Today, Yesterday and Tomorrow

Today, Yesterday and Tomorrow

Today I laid my sword down at your feet
I laid my armour too beside your hip
I unclasped my cloak and my gown to lay by your sleeping body
Only to listen to what's in your heart and your mind at dark


Yesterday I fought with the might of a thousand soldiers
As blood drenched my clothes and covered my mane no one would recognize my sex
I flew with the swiftness of an eagle for a titmouse
I crawled with the silence of the sneakiest of salamanders


Tomorrow I will wake to a new day and a hot sun
My eyes will be blind to all that they behold in your light
You will own my heart and my body and my soul
And I will deny you nothing in your grace


In our future I see sadness for us both
For one shall fall by the wayside as the other will weep
We will stand by each other through every gale and phoon
Our heads will touch in grief as we share what fates' will


But in the end I am yours and you are mine
As flesh of my flesh that I bore you and heart of my heart that I gave
You will come to see me when your work is done and the time is right
And find me keeping watch over all that you create and missing you so


Today I am a mother as I was yesterday and the days before
Tomorrow I am your mother and counselor and friend as you wish it so
Those yesterdays gone past are lessons for you to believe and to pass on
While I watch patiently long after I am gone


Love is the rope to which ties us all
Blood is the cursor to what gives us call
Life is the death that is waiting at dawn
Don't cry for right now I am here and not gone

...a  poem for what is and what was and what will come to pass.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Individuals: Part 13

if one's hands are tied so tightly and bound to their side so as to make it improbable to escape and given the task of doing cartwheels, to what end will the torture begin and end. I have watched hysterically as my pets and wildlife at home behave to the justification of nothing more than to exist and feel good. They don't fret over doctors or lawyers or who said what and when it was said and rarely have I witnessed the "cat's" version of a divorce squabble that would be equivocal of the ones I have.

So how does divorce come into my individuality? You can ask that but a more precise question would be to ask what it has to do with my heritage or species as this particular subject is an unfolding of all that is well or not well as I inhumanly exist. The answer is simple. Though I may be inhuman to you all and Lobo may be as well, you need to keep in mind that I come from human stock and on her father's part so does she. This binds me to the laws of man and the laws of humankind. In my world I would not a second's haste make secreted with myself and child and live off the land in the darkness and height to which we require and never look back or worry about a fucking phone, television or computer! But this is not my world and we are the minority and your kind have made it abundantly clear that we can share it so long as we share under your rule! I am no longer in the company of my child's sire so I am compelled to accept and live within the boundaries of my prison that is custody and divorce law. Fun fun fun, kiddies!

Now it has been some fifteen years past and she is older and wiser and he is as well as I am. He is blind, by his own choice for the knowledge was given in good faith, and doesn't want to see for fear if he opens his eyes he will be forced to admit, under penalty of knowledgeable faction, that what he sees is real and tangible and, therefore, requires immediate action! It was June of last year, 2010, when I found out she was much more in common with her silly mother than we first thought. The suspicion was there but her father has been absent for the most part through the whole ordeal and last fifteen years, while never taking full advantage of the time allowed him, and finds my "tall" tale of my heritage too outstanding to believe. And once it was known to him, last June, that his second child (first and only with me) was not quite human, all hell broke loose. Medical insurance was denied and closed by he and his spouse. He was compelled to replace it by law taking up to six months to do so and then, finding me in the sad state of affairs I have been in financially due to the ever increasing medical costs and surmounting debt, he refused to pay the co-payment so that she could get the treatment she needs. I feel bound and tied and bagged and gagged and buried alive! I want to be the best mom I can be and am a good one but this one act of forced "blindness" has created my biggest obstacle yet. It is not enough that medical doctors and psychiatrists and a close circle of friends believe. But the caregivers of the children in situations like mine need the education. Even romantically acquainted individuals find my story fabulous but unbelievable and most of them have even remarked so. It hurts, yes indeed, as I fight again with everything I have left to fight with for what my kid needs. After begging and reducing myself to levels I would never want to see her in, the agreement was struck, considering he was supposed to pay half of all outstanding medical costs after the insurance over the course of the last fifteen years and he hadn't, and he knows my genuine knack for keeping every little receipt and scrap of paper even if they aren't in order, he finally agreed that it was his turn to aide me and his child in our time of need!

What a surprise to find he wouldn't make good on that agreement. Why would I believe he would when he couldn't make good on vows before his own god that I would have kept if not for the safety of our child when I fled? He still doesn't want to know. He still doesn't believe and yet he witnesses the torment that I undergo each and every day to fight to stay alive (for what I am still at a loss for excepting love, family, friends) and he would doom his OWN progeny to follow in the legacy of pain that her mother won't survive. I don't mind knowing I will not live as long as you. I don't mind knowing my end will not be without tremendous pain that most men wouldn't bear. I DO MIND that a child could be spared this legacy and that ignorant fools exist merely for the pure pleasure of becoming the obstacles of disdain to the ones they claim to love! I have to go out in the daylight, and seek a lawyer and aide and medical assistance for a genetic disorder that is defined by darkness and the irony is lost on the ignorant souls that cannot conceptualize how fucking crazy that sounds! I give up where her sire is concerned. I don't really fight all too much nor do I yield either. He can threat and throw whatever insults and accusations he will at me. In the end I know he cannot take care of this child a quarter as well as I have, and she is most capable at this point of doing it herself, again accepting the business and social aspects of her care. I grovel without the allowance of bowing my head. I plead without the allowance of a sweet surrender and I fight without the allowance of mercy. "You may have not known the creature to which you actually married; you may not have known what it would entail. But you do know now and it wouldn't bode well for your own personal specimen of the human race to stand in the way of a mother and her pup!"...a fight he wants, a fight he gets! Only now I know who I am and what I am and I am no longer the meek and subservient wife he thought he had moulded. I am WAMPHYRI and you will NOT tread on me or mine! Game on-bring it! My daughter will get treatment if I have to beg, borrow, steal or maim to get it for her. I will not fail mine as mine have failed me, and anyone who will put asunder between me and my girl will not only unleash an ill from Pandora's box that will bring on the fear in the heart of a cold man, they will unleash a hatred so pure that it will consume everything in its wake without guilt or survivor save one, the child. This I vow.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

The Land of Ould

apparently I am of no good most of the time to anyone whatsoever! I have come to this conclusion based upon what I have squandered through the years and what I could have done with that time gone past. Professional head doctors keep telling me that for all the shoulds, coulds and woulds there aren't any new beginnings because all that OULD is dragging you back. I am unable to move forward despite how I try to kid myself because I argue that those that don't take a good look at their past are doomed to repeat it. There IS an argument for every fishwife's tale and I am never at a loss for one. So today, just let us indulge in the sh, w and c(oulds).

There would never be enough time for me to accomplish a damn thing. I did have a good run and felt in the moment of any given task like I excelled above most all others. But it was to be the should that would bring me back to earth from the clouds where I hung out most of the time. Oh, I could go on to say that I am as big a disappointment as my family would believe and I was a major wrench in the life and times of all of my exes, but why in the hell would I buy into that crap? I am not all that bad. I just wish I would have done more like everyone else does. Does anyone look back and think to themselves that they did enough and that's it? I don't think so but I have been wrong before. I want a peaceful ending to the horror that is my life and I weigh and assess time and again whether I feel I am entitled or not. Depending on the day I may think I am and/or may think I am not, and you will find me still delving and drowning myself into the past and reassessing my faults and triumphs. Today is such that day and it does me a grave injustice to say it was good enough. I wasn't good enough and have no plans on ever being good enough for there have been plenty teachers to enlighten me thus. What's good enough and not good enough is a matter of perception. I am rambling here because I feel sore and tired and inadequate so I go on and on and on in the hopes I can regather the pieces of the mind that I had once. I lost so much and have so little left to pass on. My progeny knows this and so do my predecessors. One thing I am sure I have been good enough in is teaching my child how to treat herself and others. It is something lacking in today's culture and something very much needed too. I never have to say "I should have...I could have...I would have," though her own father does and so do her peers. I don't lie or keep secrets from her. I have been told I should have but I chose not to and stand by my choice. Children aren't as fragile as professional "nosey-nuggets" would have you believe. I will never have to tell my kid I would have done something but for...she knows better because I have done what I said I was going to do regardless of whom approved or not. And, as far as the word "could" go, there is no turning back and taking a look at what could have been. She could have been another lost lamb of mine doomed to roam my heart and mind and filling my eyes with the very tears her seven siblings do. But she didn't! So there are no coulds. I never will be a better mom than I already am and for that one piece of information, I am able to rest my head at night and sleep without the nightmares some of you do. She knows what side her bread is buttered. We are a poor and small but happy family.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her all to her loves.

