Mobe just turned and walked away. It didn't happen once either. Some of you will snicker that I am getting old and you'd be well within your right. I am not a weak person and it does strike me as uncomfortable to be this Zen. I am not afraid or ashamed though, as it would only be temporary like all else in my world. There will be quiet on the seas of my ocean for some time. I know this and am ready for it to heal my weary self and allow me time to make ready for the next tempest to arrive.

There are things I'm going to try and do with the time I have in this calm state. I don't know if I can attribute this state to my species differential. I can't really attribute it to chronological age either as the older we get the more fight I think we have. I seem to be the opposite. What I do know is my time is running out and I am wanting to spend the rest of it either seeking happiness or enjoying it. Keeping in mind happiness for one is not what the other would choose. So I am going through some alien equivalent of menopause in my belief. I still remain the same horny and angry and aware person. Only one who wants to take a break from the blood and gore and stare at the sky and listen into the silence to see if she can hear her family calling her, from within....~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Adios Mi Amor

the fates have a funny way of making us or telling us the right or wrong decisions either lie up ahead or were chosen! Someone took the time out to pat my back and say "Hey, you done good lass!"

We all want to think we are perfect unto our existence and even though human I am not, I am fallible! As fate would have it I am capable of loving more than one man or woman at the same time and in the same way but as conscious provides, I cannot cheat and never have. But I get an uneasy feeling knowing I have love for an old flame when I have lust and new love in a new beau. It makes for a balance beam act of proportion! Only I have chosen wisely it seems in that the old flame gave me the closure I needed without me asking for it. I still love him but am now peaceful in letting him go into that box of memories titled "the Good Ones" and move onto another adventure. This is hard for me because even though we did all the right things and dotted all our "i"s and crossed all our "t"s, we still always forget about how connected we are, so this lament is for the family and friends who suffer in the deceasement of a relationship that ends on good terms, and the ones ending on bad as well..

I will miss the family and miss the friends and I know once they get the news of the new beloved in his life they will wonder how I am and if I am ok with it. I want them to know I love him still and am not mad at him and want him happy. I want them to know it is ok to like or love the new girlfriend and if they so choose to call and say "hi" I think that one should wait a little while and give her a chance. They need to know they do not have to include me in their celebrations as it will be difficult for me to see him happy despite me wanting that for him.(remember at one time I wanted to be the one who brought him there) And nothing will please me more than to bump into them in the future and introduce someone new and know he is well and safe and content. Please forgive me for not calling or interfering and consider my heartfelt, prepared, future thinking ideas on that as "I will be in your hearts so I need not be there in the way of his." Life has a way of rewarding good deeds and though I love him and always will, I have another. I had another when he told me and though it came as a shock I did not suffer-I swear, even if I did well up a bit.

I want my old circle of mutual friends and family to know if they ever need anything that I will help if I can and to not be afraid to ask so long as it isn't concerning the new girlfriend. I hope she is pretty and loves him like he deserves, and I do not want to be a constant reminder to her of his past and I want her to judge him fairly by his actions and behaviors towards her, not what and whom he was with...

NOTE: I am cool with this guys. Life is honest and kicks us in the gut. But I really do have a wonderful man in my life and it was so funny how this all fell into place. He and I were just talking about old flames and I expressed my feelings for this other man openly and honestly. My reward was to receive and understanding partner to start a new life with and fond memories of a man I still admire and will look back fondly on, and that is a feat considering there have been plenty of them. After announcing publicly my intent to be committed to the new Mr Mobe, I was taken aback by the grace to which the old flame cared enough to tell me before his family and other friends so I would not find out and be shocked or feel cast aside quietly. I love my "payaso loco" and always will in my heart and my heart is big enough for our memories together and my new ones and future with my silly bear!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Ta Ta or Goodnight?

courtesy comes easy to the goody two-shoes that exist in this world. It is a human emotion to which creatures of all genus types share. Only some things are different in that humans also undermine their own ability to utilize their common courtesies as they change things so frequently. As a species it appears difficult to adjust, so in a sense they will eventually change themselves into obsoletion.

Cell phones have been a useful tool in today's society. Now before you give up on me and my soapbox this evening this isn't a banter or bashing of the cell phone companies. I love mine, yes even us non human creatures have found great pleasure in hearing the voice of a loved one at any moment mutually chosen upon by the two. My grief comes in the hanging up part of the phone call. I love to tell the person I hold dear that I love them but I always feel awkward when hanging up as to who should hit the button first. I feel like it is a test of who loves whom more. I don't like to be the one to do it but always feel shitty when it's done to me. I hate that feeling.

They really make my day great for the hours or minutes I have used. I'm not complaining but there is no clearly defined rule of privilege as to whom should do it. And god forbid the rule of thumb for when you don't like the party on the other end. My brother hangs up quite abruptly when on the phone. I don't get how he can as I always seem to be riddled with a sense of loss or false malice that brings forth regret. I can see if it's a telemarketer or bill collector or even an ex calling that it would warrant the "hang up." Only some people will be asking a question and then, as your answering but not completely finished, you hear the tone. They hung up. Something in your explanation was enough and they were in a hurry and terminated the contact. It's like sudden unexpected death! Even still...

