a half day past and I sit here wondering what I am supposed to do with the rest of my days. It was an unhappy celebration and full of sadness from the past and hopelessness for the future in spite of the well wishes of friends afar...
I am grateful for the kind words. Really. The attempts of my loved ones (daughter, boyfriend, best friend) lifted my heart but even their loving might has its limits. I still have "work" to do and things that need to be righted. I still have a choice to make and climbing into a glass of the finest French brandy will not make "life" disappear.
Today I am sitting in a room full of cats and watching a movie about a young lass who is set on defying her mother and the path that is laid out before her. My life has been one of defiance. I defied the words and the actions and the wishes of every turn until I was so used to being rebellious that I defied my own wants. Now I have no clue what road I am on and what to do with this shell of flesh and what I have left to contribute. My lips and throat still yearn for that glass of brandy but my mind knows better. I will yield but not before dusk.
For now I will wait and think and tire my head out until the answers seep through the fog and enlighten me. For now I will just be mobe, nothing more; nothing less....~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Of Chalkboards and Killing Fields
such senseless madness taking me back to a time when Lobo had just started school...the panic I had when the towers fell in NYC and how lost I was getting inundated with phone calls from all her friends' parents, as I was the only stay-at-home mom at the time. The fear that gripped...
...mobe's heart is weary as there really is no sense to be made of mindless killing of youths. These weren't just youths that had grown to almost adulthood and become a menace to their community with their self-indignant ideals and entitlements. These were babes. Some as young as five and some not even old enough to have experienced their first trite act of disobedience and rebellion. This hurts us.
...it hurts us as a community, as a country, and for the most part the politicking hounds on both sides have already tried to utilize this tragedy as a means to promote their views on gun ownership. I want to tell those asshats that today ISN'T the day to listen to this...there are pros and cons to both sides.
Today 27+ families were robbed of a happy Christmas. If the poverty and financial mess in this country could have given them one. I lost a grandfather on December 23th some almost 20 yrs ago and it never goes away. When the holidays roll around I still feel that sting. Seeing the President choke up and well up made me feel good. I know he has had loss and pain and that he is mortal in his coil and that he is compassionate. Yes, I was beginning to wonder at times because this man has the weight of the world on his shoulders. He is the first black president and comes from a mixed religious/bi-racial background that our forefathers would have been proud of considering most of them fled their homelands due to religious disagreements in their territories.
Maybe we can use this day and this time to reflect on what we have to be thankful for. Why must we only be thankful one day a year? My stomach is sour with my own worries and troubles and those of people I care a great deal about. And now, my heart goes out to strangers over a thousand miles away and healing prayers sent to them in that they make it through this tragedy and come out the lighted side in their lives. I envy their capability to step into the sun and I silently rejoice and watch from my metaphorical alcove as they do...love one another. Protect one another and give what you have because "our gods are not unjust, it is man who is unjust..." (Les Miserables...V. Hugo.)~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves
Thursday, November 22, 2012
A Lesson in Humanity from the Rest of the Beasts of the Wood~
A Lesson in Humanity from the Rest of the Beasts of the Wood~
as raw as nerves get, they can always use a little salt. Today, in America, most all gather around to give thanks. They are an ironic people. No matter where you descended from, you cannot deny that our country was founded at a great cost to other nations and peoples.
We, like the surrey little insolent children we are, fled our homelands (for those of us of European descent) to be able to govern our own lives. Putting ourselves first above all others. We were anarchists and rebels and selfish and juvenile. We believed that we were righteous. But the land to which we fled wasn't ours to take. Such is life around the world and how we all continue to make the same mistakes (looking on what is going down in Israel and the Gaza strip as well as the Slavic regions and other middle eastern lands).
In this country there were Vikings to the north (Canada) and they interbred with the natives. To our south were Spanish emigrants and their half Spaniard/half native offspring and here in the States the two blended races blended across the purple mountains majesty as well as the fruited plains. In a country where approximately 17% of the populace holds over 80% of all wealth and holdings, it is difficult to find something to be thankful about. People are starving, here, at home. People are cold who have been without power for weeks through disasters (no NOT just NY/NJ) and people who will sleep in the streets tonight in the larger metropolises after receiving a free meal provided by a local shelter or ministry who themselves can barely afford to eat.
We spend so much time telling other peoples how to live. Russians, Serbians, Syrians, Muslims, Orientals, Africans, Natives... that we are barely living or taking care of our own families and peoples. Why am I telling you this? Because it is my job. Not to make guilt where there is none; to make awareness where there should be...
I AM THANKFUL...for the few family members who do, in a time of crisis, come to the aide of one another when needed. Fight and holler and bicker we must but when someone is really down, they manage to hold a cease fire long enough to feed, clothe and help with transportation issues (thank you dad) that arise. Then it's back to bickering and fighting...I am thankful for the wonderful friends and fans I have met and made here in this forum as well as others, for my loving pets who adore me unconditionally and my teenager who conditionally loves me now but is growing up to be a fine young lady, even if a bit unorthodox like her momma. I am proud of what I am and thankful to the young man who's story led me to my answers and to the people I come from. No not the immediate generations but the ancestry that begat such wonderful creatures. My two closest "chosen" sisters Julie and Lori-lee and their unending love for me and my kid. I am thankful for another sunset where I can walk with my own two legs. I am thankful for the men and women throughout time who have given their lives so that I may have the freedom to be disdainful and realistic in this plastic-Barbie world of make-believe. I am thankful to the countless men and women who still fight or have served, even if I don't share the ideal of the necessity of war. I am thankful that my friends are safe, my car runs and the new man in my life you are all sick of hearing about (but my family just heard about! *giggles) these last five months.
...I am thankful to literacy and books whether paper or binary and to the people whose words are timeless as I hope my own will be someday. I believe in chaos and all the other mischievous gods that govern and the right to believe in what you need to, to get by, so long as your beliefs do not harm another. I won't make you worship my gods if you don't make me worship yours. I am thankful to words and language. I wish more people took an interest in it or at least in their own. Yes, I am thankful all my naughty parts work, superbly and to "him" again for teaching me to never give up hope and to not lower my standards because all the "dollies" on the shelf are defective. I found one that isn't, or at least isn't for what I need...I am so thankful for all the close personal friends who I may never get to meet but I consider an integral part of my world/life. There are many I call brother and sister. Not as close as the 3 or 4 but closer than some of my own family.
Take the time to be thankful for those who are in YOUR lives and those who MADE your life possible through sacrifice of their own. Native Americans, Black/Brown/Red/Yellow/Blue/White/Pink/Green/Orange (nod to Jersey Shore*giggles)/Grey Americans, the Oriental people who laid the railroads a century ago that carry your goods to you, The Asian convenience store guy who keeps your particular brand of goods you like. The waitress who fills your cup and the housekeeper who cleans your room at the hotel you stay in on vacation. Today is about people. All the people who touched your life. Even the ones you don't like. And the loud-mouthed idiots like me and radio jocks and comedians who are here (some of us for free) to inspire you with lateral thought as opposed to the narrow vertical type. Be patient with one another. Forgive one another but protect yourselves. (<--this means you can forgive a person and still dislike them and keeping and respecting a distance and their right to live just as you have that right!)...it's funny that this message of humanity should be brought to you by the least humane beast on 2 feet. Enjoy what you got and share what you have and be merry this holiday season~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves...
Saturday, September 1, 2012
A Selfish Lot!
it's hard to do the right thing all the time when the rest of the world is doing the wrong thing. It's hard and most difficult in selfish times. People do for themselves and rightfully so, but it is preached to do for others...only no one wants to unless there is a reward, whether monetarily or emotionally. We all seek rewards in life."Look I did this awesome..yadda yadda" and then seek approval and what not from the onlooker. I call this the "self-superhero" complex. We all think of ourselves as something grander than we actually are.
I like talking about how people interact. I enjoy the dissection of the mind. I don't much relish the oblivion that it sweeps the soul into and the pain and torment that one finds there. It is traumatizing and some are crippled by even less than others.
If John does for his brother and neighbor and those two people do for their brothers and neighbors and so on....then we have created a love chain and an educational example of the ideal that everyone so says they would like to have. Let one person break that chain and all hell breaks loose. The following person sees the other one got a reward and didn't put in the work and before long it starts unraveling. This is where we are at now. And how do we gather up all the loose threads and start knitting what was once referred to as "communities" again?
People living in computers and cars and cell phones and video games and such. Too lazy to even interact and sit for a spell to have a conversation face to face with their own people. Parents locked indoors texting their kids for supper and screening the bill collector's who want to come for all the stuff they haven't paid for outright. No sense of family anymore. My own included. My daughter sits in her room in her shell and on her laptop and texts me and her friends. I'm in the next room! I have to "punish" her into spending time with me and force her against her will. I loved to just sit and watch my parents and grandparents play cards together. I would even quietly walk around and watch several "hands" from each player to learn the games myself. Now it's all gone, no one plays cards anymore unless it is for money or drinks. No children sit and observe their parents. The only examples we give our kids is to be selfish and needy and to take.