The Latest in Disdaindom

the gods must be crazy to allow me such unlimited access to the other race as it were. I am not one for taking advantage but it is so hard to resist doing so. Every single day there is another reason to loathe and digress on the state of human affairs. So I will take advantage of my soapbox here and give you kiddies a look at what our government is doing to protect you and yours.

Insurance companies are nothing more than the pillaging of your hard earned money for bogus bullshit protection that doesn't amount to diddly. Reminds me of the mafia in the old days when they would "make you pay for protection" but the protection payment itself is tantamount to crippling your ability to function either way! They benefit and have never suffered a LOSS ever in the history of the world, in my own opinion of course, but continue to whine and lament at not having GAINED as MUCH as they would like! My insurance company, through my estranged husband, has pulled most of the cord out of the socket on my ability to get rational help and therapy, which we all know full and well that I need. I used to go to the doctor's office once a week. Sure we'd miss an appointment here and there when needed for family emergencies or scheduling conflicts of the doctor's and mine. But I was allowed 52 visits a year to which the "company" allocated on a periodical basis rather than a lump sum. Basically the doc would call in and request more approval for visits via telephone and it was allowed and approved. Then do it again in another several weeks or so. Only now they tell my therapist that I am only allowed 20 in a calendar year now due to budget cuts. And I am not allowed anymore "unless medically necessary" to which means they harass the doctor with a tree's worth of paperwork that they don't have the time to fill out. She has to show how "crazy" I am and without me being institutionalized it is difficult. So, if I need more help I am to sign myself into an institution and cost the taxpayers more money because they are "AFRAID" they may not make as much profit as last year! PROFIT!!! I am in the hole about as far a fat rabbit can get and owe more to Peter and Paul and Walmart than is feasible to make. I am on a fixed income and "it" is getting screwed left and right. My co-payments and medicine and labs and scans cost well over 30% of my viable income with my car taking up another 30% leaving me just 40% of $1800 to live on and buy groceries and pay bills for me and my 15yr old kid! I make TOO MUCH to get assistance as they don't consider my medical needs their problem or use them for determination UNLESS I am ALREADY on public assistance. I am not eligible for housing despite the high school telling me and my kid, in front of other students and their parents in order to humiliate me into hating myself, we are "HOMELESS" making her feel like shit and me feel worse because we lost our home and moved in with my brother and his family. What is it going to take before I am allowed Section 8 housing and food stamps and medical?? I am never going to be able to go to work as I cannot stand on two broken legs or be under lights or out in the sun. I have so many medical problems which is no wonder I am major depressive (not manic but just plain outright PISSED THE FUCK OFF!) These "PROFITS" they are worried about amassing probably can feed every single poor citizen and pay for every fucking transplant needed for the poor. This is sickening and I wish I was able to give some ideas to these 5 house, 4 car, 3 vacation taking assholes who think they don't have enough! It is so fucking discouraging....and that insurance company... I cannot divulge their name without their permission other than to say it rhymes with POOP loss & POOPIE FIELD!!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

An Artist's Life

they say that life imitates art and back. That when great genius is mocked some restitution is sure to follow in remembrance of their accomplishments. Space travel and fissure bombs and nuclear medicines all would not have come to existence if not for some free and wild thinking psychosis running wild and creating fantasies that others only dream of.

As a chef and mother the best I can create are food choices and necklaces and homecoming gowns with twenty dollars. I write poetry and prose and factual piss-pot misery that entertains my readers and friends. I am the stuff that legends are made of. I am a myth and a mystery to the doctors that treat me. What I am not is mundane, even though I may feel my life is at times. My imitation is that I presume to be a relic of sorts from way back in history, only in this day and age and time. I don't belong. My music is wrong. My hair is wrong and my clothes and style are either too far ahead of their time or too far back. I am inter-dimensional and I like it that way! A transcendentalist's idea of achieving eternal peace is lacking in today's society where no one wants to keep still.

I want to stand still as a rock in a meadow full of fireflies and night critters. Fear has grappled me and kept me company far too long only the fear is not for my own being but another's. Under no obligation other than morals of community, I weep and lament for all the ills that may prevent my offspring from becoming herself. I, like so many other species, want so badly for my progeny to succeed otherwise my whole sole purpose would be lost on this world. Let's be realistic, beyond eating and defecating and urinating and procreating, all other things are optional. I finished my tasks and had some fun along the way and even reinvented some crazy fantasies of my own. Marquee lights are not in the works for me. Just maybe a bed and a tub and a glass of ice water and some sleep.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Fade Away

never a dull moment in the cave of mobe. The heat spell we have is killing me faster than the sun can fry and egg and my legs have been thrashing on their own accord. I feel like my body is not my own and it has mutinied on me and taken over the ship.

It isn't easy to be needy or on a regime. I feel for the elderly and disabled out there who have to take meds on a schedule and eat so as well. It sucks the spontaneity out of life and makes each day a chore just to prepare the medication and treatment one needs to survive. I come from a great peoples and know in my heart that I do none proud like this, and it fuels more suicidal thoughts, as anything must be better than the deluge of depression I have gained. Yes, I feel for my own plight but would be willing to trade it in for a permanent residence underground if I didn't have other obligations. Laurel knows this and I believe she keeps me around with her infectious ways and tries to make me her pet project. I don't like the monster I have become. I only admire the beast I am born to be and nothing more. Lobo shouldn't have to alter her life to make sure mommy doesn't do something stupid. She sabotages her own correctness to imply she still needs me, but I find when pushed she is quite adept at succeeding on her own; it makes me proud. Melancholy and sweat make for bad bedroom buddies.

Things are falling apart. I have family and loved ones close to me who are losing ones they care about and I am aging too fast to stop but not fast enough for my own liking. I feel like a cad watching them grieve and anticipate the impending doom that hangs over them all knowing this person is gone, it's just a matter of time. Usually things go well for me when the world is not at rest with itself. Only now I take no succor in that fact as I once had. I used to look forward to other's bad news as it was always a clear indication that things were looking up for me. I felt I could control what happens and by doing so immortalize myself amongst the martyrs of time and history. Like when all my siblings relationships would suck to high hog heaven and I deliberately sabotaged my own happy for theirs. Ahhh, I see a pattern as Lobo is doing the same. Was I just fooling myself? Was I merely just glorifying my existence and supposing a god-like demeanor to that fact? I no longer relish their ail or their whim either, and find no similarities in the "who is hurting" and whether or not I can control it. I felt like a mutinous and bitter fool and now just feel like a non participating one. Nothing gained and nothing lost. I am at the same point to which I started so I might as well just sit on the curb and wait for the return bus to come along and bring me back to the destination I came from. I'm sad at the realization and depressed that I am no more important than the foolish thoughts I entertained and the taunting and haunting echoes from the words of my guardians. I hear everyday all the scorn and hatred and loathing they had for me and wanted to, nobly at one time, got to great lengths to prove them wrong. Now I just don't give a damn. And I don't want to be one of those danish eating, bingo obsessing, white shoe wearing, sugar packet stealing seniors either. I want to fade away...to greener pastures and a world of color again.~mobe's love for her all and her all for her loves.

Prose

I sit and wonder what have I done, what have I done
I tried to ponder but came up none and came up none
There is no reason or rhyme or right
I've shown no mirth and gave no fight

Today is bright as the sun doth be
By midday's set I sure to see
My kin a hundred more time three
What counsel they shall set up upon thee

I lie and I slumber to dream and see dreams
Sometimes will I cry out in screams in screams
But no one will answer tis true to call
And no one will hurry their selves down hall

Fear won't beheld what I think inside
Tremors will not waken the demon I hide
Hills weren't just made in a country wide
For a hawk to find prey on the wind he doth glide

So to bed I am now as I yawn and I yawn
A piece on the board just a pawn a pawn
When I risen anew and am played in check
Once more cheeked from you a gentle peck

I sit and wonder what have I done, what have I done

I tried to ponder but came up none and came up none

So settled for what my eyes have shown

I am my own master, stand all alone

Gone to the Dogs

all the best scents and cuts of meats have been disappearing from my table. I have a few pets and persons and though they dine with me I can safely say it weren't them. I have made another acquaintance today and he be kin to mine own.

It was purely by exampled accident to say the least that I should stumble upon an individual so rare indeed as my own hide is. He is a learned man in the arts and I bet self-taught as I am too. But he has a wealth of years and knowledge as my own mind can hold and he considers me as much a jewel in the crown as I do he. By myth and tale he finds that he owes me that honour though I know he is as royal as I though he prefers his humble status if he will. To the lore behold we are not the hated adversaries all simple minded fear us to be. All creatures great and small battle their own as well as other species and it would be unfair to say there ne'er was a fight between his and my familial lines but not to the degree it be told. You see, the scent of his kind fills my nose and robs me of the good clean air that I breathe and though I may find it offensive to the olfactory sense that I own, I am not so put-off that I would consider it a threat unchallenged. He is wolf, and feral at that and I am wamphyri, after all, but that leads no temptations for me for he is a cousin and no more a threat than be ye.