When you love someone and miss them and know the next time you hear from them is going to be a great distance of time that feels like eons away, and neither wants to let go...it's hard isn't it? Who does it and how do you say goodbye? I tell them goodnight and sweet dreams and they tell me it. If they say it first then I feel compelled to say something different so they don't think I was just slacking and didn't care enough to voice my own send off. But why in this day and age must we even fear or worry about that length of time? If I knew I would speak to them again tomorrow or whenever I wanted, it would free this invisible burden of unwarranted guilt I have for not ending the call correctly. It would eliminate the need for bull shit. I spent this evening talking to a loved one. He is adrift in the Gulf of Mexico and headed to a place traceable on a map that I have no clue to where it is. I won't be able to talk to him for almost four days and I hated saying goodbye. I even bet he did too and he could hear my discomfort which brings my loss to the surface. I try to keep a bright face on and do look forward to talking again...but it would ease me to know he's there tomorrow and to hear his voice booming with the laughter I have grown so fond of! But it is not the way the fates have planned our destiny. He will float the icy cold winter water thinking of me and I will immortalize our disdain for lack of cell phone coverage in his absence! He knows I miss him and he matters and the fates and gods among us know he matters to me as I do him. Now if one of those gods is a technology expert...can I at least put in an early holiday request for the year 2011?

I want worldwide cell phone coverage for all. The world is getting smaller and smaller everyday and we have the technology to do it. I should be able to take my phone to Fiji and call a friend on vacation in Japan while conferencing with my boss in Guatemala! He's so close to me-I can see the gulf from here and yet....~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves

Laughter isn't Always...

when your mother tells you to take your medicine I don't think she was referring to cough drops. Laughter is said to be the best medicine, but today I hold great disdain for such guffaws!

I am a comic of sorts. A dark one and one to which gets a bunch of laughs for my sense of humor. I love making people smile almost as much as I like to make them think, and if I can make them think while they laugh! Whoa nelly!

Me and my girls had a fun time last night. Nothing like public crude behavior and such to get the ball rolling only I woke up with the equivalent of a hangover. What I speculate a hangover to be based upon the medical dictionaries. I was dehydrated and dizzy and my head felt like it was run over by a fucking semi! I am not prone to the hangovers of the drinking kind so this was new territory to me. I literally laughed myself silly! I shook with heeps of fun so hard I knocked my noogie silly! And now...I'm paying for it dearly! So to the medicine chest I go for some ibuprophens, four of them, and a glass of tea and the perfect excuse to do nothing today! This must be payback for all the times I poked fun at ex husbands too drunk to stand and ex boyfriends to sauced to keep.

Why must I be punished for bringing a little happiness into the lives of others? It's not like I even cracked jokes on others without tagging myself in a few of them! It is such bliss to even see in type that your pals love your twisted mind and find you witty. I was a dark, raunchy, crude, sexy, vibrant and silly bitch last night! Now I am tired and hurting and still laughing and lazy HO! Hahaha...the gods are laughing at their red-headed and big titted jester today...now if only they'd send me down some honey to ease the pain and a sexy angel or two to pass my quiet time with. But let's face it....they know I'd get into more trouble making mead out of the honey and raping the hell out of the poor strapping winged men they'd send....after all a duck is a duck and a mobe is a mobe!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves!

Fringe Benefits

when a person defies the normalcies expected of life according to the majority rules concept it is supposed that they are considered on the fringe of society. These outside fringes is where you find the most interesting people, place and things. It is where you will find me.

Do you really think that I would deliberately put myself through duress had I any other choice?? I can't say one way or the other and when I was told that I exist on the outside of societal norms, it didn't surprise me none. I have felt different since birth. I have recollection of about 20% from birth to two years old! From two to four a 60% recollection and from four on almost near perfect. I have to forcefully and selectively purge mental litter and trash to free up space for new experiences. You have no idea how frustrating it is for me to do this for to have a near perfect memory to me is normal and to purge feels like I'm losing pieces of me. I was made this way and for what intention I do not know, but I do know that there is and intention in it. I have been tormented and tortured by the lifetimes I have witnessed in my "short" thirty-nine years. Some not even my own for the learning is not only in the trying but the seeing in advance the danger that lies ahead and avoiding it! It is no wonder that my life expectancy comes to a close. I haven't forgot a face or name or song or taste in all this time and most people cannot account for what they ate yesterday. I was born to live on the fringe. I am more than unique and seriously paying for it.

It is part of me now. I am comfortable in it this way and wouldn't have it any other for that matter. The parties and fights and tears and guffaws all made it quite interesting. It's not so bad out here. Besides, someone needs to keep track of the comings and goings on of the members who were forced out and those who wandered here. My grandmother told me long ago that I would make a great historian with the capacity I have for remembering. Then I watched her fade away into senility and Alzheimer's. I fear that. Really I do and I see her oldest son, my father, fading now. And I wonder, I wonder if I am the next target. I know there is no place it will not go and I am ready for when it comes, happy in the know that it has a little farther to travel to get to me out here and that it won't survive long as I won't last long.