Now I want the world to take itself back. I want to see it purge itself of all the filth and greed that has been killing her for centuries. I want to taste real food again and to sew my clothes and muck out a chicken coop. I want a hard working man who will see me covered in sweat and dust from beating a rug outdoors (I used to actually do this for my parents when I was little) and find me the most attractive thing and drag me by my hand into our bedroom and make love to me, dirty. Instead we have men who iron their t-shirts and fuss over their clothes like debutantes readying for a ball. There should be women who respect themselves and take the nurturing role seriously. Instead we have absent mothers or worse those who would progenocide or pass their children off on the next. I want the earth to break open and swallow these creatures and to leave a chosen few to start over. With the knowledge of our mistakes and the knowledge of technology and its downside the few will carve out a small ripple and be able to contain it and live in harmony with the rest of the creatures, even my kind perhaps.
And what of the things that were built for many? Who gets to claim them? Money? Treasure? You should be treasuring food and life and laughter, not gold and diamonds and television. Claim your lives back and embrace them. It is fleeting. At best it is short and why would you want to spend it fussing over the ironing and what some bloke or lass with half a brain thinks of you? Be thankful for what you do have and where it comes from. Our president told you all that nothing you own, was obtained on your own accord. He thinks the government gave or had a healthy (or unhealthy) hand in you obtaining it. And he is right. But what he doesn't know is that you can claim ownership of some things. The love given freely to you with no strings attached and the love you send out in kind. I miss that kind of love. And I've grown weary from sending all I have out. I want some back. I would be a liar if I said I wasn't just as selfish as my neighbor. But what I want costs nothing. I don't ask for it really. And this world keeps telling me I don't deserve it.
Take all the love you can get and leave a small trace that you were here. Trust that the generations to follow will be intelligent enough to recognize what you've done or undone. Give of yourself. Freely. Pick up the trash in your yard and your neighbors. Give yourself a night off to let things "go" and be you. Fuck like you have no tomorrow and that you just stepped out of a tub of roses despite the disheveled hair and dirty faces. Eat like the taste is honey and wine and fruit of the gods. Sing as if you were the most prized mockingbird. Cry for the little ones who won't get a chance to see a tomorrow, the old ones whose time has come and the ones you never got the chance to meet. In time, your threads will intertwine with all of them...trust me~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
I like talking about how people interact. I enjoy the dissection of the mind. I don't much relish the oblivion that it sweeps the soul into and the pain and torment that one finds there. It is traumatizing and some are crippled by even less than others.
If John does for his brother and neighbor and those two people do for their brothers and neighbors and so on....then we have created a love chain and an educational example of the ideal that everyone so says they would like to have. Let one person break that chain and all hell breaks loose. The following person sees the other one got a reward and didn't put in the work and before long it starts unraveling. This is where we are at now. And how do we gather up all the loose threads and start knitting what was once referred to as "communities" again?
People living in computers and cars and cell phones and video games and such. Too lazy to even interact and sit for a spell to have a conversation face to face with their own people. Parents locked indoors texting their kids for supper and screening the bill collector's who want to come for all the stuff they haven't paid for outright. No sense of family anymore. My own included. My daughter sits in her room in her shell and on her laptop and texts me and her friends. I'm in the next room! I have to "punish" her into spending time with me and force her against her will. I loved to just sit and watch my parents and grandparents play cards together. I would even quietly walk around and watch several "hands" from each player to learn the games myself. Now it's all gone, no one plays cards anymore unless it is for money or drinks. No children sit and observe their parents. The only examples we give our kids is to be selfish and needy and to take.
Now I want the world to take itself back. I want to see it purge itself of all the filth and greed that has been killing her for centuries. I want to taste real food again and to sew my clothes and muck out a chicken coop. I want a hard working man who will see me covered in sweat and dust from beating a rug outdoors (I used to actually do this for my parents when I was little) and find me the most attractive thing and drag me by my hand into our bedroom and make love to me, dirty. Instead we have men who iron their t-shirts and fuss over their clothes like debutantes readying for a ball. There should be women who respect themselves and take the nurturing role seriously. Instead we have absent mothers or worse those who would progenocide or pass their children off on the next. I want the earth to break open and swallow these creatures and to leave a chosen few to start over. With the knowledge of our mistakes and the knowledge of technology and its downside the few will carve out a small ripple and be able to contain it and live in harmony with the rest of the creatures, even my kind perhaps.
And what of the things that were built for many? Who gets to claim them? Money? Treasure? You should be treasuring food and life and laughter, not gold and diamonds and television. Claim your lives back and embrace them. It is fleeting. At best it is short and why would you want to spend it fussing over the ironing and what some bloke or lass with half a brain thinks of you? Be thankful for what you do have and where it comes from. Our president told you all that nothing you own, was obtained on your own accord. He thinks the government gave or had a healthy (or unhealthy) hand in you obtaining it. And he is right. But what he doesn't know is that you can claim ownership of some things. The love given freely to you with no strings attached and the love you send out in kind. I miss that kind of love. And I've grown weary from sending all I have out. I want some back. I would be a liar if I said I wasn't just as selfish as my neighbor. But what I want costs nothing. I don't ask for it really. And this world keeps telling me I don't deserve it.
Take all the love you can get and leave a small trace that you were here. Trust that the generations to follow will be intelligent enough to recognize what you've done or undone. Give of yourself. Freely. Pick up the trash in your yard and your neighbors. Give yourself a night off to let things "go" and be you. Fuck like you have no tomorrow and that you just stepped out of a tub of roses despite the disheveled hair and dirty faces. Eat like the taste is honey and wine and fruit of the gods. Sing as if you were the most prized mockingbird. Cry for the little ones who won't get a chance to see a tomorrow, the old ones whose time has come and the ones you never got the chance to meet. In time, your threads will intertwine with all of them...trust me~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Online Job Searches
I am surely NOT liking this applying for jobs bit online! I miss the days of car hopping and picking up a dozen or so applications and scribing through the bitches and taking the next day to dress up nicely and drop them off while demanding an audience with the manager or HR for an interview. It shows my eagerness and willingness to go the extra mile and "grab ahold of life by the horns!"
Now it is all so impersonal and pretty much anyone can get away with any perjury known to mankind and who would be the wiser? I have seen employees and management who have been hired above me in certain fields that made me shake my head and wonder how in the fuck did they get their post when clearly by eggs in my ovaries have more job experience in dealing with the public! At to that the bane of technology...
I have been working a resume and tweaking versions of it for the purpose of uploading directly to company sites requiring or asking for them. But then I get to the site and they are all stuck in the dark ages insisting on Internet Explorer 7 or 8 and such. Most people dumped that "epic fail" shit eons ago and most of these prospective employers haven't figured it out. They want you to take an online "stupids" test and they haven't figured out it is 2012, not 1992! Sure, "So and so" I will happily dump my 2012 Chrome/Firefox/Mozilla/etc for some 15-20yr old version of what internet USED TO BE in order to apply for a job in your "fast-paced" and "with the times" organization that probably is still driving a Gremlin that hasn't been in production since 1978!...needless to say, I am having a fucking blast feeling like an internet GOD among blooming idiots and yet I can't photoshop the disdain off my face! Grrrr....~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves...
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Status of the Mobiverse
it sucks to get old. It sucks a big bucket of greasy friend chicken to get old. To have a mind that runs on full throttle but a body that is threatening mutiny at any turn...it's unfair. Life is unfair. Life is old. I am old.
Crying isn't going to bring back what was lost. All those years choosing between one evil over another in the hopes to live or survive some way and some how. I lost a lot of me. I evolved into a monster in the span of seconds and never really knew my past. It was a fairytale and not a very good one at that unless you consider decades of drunken, abusive, adulterous, Catholic, neglectful, selfish, gambling, incestuous pricks a fairytale of sorts. My age is increasing at an alarming rate as I am sure few of you have been thinking the same thing as well. I am reminiscing of my grandparents and parents and the hard attitude I silently had toward them. (yes, silently because kids knew their place back then and had the fear of the gods put in them) I loathed their whining and thought they were stupid and ignorant at times. I out grew them, and now, Laurel is out growing me.
I am a burden to her and I see that reflected in her eyes. She once read my blogs and poems and sat eagerly to hear my fantastic and true stories of my colorful past. Now she resigns herself to her room to be emotional and sad and counting the days on the wall until she is free from her supposed metaphorical prison and I am left to my own hell and recognisances and the insanity of my mind. I guess this is the stuff a mid-life crisis is made of, when you realize you no longer truly contribute anything in this world and you're not there yet for the rocking chair and your kids loathe the sight of you except when they want something, of course. Work is something I am not allowed and now spend most of my days either in a mood of sorts or a cerebral prison trying to work my way out just like my kid trying to work hers out. It crosses my mind that things didn't turn out the way I had wanted for her and that because of my poor reaction to our issues she sees no other avenue then to bail along with my health. Pretty soon I will be living in my car thankful I held on to that bottle of trazodone. Let me tell you how I wanted things to be at this point...