I find his face amusing and such that it gives great pleasure to look upon and to someday, perhaps, take my broken bones to be by his side for coffee perchance. There are tears between he and I as well as oceans at times and great distance but he is most traveled as would dictate he would roam where I am most content in the lands to which I was born even though it may not be the true birthright of my own blood however black and cold within my core. I love to see what in held within his mind and offer my own for the picking of thought. We shall see if the extension of hands, palms down and fingers out, will draw him in to smell of what ministries my head holds. He is wise and shrewd and quick in his stride and I am slow and calculating and cunning and gifted. We could be a formidable force if the fates that be allow the interlude of such a consensual connection as a mere friendship would hold. We shall see....~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

The State of Love

Love is not something defined by writ and rule. It has no location or place it should be. It has no exception or discriminate value and cannot be given back nor taken away. It has waned but never ceases...love is. Some people think love is something that is provided FOR them and given TO them as if they are entitled alone and unto themselves. It is a sad world when one cannot love another and protect them without accusation or expectation...Love never puts out more than it can handle or takes away from itself. It doesn't see race or money and isn't a begetter of either. Love is not what people are or do. Love is never with boundaries or limits, and an act of love is at the discretion of the person performing the act to the unselfishness of themselves and benefits solely the admired. It is true you can look for love and you can stumble upon it and even look for it in the wrong place and come up short, but if it is real love it will still be there long after the desire and the lust wanes and will still be there long after the first fistful of earth has been thrown down on the pine box.


I won't go to discuss the merit of love or its worthiness. It won't suffice it enough to say that it cannot exist in places of darkness and perpetual hatred. For even the love of hatred is pure and unchallenged. The only constant being that it is true love to which one cannot live without. I cannot live without my love for science and the arts. It is pure and even noble as I explore it until the end of my mortal days. I don't force my love onto another and only delve into it totally when alone with it. Otherwise it is there, always, lingering and patiently waiting for my attention. I have loved what others would call "too many" men and women. I still love each and every one of them even if the fleeting moments of lust have passed by. Sometimes I feel like I have spread myself thin but I haven't waned, my love hasn't waned. I am asked for proof of love continually and I give none. My love needs no proof as it is pure and there are no proofs that will hold its glory. Each and everyone of you are loved. Many doubt it and some of those will succumb to the ills of their mind and die unjustly still loved but then missed. I will make no apologies for love as it needs none and I will accept no apologies for love for I know what love is. Its okay if you think you don't love me or that you cannot love me. I know that you really never did and feel content with the time we knew of each other. There was enough in you for me to love you and I don't need a return on my condition to warrant it. I will still love you when you are gone as some will still love and do still love me now that I am.


Give love and freely and spread it like the disease it is intended to be. It is the penultimate DISease in that no other state of thought leaves us as uneasy and insecure and wanting as love. Grab it wherever you can and hold tight and don't let go. When it can no longer bear the burden of your adoration continue to love it when it leaves and be content for the time well spent the the good uneasiness it granted you. Then spread love around and enjoy as it comes in like the tide from the rising and setting of the moon. Love yourself and above all else. Never love yourself so blindly that you would trounce on another's love. Let other's love as they will. Even let them love you as I have done. Go with love...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

One Man's Fishing Hole

to fish or not to fish? A question of economics when there should be no question at all. The creatures of the sea were put there for all to share and have and I find that some have to pay more for the privilege and not in the least bit fairly. It's getting that time of year here, really it is always that time.

Fishing was my father's favorite summer venture and I think when we came to Florida it made it all the more sweet for him to be able to fish year round. He doesn't go much anymore and I haven't actually been with him since I first married my first husband and we spent a day at Ft. De Soto with him and my step family and siblings. It was his idea of a reception for us to have a cookout and fish together and I didn't mind because any time my dad volunteered to spend time together was "the" time. He passed on his love of fishing to us as I have to my little wolf and tonight I spent the evening making macaroni salad, just as he has so many times and prepared in my mind the sequence of things to prepare and do. Some of my gear is here at my new home and some is still in storage. The hard part is deciding where to go as my brother favors my dad's old haunts and I am limited by disability as to where I can go. I have evolved with my fishing to accommodate my unusual lifestyle and to our advantage, Lobo and I can stay out for long hours and such with minimal amenities. To me a minimal but required amenity is a bathroom. I need to be in close proximity as I cannot walk long distances with broken bones. It's lucky I can walk at all and I complain little, but because I don't I think people forget I am disabled. I don't want to scream it but it is one of those situations that you're damned if you do and, well...you get the idea. My dad's old favorite fishing hole down by the fort has bathrooms and they are clean but it's a long walk on a long pier if I have to "water the roses" or "till the soil" when the need should arise. It's not enough that the restroom exists so much as the proximity needs to be close. My economic state is such that I cannot afford one of those geriatric buggies or disabled person carts and I am bound to "keep on a trucking" on foot. I'm not so stuffy that I can't piss in the woods but I am in need of "woods" and privacy to do so and despite what most think and feel, there is no privacy in this state anymore. So the squat at will idea doesn't apply here, though still on the table for hunting and camping situations.

At the cost of sounding like a cheap or extremely poor shit of a mom, I am-both. The distance between both fishing spots is little enough to warrant that it isn't a deciding factor so it comes down to amenity and cost effectiveness. Dad's old spot is cheap with only a minimal under two dollar toll total to get there. The place I go costs me a car fee and a person fee and can be expensive if one doesn't have the gold to lay on the table. To the tune of fourteen dollars in total, just so the disabled can feel normal and take their kid fishing. Unfortunately for my brother it will cost more for his vehicle, possibly, and he and his wife and possibly three of his six kids will amount to twenty to twenty-eight depending on if the toll people on the pier feel his average SUV is too big to be the normal car cost and be charged triple. I do not want to nor will change his plans with his kids and told him I still want to go but I cannot accompany them where he wants to be. My dilemma is Lobo. She wants to go and we haven't done much but stay home as we are not of above the means to afford such leisure and pleasures. The bonus for us is we go at sundown and stay till an hour or so after dawn which means an all nighter and an eighteen hour adventure, always creating a few days of recovery from sun/light exposure to our kind, but well worth the long overnight visit and quality time spent. So, with a tank of gasoline and a few dollars and the frozen bait in the back of my freezer and my tackle, we will probably head a little farther south than the bro and be to ourselves where the disabled will be able to hobble the short distance to the little girls' room. Otherwise we will have to stay home and eat macaroni salad and watch old movies and goof off together quiet and happy and poor. It's a shame though, and I feel like I'm letting her down and the nieces and nephew down and my brother too for he wanted us to go so badly.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Revolutionary Grain

no matter how much I try to come up with new material my mind keeps going back in time and I keep pondering the whole scheme of things a la this phrase: I want to start a revolution...

It doesn't have to be a violent one. Peaceful always works best, but I love confrontation and a meeting of minds. Wouldn't it be wonderful to see this spark ignite in humanity that allows them to rise above their own selfish melancholy existence to come together to perpetuate themselves into a place they daren't fathom right now? I like igniting fires all over this hell and I love quenching unnecessary ones I didn't start if only just to keep 'em on their toes. I want this revolution to be about truth and tolerance and knowledge and equality. I want the children to inherit something worth wanting rather than to prostitute themselves on television and in the media circus for a way of life.

I want to start a revolution because I believe we were intended for another purpose than to grow old and lazy and dumber. Babies capable of ordering meals via satellite and phone that cannot spell their names correctly and mother's who would rather buy a pack of smokes than a can of formula need not be the legacy we leave behind. I cannot speak for the masses of you but I know what my purpose or purposes have been. I have completed most tasks I was set here to do and even a few of my own agendas. The one thing you can count on is that I have never purposefully impacted another against their will or to their own dis-satisfaction. I like being me. I like ever square inch of ever benign and ugly part of me including my disdain. Happiness has been in my life and gone and come back and so has anger and remorse, but I don't have regret. I lived as I should have even if it is not what I would have thought ideal or what my mother would have wanted. All parents want their children to be lawyers and doctors and politicians but some of us need to actually do the dirty work. Not everyone is cut out for television or government fame. Just as not all people are cut out to bake or draw or build a home. Fortunately for me I have been proficient in many different occupations but none that please me as well as being Laurel's mom and a writer/chef. Hell, I would have made a hell of a "call girl" if  wanted to and maybe even one in demand, but I chose and life chose another path. It was dictated by the environment I grew up in and altered by my own will to change my course if only a wee bit. Vigorous change was wanted but not need and my lust for life didn't wane or alter. Go get your change. If life is not what you want then make it yours, yours alone. Start your own revolution and maybe you will find on your journey that a fellow or two have gathered with you for it's haul.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Feral Fluff

sometimes we need the lumps we get to sweeten or make appear sweet our morning cup. It's far more rewarding to be the lump maker so long as the "lumpee" gets what's coming, but who's to decide? My new roomie clawed the holy hell out of my right pinky toe. Her reward was to be petted and to have tolerance laid upon her frail little head.