There are advantages and fringe benefits that come with being on the outskirts of society. The knowledge here and answers here are endless. For one, people will give up on their forced expectations after a while. You will still have new relationships that try to fit you to their mould but by the time you are my age, they will learn quite quickly! People will also know where to come for the truth and the right ideas and solutions. Solutions get lost in the bureaucracy and idiocy of the laws of mankind. Truth gets lost there too, in the quest for "things," so here is where you go to find it. We are the truth keepers and the solution finders. We are the writer's and poets and the inventors and the people who are consciously trying to improve the world and save what's left of it. We are the people who are trying to reteach the old ways and empower individuals to take back their lives and to live more productively and more forcefully. I like where I am at even if it is on the brink of oblivion. I know where I stand and have no problem with that balance. If you need something and I have it to give, you now know where I am...the last place you'll look~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

What I Own

anything worth attaining is worth fighting for and worth taking.

The social order of animals guides us to what we have as an imagined state of civility. Bi-ped individuals, including those that have lost that ability, have deluded themselves into thinking that life as they see it is what makes us the higher seat on the food chain of life. People have long since forgotten that their basic instinct is to survive. They have forgotten to listen to the bodies, temples, given them. They have forgotten how to take care of themselves and their kin. Forgotten what really matters.

Joy is the moment in time that sparks painful laughter that never ends and brings tears to one's eyes. It is never something that is planned or counted on and I have spent many moments studying how many people are amazed by the simplicity in it. I find I am caught up in the whirl of it at the most insignificant times and sometimes even the most inappropriate. Big booms of laughter are sure to escape my bellows when the mood strikes me and I will make no apologies to anyone when it does. All creatures feel and express joy and never should shame come into play. Not enough understand this. Your mothers and fathers lied to you when they told you there is a time and a place, for the time is now and the place is always where ye be at the moment it strikes.

I take care of my own and my own self. I am the best suited for this task otherwise I wouldn't have been entrusted with it. I don't live for my phone or my television or my radio, that one is hard to admit as I do enjoy it, or my car. These are merely possessions to which I have to make tasks easier and allow and afford me extra time to find joy and peace. I get the evil eye every time my phone rings and I don't answer it. The humans surrounding me at the time are so enslaved to their phones that the even feel a servitude to yours and get quite anxious when you don't divulge who called and the nature of their business. They get rabid when you don't answer! But I learned long ago that in order to maintain a certain amount of sanity that "things" have their place and I have mine and whereas they be useful, I own them, not the other way around. Life will go on whether I have a phone or not and in two counties below mine sits a family court judge who disagrees and was "shown" he had no more merit and law in my life than he believed he did! He insisted that it was my ex husband's right to have access to his daughter, I agree. He insisted that I must keep and answer a phone on me at all times and that my ex husband, who chose of his own free will to walk out on his child at the tender age of one year, had needs that were more important than mine and my need to own my phone and not the other way around. Of course he still has his right to not answer his but I was ordered by a court of law to answer mine no matter when he called. Haha, you all know me by now and would probably not be the slightest bit surprised by the facts that I: A) represented myself in my divorce and custody hearings and, B) informed him of my rights as I know them to be not as he and a bunch of staunchly wealthy assholes saw them. I told him there isn't a court on this planet that would compel me to have, keep or be strapped to a phone merely for the use of my ex husband and also informed him that he was invading my personal space and that if he continued to try and intimidate me that I would show him just exactly how well read I was as a citizen on the laws exacted in our government and I would have his job by next session! A phone is an option and for thousands of millenia people didn't have it as a form of communication. Even the government acknowledges in its welfare benefits as merely being a NON necessity. To this day I don't answer my phone. My phone is for me to be able to dial out on for whatever business or emergency I have. I CHOOSE to answer at my leisure when I am able to and have that right. So those of you in the car or the bathroom or the grocer, department stores with your stares of disbelief when they hear the "Fleur de Lise" play and my witness refusal to answer-mind your own business and control your own life! The wonderful thing about phones as a metaphor for life and taking back what you own in it is that you can also hang up. You can choose who you talk to do business with and who you see. Not just where and when. I am no more obligated to return a call than I am to receive one!

mobe and if not a faint echo of a French melody, and either way you will not shut either up by answering...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves

Mobe's Take on Love

I guess at some point it had to come down to this. Love. I know, I know...no one wants to talk about it but I have a funny feeling most would like to know exactly how pure my disdain is for that feeling.

I love, she loves, he loves, we love and everyone wants to be loved. It is sickening what the great lengths are to which one would go to seek out love only to have their stomach hurl forward into the abyss and their body betray their own "heartfelt" disdain for this forced upon us concept! It isn't that I don't believe in the concept. I just don't buy into the whole big shebang that the world will turn upside down if I don't settle with one idiot or another. Many a man has professed his undying and unconditional love for me as I am sure many have had for you as well, women doing the same for their men. The only problem is most of them don't know what the word unconditional means.(or undying for that matter!)