There would have been a job either in upper management or self employment and I would own a decent home by now and have a pretty set schedule like most of corporate America. I wouldn't be a boater but I would go on trips on the weekend I allowed myself off each month or save up for a big one every now and then. My kid would be healthy and happy and come and go and have her friends and respect for me and herself. She would be active in the community we live in and would be home most every evening for supper with me. I would be fit but not thin (that's a pipe-dream in any realm I think) and would be charitable at every opportunity. I never contemplated what type of mate or partner I would have, only that I had one. The life would be good and my home would be humble but clean and pretty and for once, someone in my family would "blend-in" and stay in one place longer than the three year average or less that I grew up with. We would have roots and once a month Laurel and I would visit my father and his wife (the step-monster) and come home together to watch a movie or play a game. >poof<
...things don't work out as we planned and without the proper skills given it was to be expected no matter how smart and individual is, if they don't believe in themselves enough in the right way they won't make it off the front porch. I have trust issues and so followed the gypsy lifestyle set before me wandering from one bad place to another and from one bad relationship to another. Now I am too old to wander and pack and move and incapable of remaining where I am for very long. I have brought this upon myself and the age is taking its toll as the mind punishes me far more severe than the fates ever could. Any hope I have for romance and normalcy slips away in time with each passing hour and pretty soon that car and bottle will look so pleasing that I won't care for naught else...but...
I don't want to take this laying down. I want to keep going and to find someone and to build a home and to show my daughter life isn't just the hell I have doomed myself to with the help of family and poor choices. I want her to not see just the sad example that I have become. I want her to see sometimes someone good wins or perseveres. She deserves a swat now and then but she also deserves a better example for life than I have set. Even better than her dad has set as neither of us are happy folks and both in similar situations, facing our "end" separate but together and for different reasons. I am no saint and neither is he but we live on two different fulcrums of that lever. Whereas I look at my global fingerprint daily and how I affect others he could care less. And the truth is we are more alike than either would admit to the other. We both despise people by the droves, both are learned individuals, both are stubborn, at one time both were good looking people, both are charismatic. But from there we part. We share "ownership" of our daughter in a very unequal split (95-5) with me being the lion share's owner. He will tell you the same but then he will also tell you he brought me to Florida though I hadn't met him yet when my family moved down here. Alcohol kills brain cells and he seems to have lost many of those along the way...
So I am old. All my friends live in states I can't get to. I own 6 cats, have 4 boarders and am in debt up to my eyeballs and thinking on going back to school. Welfare takes that into consideration for Medicaid and the food assistance programs giving you a big kick in the ass for doing so. I can't let my kid get a job because her income is classified as mine and I have to pay the taxes on it as well, further garnishing an already doomed household financial portfolio. The government will take away any assistance I have applied for if I get a grant for school thus preventing me from school. Doctors will not clear me to work jeopardizing my ability to obtain a job even under handi-capped status. And tonight I just want to crawl in my bed into a little fetal ball and sob until I am so dehydrated that there's nothing but a leathery, bony shell leftover for them to cremate and give to my family in a cardboard box. There's not much left to say at this point as my world crumbles down all around me, but tomorrow I will wake, get up and try to keep moving forward until there is no move left.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves, wherever they be.
Crying isn't going to bring back what was lost. All those years choosing between one evil over another in the hopes to live or survive some way and some how. I lost a lot of me. I evolved into a monster in the span of seconds and never really knew my past. It was a fairytale and not a very good one at that unless you consider decades of drunken, abusive, adulterous, Catholic, neglectful, selfish, gambling, incestuous pricks a fairytale of sorts. My age is increasing at an alarming rate as I am sure few of you have been thinking the same thing as well. I am reminiscing of my grandparents and parents and the hard attitude I silently had toward them. (yes, silently because kids knew their place back then and had the fear of the gods put in them) I loathed their whining and thought they were stupid and ignorant at times. I out grew them, and now, Laurel is out growing me.
I am a burden to her and I see that reflected in her eyes. She once read my blogs and poems and sat eagerly to hear my fantastic and true stories of my colorful past. Now she resigns herself to her room to be emotional and sad and counting the days on the wall until she is free from her supposed metaphorical prison and I am left to my own hell and recognisances and the insanity of my mind. I guess this is the stuff a mid-life crisis is made of, when you realize you no longer truly contribute anything in this world and you're not there yet for the rocking chair and your kids loathe the sight of you except when they want something, of course. Work is something I am not allowed and now spend most of my days either in a mood of sorts or a cerebral prison trying to work my way out just like my kid trying to work hers out. It crosses my mind that things didn't turn out the way I had wanted for her and that because of my poor reaction to our issues she sees no other avenue then to bail along with my health. Pretty soon I will be living in my car thankful I held on to that bottle of trazodone. Let me tell you how I wanted things to be at this point...
There would have been a job either in upper management or self employment and I would own a decent home by now and have a pretty set schedule like most of corporate America. I wouldn't be a boater but I would go on trips on the weekend I allowed myself off each month or save up for a big one every now and then. My kid would be healthy and happy and come and go and have her friends and respect for me and herself. She would be active in the community we live in and would be home most every evening for supper with me. I would be fit but not thin (that's a pipe-dream in any realm I think) and would be charitable at every opportunity. I never contemplated what type of mate or partner I would have, only that I had one. The life would be good and my home would be humble but clean and pretty and for once, someone in my family would "blend-in" and stay in one place longer than the three year average or less that I grew up with. We would have roots and once a month Laurel and I would visit my father and his wife (the step-monster) and come home together to watch a movie or play a game. >poof<
...things don't work out as we planned and without the proper skills given it was to be expected no matter how smart and individual is, if they don't believe in themselves enough in the right way they won't make it off the front porch. I have trust issues and so followed the gypsy lifestyle set before me wandering from one bad place to another and from one bad relationship to another. Now I am too old to wander and pack and move and incapable of remaining where I am for very long. I have brought this upon myself and the age is taking its toll as the mind punishes me far more severe than the fates ever could. Any hope I have for romance and normalcy slips away in time with each passing hour and pretty soon that car and bottle will look so pleasing that I won't care for naught else...but...
I don't want to take this laying down. I want to keep going and to find someone and to build a home and to show my daughter life isn't just the hell I have doomed myself to with the help of family and poor choices. I want her to not see just the sad example that I have become. I want her to see sometimes someone good wins or perseveres. She deserves a swat now and then but she also deserves a better example for life than I have set. Even better than her dad has set as neither of us are happy folks and both in similar situations, facing our "end" separate but together and for different reasons. I am no saint and neither is he but we live on two different fulcrums of that lever. Whereas I look at my global fingerprint daily and how I affect others he could care less. And the truth is we are more alike than either would admit to the other. We both despise people by the droves, both are learned individuals, both are stubborn, at one time both were good looking people, both are charismatic. But from there we part. We share "ownership" of our daughter in a very unequal split (95-5) with me being the lion share's owner. He will tell you the same but then he will also tell you he brought me to Florida though I hadn't met him yet when my family moved down here. Alcohol kills brain cells and he seems to have lost many of those along the way...
So I am old. All my friends live in states I can't get to. I own 6 cats, have 4 boarders and am in debt up to my eyeballs and thinking on going back to school. Welfare takes that into consideration for Medicaid and the food assistance programs giving you a big kick in the ass for doing so. I can't let my kid get a job because her income is classified as mine and I have to pay the taxes on it as well, further garnishing an already doomed household financial portfolio. The government will take away any assistance I have applied for if I get a grant for school thus preventing me from school. Doctors will not clear me to work jeopardizing my ability to obtain a job even under handi-capped status. And tonight I just want to crawl in my bed into a little fetal ball and sob until I am so dehydrated that there's nothing but a leathery, bony shell leftover for them to cremate and give to my family in a cardboard box. There's not much left to say at this point as my world crumbles down all around me, but tomorrow I will wake, get up and try to keep moving forward until there is no move left.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves, wherever they be.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
A Matter of Progeny
there a things a woman has got to do. And you have taught me this and there is some fateful twisted universal blemish that has made you forget this. Now I will tell you...
Dear Ex-husband, Father of my child,
I am writing this to you in the hopes that you will see the words on the wall of disdain.
I know you think I am the world's worst wife and that I am a failure by you. I get that. But there are people who see me and respect me and know all that I have sacrificed to raise our daughter. I have fed her and clothed her and kissed her boo-boos and hugged her when there was no one else. You have paid your child support and even caught it up and that is a good thing. I worked my ass off to do long shifts to keep a roof over her head and pay the outstanding medical bills over the course of her lifetime that were BOTH our responsibility. We are doing our financial parts however inequal they are. I won't begrudge you her love.
You wanted me to know something long ago and I get it. I got it then. You even made sure that a magistrate informed me that you have rights and I have rights. He was clear, and you seem to have forgotten what those rights are. This is so needed at this time because I feel my life is being ripped from me again, through her by you. So, I am reminding you now what my rights are and the ones I know that are yours...
I am obligated to put food in her belly, a roof over her head, to teach her and guide her and keep her safe and from harm. I am supposed to provide faith and hope to her and give her something to look forward to in life. I am to make her available to you and to garner a relationship between the two of you free of my interference and my own biased attitude and assumptions where you are concerned.
You are obligated to do the same.
What goes on in your home is your business excepting where it inflicts harm or corrupts her or her daily activities as to be detrimental to her happiness and growth. The same is said for my home. <----this is the part you were so adamant about but yet feel you have the right to violate...