She spit on me and peed herself today. Second day and hardly a sound out of her and of course, no purr. She's curled up in her little "apartment" and eating herself into oblivion-I tease but I am so happy-and pooping to her hearts content. She's messy and a slob and crotchety and annoying and I love her. My hubby is jealous because every time he sneaks into the room I shoo him out and he whines at the door with all the disdain only his wife (ME) could appreciate. When he has managed to slip between my feet he stops and stares at the little girlie taking up residence on my floor and she hisses at him and I shoo him out again. When I leave the room he inspects me for damage as he doesn't trust her and as animals go, even the best of them will cull the sick from the herd. They have to in order to not allow the sickness to spread and as crude as it sounds, it is where we get most of our ideas whether it be medical or engineering or architectural. So Sophie allowed my ministrations but refused to give up her pissy towel and also refuses to use her new litter box. She has a spirit that makes me love her stinky ass more! The sad thing is I intend to break certain facets of that spirit but only doing so while convincing her it was "her" idea. That's the only way that will work with four legged "monkeys" like her and hubby. His being left out was explained to him as how important it is for him to watch over the babies. He gets it and I know he knows he has no other choice and eventually, she will learn where her evacuations go but for now she is regressed into the defiant toddler state of things. I wouldn't say she was an ideal roommate though her quietness has its benefits as I know if she does let a yelp or howl it would be warranted.

All fluff aside, I love critters and am most at ease with them. Sure there are some I prefer over others as anyone would but for the most part I get long fine and respect them, even when I fear them. People strike me more as an animal than an animal ever would for an animal will never attack for the hell of it and/or for kicks. I don't care what the damn idiot box tells you, Cujo had a disease that infected his mind (hydro-encephalitis~to you, rabies) so was what we would call chemically imbalanced. A mother bear will protect her cub at any cost and in cases where there have been animal attacks on humans (not enough if you ask me), they were always justified and their reasons don't have to be accepted. I love my new roomie and enjoy watching her growth and her mental growth as well. She has yielded and that to me is a big deal. She sees me as NO THREAT and therefore has no wish to attack me unless I goof up accidentally which I haven't. Her pinching of my toe was out of her fear of being caged as the only time they have been caged was for veterinary purposes or punishment! Sidebar: I never got that-you should never make nutrition a punishment nor should you ever make a safe place like bed or a carrier a punishment, and people wonder why their animals react the way they do and their kids won't listen-just food for thought...if I sent Lobo to bed as a punishment she would think me daft as that is a reward to a 15yr old when she has all her shit in her room and tv and such!! But back on topic. Now she's safe and she's fed well without fighting for her food and she's left alone with peace and quiet and her and I like it that way. In a lot of ways we are the same. Both are feral, injured, disabled, crotchety, tired and just all around want to be left alone. Kindred spirits and we, right now, hold a key to each other's well being if not in whole, in part.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

When it Hurts

there are things beyond our control which lead us to understanding or further into the abyss that is ignorance. This is intended to open the eyes of all, man and woman, to let them see what they are doing to each other and what they mean to each other. Life is precious, and not just your own I might add.

When it hurts to say I love you because the words feel so little to what one feels. But then other words are just too damn much when we don't agree. There never is and never will be a reason for the physical side of confrontations but what of the other sides? A person can be controlled just for the simple fact that they care enough to do nothing when oppressed while thinking they are capable of "healing" or "fixing" what ails the other. I have suffered at the hands of physical abuse and mental abuse but there are still yet other forms. A person can control the finances in such an absolute manner that creates economical abuse.(much in the same way corporations do it but it feels tantamount to rape when they pilfer retirement funds and so on). There is the abuse of academics when a parent or child or spouse refuses to allow any new knowledge to be attainable to their "target" for fear that the oppressed will rise up against them and see them for what they are. There is familial abuse which branches off from social abuse, when you are not allowed family and friends and the whole of the situation is is manipulated by the person you cling to. Funny how we cling to the person who hurts us the most because we are so afraid to admit our own failure in the relationships that we broke before we even entered them. Isolation is cruel when a person doesn't want to be. Intimidation and threats are only there to feed the addiction of the abuser and feed their own insecurities and reinforce their already warped view on the dynamic of the relationship. Tangibles abuse is to hold possessions and children and pets as hostage to bend a person to comply with one's will. I see this daily.

I am speaking on this because each and every one of you have suffered at one time or another even if you do not realize it. People are cruel to one another and nobody can convince me otherwise when I see the tears fall all the time everywhere I go. In the workplace when a boss verbally abuses an employee or customer. At the mall when a boyfriend or girlfriend will push or scorn the significant other or shame them publicly to prove a point. The insults and names and curses. Bullies and kids. Old men who bark and growl and subdue their wives and shrews of wives who long gave up and want to punish their hubbies because they may not have measured up to the fantasy that the wife once held. There are no princes and princesses in real life, kids. Only imperfect people trying to attain comforts and some sort of imagined perfection. It doesn't matter who you are and how well you complete a task, you still can fall short of a goal so long as one person wants to prevent you and you make the conscious decision to allow your will to be bent to another. This is not to say or give license to individuals to walk around with a chip-I do that sometimes-expecting the absolute worst and yielding nothing. I have a hard time with accepting gifts and compliments to this day for fear that they always come with strings attached, and those strings always mean I will pay more in the end.

When it Hurts
When it hurts I will cry inside though nary a tear will fall
When it hurts because you don't see the writing on the wall
When it hurts because if you do you care not for how I feel
When it hurts because I cared more for you in this cyclic wheel

When it hurts and I cannot bear no more
When it hurts and I want to leave out the door
When it hurts and my legs won't let me go
When it hurts for the pain I have is the pain they bestow

When it hurts each and every slap
When it hurts and you mock and clap
When it hurts to be taunted and teased
When it hurts despite no matter the pleas

When it hurts beyond comprehension to you
When it hurts and I still won't do it too
When it hurts because you know it's at end
When it hurts because this is all the "love" you send

When it hurts and I am no longer my self
When it hurts so bad that I start to yell
Then it has hurt more than this relationship can bear
And I will hurt once more, for some time, when I leave you alone there.

Be good to one another and harm none as you would not want done to you. Don't hold another accountable for the sins of the previous hurt. Don't punish unjustly. Wait until the anger has passed to collect your thoughts before you take any action. Think on things in the reverse as if the shoe was on the other foot. All these things we know and were taught and are written in every single bible and theological handbook on how to be towards one another. No one religion comes without their own wording of how to behave to all peoples around you. I hurt every time I see the fear in the eyes of the oppressed and the twisted thoughts of the oppressor who feels they are just. I have made my own mistakes and bad choices and will still make some more before I am through. But I try to not hurt or be malicious when I interact with adults and children and family and friends. Tolerance is the ability to not agree but respect and yield a little on both ends without anger or confrontation. Have some, have a heaping helping because the world is a sickly, cruel, cold and disgusting place without it.~ mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Pet Projects

as if I could take care of myself or my kid. Hell, if I could do that I'd have it made. But isn't it funny how taking on one more task sometimes may be the very thing one needs to do to appreciate the new days forward?

I have a new roommate. I have a small enough room as it is and not because it is small so much that I have to keep many things in it that would be considered not bedroom possessions. I live for the most part out of my room by choice as I suffer a different sort of OCD than my brother does. I'm a counter and organizer and hoarder and he's a cleaner and picker. Oil and water if you ask me but we manage without brawls or stitches! (lol) Well, back to the roomie. I have a small patch of floor no bigger than maybe five feet square and now my roomie occupies another foot square of it. She's tiny and sick. My brother's family's cat, Sophie, and her sister were his only two felines until I brought my five "kids". She never comes out  of the kids room and doesn't act social. Her sister keeps sentry over her as they have a way of protecting their own and this one needs so much right now. She hasn't been abused or neglected but she is used to being an outdoor cat and never was fixed. Her and her sister, Misty, were strays at one time and my brother being who he is took them in like I did my five. My hubby, Iggy, was a kitten from a litter of his some ten odd years ago.