Unconditional means just that, without conditions. It means when my ass gets fat and my boobs look like a sock full of tennis ball and my legs are so covered in varicose veins they look like a road map you will be there, loving me. It means that when your family jewels look like the Liberty Bell with a crack in them and hang down into your socks you will see me there by your side holding the fuckers up so you can tie your damn shoe! It means that when money is low and stress is high and the kids scream and the fucking dog you wanted pisses on the Sunday paper, you will help clean up the mess and grab me around my waist and plant a big kiss on me for being there with you through it all, and then we will snuggle together to go to sleep and start a new day, together. Unfortunately for me and many others the definitions are lost in the eyes of the non-beholders. I have been cast aside for some of the most stupid reasons. I am sick and was cast aside when he got sick because it was ok for him to cherish a sick woman but not give her the right to decide that she loved him enough to take care of him in his time of need. Noble, ain't it?!? This was the best one I have heard and he was truthful for he still loves me and is celibate today and checks up on me all the time telling me I deserve better. Then there's the kind that wants you to "fix" their issues and broken things and relationships and when you do and the "conditions" are done they flee to greener pastures looking for a newer model!

I have too much to say on love. There are just too many reasons to not try and too many telling me to give up. I think the only reason I stick it out is to keep a mental notebook and report back to the fates on the rationale of the human nature and how much it is ignorant and cruel. I know there are people out there who can attest to me having hurt them all in the name of love. But I am willing to bet if they were honest not one can tell you I was ever malicious or ever cheated. It just wasn't love and was more fondness and I realized long before them that we weren't for each other. I broke up gently if I could and always made aggressive attempts to do so. I cannot say the same for the spineless fuckers I have come across who think it is better to "stage" a fight or something to gain the bragging rights to some claim that they were victimized! Hogwash! Fuck it! After all, love is still only a four-letter word! I don't buy it. But I am still looking for it if it is still free and the chase has made some interesting scenery for my travels!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves(yes LOVES-plural-no law says I cannot have more than one damnit!)

Just Some Thoughts on Nothing

continue to do that to which will ail you and you will find that you will have been the instrument of your own demise! Kids learn this early on if they want to survive in this world. We don't touch what burns us and we move on. Life is never as easy at it seems in the movies and death is never as beautiful. There are just things that they do not show you about death and life that would alter perception.

Our kids are invincible just as we were. We can jump stairs and hold too much weight on our hip and take a punch with the best. Why I even had my feet run over by a semi. I have been burned and stabbed and drowned and beat and starved. I am still living and breathing and defying all logic just as my kid will do in time if she plays her cards right! I want her to be something. I can't say what it is but I want her to put her all into whatever it is she chooses, even if it is not a high profile or sought after endeavor.

Have you ever sat and heard your blood move? It is annoying how the little things seem of more significance than the big things. Like someone coughing in public distracting a bank robbery from unfolding. Or a house full of monkeys and all you can hear is the drip in the bathroom faucet and it drives you insane.

I don't manage well in large groups. It isn't any difference if the groups are age limited or not. I can't handle the noise of the living along with the noise of the dead and find myself just completely insane en masse! I get fidgety and achy and sore all over. My head hurts and my palms get damp and I sweat all over. It really makes me a sight for sore eyes and yet, I can't seem to stay away! I enjoy the rush and the discomfort like a masochistic lunatic! I have a tendency to put myself in harms way for the experimentation of the perverse. But I have also noticed I am not alone in that. I have seen small children and old men do the same. I have seen many an individual die for their knowledge and research...for their science. It pleases me to know that I am no more unique in that endeavor than my human cousins and would even challenge any of their greatest minds to say that other, considered sub, species of creatures do not do the same. Many people have witnessed the non-logic in the folly of all sorts of legged and winged. There is a point to it all and tonight it is just the delving into the rants and ravings of a self professed lunatic who fled the asylum long ago. I like the perverse world in which I am forced to live. I love the challenge of living in your world despite the differences between man and I. It's not as if there couldn't be an alternate universe where my kind live as should and man has to deal with what may come from that as a result or not. Life is surprising in that way and well, I welcome all adversity.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves!

The Rolling of the Eyes

it all started quite innocently over a movie and some dried grain. A real bonding type of moment when the coffee flowed freely and the corn couldn't stop popping. The younger was quite sure the older had seen the freaking flick and the older was absolutely sure she hadn't. Either way it was a mess as the elder couldn't come up with a reason why she hadn't and the other couldn't really prove she had. Before long it became a raucous in the middle of the night and soon the two were at it again.