...what I don't get is how you seem to forget that you have NO right to dictate how I raise her. You are without faith, so I taught her mine and others by comparison. You are without responsibility, so I showed her a responsible person by example and assumed the lion's share of her duties. You are without her person in the flesh, because you chose an occupation that took you away from your spouse(s) and children so as to "free" yourself from the obligations of having to bathe, clean, feed, clothe, heal, etc...her needs. Others cared for her when you weren't there. Ninety percent of the time it was me, the other ten it was your significant others and their older children and extended family.
No one made you choose this life. But now you would tell me what life I choose and tell me whom I can see and be around or associate with and who I cannot? You convey to me your unhappiness and that you are alone because your third (I was the second, remember?) wife left you because she herself felt your controlling anger and neglect. (not unlike the second or first) You ate a tv dinner and watched The Godfather saga on Christmas when your child BEGGED you to come to our house (I didn't want but allowed and would have been polite and cordial) for a family get together, just the three of us.
She loves you still. And now she is a teenager and disrespectful, using terminology she sees you use towards service people like waitresses, phone jockeys, cashiers and the working class. She uses this terminology towards me when she doesn't get her own way and to others who refuse to cater to her every whim. Once a straight "A" student, her grades have fallen deplorably to mere "D's" and "F's" and she fails to consistently do the few chores and responsibilities that are hers. I do most everything else, broken bones and all and am told I am lazy and inferred that I am worthless because my wallet is not as deep as your's or your family's.
Now I will tell you something. I love her. Unconditionally and truthfully. I am not here to be her best friend and I did not decide to be a mom to have something to "love me" because I am loveless. I had her because I wanted family and I wanted to do something "right" with my life. She will know this when she is my age and has her own little heathen to contend with. I am not mad at her for being a product of her environment. I am disappointed that she chose to emulate the things that surround her that I taught her to steer clear from. And now...with the manipulation gene passed onto her from one of us or both of us, she uses you to cajole me into molding my house to be as accommodating to her as your's is. The only problem I have with that is this is NOT your house any longer. Stephen doesn't live here anymore and chooses not to really "live" anywhere.
I cannot give her the things you can. You live dangerously so you can "feel" what it is like to be alive. She doesn't need that. And I won't turn a blind eye to alcohol, drug, sexual abuse by her. She cannot come and go freely and is far too young to get a job. I was sixteen when I had a job...was eleven when I started working full time. She is sixteen now. but sixteen now is forty sexually and five mentally. What can she do with this responsibility but look for more trouble. She finds plenty without the aid outside of school. She is a sophomore in high school that once used to help cook her own meals and clean her room spotless and ask often to assist me in every way she can, when I was well and had the strength. Now I am ill and feeble and she feels I am holding her back and she refuses to even take care of herself unless she thinks there is the off chance a boy will be involved somehow and then later berates me and treats me like whooped dog because she is resentful I have to be present in my own home when her beau stops by. Why the young man treats me with more reverence and respect than she does. I question your motives and feel you only want me to allow this because it makes you appear more loving to her than I do. She mentions this a lot when she is unhappy with me. You, the father that NOT ONCE tried to pursue custody of her despite the means and capability to do so because it would interfere with your "busy" life of traipsing around the continental US sleeping with everyone and staying drunk in your off hours. What a glamorous life you lead!
All I can give her is my love. I can give her the few things I own, when I pass and the lessons I gave her and hope she will do something wonderful with them to better herself and this world. What have you taught her? What will you leave her with?
I want you to know that when I am gone she will have you. Legally, if she is under majority age, she will go to you. But there are countless others who have sworn to keep her safe and take care of her. It should ease your mind that you won't have to do it if even I am gone. It doesn't ease mine because you still parent from a place where you feel you have the right to "make your own mistakes" where she is concerned while I parent from there are NO mistakes and you only get ONE GO 'ROUND. If we fuck up, it is her that will pay. She is half of me and half of you and she inherits the detrimental halves of the both of us. Not every time she does something you don't like she's behaving like her mother and vice versa.
There is fear in my heart and head. It is heavy with grief tonight thinking of these things. I have worried every single day she spends with you and you have given me no course NOT to worry. Not once has she been bodily injured in my care, but in yours and the schools she has been harmed many times. I am weary and sad because I am losing the one thing I love in this world completely and you gain from that sadness. It truly breaks my heart. If she comes to you and wants to stay and there is no more breathe in my chest, keep her safe. I will be watching and I won't be alone...
You daughter's mother,
mobe
...there is nothing so strong as a parent's love and nothing so easily broken as a child born without it. But what is love? Is it is what we tangibly "get" for our children or the examples and things we do fro them to mold them into outstanding beings. Have you all equipped your little Miss(es) and Mister(s) with the tools they need to have loving relationships and rewarding lives? Did you give it your all with all you had? I know many that have and many that haven't and many, like myself who did but it was never enough because the "easy ticket" was much more intriguing and rewarding in the minds of children....May the gods keep her safe and ensure that she uses the tools I gave her wisely...this is my prayer every single nigh...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
*note: This is real in my life and yes, I am a woman (of sorts) and yes women AND men can be deadbeats or outstanding parents. In my case and perspective and hers, she is my only judge and she will decide long after I am gone if I had done a good job. When her child scrapes their knee or can't sleep at night, she will call upon her memory for what I have taught and not the drunken road trip she was took on when daddy smashed the mailbox after insisting she get in the car because he was too drunk to see and needed "her eyes"...
Dear Ex-husband, Father of my child,
I am writing this to you in the hopes that you will see the words on the wall of disdain.
I know you think I am the world's worst wife and that I am a failure by you. I get that. But there are people who see me and respect me and know all that I have sacrificed to raise our daughter. I have fed her and clothed her and kissed her boo-boos and hugged her when there was no one else. You have paid your child support and even caught it up and that is a good thing. I worked my ass off to do long shifts to keep a roof over her head and pay the outstanding medical bills over the course of her lifetime that were BOTH our responsibility. We are doing our financial parts however inequal they are. I won't begrudge you her love.
You wanted me to know something long ago and I get it. I got it then. You even made sure that a magistrate informed me that you have rights and I have rights. He was clear, and you seem to have forgotten what those rights are. This is so needed at this time because I feel my life is being ripped from me again, through her by you. So, I am reminding you now what my rights are and the ones I know that are yours...
I am obligated to put food in her belly, a roof over her head, to teach her and guide her and keep her safe and from harm. I am supposed to provide faith and hope to her and give her something to look forward to in life. I am to make her available to you and to garner a relationship between the two of you free of my interference and my own biased attitude and assumptions where you are concerned.
You are obligated to do the same.
What goes on in your home is your business excepting where it inflicts harm or corrupts her or her daily activities as to be detrimental to her happiness and growth. The same is said for my home. <----this is the part you were so adamant about but yet feel you have the right to violate...
...what I don't get is how you seem to forget that you have NO right to dictate how I raise her. You are without faith, so I taught her mine and others by comparison. You are without responsibility, so I showed her a responsible person by example and assumed the lion's share of her duties. You are without her person in the flesh, because you chose an occupation that took you away from your spouse(s) and children so as to "free" yourself from the obligations of having to bathe, clean, feed, clothe, heal, etc...her needs. Others cared for her when you weren't there. Ninety percent of the time it was me, the other ten it was your significant others and their older children and extended family.
No one made you choose this life. But now you would tell me what life I choose and tell me whom I can see and be around or associate with and who I cannot? You convey to me your unhappiness and that you are alone because your third (I was the second, remember?) wife left you because she herself felt your controlling anger and neglect. (not unlike the second or first) You ate a tv dinner and watched The Godfather saga on Christmas when your child BEGGED you to come to our house (I didn't want but allowed and would have been polite and cordial) for a family get together, just the three of us.
She loves you still. And now she is a teenager and disrespectful, using terminology she sees you use towards service people like waitresses, phone jockeys, cashiers and the working class. She uses this terminology towards me when she doesn't get her own way and to others who refuse to cater to her every whim. Once a straight "A" student, her grades have fallen deplorably to mere "D's" and "F's" and she fails to consistently do the few chores and responsibilities that are hers. I do most everything else, broken bones and all and am told I am lazy and inferred that I am worthless because my wallet is not as deep as your's or your family's.
Now I will tell you something. I love her. Unconditionally and truthfully. I am not here to be her best friend and I did not decide to be a mom to have something to "love me" because I am loveless. I had her because I wanted family and I wanted to do something "right" with my life. She will know this when she is my age and has her own little heathen to contend with. I am not mad at her for being a product of her environment. I am disappointed that she chose to emulate the things that surround her that I taught her to steer clear from. And now...with the manipulation gene passed onto her from one of us or both of us, she uses you to cajole me into molding my house to be as accommodating to her as your's is. The only problem I have with that is this is NOT your house any longer. Stephen doesn't live here anymore and chooses not to really "live" anywhere.