The family hasn't done anything wrong, it's just that the critters are small for their kind. I believe originally they were the meek of the litter they came from outdoors a few years back, but now the roomie is even more small, gaunt and anemic from fleas carried in the usual way on clothing legs and the dog's tail. Her sister managed to thrive whereas she hasn't and now her only hope, with our meager incomes and inability to pay exorbitant veterinary bills is my skill at breathing life into the lifeless. Laugh if you will I have done it before. I have cured brown recluse bites that were told to be incurable without anti-venin and saved many a human critter from near death as well as the four-legged family members. I even have breathed life into an impotent man or two but that's another story (chuckles). She is very gaunt and lost most of her hair and body weight but has this will that amazes me and this pep that makes you believe she doesn't even know she's sick if it weren't for the pain she is in. Bro and I got a pet carrier and some supplies at my insistence and in my room is where she will stay until she is calm and de-stressed so she can handle the medication and treatment. She needs lipids and solid milk and vitamins and such to replace what she lost and a "no harassment" zone to keep her nerves down. I have been afraid of her since I have been here as she is not declawed and I am used to most of mine being declawed for their own protection as well as the protection of the kids. It doesn't help that she's anti-social but I understand how and why she is that way. It's a self defense mechanism because of her ailing state and she fears the enormity of entities in the house. Plain outright, cats don't adjust well to change. The funny thing is she clings to me for dear life growling her discomfort and her warnings of what she thinks she will do if I do something she disapproves of. She's all sulphur and fire and cute even without her hair and she has her moments where she gives in, albeit a little unyielding, and allows me to pet and inspect her and so on.

It's always the most brutally vicious and crotchety of animals that manages to wind up being the ones that gravitate to me. The same goes for my brother as he and I have always had that gift. His twin sister not so. And even dogs too come to think of it, which annoys the fuck out of me as I am not particularly a dog person but they sense it and all 100% are out on a campaign to "win me over" as they shove their wet icky faces onto my knees and look up at me as if that would ever work. It didn't for my own offspring and it certainly doesn't for dogs! They are smelly but that's because I am "put off" by their scents much in the same way a lot of people are put off by a cat box. Each will tout their own version of why their cat, dog, bird, fish, snake, insect, rodent is the best possible candidate to adopt. A pet is just that and my new pet project may be more than I was willing to do the last couple of months but we need each other. I need to feel a sense of accomplishment and help her because to look at her will make you cry. To hold her will make you weep and when she settles down and ceases her growling and looks at you contently and closes her eyes because she feels safe in your arms and comforted, she'll make you smile. She's got her won secret little friend even if her sister and her talk about me behind my back.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Valentine's Day Carol-ing

a tribute to the love of a hater's holiday...

Hark I see an ape with bling, damn that monkey on a string
I won't dress up no matter the miles and give in to the corporate styles
Joyful mommies wishing well, hubby's late so go to hell
With my most disdainful grace, get me the fuck right outta this place!

Holy crap their full of mad dashers lot trying to not forget their sot
But in the crashing down the queues shows how little they think on days
If she should know what lo behold, the shine would rub off soon the pretty mold
How the hell did we come to this? Lifting up my leg unlike a "miss priss"
  (ha you thought something else huh?)

My sadness grows on every moment lasting through until it passed
I hold my head in somber laughter knowing that they don't have a grasp
On what does matter upon this place, on what is important not frills and lace
They have all forgotten the other weeks here and other times throughout the year

Hark the corps and inc do make a merry boardroom to forsake
They got our money and "cattled" us in with no one to call them out for their sin!
We don't need to be told what to do or when to do it from them to you
We don't need to be led to the slaughterhouse, just take up arms and force them out!

Hark the peasants will rejoice and stave the greed and clear their voice
Hark the peasants will celebrate all the days of the year not just on "V" day!

"Hearts On" Finance!!

it would be remiss of me to have no disdain or nothing to say upon the close of the "lovers' day" that has come and gone. It would be remiss to not allow myself the freedom of speech to articulate everything that is wrong about this day as I see it...so without further ado...

There are three hundred and sixty-five days a year to which humans and the like should care enough to send the very best and get along. What we have here is a dictated "mouse go get the cheese" navigation from the big corporations who are trying to tell us when to buy this and that and so on. It drives up the price from what was around twelve dollars (US) a week ago to now thirty plus dollars for a dozen roses, and they don't look any better than they did a week ago. I don't need a special day to which I bestow my love for thee and thine. We all know I hate most everyone equally and effectually, but today of all days is a day to really show the morose consumerist bullshit that is a source of quite a bit of my disdain.

I can't say that greed is the root of all evil anymore than I can say lies are or murder is. But greed is something that perverts the soul and on days set aside to "remember" your loved ones, greed seems to be the driving force for many whether they/we plan it that way or not. How many men asked the loves of their lives to marry them today just because it was the penultimate red-pink-white days of hearts vomit? How many women put on makeup and pushed their size 20 ass into a pair of size 16 jeans and put on heels that they will be complaining about later for some added pity benefit? Why all the costume and farce? I am me 24/7 and I will continue to be me regardless of a bunch of roses and some chocolat and trinkets. I love jewelry and see some spectacular pieces that I would love to add to my trousseau, but I have more than I can ever wear as it is and don't need anymore. I want to downsize what I already have, only it is spread out between two storage units and a home and family's homes. I have nary spent a Valentine's Day in the arms of a beloved. Including the trappings attributed with the holiday, I can honestly say that only the once or twice I did it was because of the very fact of me mentioning to the last Mr. Mobe that I had nary spent a holiday with someone. It always appears as if either I or they are afraid to stick it out until the holidays. My birthday, Christmas, New Year's, Lobo's birthday, Superbowl (yes it's a holiday to me!) and then Valentine's Day all in the spread of 60 days! When I was married it was the "after" thought and the last moment approach so I would rather not have had then to be only though of in the last possible second. Hey, when you live with someone for a duration you'd think they would have a grasp of a fucking calendar and know when the damn day is coming and take care of any business ahead of time. Not so, we'd go tree-stand shopping several months before the opening of hunting season with one hubby, and concert tickets to the band of his choice at least thirty days in advance for the first, but never ever was anything had for me. Yes, I don't care for it. I never did even long before I was an adult filled with disappointment after disappointment.

The consumer approach never set well with me. I get what I need when I need it and I get what I want if I can afford to and if not, then I figure I don't need it. It makes life difficult for others to date me but I like to look at it like it should be making it easier. I'm not setting them up. I have no expectations when it comes to gift giving and would be more pleased with a handwritten promissory note for back rubs than a card from "Mallhark" that they didn't even read nor agree with. The flowers I buy myself when the whimsy takes me and the jewelry...you get the idea. I deserve more of a thought than some sweet lover to think of the last second on the very day set aside by dumb asses to push products to clean their coffers to put more shit up so they can tell me it's a "nationally green holiday" next! Every month has a holiday of major substance in it excepting August. You wanna know why? August the kids go back to school and most corporations know when they can stick their sticky fingers into our wallets and when they can't. So, we get "extra" bogus holidays thrown in when they can to garnish attention to the cars, cards, outfits, kitchenware, etc. they are trying to push. Think about it, we have three military holidays as if they want us to only remember it three times a year? I have family members who served and had they died in service I'm more than sure I would remember them every holiday and birthday and anniversary and so on until the end of time. I am willing to bet I would even think on them most days when just driving by the local store or someplace we shared. I don't need anyone to tell me when to lay flowers down or cash down to show my love and today I said I love you to my bear, as I have said it everyday we have spoken since we started saying it and he didn't bring me flowers (he can't because he works offshore) and I didn't buy him cologne or a video game. I ate pork chops and mac 'n' cheese with corn alongside my daughter and her two cousins so their momma and daddy can have some time alone together and go out to eat. It's a day. I'm thankful for the roses my brother gave me with a necklace and some chocolats. But I love him the other 364 days too!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Me vs Me

too much to do and not enough two's to get it done with.

I am still here and lacking and wanting. Makes me think of all the smarmy phrases I have heard. I have been judged and I have been weighed and I have been found wanting. No surprise there. I have yearned for something my whole life. I have pined for it even and I chastise myself for even thinking on the subject when it arises. No words or syllables can even convey it for I am not even sure of what I am looking for. I found "me" and what I am and what I came from and for that, I'm glad. At peace if you will, but now I still feel an emptiness and void to which has been there longer than the question of who or what I am. I should be happy as most won't even answer that first question in their lifetime. But I am not just somebody and I don't go around being happy or sad just because all the other lemmings jumped off that cliff.