We lose a little part of us each day as our children grow. According to the offspring we no longer have our wits about us or are capable of remembering anything in the last 365! I don't know where I've been and she probably believes I don't know what I even ate for dinner last night. I remember my youth, when I thought so little of my elders and felt them feeble only to be awakened and amazed by the things they surprised me with everyday. I wonder if I had given them the grief she gives me if I had made them feel like she makes me sometimes? I was bewildered everyday by family members I rarely cared about beyond the dutiful and scared kid who knew she was lower on the food chain than them. I listened intently to boring stories of "when I was a kid" and such and believe them to be concocted tales until I realized they weren't by witnessing some of the tales come to life. My grandfather had to take me to school one day because my sister and I had gotten up late, and wouldn't have enough time to walk as the weather was getting rough, and was complaining all the way about how lazy her and I were and how far he had to walk and in what precipitation. Only by the time we had reached the school we were snow blind in his van and the distance was so vast that even he had to admit it was as far and as dangerous and treacherous as his journeys used to be and even mentioned his were much more often as if to point out what a luxury it was to be in his frosty van listening to Dean Martin on the AM radio. Those times were so good and long ago and now I am the old broad who is as dumb as a box of rocks and need to be "told" where I've been and whom with and why I was there.

Only I did have to walk three miles to school because the high school zoning for buses allowed to pick up for the kids next door but not us because of boundary issues. Hell, I even walked an extra ten miles in the morning just to deliver the town's newspaper off the bag on my hip while riding a ten speed in the snow! Got my ass up by 4am everyday and even had to wrap all 50 papers myself when it rained or snowed to prevent them from getting wet, and I NEVER laid one in a puddle or on a sloppy stoop! I took care of my customers. As the papers left the bag it was refilled with cans for recycling, worth five cents apiece, and back to the drug store where I picked up my route's papers and turned them in for bubble gum and such. Then off to school. Life was good then when we could walk the town unattended and not worry about some idiot pulling up alongside and pushing me into a dark colored truck and speeding off to do bodily harm! Now I am so afraid of letting mine out of my sight that she has become the epitome of a couch potato with an attitude. I wouldn't do things differently except maybe clip her vocal chords at birth(of course I would give them back when she was 18 and came home with a well-written note stating that she had a good job and apartment all ready and will be out in two weeks!)in some harmless laser procedure. Don't get me wrong...I love her and would have loved the other seven had I been blessed with their presence. I just wished she would understand that what I say is true and that I AM looking out for her welfare and that I am NOT trying to just make her the most miserable 15 year old on the planet!

Nothing like a mom and daughter movie night to really being out the charm in a teen and her "crazy & annoying" mom!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

The Distance of Disdain

a car can travel approximately 1200 miles in any given day taking into consideration the time needed to take care of the personal business of the driver and refueling and traffic interferences. Most won't drive straight through and out of the few that even venture any great distance, maybe less than twenty percent notice the scenery. The biggest distances in life create the most spectacular unplanned "Ahhhh" moments. The greatest distance is the greatest place to find disdain, so too shall we look for it where we will.

I am not sure why I remember the moment at this particular time. Maybe because the adjustment to life with my brother's family isn't perfect or maybe because I realize the car I drive wouldn't make that trip again without an overhaul. I want to go on a trip, I yearn for it. I love driving and my kid is the best second seat around albeit the airy bodily functions after fast food! We, rather I, had enough of the fuss and misery in my second marriage and decided to leave. I couldn't stay any longer and felt I had no where to go other than to my mother's that was some odd 1400 miles to the northeast. She and I don't get along quite well but were starting on new ground and I just upped and left in the middle of one of the stupidest arguments with him and grabbed enough clothes for my kid for a week and a couple of changes for myself and sent about heading north. I wound up in Ocala National Forest some odd fifty miles from home and called him humbly asking him to pack me some extra clothing and some winter woollies for her and I as I had forgotten that it wasn't Florida weather in Massachusetts. I waited for an hour with her in the car and when he showed his face was as somber as expected and he told me he would still be here if I wanted to come back and I thanked him coolly and left. It was around ten pm and it was winter. We drove. The whole way non stop. Lobo fell asleep a couple of times and was no trouble at all. I remember every inch of our journey and even the songs that were played and maybe even a few call signs on the various radio stations we fell into along the way.

It was a little past dawn when we made Virginia and we had come to a stop in bumper to bumper traffic in the road. There was a gulch and a guardrail and just two lanes headed north and all were at a standstill. I was worried we would be stuck in the freezing cold and run out of gasoline and supplies and be done with. After a half hour the traffic moved ever so slowly and I could tell it was picking up when all of a sudden a deer flew by my passenger window in the air and disappeared into the ravine below some distance behind me. It was a sight and I deduced that a semi must have hit it while it tried to leap across the road only to find it's own disdain for humans and I wondered what it's last thoughts were of. Lobo cried out that we must have passed Massachusetts because reindeer were only up in the North Pole! I forgot in that one instant why we were there and where we were headed as I saw a horrific event in the eyes of my child as she saw it pure. It was exciting to see it according to her and even now I can't help but think of the Gary Larson cartoons of such rare funny occurrences in life and felt we had come across something binding and sweet. Death is rarely referred to as such but in this situation it was comical and awakening and even the glue that would eventually bring me back to him even if only for a little while longer before the end was finite. I couldn't wait to tell my mother and Lobo's godmother Lori about the poor deer and when I had they just didn't see the cosmic kick in the ass that I had. I will admit they found Lobo's take much more amusing and chastised her for "enjoying" the horrific sight now that she knew it wasn't a famous one on its take-off.