I cannot give her the things you can. You live dangerously so you can "feel" what it is like to be alive. She doesn't need that. And I won't turn a blind eye to alcohol, drug, sexual abuse by her. She cannot come and go freely and is far too young to get a job. I was sixteen when I had a job...was eleven when I started working full time. She is sixteen now. but sixteen now is forty sexually and five mentally. What can she do with this responsibility but look for more trouble. She finds plenty without the aid outside of school. She is a sophomore in high school that once used to help cook her own meals and clean her room spotless and ask often to assist me in every way she can, when I was well and had the strength. Now I am ill and feeble and she feels I am holding her back and she refuses to even take care of herself unless she thinks there is the off chance a boy will be involved somehow and then later berates me and treats me like whooped dog because she is resentful I have to be present in my own home when her beau stops by. Why the young man treats me with more reverence and respect than she does. I question your motives and feel you only want me to allow this because it makes you appear more loving to her than I do. She mentions this a lot when she is unhappy with me. You, the father that NOT ONCE tried to pursue custody of her despite the means and capability to do so because it would interfere with your "busy" life of traipsing around the continental US sleeping with everyone and staying drunk in your off hours. What a glamorous life you lead!
All I can give her is my love. I can give her the few things I own, when I pass and the lessons I gave her and hope she will do something wonderful with them to better herself and this world. What have you taught her? What will you leave her with?
I want you to know that when I am gone she will have you. Legally, if she is under majority age, she will go to you. But there are countless others who have sworn to keep her safe and take care of her. It should ease your mind that you won't have to do it if even I am gone. It doesn't ease mine because you still parent from a place where you feel you have the right to "make your own mistakes" where she is concerned while I parent from there are NO mistakes and you only get ONE GO 'ROUND. If we fuck up, it is her that will pay. She is half of me and half of you and she inherits the detrimental halves of the both of us. Not every time she does something you don't like she's behaving like her mother and vice versa.
There is fear in my heart and head. It is heavy with grief tonight thinking of these things. I have worried every single day she spends with you and you have given me no course NOT to worry. Not once has she been bodily injured in my care, but in yours and the schools she has been harmed many times. I am weary and sad because I am losing the one thing I love in this world completely and you gain from that sadness. It truly breaks my heart. If she comes to you and wants to stay and there is no more breathe in my chest, keep her safe. I will be watching and I won't be alone...
You daughter's mother,
mobe
...there is nothing so strong as a parent's love and nothing so easily broken as a child born without it. But what is love? Is it is what we tangibly "get" for our children or the examples and things we do fro them to mold them into outstanding beings. Have you all equipped your little Miss(es) and Mister(s) with the tools they need to have loving relationships and rewarding lives? Did you give it your all with all you had? I know many that have and many that haven't and many, like myself who did but it was never enough because the "easy ticket" was much more intriguing and rewarding in the minds of children....May the gods keep her safe and ensure that she uses the tools I gave her wisely...this is my prayer every single nigh...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
*note: This is real in my life and yes, I am a woman (of sorts) and yes women AND men can be deadbeats or outstanding parents. In my case and perspective and hers, she is my only judge and she will decide long after I am gone if I had done a good job. When her child scrapes their knee or can't sleep at night, she will call upon her memory for what I have taught and not the drunken road trip she was took on when daddy smashed the mailbox after insisting she get in the car because he was too drunk to see and needed "her eyes"...
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
You Just Can't Educate the Ignorant
I see dumb people. No, really! I see dumb people everywhere I go and it is getting me confused as to my purpose in life these days....
Was I put here to rectify the situation or was I put here to just sit and take names? How do I know? I been waiting for a sign for endless days and none has come to answer my query...I have better things to do here!!!!!
I had goals in my life. I wanted to be an astronaut. I wanted to be a veterinarian and I wanted to be a cat breeder. I even wanted to be the female version of the silver screen's Indiana Jones...only cooler with tits! I would use my whip (had to be ten feet or better!) to lasso a pipe or overhead awning and swing like a swashbuckling pirate in and out of the best jungles in the tropics looking for treasure. I wanted to dig in the dirt and in my off time design fabulous homes and be home in time to make dinner for my hubby and 2.3 kids and our family pets.
Instead, I seem to be a beacon for fools. Can you imagine a life spent being the "noticer" of the underknowledged?...I have come to the realization that there is just no educating the ignorant. Understandably, some have issue with this because there are a fair amount of people who think that they can. I know, I am not just a disdainful prick but I was also a member, head captain, of the "fixers" out there until I smarted up. They can't help themselves. Stupidity is contagious. People don't get it and that slacker mentality is where our government gets the idea that they can pull the wool over our eyes. Those of us too intelligent are fearful of the shit falling downhill. I know. I am...
...and it always falls downhill. I can't count how many times I have heard men and women complaining about things the way they are and then going out and contributing to the moronic stupification. It has to end somewhere. But where do I fit in in the whole scheme of things. I am perfect by design. Aren't I?
So, I make them laugh. I make them laugh until it hurts and I scream. LOUD. LOUDER and LONGERRRRR until they get the message that they aren't alone. Get up. Get out. Call 'em out. Let a dumb fuck know they are one. Duke it out. The culling of the herd has been needed for some time now. Overpopluated bullshit of an orb that I have to fucking share with you all and I am tired of writing on the damn wall and watching all these assholes blindly walking by while their inbred little bratty kids write graffiti over my tomes. The disease is spreading among us all. Have you had your shots?~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Was I put here to rectify the situation or was I put here to just sit and take names? How do I know? I been waiting for a sign for endless days and none has come to answer my query...I have better things to do here!!!!!
I had goals in my life. I wanted to be an astronaut. I wanted to be a veterinarian and I wanted to be a cat breeder. I even wanted to be the female version of the silver screen's Indiana Jones...only cooler with tits! I would use my whip (had to be ten feet or better!) to lasso a pipe or overhead awning and swing like a swashbuckling pirate in and out of the best jungles in the tropics looking for treasure. I wanted to dig in the dirt and in my off time design fabulous homes and be home in time to make dinner for my hubby and 2.3 kids and our family pets.
Instead, I seem to be a beacon for fools. Can you imagine a life spent being the "noticer" of the underknowledged?...I have come to the realization that there is just no educating the ignorant. Understandably, some have issue with this because there are a fair amount of people who think that they can. I know, I am not just a disdainful prick but I was also a member, head captain, of the "fixers" out there until I smarted up. They can't help themselves. Stupidity is contagious. People don't get it and that slacker mentality is where our government gets the idea that they can pull the wool over our eyes. Those of us too intelligent are fearful of the shit falling downhill. I know. I am...
...and it always falls downhill. I can't count how many times I have heard men and women complaining about things the way they are and then going out and contributing to the moronic stupification. It has to end somewhere. But where do I fit in in the whole scheme of things. I am perfect by design. Aren't I?
So, I make them laugh. I make them laugh until it hurts and I scream. LOUD. LOUDER and LONGERRRRR until they get the message that they aren't alone. Get up. Get out. Call 'em out. Let a dumb fuck know they are one. Duke it out. The culling of the herd has been needed for some time now. Overpopluated bullshit of an orb that I have to fucking share with you all and I am tired of writing on the damn wall and watching all these assholes blindly walking by while their inbred little bratty kids write graffiti over my tomes. The disease is spreading among us all. Have you had your shots?~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Foolish Reality
I have been chained to the figurative table and forced against my will to compile a list of complaints to further your education on why Miss mobe is a disdainful wench...thus far I have come up with nothing, but I will try and continue to do it for fear I will be shrouded in grief from the rantings of my sis who laments for yet another installment in my hateful dirge...
I am broke and have been for some time and came to a realization that there is no fixing this kind of broke because I became broke by YOUR laws and morals. Funny most of you do not follow the challenges you make nor do you even keep the deals you break or learn from your mistakes and find it so damn easy to poke fun and prejudicate the person standing next to you but the gods forbid, someone would call you out in your err and make mockery of your foolish pride....I am tired of being the lone mermaid on the itchy rock in the middle of the fucking sea while everyone swims by and laughs and points...
Is it really that difficult to see your own err? Do you really need to sit and wait for me and others like me to point it out for you? And why would you expect someone to do what you yourself couldn't comply with? Demanding more than your willing to give and expect more rewards than the forsaken planet has to bear, and there is no wonder the children want no part of a future and only want a here and now. They see in advance. And YOU gave them the spyglass with which to do it with!
I have a need to aid and abet those unworthy of being aided and abetted as it were. I also have a subconscious grandiose judgment of myself believing I am capable of changing the world on a grand scale even though my efforts to do so have been fruitless and futile. I had a visit with my doc today and I came to the epiphany on my own with minimal but appreciated, help from him. I NEED to do for others at a great cost to me and for years knew it but was never completely sure why. Having asked him how to stop I figured out why. He wanted me to understand the subconscious of it and how it could imply the "thinking I am bigger than I am in the scheme of things" theory but I felt a huge weight lifted with the realization it is quite much more twisted than that. I still have no clue how to stop it but at least my heart (yes that little black coal-y lump) tells me I am headed in the right direction, but not before cracking a quiet and silent mental joke to myself about how many fuckers it takes to change a person, instead of a lightbulb!