I have always felt sudden lack of emotions and even believe to this day, even more so now too, that my mind is not built for praise of the human kind. I like it and crave it in mass doses. There are many times I have even foregone food and water and basic needs to tread through the metaphorical desert of opinion. The funny thing is I really don't hold much merit in what that opinion is, so I am at a loss for why I would crave it. I cook sometimes just for the benefit of giving it away and am devastated when my beliefs are not shared. I have made some real messes of culinary trash and found many politicking the quality of my work and turned out some of the most fabulous and innovative "temporary art," as I like to call it, only to find it spat out and "bah"ed at by the sheep. I understand not everyone can be pleased or are capable of it. Hell, I am no saint when it comes to opinion unless you consider the fact that I am honest, to a fault. I will scorn and scrape and scratch whatever I can to test its endurance or its validity. But I lack feeling on it. My scientific mind keeps me from "enjoying" the fruits of my labor as well as of others. I would be lying if I said I didn't ever want to see my name in marquee lights. And I can give you more examples of why I wouldn't like it, but I never can tell you it will never happen or that I would piss it away. I like the limelight, I just don't like the paparazzi or the questions that stem from that lifestyle. I pretty much am already a bit of celebrity amongst my doctors and family and even then I wish I wasn't. Lobo craves this acceptance too but I think she is stronger than I and more capable of handling the audience she will amass. Me on the other hand, I lament for those days but with hesitation and as I get closer to my own end, I feel my chances are fewer so I am more apt to throw caution to the wind and attempt feebly at jumping from the springboard, without checking to see if the pool is filled with water. There are so many recipes and stories and poems and songs and even artwork I have done. It fills a walk-in closet shoved into valets and totes and attaché cases and such. I do all my own decorating for the most part and find the things my hands produce to be of the finest quality. I have been told so on more than one occasion and yet, I still am afraid. Not of rejection but of the overwhelming life altering acceptance. I like me and that me will be a different me. To only have a struggling conflict of infamous proportion! lmao-maybe tomorrow will be better.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Old Movies and Voids

there's always something to say yet never enough time to say it. My hands may type fast but they'll never type as fast as my head thinks so I lose a lot in the process of things. Censorship will take the rest and what is left is well... drivel.

No one likes to be censored it just happens. I don't plan on it and don't even plan on how I write excepting one constant. I write what is on my mind and they way I speak it in my head so if it all seems a mess, well just deal with it. At least there's never a dull moment. I just don't know how to "feel" on some days. I am trying to keep busy and don't think five cats and a sick kid won't help on that fact, but I just have these moments where I am void of all funny or cool though despite smiling secretly to myself and thinking back on the activities. Writer's block be damned! I just don't feel it today. Too much on my mind and too cold from the inside out despite the comfy climate here. My stomach is in knots and not from food. My head aches from no ill and my heart feels heavy without the burden of bad diet. Chasing a cat's tail is what it is. I feel like I'm turning circle after circle after circle. There is some great seed growing of accomplishment that I have yet to do. I know what it is and still I am crippled with apprehension. Movies don't do life justice unless they are the old sappy black and whites. The big productions and the hopes and dreams of the young actors and actresses. So why cannot my life be so wonderfully beautiful? It is already black and white in its darkness. Where is my Michel Maynard to sail to me from Madeira because he misses me so? (lead male character played by Charles Boyer in the movie "Love Affair" with Irene Dunne) Either way I may just lack enough ambition to get there. Random as they come are the thoughts of the thoughtful.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Technotards and Protractors

the technotard has struck again! Yes, kiddies, there are new changes to the blog site. I am navigating treacherous waters without a lifebuoy or vest and no damn nautical equipment in sight!

I am not an inept individual. It's just that I want this really to work out in the long run as Lobo and I would like to gain our independence back. I don't expect a blockbuster movie or seven book wizard franchising deal turned motion picture. I would like things to function and people out there to get my message. I know it isn't the greatest news in the world. Imagine a paper completely made of slander and whimsical and obscure notations on the shortcomings of all. Pretty bitter shit but we all know here how I operate and what makes for good news and entertainment! On the edge of the bed with my thick birth control glasses and pocket protector, I set out to do some minor improvements to help people feel it is a more "friendly" environment. I like the comments. I even like insults-more so if they have merit. I just want all my guys and dolls to feel free to like this or not and express themselves in a fashion they have become acquainted with. If they want to share it with other friends of theirs all the better. Technotard pulled up above the waist, beanie on, protractors to measure specific pixel elements and height and widths of page tabs and links and such! Argg! It is mind boggling. I might even get around to figuring out the damn camcorder I bought to bring you some fine examples of "disdain" in action. (crosses fingers)

So tonight the blog is dedicated to the pencil and paper that didn't get used. I have poems and songs and philosophy galore all done in graphite and pulp. But now in this day and age it comes to pass that I can spread my particular brand of sunshine (hee hee) in a more suitable fashion! Below you will find a place for comments and aside to the right a share link as well as social links and a Facebook "like" button. Feel free to express however you see fit, without threats of bodily harm of course, and I will do my best to immortalize those that have merit and such. Infinitely and positively yours, mobe~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

My Hubby Iggy

it doesn't bode well to be so damn murderous and hateful but it does make for some fun times. I sit here night after night, even on the ones I miss a post or two and listen to the purrs of my "hubby" in his jealous loving tirade as he insinuates his self between me and my computer. There isn't a stitch of my clothes or bed or computer table that isn't infested by his little black and white hairs and I wonder what in the hell someone like me could have done to deserve such brutal loyalty and love.

He's devoted to me. So are the rest, even the only girl as silly as she is in her fickle like for men. But Iggy is my mate for life and we are both just riding it out in a comfortable numb wondering who will go first. I pray not him as it will devastate me but me thinks he will suffer my loss as equally mournful as I his. Even our adopted princely son will worry where his momma went. How do we manage to get so close to our pets like this but never quite that close to others of our own or similar kind? Is it the blind offering of love and acceptance and tolerance and respect? I have popped one or more on the nose a time or two for being a shit and yet, they still worship me! I wish I could get that kind of love from the men that have come and gone in my life, even my own family. And there he lies along my thigh all pristine white excepting his dirty black patches and coiled up with his paws just nuzzling the fat that touches the bed. I have moved my self several times and he never bitches or whines, just waits and resumes his place at my side as if I would disappear right before his eyes. I wonder if he will know when my time comes before I do if I go first. He knew when my boyfriend called today and started purring like a champ and trying to push the phone out of my hand as if to say he didn't think it was fair I was spending all that time not petting him!

I have found my happy place with him and his tolerance of my simple disdain. I have given him a home and a clean coat and a bed and conversation and food and medicine. I follow him and protect him fiercely and he returns the favor should ever a spider decide red hair is sexy enough to walk on! Don't laugh! I seem to have this magnetism for spiders and other arachnids like scorpions. They crawl along the ceiling towards me and when I move out of their impending path they move again, towards me. I have even arose to find one surprised he reached my head all to quickly! Iggy doesn't let it get to that point anymore. He senses it creeps me out and I never had to ask him for the favor. He saw a need and a job opening and decided he would just do it and see if it lasts. He warns me where they are and even catches them if they are foolish enough to investigate his existence. I haven't been stalked by a spider in years. I haven't had a cool thigh in years. I haven't had clothes free of little kitty hairs in years. And lastly, I haven't needed a hanky or tissue in years as he loves to comfort me and feel my tears pour onto his silken fur as if I am the salt of his life!~mobe's love for her all and her all for her loves.

The Civilized World

from the dawning of civilization there have been a peoples to which felt themselves entirely responsible for the rising of the sun and moon. Today this is there story.

At some point in the whole theory of things there was a man and a woman. This man was tired from the first birthing of himself that he sat down and decided he would invent television and games to entertain himself after he elects others to mow the grass and clean the pool. He watched morning noon and night at all other man-like creatures as they spent their days passing about animal hides filled with air or rolling around rocks with sticks. This man creature had he a woman. She was bored and tired of washing their clothing on a rock and their dishes in the pond that she sought out the weaker and inferior men who would sit without the tv and remote most of their kind were so fond of and ponder the sciences and fantasies to make themselves superior to their other counterparts. Even these analytical men were bored with life and chased all things with two legs and breasts provided that the breasts were symmetrical and the legs were lean.

The perfect woman didn't want the perfect man and the tall women would rather have the short ones as did the tall men. Each had free will but somehow, one day on vacation, they both stumbled across a book. Rather a library full of books and began reading. The each read little by little only stopping to scratch and eat and defecate and tickle each other's fancy. But soon they would lose interest in all things procreative and strive to bring to one another's attention the stories they learned from these books and their perception of what they felt all this writing had meant. Days soon turned into weeks and months and eventually years. The men grew old and the women grew fat and gray and when they found they had read all their forward facing eyes could behold, they set out to spread this knowledge. Each person passing by would get the story of what we were put here for and the rules as the reader/teller had speculated them to be. Not one corner of the earth was overlooked in this venture until finally resting in the North Americas they came to believe they had the secrets to a better way of living.

Man as a whole failed to recognize the true title of the books to which they spent the bulk of their days. The "Joy of Sex" was actually a book called "How to Disrupt the Females and Make an Ass Out of Yourself" and "To Kill a Mockingbird" really was a cookbook for the cannibals in Central America circa pre- 20th Century AD. They never realized that life itself was, is and always will be the art of dying gracefully. They didn't get the hidden message that we need to leave as little a ripple on the waters of life as possible. We need to be part of and not ruler of this place we don't own. It is a large graveyard and nothing more. Pick a space as they are running short fast-if you don't believe me take a gander at the Philippines and how they dig up carcasses after a year to burn them to open up a new plot to bury the next generation in. It's a macabre existence we live in but at least I know I do my best, how about you?~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

I Don't Know Dick!

what I could know on any subject can be generalized and fill a room. I know plenty but do sometimes have trouble articulating things in a manner of organized thought, so I seem to appear as banal as an hour long sea lion adventure where they all nap. I write music and prose and haiku and philosophy and even biography. I have been told I need to find one topic and stick with what I know. I did. I know human kind and what is boring and wrong and intricate and obtuse about it. I find most things really annoying about the topic of the top of the food chain and I perceive them to be the element of stain, a mar on the planet itself for their morose over-consumerism and unwillingness to conserve anything but their own physical energy.