Life is funny and weird and tough and mean and cruel and sweet and exciting and sad and confusing and bittersweet all rolled into one neat package. We never know why or where or when life will be taken or what it will lead us to. That day a man or woman was pretty shook up behind the wheel of their vehicle but I bet quite glad it hadn't damaged them or the equipment. The deer had its life cycle ended and fed some hungry winter vagrants who didn't plan ahead and a mother and a child got a sight for sore and tired eyes to make them believe in second chances and faeries and folklore once again. One moment of disdain was a cherished memory for an ever and it wouldn't have been had not one gone the distance greater in her own disdain!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Better Late?

science and technology are only as good as the people who screw them up! I cannot do more than idly put up with the inferior tools given to me than you can with yours. So blogging I go in the middle of dayside hours to make up for the site being down during the nightsider hours I live! Now, you all must know what you mean to me by now...

I try and I try and I try but no matter how much I want a routine there just seems no feasible way to attain one at this part of my life. I used to be more punctual than an actuary and just as timely as the grim reaper himself and now I rush and rush and am disorganized as hell, but at least I still have a good mental catalog of what I miss and do try to get back on track. Here I sit, finally, typing away some twelve hours in the future what my thoughts were the night before only now they aren't the same. I figured if the site could go on a fritz then so could I and I am prone to do just that even if it means biting the hand that feeds me. Like seriously! Do you guys that do the tech work really think so low of us that you would leave things disabled just to fuck with us and show us who's boss?? I am boss in these parts and am tired of one thing after another fucking up in my not so perfect world where the only perfect element is my total dislike and loathing of the human stain that exists in our world!

Before you jump to the gun I make no claims to be a "techy" or internet genius. I am however capable of telling what's wrong and usually I'm pretty accurate as to whether it was a slight error or tech failure or whether it was operator error or just a plain shitty case of the asshole running the show disabling shit to just get their kicks! In this issue it was the latter, a shitty case as I could type in the damn title and label fields and even post an empty blog but no meat. Like having a sandwich and having the supplies but every time you try to put the ham or turkey in between the slices of bread the bread throws the meat out or just won't pry apart and allow you to put the meat in! I could even post the damn thing empty...with the title and the labels if I so choose. I even ventured in blogdom forums and help desks to find that there were no "reported" mass issues within its realm and had to look carefully for a way to contact the blog police to investigate the scene of the crime! Alas, I am home and the blog seems to be working and the best explanation I can come up with is it's like a Department of Transportation and Civil Engineering employee in New York City who was assessing a blown pipe under 5th Avenue during rush hour, only they didn't put up a barricade and the ground was dug up and the car went into the mess and had to fish itself out while watching overweight middle-aged city workers sucking on a milkshakes and pointing and laughing! It is useless and reckless and an overall pain in my ass and everyone elses! So I say to you in the hopes that Big Brother is watching intently....the next time you decide to dig up on my side of the fucking street make damn sure you put up a sign and drop me a fucking email so I know to go out my back door and jump the fence and get a cab! Thank you for your consideration in this matter, sincerely yours, MOBE!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves!

Basic Principles to Get By: hurt none, but take no prisoner!

there are those moments in one's life when they wish they could take back what they said or done. They want to say goodbye but only after things are ok. In my life this is never so as I say and do as I please and I hold nothing back. I am lewd and crude and don't mind admitting it one bit, so long as everyone is on the same page! This is for a "sister" of mine and anyone else out there in the human spectrum of things that can relate...

It is ok to have enough! Why do some people keep pushing the buttons of disdain long after the audience has left the building? It doesn't make an individual a "bad guy" because they just are sick and damn tired of explaining time and again why they have needs and why they feel infringed upon. Don't ever think anger and hostility are for the weak! It is only the weak who misuse it to get what they want rather than feeling it at appropriate times and accordingly to whatever situation has their attention and ire. It is ok to walk away and equally ok to walk back when being chased after and beat some sense into the person who is attacking you whether verbally or physically as deem fitting the issues. I feel for the brothers and sisters out there that are victimized by the rules of mankind's social expectations. You are born with free will no matter which god or gods you live by and that free will does not enslave you to take the shit doled out to you on a daily basis with a glass of steaming hot urine to wash it down with!

I have been somewhat of a victim of stalkers who couldn't let go and aggressors who just wanted someone to blame for their own misplaced disdain. What I didn't buy into was the concept that I couldn't defend myself or stand tall and demand change of situation and demand my right to be free of harassment. I chose to fight back and if with fists so be it. My worst stalker was my child's own father but there have been others through the decades, even family. I educated myself and gave myself the skills necessary to empower me to protect me and mine. "Let no one put asunder" means that not one soul has the right to interfere....it wasn't just intended for marriage ceremonial purposes and is a parable in Christian text but also has other worded cousins in most religious proverbs. If you are being choked then reach up and unclench the hands that choke you. If you are being beaten fight back, if you are being cornered kick the fucker in the balls or the hole and scram! No one has a right to order you and cripple you whether mentally or physically and never in the name of love. Usually it's the ones who scream they love you that fuck you over the most. I don't say those words too damn easily nor do I take them for granted. I show my kid love everyday in the care and empathy I display and the time spent in service to her. But I DO it of my own choice, not because I am told I have to!