SO...here it goes. I wanted to get rescued. Pure and simple. I wanted someone to take me away from the pain and the abuse and neglect and torment I was receiving at home and abroad from my peers and family and the people in "my" community. I wanted someone to "see" me and WANT to rescue me and still think I deserve to be rescued some way and some how. that I had/have value. I even subconsciously rationalize that if I am "seen" doing good deeds (even with a hardened heart) for others, that someone will come and put out their hand and take mine in theirs and pull me up out of the shit I have been swallowed up into, first by being placed there and forced to stay put there and secondly, by creating additional "mess" with the few crappy skills bestowed upon me by humanity and the fuckers who bore me. It's not that I set out to think that I CAN change the world so much that I hope I do a good job and get recognition for what I have done...and ultimately my reward, rescuing....
I'm sure that shook a few apples out of the barrel and I would love to tell you all a funny tale but alas today there is none. It is raw and bitter that I taste and yes, disdain. Because I AM BROKE. I WON'T BE FIXED and there is no fix in the future that will make a difference in my warped cell that YOU put me in. I am prisoner among men and women alike. I have led a life of servitude trying to buy my way into what I thought was a form of Shang Ri La and now suffer the "healthy" realization that it doesn't exist and I have been the biggest fool ever and there is no time left to reprogram the unhealthy thought patterns I seem to have, like...oh lemme see: truth, justice, fairness, loyalty, comraderie, honour, respect, regret, remorse, knowledge, etc....all those wonderful Pandora's little whore box of ills you gave me! I feel like I am the only one who knows the "code" of how to conduct one's self and how to treat others...and the "makers" of these laws do not abide one of them, let alone two or more, and here I sit a fool thinking I will get somewhere. And...I did...to a very unhappy place...congrats! Shame on me for believing in you...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
I am broke and have been for some time and came to a realization that there is no fixing this kind of broke because I became broke by YOUR laws and morals. Funny most of you do not follow the challenges you make nor do you even keep the deals you break or learn from your mistakes and find it so damn easy to poke fun and prejudicate the person standing next to you but the gods forbid, someone would call you out in your err and make mockery of your foolish pride....I am tired of being the lone mermaid on the itchy rock in the middle of the fucking sea while everyone swims by and laughs and points...
Is it really that difficult to see your own err? Do you really need to sit and wait for me and others like me to point it out for you? And why would you expect someone to do what you yourself couldn't comply with? Demanding more than your willing to give and expect more rewards than the forsaken planet has to bear, and there is no wonder the children want no part of a future and only want a here and now. They see in advance. And YOU gave them the spyglass with which to do it with!
I have a need to aid and abet those unworthy of being aided and abetted as it were. I also have a subconscious grandiose judgment of myself believing I am capable of changing the world on a grand scale even though my efforts to do so have been fruitless and futile. I had a visit with my doc today and I came to the epiphany on my own with minimal but appreciated, help from him. I NEED to do for others at a great cost to me and for years knew it but was never completely sure why. Having asked him how to stop I figured out why. He wanted me to understand the subconscious of it and how it could imply the "thinking I am bigger than I am in the scheme of things" theory but I felt a huge weight lifted with the realization it is quite much more twisted than that. I still have no clue how to stop it but at least my heart (yes that little black coal-y lump) tells me I am headed in the right direction, but not before cracking a quiet and silent mental joke to myself about how many fuckers it takes to change a person, instead of a lightbulb!
SO...here it goes. I wanted to get rescued. Pure and simple. I wanted someone to take me away from the pain and the abuse and neglect and torment I was receiving at home and abroad from my peers and family and the people in "my" community. I wanted someone to "see" me and WANT to rescue me and still think I deserve to be rescued some way and some how. that I had/have value. I even subconsciously rationalize that if I am "seen" doing good deeds (even with a hardened heart) for others, that someone will come and put out their hand and take mine in theirs and pull me up out of the shit I have been swallowed up into, first by being placed there and forced to stay put there and secondly, by creating additional "mess" with the few crappy skills bestowed upon me by humanity and the fuckers who bore me. It's not that I set out to think that I CAN change the world so much that I hope I do a good job and get recognition for what I have done...and ultimately my reward, rescuing....
I'm sure that shook a few apples out of the barrel and I would love to tell you all a funny tale but alas today there is none. It is raw and bitter that I taste and yes, disdain. Because I AM BROKE. I WON'T BE FIXED and there is no fix in the future that will make a difference in my warped cell that YOU put me in. I am prisoner among men and women alike. I have led a life of servitude trying to buy my way into what I thought was a form of Shang Ri La and now suffer the "healthy" realization that it doesn't exist and I have been the biggest fool ever and there is no time left to reprogram the unhealthy thought patterns I seem to have, like...oh lemme see: truth, justice, fairness, loyalty, comraderie, honour, respect, regret, remorse, knowledge, etc....all those wonderful Pandora's little whore box of ills you gave me! I feel like I am the only one who knows the "code" of how to conduct one's self and how to treat others...and the "makers" of these laws do not abide one of them, let alone two or more, and here I sit a fool thinking I will get somewhere. And...I did...to a very unhappy place...congrats! Shame on me for believing in you...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Rules To Live With, Relatively
here's some food for thought. I can not attest to what works properly in a relationship because I seem to have been the only one in many of the relationships. Either they have checked out or I have checked out (always having TOLD them when it was over beforehand). I can only attest to what doesn't work. This is Pain's Wisdom so listen up...
People cannot be judged by the past folks. There are extenuating circumstances that lead them to the things and crossroads they come to. The decision to do what they did is ultimately theirs, and you cannot truly decide if it was wrong or right unless it was you.
Love one another.
Laugh together and grow together.
When you feel slighted, talk about it. If your partner won't speak to you encourage them to seek help from a professional or a friend. If they aren't talking at all, then they have defined the parameters and you are now at that proverbial crossroad where you have to decide if you wish to live within their definition or not. These are simple rules here yet no one seems to get it. Why, you ask? Because we get what we think is the perfect person for us but fail to conceptualize that we may not be the perfect choice for them! I refuse to allow others to judge me by my many "#'s" of partners. I had my reasons for ditching the ones I ditched as the others had their reasons for ditching me. When I am with a person there is a certain amount of what I call "hurt-speak," where we bash our exes in a form of building and orating what we will and will not tolerate so as to get the other on the same page we want them on. We all do it. It comes from that place where we have become seasoned by our pain. We want to let others know what mistakes were made by another and even what ones we will allow them to know we own. A certain amount of this hurt-speak is acceptable but at some point you have to trust. Without trust there is NO relationship.
You've heard the adage that a smooth sea never made for an experienced sailor. It is true and the truth her lies in the fact that not only should you be capable of learning from your own mistakes but intelligent enough to find reason in the mistakes of others. No two people, not even twins, are alike. Not even species-wise as in my case, and I have made a name for myself out of my unhappiness with viewing the world with eyes that scream "should've, would've, could've" instead of ones that trusted. Trust still doesn't come easy for me as most of you have guessed by now and until it does I have abstained from any relationship until I know I can trust again and not be too intolerant.
If you love someone you accept the things that matter little that you wouldn't have otherwise. You have to accept them in a week, a year and a decade too. You cannot pick apart that person slowly because you are uncomfortable within your own shoes. It kills them. This person isn't as clean about the home; that person isn't as tidy; the other doesn't cook; even another is bad with money. We all have our hang-ups. Mine is the ability to lie. Little lies, big lies, they all hurt and create a sense of mistrust because you can never count on what the person says. I will always be wary of a liar and have unfriended people in real life and online because I just couldn't sit and listen one more day to the tall tales. It doesn't surprise a few of you that know me quite well by now that some of the shit that comes from my mouth sounds so fantastic that it is hard for others to swallow. That isn't a flaw of mine but an unwillingness of some people to take me at my word. It doesn't change the fact that I am what I am and do what I do.
A person refusing to believe that I am inhuman doesn't mean that I am human because they believe it so. It means they are incapable of processing that information right now and have to believe the lie they created to be comfortable in their world. I have issues with this but they are my own and I CHOOSE to minimize my social activities with these individuals.
Do not let other define you for you. We all came with the same mental equipment for the most part. For those of you who have a religion, they all tout the same rhetoric. Do unto others, honor this code or that...tell no tales unless they are your own (this is in reference to gossip), tell no untruths, live within your means, "want" not that which belongs to another. These are simple here and we all know them. From Bundy to Manson to Dahmer to the Hapsburgs to even the House of Dracule. WE ALL LIVE BY THE SAME CREDO.
When a peoples is so afraid to be honest with one another it begets so much anger, hurt and hostility. We don't just let it eat at us but we let it decide our lives for us. It is invisible pain that drives most bodies' will and into the dangerous rocks on the seas of life. I am honest, to a fault it appears. And yet the others' dishonesty masks their eyes to be able to see it for what it is. Truth. I can count how many times I have told people that I am a large woman and that I have had many partners of both sexes. It behooves those who have seen my physique to believe it true about my physical self and deny the latter as true. Then they meet some or many of the long term ones. I love the mental turmoil it spins them into when faced with trying to figure out why this fat-assed, red-headed, loud-mouthed, sassy, bitchy, comedienne can "pull" such fine "ass" as I have been capable of.
Be true to yourself above all others. If you have beliefs, then live up to them. Do not expect others to travel a road you yourself wouldn't. Do not make others walk behind you (unless traffic dictates it), do not walk behind another and feel it is your place forever. Trust one another. Be open with one another. Share your knowledge for IT is the only real power any of us has. Share your things. If you run out someone somewhere will provide what you need.