Never has there been a species so hell-bent on finding ways to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I think back on the old Disney (yes, kiddies I used momma's most hated dirty word!) archive film reels on the "future" and how some toaster will pop out of the cabinet all by itself and walk to the refrigerator and grab two slices of bread and slightly burn them only to go back to the cabinet and fetch peanut butter and jelly and spread them "just so" on the cooked bread and then walk, yet again, to you and chew it and regurgitate it into your mouth and massage your esophagus in the hopes that gravity will finish the job of drawing the food downward into your stomach where, god forbid, your body will internally...here it comes...go to work! We even made bread slicing machines! Golly gee dad? What do we need knives for anymore?? We would reinvent the wheel if some dumb sucker would suggest it (oops! damn-it I had to open my fucking mouth) and get the masses to back it up. No one listens anymore. No one pays attention to details or what their bodies are telling them to do. No one pays attention to their kids or their possessions, and no one gives enough thought on the person lying next to them let alone the sucker next door. I know enough about social evolution from the last almost half century to tell you that your peoples are not getting smarter. If this whole fucking place blows up or is infected compliments of your local elected officials, will you know how to light a fire with a stick and some lint and a piece of string?? *walks off to her kitchen to get a coffee she made using a press and not something that plugs in!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves

Individuals: Part 12

hourly tickings of the clock tell me of the days gone past and the days I will never see. Doctors have warned me of my life's choices and how they will affect my futures, but even they couldn't be sure of the insecurities of the unknown. The only constant is knowing who I am and what puts a smile on my face.

It was brought to my attention today that there are all sorts of miracles happening for those that want them in the medical sciences. The attainment of these miracles is entirely up to you and what lengths you will go to and how much the miracles mean to you. You play the starring role in curing what ails you. If you need a leg they will grow you one out of your own DNA. If they can't achieve that goal they will fashion you the latest state of the art one technology can come up with at the time. Bipeds are infinitely unique. There are variances and many species and all are created perfectly by design. It was proposed to me that with all this science and technology they can find a cure for "what ails me."

As a genetically different biped form of what I call the human stain, I find it objectionably ignorant to think that I would change something that is not broke by design. I am tired of being told I ail of a rare disease or a genetic "DIS" order. There is no disorder here. The lacking was indeed there but not on my account. The society to which my upbringing fell was lacking in knowledge to raise one such as I. I cannot get stem cell research no matter to which country I flee to get it as they would have to repair the whole entity. Every single cell in this body is foreign to their sciences making me different. Not superior, excepting in thought in my own opinion, and not inferior, except after all these years of abuse to the body-physically-trying to act like you. I admire the man's willingness to want to fix me and at the same time snub my nose at his attempts to declare me defective. Is not a fish defective when brought out of the sea for it's failure to thrive in the hot day's sun without water in which to breathe through its gills? Does it need "fixing"? Well I don't need fixing either. I was not born unto the sea or the sun. I don't thrive well in low elevation or light. I cannot breathe when the sun is above the horizon and shriek (quietly) in pain when a light is turned on indoors. Am I defective? I am not human and yes, I agree my body hasn't worked at all well trying to live "out of water" by their standards. But seriously, do you think you would breathe well in the toxic fumes of Venus or be warm by the variable of light on the rocky surface of Mars?

I ask for respect as I give. I pray to the gods that are above that knowledge will open the eyes of the "blind" man and that wisdom shall fall upon the heads of every one of you who would label and hunt my kind through the centuries. I am a learned woman and have been "shown" that I am not by wealthy and taught medicine men who think they are gods. I have a complex and I am schizophrenic. The words depressed and manic and suicidal and even agoraphobic have been bantered about. I have been identified as obese, insane, genius, savant, maladjusted and paranoid. I am plagued with the very same seven deadly sins as all human-like creatures are. But I am not broke and I no longer malfunction as I have finally come to an awareness through your medicine and technology that few ever will be able to achieve. I have lived as I should for the most of my adult life when it abled me to do so. I tried so hard to put this square triangle into an obtuse circular hole (yes, I know how unusual that sounds) and found myself not ever able to fit in. In a selection of words, I am far from my sea and now must journey to a "sea" that fits or die in your world misunderstood and provoked. ~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Cough, cough: 2nd Day

aye. Aye! I'm still at it. I was contemplating writing the whole damn thing in "sickie" mode so you can feel my pain but that would be cruel. (snickers...id nodd add if i coont when my node id stuffd up like dis and my ears hurd tho bad!)

The only time I think we "vampires" suck is when we are sick. We make the same blood curdling noises of the "schleeuck" when we inhale the snot to prevent the un-courtesy of it trickling down from our nasal cavities like a four year old. The feel of it pulling back is brutal and I think the fates meant it that way so as to teach us not to do it, and if I get my hands on the asshole that initiated the concept that it is rude to blow your nose in public and far better to suck it in, I will choke the living shit out of them for their audacity! Thank the gods we don't have the pointy ears most would attribute to our kind otherwise we would suffer far worse the earaches like the one I have now. Today I sucked in a lot of sickness goo and each time my ears popped it was bloody murder and made me want to kill something just for the sake of it. I ate a homemade brownie for breakfast as chocolat is a main staple of my diet for its sugar-energy effect and its caffeine rush. I was hurled over the porcelain god worshiping his almighty of "cruelty" within ten minutes of consumption of one of my favorite treats! Cinnamon laced double dark fudgey dense brownies! I am still hard up for one again even though I know it will make me ill again. Being the glutton for punishment, I did consume another bit of heaven with a dose of chocolat almond chip ice cream and hot fudge just to show my stomach who is boss around here! Woe is me!

I accomplished much and did nothing today but suck in snot and blow my nose and fetch pizza for the hungry beast that is my ravenous daughter. Shit, she's sick too and can eat a side of cow when she is and I can't stomach motion sickness or loud noise and lights or breathing. Hard to believe we're from the same family tree, let alone species, with the way she eats. I'm glad, though, as she is healthy and it shows I am a good momma kitty when it comes to my kit. Anyhoo...I'm thoroughly hungry and know there's some critter not safe when this "bug" is over and I want meat and raw meat and lots of it. I can't spend football Superbowl Sunday like this. How else can a creature of the night celebrate gratuitous sexy man-beasts all bent over and crunching into one another for a little piece of the parts we discard-the hides??~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves. (sniffles)

Cough, cough

have you ever seen a sick vampire? Or even a sick werewolf? No? The reason is because we hide in secret ourselves away to heal quietly amongst the darkness where only the owls and insects can witness our torment!

We get sick sure enough. Not as often as most of the other bipeds do. We get colds and viruses and germs along with the rest of the world. All creatures get sick, we just think more devious shit when we do. Like how to knock off ourselves and take a few souls with us for entertainment on the journey to hell. I am not so miserable as to believe that I won't make it. I just get angry at being so weak to things so small and mundane that cannot even read and write. It's kinda the same disdain I have for human folk. Chances are if I'm sick my little one will be too, if not beforehand. And that means I rarely have time to withdraw, as would be proper, and heal. I have to assume the role of mom and nurse and nanny when she ails as she is still learning our ways and how to heal what ails her. If I can't heal it or stitch it or set it, then it's pretty bad. I get overwhelmed when I cannot fix the things I know and expect I should be able to. You think a doctor gets mad when they can't figure out a proper diagnosis?!? (like the 38 years it took to figure out mine and I ultimately had to lead the asses to water and kick the donkey nuts on 'em to make them drink and now they take the credit!) Try being the one with all the right answers and then have none when you need one! I feel like shit today and even feel useless as I cannot stop the sinus and headache and body aches I am suffering with. I finally caved in and took some medicines to alleviate the symptoms and know I will ride whatever it is out as I always do.