The first sign of abuse is not the first slap! It is the first pivotal moment you realize that you are avoiding this person for whatever reason. Abuse is more than physical, it is mental and financial and familial and social and environmental and even political and medical and neglect. There are so many ways a child abuses a parent and a man hurts a woman and a sister attacks her sister. It comes to all people and is not prejudiced in its choice of people to infect or to maim. You need not suffer or cry anymore for the value in you is never the value assessed by another but by yourself and your beliefs. If you have been true to you then, you are what you want to be and if not, then you have the option to remain as you are or make changes. In no uncertain terms does another have a right to assess you and force a change in you you aren't willing to make, for even in your flaws you are uniquely perfect! Go and be happy and if that means to erase those that make you unhappy so be it! Family, friends, lovers, bosses and employees! All can be erased and the only allegiance made is to yourself and to the children you ARE raising(you even have a right to cast out a RAISED child who seems to be an offense to you as they will walk their own path, and it is not wrong to choose not to walk alongside them with their choices if what that is causes you harm either physically or supposed)and no other! Be at peace, seize back your will, be content with who you are, and love despite how shitty the world smells and with all your heart. If you fall once then get up once and if ye fall 1000 times then get up 1000 times for it is said that to stay down is to harass yourself-to assassinate yourself and to judge, sentence and defeat yourself! learn to live, live to love and love to learn and do unto other as would like for you but don't lie down like a kicked dog and let them take another shot!~mobe's pissed and loving her all and all to her loves

My Brother the Stud

snickers were heard everywhere by everyone. No one dared laugh out loud and all eyes were burning a hole into her back. Life is like that on a different magnitude at times and surely for all the bumps and bruises and disgruntled attitudes some people have, I'm sure all of us can appreciate it and also recall when it was their turn to be in the spotlight.

It isn't hard to imagine as most of us remember an unsettling school incident or some faux pas created in public. I have always admired how some people were just better able to deal with it than most and then the very few who could turn those moments to gold. My brother is just such a person and is even proud of the fact. The running silent joke is how good he is at "charming your granny outta her underwear" because as a salesman goes, there is none better. I just wish he could get back to those days. I spent the evening with him tonight and his girlfriend and had a pretty good time. Only he never paid heed to the numerous old ladies that were ogling him and wishing they had wore their teeth to bingo tonight. He was completely aloof to it or deliberately paid no heed, but I think the former rather than the latter. It was his first time at bingo...somehow my mother's parents missed his "teaching" as they had dragged all of us girls at one time or another to a bingo hall. It was easier when I and my older sister were younger as kids, we could go and people could smoke in them. Now you have to be eighteen. He never got dragged so me and his twin brought him at his request...he wanted to spend time with me but was willing to put bygones aside between him and his placental mate(they fight like cats and dogs!)to do it.

All was good and he was freaked out at how stressful it can get and how much there is to do. When I was a kid it was all hard cards and paper specials and the "bingoaholics" all had their bags and dabbers and magnetic wands to pick up the metal rimmed markers. Only now it's an all paper affair and they still have the bingo bags and some even have special "cushies" for their "tushies" with bingo print of numbers and cards and dabbers on the fabric and matching t-shirts and bingo bags-gone are the big clear plastic purses of the seventies and the polyester outfits! These retirees take this seriously and I am good with numbers and such but it amazes me to see how these Alzheimer's ridden or "sometimers" ridden lasses and blokes can do what they do with a table full of cards! I keep track of fifteen at most, but some women and men have up to forty cards and never miss a number! It's incredulous! I didn't know what to do and was wary about him playing as much as I as his eyes are not as good and I can say he did me proud as he caught on about half way through. Part of me feels guilty because he liked it so much and money is tight for him and for me and I know in a week or so the bingo-bug will bite him too...we come from a gambling lot and at least it isn't the horses or dogs like our grandparents used to be hooked on. Hell, our state was one of the first to have a "lotto" and on tv no less! All night log he and I were neck and neck and it was sweet to see him and his sis get along for once. Who knew it would take a gambling venture to calm the two of them!