There really isn't much more I can say on this matter, just read it and reread it if you need the reassurance and be peaceful and content with your decisions. Make no decision that feels not right to you. It is never too late to change one's mind, heart, direction, ideals if they do not fit....~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
People cannot be judged by the past folks. There are extenuating circumstances that lead them to the things and crossroads they come to. The decision to do what they did is ultimately theirs, and you cannot truly decide if it was wrong or right unless it was you.
Love one another.
Laugh together and grow together.
When you feel slighted, talk about it. If your partner won't speak to you encourage them to seek help from a professional or a friend. If they aren't talking at all, then they have defined the parameters and you are now at that proverbial crossroad where you have to decide if you wish to live within their definition or not. These are simple rules here yet no one seems to get it. Why, you ask? Because we get what we think is the perfect person for us but fail to conceptualize that we may not be the perfect choice for them! I refuse to allow others to judge me by my many "#'s" of partners. I had my reasons for ditching the ones I ditched as the others had their reasons for ditching me. When I am with a person there is a certain amount of what I call "hurt-speak," where we bash our exes in a form of building and orating what we will and will not tolerate so as to get the other on the same page we want them on. We all do it. It comes from that place where we have become seasoned by our pain. We want to let others know what mistakes were made by another and even what ones we will allow them to know we own. A certain amount of this hurt-speak is acceptable but at some point you have to trust. Without trust there is NO relationship.
You've heard the adage that a smooth sea never made for an experienced sailor. It is true and the truth her lies in the fact that not only should you be capable of learning from your own mistakes but intelligent enough to find reason in the mistakes of others. No two people, not even twins, are alike. Not even species-wise as in my case, and I have made a name for myself out of my unhappiness with viewing the world with eyes that scream "should've, would've, could've" instead of ones that trusted. Trust still doesn't come easy for me as most of you have guessed by now and until it does I have abstained from any relationship until I know I can trust again and not be too intolerant.
If you love someone you accept the things that matter little that you wouldn't have otherwise. You have to accept them in a week, a year and a decade too. You cannot pick apart that person slowly because you are uncomfortable within your own shoes. It kills them. This person isn't as clean about the home; that person isn't as tidy; the other doesn't cook; even another is bad with money. We all have our hang-ups. Mine is the ability to lie. Little lies, big lies, they all hurt and create a sense of mistrust because you can never count on what the person says. I will always be wary of a liar and have unfriended people in real life and online because I just couldn't sit and listen one more day to the tall tales. It doesn't surprise a few of you that know me quite well by now that some of the shit that comes from my mouth sounds so fantastic that it is hard for others to swallow. That isn't a flaw of mine but an unwillingness of some people to take me at my word. It doesn't change the fact that I am what I am and do what I do.
A person refusing to believe that I am inhuman doesn't mean that I am human because they believe it so. It means they are incapable of processing that information right now and have to believe the lie they created to be comfortable in their world. I have issues with this but they are my own and I CHOOSE to minimize my social activities with these individuals.
Do not let other define you for you. We all came with the same mental equipment for the most part. For those of you who have a religion, they all tout the same rhetoric. Do unto others, honor this code or that...tell no tales unless they are your own (this is in reference to gossip), tell no untruths, live within your means, "want" not that which belongs to another. These are simple here and we all know them. From Bundy to Manson to Dahmer to the Hapsburgs to even the House of Dracule. WE ALL LIVE BY THE SAME CREDO.
When a peoples is so afraid to be honest with one another it begets so much anger, hurt and hostility. We don't just let it eat at us but we let it decide our lives for us. It is invisible pain that drives most bodies' will and into the dangerous rocks on the seas of life. I am honest, to a fault it appears. And yet the others' dishonesty masks their eyes to be able to see it for what it is. Truth. I can count how many times I have told people that I am a large woman and that I have had many partners of both sexes. It behooves those who have seen my physique to believe it true about my physical self and deny the latter as true. Then they meet some or many of the long term ones. I love the mental turmoil it spins them into when faced with trying to figure out why this fat-assed, red-headed, loud-mouthed, sassy, bitchy, comedienne can "pull" such fine "ass" as I have been capable of.
Be true to yourself above all others. If you have beliefs, then live up to them. Do not expect others to travel a road you yourself wouldn't. Do not make others walk behind you (unless traffic dictates it), do not walk behind another and feel it is your place forever. Trust one another. Be open with one another. Share your knowledge for IT is the only real power any of us has. Share your things. If you run out someone somewhere will provide what you need.
There really isn't much more I can say on this matter, just read it and reread it if you need the reassurance and be peaceful and content with your decisions. Make no decision that feels not right to you. It is never too late to change one's mind, heart, direction, ideals if they do not fit....~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Random Unhappiness
in order to provide a proper service and to remain true to the power of infinity it has been brought to my attention that I must loathe and dislike in entirety. No one person or thing is safe from my disdain and the helpful service people of yesterday and today are no different. Neither are children, family, elderly and retarded. Each group of individuals has its own place within the realms of my disdain and today I am full of the morose and contemptible want to eradicate myself from certain issues I seem to be unable to avoid.
It is inescapable in my life. I can't avoid what comes and only seem to be a reactionary participant. I live merely by eking by, just as most of you do and have days when it doesn't pay to open your eyes and allow the sunlight to burn off the first layer of corneal tissue to start the day anew. (yes, it actually does that...pay attention!) I lie awake and feel my heart beating and pumping deformed cells throughout the rest of the deformity. I feel the burning sensation of the sun's evil light and rays long before they make their grand entrance. There is a life out there for me. So why do I keep burying myself in some pet project in my dire need to immortalize myself in a false sense of martyrdom that no one else gets?
Fornication gives no comfort anymore. Food, no matter how masterful and artful the delicacy, holds no flavour. Sleep brings only torment in the fact that Dr. Freud was right all along and that all dreams are a manifestation of wish fulfillment or a re-hashing of the past, neither being a remotely positive film to watch. I have come to accept the macabre about me with a sense of mockery. Yes, folks, I laugh at myself probably even harder than you laugh at me for no one knows the vile of heart within my breast better than I do. I see things before they happen in my dreams. Many people do but they forget upon the awakening and even when I have had no sleep, I am able to see things. *I don't want to see the end before the beginning anymore. It is unfair to the rest of the world to remain so ignorant, and it is so cruel to put that level of trust in one soul to diminish it's viability in the world you thrust it to (*shouting at the gods now) so that they may have something to laugh about up there.
I'm stuck in a vortex where I am the stand-up act and they just love to shoot bullets and watch me dance. Only I ain't dancing and I ain't sitting and this is not funny to me. I want more. I deserve more. Many people get so much by giving so little and I give all and get squat! It's time to even the odds...revolution's a comin'...just when, is the issue~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Occupy MY Street
my best friend knows me so well. She has been hounding me to get off my proverbial ass and write again...and I have been thinking. It's what I do best and I don't like where my thoughts have led me...this is what has been on my mind...
Occupy MY Street!
Some days it just isn't worth the bitch and/or moan. There are things so beautiful and complex about humans that it keeps drawing me in. My only sadness is in the fact that I may not have had enough opportunities flow to me (maybe I just squandered those that did-who knows?) to be able to reward the faulted efforts of the deserving when they need it. I have no philanthropic endeavors but wish I had. Maybe, just maybe I am "good enough" to be published, sell my soul to the devils who will pay and take the monies and give it all away, save college and a home for Lobo.
I see people from all walks of life, my ninety-nine percent, and feel like reaching out and placing a kiss on their forehead and wishing (or is it whisking?) away their strife. There's this overwhelming sense of inadequacy that washes over me. Deep down inside your favorite monster is motherly on a grand scale. It gets her into too much trouble and is the root source of her unhappiness as well, when they bite the hand that feeds them. Today I met a sweet girl wrought with her own trouble and worry but not one wrinkle or tear or frown on her face! At once I was in awe of her inner beauty and listened to and spoke with her about her purpose for "being." I became jealous for an instant, not having been able to be at peace and smile as she does. But the jealousy would soon be brushed aside and faded fast. Replacing it was the want to hold her and her child, to adopt them as my own and aide them. That's just not in the cards for me today.
Social interaction is becoming so prevalent a part of my id that I am choked up on a continual basis and flaming fucking mad when my wheels turn and comprehension sets in about how her own kind, humanity has failed this young woman and her son. She is your ninety-nine percent too! She dotted all her "i's" AND her "j's" and crossed every "t." But the system is flawed and her network and family crashed under the strain. Did she cry? No. Has she complained? I don't know but she hasn't to me and I'm smart enough to read between the lines. She struggles, works two jobs and has a child who is ill and will not improve only having half his brain after over twenty surgeries before the age of three and blind as well. She cannot place him in daycare because of the nature and dangers involved with his disability. She gets some help but the medical bills bog her down. She's even in school. Her family is angry with her because they don't like the child's father, so they refuse to aid her because of a bad choice she made. She goes it alone, left her home in GA and came to FL so the father (now clean and sober and an exemplary parent) can co-parent with her. They will not reunite because of their differences but get along better than my own parents have or even myself and my child's father who rarely puts his child first.