I can't wait to go again without him so I can get all the juicy gossip I missed while training the "virgin" and I am sure there will be plenty about the big sexy nurse in his scrubs with his girlfriend! Each break he would go outside with Jamie and come back in and never once paid heed to the number of ladies who would watch him like a hawk. He loomed over all of them, and even in his old age(I kid)they still think he's a stud! Keely worships him as any partner should and even she didn't notice the sea of blue-hairs with their tongues hanging out! I guess it's only a matter of time before one or two of them drop a dabber or a marker or a figurine of special significance to get him to bend his scrawny ass over so they can get a look at his crack! In the words of my daughter "EWWWWWWW-Old people lust!" lol...He will be sweet and pick it up and get to know them like grandmas and hug the friendly ones we know and make the last few days of theirs for this world a little brighter, and I will get to laugh and giggle and get more ammunition for the holiday banter out of his grope fest with the elderly!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves

No Oomph!

the day has been misty and sad. I tried to get along and to get going and get up but it would seem my will power has traded me in.

No matter how much I try and how well I seem to think my mentality is, I never can get or find the ambition that I once had. I have been looking at life from the position of my daughter and realize I have given her my jaded take on things. She lacks the will power to succeed and to "do" things because she has witnessed me giving up and not succeeding when I haven't thrown in the towel. What has she to look forward to? I don't think I was playing the full deck when I wanted to have a child so bad...I should've known then as it hasn't just come about that I have the worst luck and track record. In lacking the ambition to want to fail again I have given her the perfect excuse to do nothing and that is the real shame in all of this. She is so fucking smart and refuses to do anything with it. Tonight I will peek at her sleeping and close this entry short due to lack of patience and drive and bid all adieus...gnyt loves~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves

Now I Lay Me Down From Preach...

we teach our children the things that matter to us. Some want to teach their young respect. Some will pass on loyalty and faithfulness and others will push the word of the good book. I prefer to teach understanding and tolerance and self awareness. I want the children of this world who's lives I have touched to remember that they don't own this place and that it is theirs on loan and they need to leave as little a footprint in as righteous a way possible. I'm afraid not all share this sentiment and we do tend to get caught up in the one thing that irks us.

I have so many things that irk me that it makes me an effective parental unit and teacher. I feel in order to leave as little devastation to this place and its inhabitants as possible it is important to teach not one or two of these but all of them. When a child is lied to it learns to lie and later to be disrespectful of himself or others that matter dearly to him as well as those that are unknown. When a child witnesses its guardians fighting and screaming at one another it will perpetuate the cycle despite how much we may tell them it isn't right. Effective teachers aren't the ones who don't err, they are the ones who make mistakes and learn from them and do not repeat them or wait for some other fellow to come along and fix it for them. I have been married three times to wonderful children who are a product of the environment and system and values they were taught. Each was a good boy who made mistakes but I soon found all were to keep continuing the same mistakes over and over again and always look for the open door or window to fly out of and leave the coop with his mess intact for the next occupant to fix. I'm not long for this world and have come to realize despite what other's may feel that my inability to sustain a healthy relationship stems from, my own core values on what I hold dear and how I will not trade them for all the tea in China, peanuts in Alabama or lobsters in Boston's waters are what seems to get in the way. I err. I err a lot! But I rarely err in repetition. In actuality I seem to have an uncanny knack of finding the most ubiquitous errs known to mankind to delve into and the only err I make is in trusting too easily. Time and time again humanity has lead me down a path of dark corners and dungeons in the mist and I follow happily like a plump little ball of hope only to find before long that somethings just don't measure up. I chastise myself and consider myself flawed for not noticing earlier and even punish myself into fixing things as if I really could make a difference and the things that needed fixing would change. Talk about a pipe dream!

I have many children in my life in some form or other and already can tell the caliber of individuals they will turn out to be. It's a sad state we live in I'm afraid as most of them don't get the big picture because mommy and daddy were quite ok with them watching horror flicks but considered the truths of mankind too wrong to speak of. Babies growing up to have babies and kids having such little regard for life that they carry guns. The terrible twos never came to my Lobo. Nor did the threatening threes or the formidable fours...Lobo hasn't changed much at all. She is still the self aware and erroneous little heathen I gave birth to, only she has her innocence lost in this world because I chose not to raise her in a den of lies. Many adults that I have come in contact with do not like this fact nor the fact that I let her speak her mind. They are even appalled that she does so willingly and that I don't begrudge her her voice. I will correct her in her misguided efforts but I never silence her. She was born with a voice and a choice and though she may not always make the choices I would have, she also didn't have the negative motivation I did to do so! My disdain for humans is not hers and I do not allow her to use my lack of happiness to justify her own. I let her have hers both good and bad. I praise her for her efforts and even kid to her when she chooses bad for it is her choice to live with. I dust her ass off and pick her up when she falls and even kick her in the seat of her pants a time or two but never, ever have I took her choice away. She is faithful and loyal and truthful(albeit not always right away)and respectful and dedicated in all she does. I go to bed tonight amongst a flock of babes and one tonight has my respect and admiration for the young woman she is becoming. Strong-willed and head strong if not always right, she sleeps quietly and still, as the angel she is to me. And so I rest knowing that yes, I was a better parent than my own, a better teacher than yours and a better example than almost all of you in that I won't "hypocritize" her lessons to secretly fulfill a wish of mine that I wouldn't wish for her. I relish her first fist fight and her first kiss and her first real-life consequence that stems from her own adulthood choices. ~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.