People are so self serving and cruel. They have been this way awhile but the numbers, or rather percentages are climbing. I don't get how this happened by accident. I don't believe in most accidents. It wasn't an accident when a drunk kid crossed an interstate median and crashed head-on at full speed into the Elmore's sedan that fateful night some decade ago when my dear friend, Larry, just happened to be on the phone with his mum while his father drove home. They both died, not an accident, he at the scene and his wife about a week later from her injuries. They were old and for the most part by each other's side in the end but their son (one of) of now sixty years old still grieves despite the years that have passed. He was very close to his parents, unlike myself. While on the phone his mom told him she loved him and that she would see him the next day when they came to visit, then the phone connection was lost, terminated. Larry's television was not accidentally on the news. The helicopter did not accidentally wait until the bodies and injured were removed before zooming in to the wreckage on I-4 outside of Tampa. He still isn't sure how he made it to my house that night, only that he insisted on driving with his own wife by his side through his tears and grief in the evening. He fell out of his car and I wound up counseling him for over a year.
What I'm saying is it wasn't an accident. That kid didn't accidentally drink. The bar he left didn't accidentally serve alcohol to an inebriated man. He didn't accidentally get in his vehicle and it certainly didn't accidentally move of its own accord. It was no accident he was on I-4, nor was it that Larry's mother and father had been. They, all three (man in the pick up and his two parents) were all on their way home from a night out. Brittany's family didn't accidentally forget her. Her child's father didn't accidentally screw up and her community didn't accidentally turn its back on her. The governments around this world don't have accidents either. The Gulf of Mexico spill was just such a "not" accident. Stock market crash, Chernobyl, the Japanese meltdown of 2011. Sure the last two had mother nature's hand in it but she didn't accidentally create the nuclear reactors!
There's a whole other side to that ninety-nine percent too that many people forgot. Some of the "99" are intelligent, equal to that or even surpassing their one percent peers! They just have been playing by the established rules and are also financially too crippled to do anything to aid their families and communities. While profits skyrocket for the one percent who DON'T play by THEIR established rules. I am that ninety-nine percent. And I can barely keep myself and my child fed, but I have this want to collect and be able to care for all the lost children, kittehs and pups that fall in the majority. My bosom is not as large as it is for sexual purposes. Actually the larger they are the less sensitive they are for that pleasure. They are there to cleave, hug, hold, comfort and cradle the sorrow of others, the hurt and the lost.
I get lost in that, my apologies...So much has been done and so much needs to be undone. Too many people are telling you what to do and how to do it but won't pick up a rake themselves to clean up this mess. Yes, there are some and most of that some comes from us. The poor aiding the poor. Brainwash complete with the aftertaste from the corporate soap they themselves (the one percent) won't wash their dogs in. It makes me want to regurgitate yesterday's sponsors in their faces!
Now I have to think. Think about my thoughts and the conundrum before me. Deep down inside I have always wanted a bit of notoriety. I think everybody does to a point. But I've held back all these years, never sure others would appreciate my madness in ink as I do. Oh don't get me wrong, I think I am fabulous, but I also am wise enough and aware that what I think and write is not for everyone. So I have to justify. Do I have a right to meddle so late in life? Will I have the living time left to make a difference? What about strength, will and economy? I have to contemplate if it is all justified. For now I take the middle of the herd in that ninety-nine percent (adding four more mouths to feed as I take in my ex and his children to help them and combining households to help each other). My time is donated when I can afford to as well as my means. Maybe I could be like the race-car driver of philosophical writers, will you sponsor me? *giggles ~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Occupy MY Street!
Some days it just isn't worth the bitch and/or moan. There are things so beautiful and complex about humans that it keeps drawing me in. My only sadness is in the fact that I may not have had enough opportunities flow to me (maybe I just squandered those that did-who knows?) to be able to reward the faulted efforts of the deserving when they need it. I have no philanthropic endeavors but wish I had. Maybe, just maybe I am "good enough" to be published, sell my soul to the devils who will pay and take the monies and give it all away, save college and a home for Lobo.
I see people from all walks of life, my ninety-nine percent, and feel like reaching out and placing a kiss on their forehead and wishing (or is it whisking?) away their strife. There's this overwhelming sense of inadequacy that washes over me. Deep down inside your favorite monster is motherly on a grand scale. It gets her into too much trouble and is the root source of her unhappiness as well, when they bite the hand that feeds them. Today I met a sweet girl wrought with her own trouble and worry but not one wrinkle or tear or frown on her face! At once I was in awe of her inner beauty and listened to and spoke with her about her purpose for "being." I became jealous for an instant, not having been able to be at peace and smile as she does. But the jealousy would soon be brushed aside and faded fast. Replacing it was the want to hold her and her child, to adopt them as my own and aide them. That's just not in the cards for me today.
Social interaction is becoming so prevalent a part of my id that I am choked up on a continual basis and flaming fucking mad when my wheels turn and comprehension sets in about how her own kind, humanity has failed this young woman and her son. She is your ninety-nine percent too! She dotted all her "i's" AND her "j's" and crossed every "t." But the system is flawed and her network and family crashed under the strain. Did she cry? No. Has she complained? I don't know but she hasn't to me and I'm smart enough to read between the lines. She struggles, works two jobs and has a child who is ill and will not improve only having half his brain after over twenty surgeries before the age of three and blind as well. She cannot place him in daycare because of the nature and dangers involved with his disability. She gets some help but the medical bills bog her down. She's even in school. Her family is angry with her because they don't like the child's father, so they refuse to aid her because of a bad choice she made. She goes it alone, left her home in GA and came to FL so the father (now clean and sober and an exemplary parent) can co-parent with her. They will not reunite because of their differences but get along better than my own parents have or even myself and my child's father who rarely puts his child first.
People are so self serving and cruel. They have been this way awhile but the numbers, or rather percentages are climbing. I don't get how this happened by accident. I don't believe in most accidents. It wasn't an accident when a drunk kid crossed an interstate median and crashed head-on at full speed into the Elmore's sedan that fateful night some decade ago when my dear friend, Larry, just happened to be on the phone with his mum while his father drove home. They both died, not an accident, he at the scene and his wife about a week later from her injuries. They were old and for the most part by each other's side in the end but their son (one of) of now sixty years old still grieves despite the years that have passed. He was very close to his parents, unlike myself. While on the phone his mom told him she loved him and that she would see him the next day when they came to visit, then the phone connection was lost, terminated. Larry's television was not accidentally on the news. The helicopter did not accidentally wait until the bodies and injured were removed before zooming in to the wreckage on I-4 outside of Tampa. He still isn't sure how he made it to my house that night, only that he insisted on driving with his own wife by his side through his tears and grief in the evening. He fell out of his car and I wound up counseling him for over a year.
What I'm saying is it wasn't an accident. That kid didn't accidentally drink. The bar he left didn't accidentally serve alcohol to an inebriated man. He didn't accidentally get in his vehicle and it certainly didn't accidentally move of its own accord. It was no accident he was on I-4, nor was it that Larry's mother and father had been. They, all three (man in the pick up and his two parents) were all on their way home from a night out. Brittany's family didn't accidentally forget her. Her child's father didn't accidentally screw up and her community didn't accidentally turn its back on her. The governments around this world don't have accidents either. The Gulf of Mexico spill was just such a "not" accident. Stock market crash, Chernobyl, the Japanese meltdown of 2011. Sure the last two had mother nature's hand in it but she didn't accidentally create the nuclear reactors!
There's a whole other side to that ninety-nine percent too that many people forgot. Some of the "99" are intelligent, equal to that or even surpassing their one percent peers! They just have been playing by the established rules and are also financially too crippled to do anything to aid their families and communities. While profits skyrocket for the one percent who DON'T play by THEIR established rules. I am that ninety-nine percent. And I can barely keep myself and my child fed, but I have this want to collect and be able to care for all the lost children, kittehs and pups that fall in the majority. My bosom is not as large as it is for sexual purposes. Actually the larger they are the less sensitive they are for that pleasure. They are there to cleave, hug, hold, comfort and cradle the sorrow of others, the hurt and the lost.
I get lost in that, my apologies...So much has been done and so much needs to be undone. Too many people are telling you what to do and how to do it but won't pick up a rake themselves to clean up this mess. Yes, there are some and most of that some comes from us. The poor aiding the poor. Brainwash complete with the aftertaste from the corporate soap they themselves (the one percent) won't wash their dogs in. It makes me want to regurgitate yesterday's sponsors in their faces!
Now I have to think. Think about my thoughts and the conundrum before me. Deep down inside I have always wanted a bit of notoriety. I think everybody does to a point. But I've held back all these years, never sure others would appreciate my madness in ink as I do. Oh don't get me wrong, I think I am fabulous, but I also am wise enough and aware that what I think and write is not for everyone. So I have to justify. Do I have a right to meddle so late in life? Will I have the living time left to make a difference? What about strength, will and economy? I have to contemplate if it is all justified. For now I take the middle of the herd in that ninety-nine percent (adding four more mouths to feed as I take in my ex and his children to help them and combining households to help each other). My time is donated when I can afford to as well as my means. Maybe I could be like the race-car driver of philosophical writers, will you sponsor me? *giggles ~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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