Life is a slow death process. As women get older we break down. It all starts with the tolerance level for whining and then the bladders go on those of us that have given vaginal births, no matter how many Kegel exercises we do. We cough, we pee; we cry, we pee; we sneeze, all hell breaks loose. There aren't enough feminine products to block the leaks and not enough tissue to plug the nose and eyes from draining. I am not crying to the choir here just stating the facts. As a species, I have survived death not once but a dozen times from the elements and accidents I have participated in life. Sickness and germs even. The difference is the treatment to which I have as a regime. I will not succumb to medicine, excepting a last resort, and you will find me suffering and whimpering in silence while I drink my teas and chew on toast and starve the hell out of myself. I have obligations tomorrow and woke up with what I call "squid face" which is the epitome of snot goo covering the regions of the eyes and nose and upper lip. Add to that the headache from hell and the feeling like someone is either pulling a golf ball down from the skull and out the nose, or that squid is sucking my face to the point of suffocation. The problem is the speed to that which has taken control of my body. I am miserable and wish for an aerie filled with sacks of firm downy feathers and a cool breeze and comforter and endless supply of teas and chocolat and wine. I want it dark and icy and quiet music in the background. Of course my computer shall be there should I feel the need arise to share my experience with all and the tv should I get bored of hearing the same music over and over again. Don't climb up to the loft or disturb the heathen inside. Just wait for my call or my flight from suffrage and know you did good and can live another day! Lol~mobe's love to her all (cough, sneeze, cough) and her all to her loves.

Captain Oh Captain

amazed doesn't even come close to the shock I am feeling right now. I think it has something to do with this hot humid winter weather we have here in Florida. Either way I am baffled and disturbed and even lonesome for one in particular.

I am trying real hard to get my debts caught up and save some cash to gain my independence back. It isn't easy and I knew it wouldn't be but I feel like I'm running in circles. I have too much money going to pay out for credit cards and medical. I barely have anything left and I feel like a complete failure. I lost my home when my marriage ended and don't know how long I will have medical insurance per my agreement with my ex who I am on good terms with. He's a pain in the ass sometimes but he has a good heart even if it's a little shady. So I sit and rummage through the pile of envelopes and the ledger and the check book and see what's in store for the monthly future. Bleak. Bleak as all hell would be deemed if it were here. Nothing but darkness and boredom with red lines everywhere. I am too young to go down like this and too old to start over. My life cycle is near it's end and I'm beckoned to comply with everyone's wishes in that I stick it out. But when does the captain get to say "Fuck it" and abandon ship??

I have been told I am not allowed to think "ill" of myself and the word failure keeps ringing in my head. I should have been this or that or whatever and I pissed it all away for the moment and the feel and pleasure of things. Not in material gain but "mood" altering things like music and sex and yes, the occasional smoke and such. I wanted more out of life and am not disappointed that it didn't culminate. It's just not fair to my offspring when I wanted to give her so much and now am just able to feed and clothe her without any entertainment to give us something to hope for or break the monotony of the daily grind. Maybe this is why I need three "head" doctors. Maybe I am just complaining a little too much and should be thankful, which I am. I want peace and contentment now but my prognosis says it isn't to be. Jealousy sets in for there are many others to which have no problem lying and cheating and skating their way through life on the seat of their pants and get to "retire" and take a break and go enjoy their kids and friends when they choose. I, on the other hand, made few friends and have few relatives I still call and besides me and mini me and the cats, there is no enjoyment or retirement to be had. I still have to work and claw and gnash and fight for every little crumb. Jealousy it is on the wheel of fate and it will make for a rough sea unless I can shed this and get some thing, some glitter of hope and revelation to cling to as motivation.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Individuals: Part 11

malevolence and hardship come easy. I am not Nosferatu and not vampire. I am not a raver, sanguinarian, eclectic or energy anything. I am Wamphyri and we are real. Eastern European mountains are the highest on the earth and are where you will find the remains of my ancestors aloft on their aeries and buried in the hills therein.

It perturbs me to listen to the sinisterly romanticism of an existence that should be as tolerated as easily as race by now. I am not a member of the humanic tribes of this world and deserve a rightful place amongst all the higher order of creatures. Not to be studied as if some insubordinate rat or vermin, but to be accepted and free. Freedom is a word so thrown about but never fully understood by any human until you are hunted by fear and allowed no mercy by your pursuers. I just stumbled across a site on here that summons my existence as thus:


Definition of the Vampire
(Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, 1913 Edition)


Vampire (Page: 1593)
Vam"pire (?), n. [F. vampire (cf. It. vampiro, G. & D. vampir), fr. Servian vampir.] [Written also vampyre.]

1. A blood-sucking ghost; a soul of a dead person superstitiously believed to come from the grave and wander about by night sucking the blood of persons asleep, thus causing their death. This superstition is now prevalent in parts of Eastern Europe, and was especially current in Hungary about the year 1730. 2. Fig.: One who lives by preying on others; an extortioner; a bloodsucker. 3. (Zoöl.) Either one of two or more species of South American blood-sucking bats belonging to the genera Desmodus and Diphylla. These bats are destitute of molar teeth, but have strong, sharp cutting incisors with which they make punctured wounds from which they suck the blood of horses, cattle, and other animals, as well as man, chiefly during sleep. They have a caecal appendage to the stomach, in which the blood with which they gorge themselves is stored. 4. (Zoöl.) Any one of several species of harmless tropical American bats of the genus Vampyrus, especially V. spectrum. These bats feed upon insects and fruit, but were formerly erroneously supposed to suck the blood of man and animals. Called also false vampire. Vampire bat (Zoöl.), a vampire, Vampyrus spectrum

...it sickens me to listen to the "learned" man's view of who or what I am. More so when I see their kind flock like sheep and pretend in some staged farce of what it means to be in this existence! I wish we could "turn" a few of the learned peoples so that they may use the scientific evidence they gain to rewrite history and mythology about what the Wamphyrii are. It is of no surprise that they perceive us to be vile and evil when all of them fear the dark, so fantasize some heroic dark angel that they can identify with. The Christian guilt allows them to ride in this story-line only so long as they absolve their desires by labeling (libel) my kind as evil and of the "devil" or damned. Kind of like giving children crack cocaine and telling them it is ok to snort, smoke and inject it so long as they know it's evil and feel guilty about it and report every Sunday to the Christian deitous house to tell the tales of how good it was, and every other day to the learned ones who will record the comings and goings of the guinea pig that is man and their offspring. I have no desire to pretend to be human or partake in their rituals excepting as was raised unjustly and even then, I knew I was not of this element.

I get a double kick out of how the human stain that plagues this world equates my kind as being super-pseudo sexual beings and to emulate my kind is to be harlots and heathens and bed with any and all indiscriminately. Grant you our preferences in the indulgences of sexuality are perceived as more depraved and less inhibited than our similar biped species, but by no means are we incapable of monogamy or celibacy. I write this today because it appeals to me to educate the young men and women who are by birth human and ignorant and believe what their computers and television sets and uninformed reference tell them. When I was young there were nine planets and now it is accepted it isn't so and science and history have been rewritten. Give us our due! Throughout history there have been many a creature hunted to extinction and put on a watch list or protection order. And none have fewer numbers than Wamphyrii. It would be nice to see all peoples tested and my kind sought out and heralded for individuality rather than deprived fantasy. Myth is the incapable abling to communicate what crimes were done to wipe out an existing species or to explain away religiously forced fears with no basis or merit.

I challenge everyone to research for four decades like I have done on what EPP {(erythropoietic protoporphyria) note: not all porphyria is EPP nor genetic and EPP is the only true genetically linked disease to the myths of old and even it is split in two, one genetic branch and one non} is and how it has come to be and where the term Wamphyri (pronounced: wawm-feer-ee) comes from. To the scientific world: Get a damn clue and accept us for what we are and allow us the freedom to exist harassment free in a culture suited to our kind.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Thinking on Mother

this is personal to me. Beyond that bitter and sweet too. For what a tale is what I have come from and I'm sure a few can relate, if even in shock at these words...

Happy birthday to a mother dear not there and far away~Happy birthday to one who didn't want me here and tried to fix in her own way

Happy birthday to a woman who was cruel for when I got a "B"~ I earned a black and blue on every place you could reach

When no one looked or was around~I thank you kindly for beating me down

The darkest closet wouldn't break my soul~And the fear you tried could not take hold

Happy moment for the bitter hate~All the frustration bearing on your gate

Hell has a place for the sinners on earth~Happy birthday with a smile of mirth

I could not would not please you so~So fucking unwanted and made your foe

How a child born to hurt could still hold head proud~And scream from a distance "Happy Birthday" aloud

I have a scar I see everyday~Upon silver backed glass my face does say

Great thank yous for the reminders of how not to be~On the torn and scarred lip that you gave me at three

I'm all grown up and the pain is long past~When my precious angel does wrong I'm stead fast

With curt words and a pause that calms an angry heart~Before I discipline and shred her apart

What a day you have before you all alone and sick~With a heart that's dying fast and barely able to tick

Do you think of all your choices and the tortures that you made~Are you pissed your P.O.M.* survived your vengeful tirade

I don't know what you wanted though I still do think on it~And I ponder what a baby child could have done when I sit

To make you oh so angry enough to raise a hand~A board, a belt, a fist, a knife, whatever that you can

And I want you to know this early morning on your very special day~It only took me nearly forty years to figure with dismay

That I only cried in agony and not to make you feel~Like a wretched failure of a mother with an under appreciative little eel

My once loyal loving thoughts were dried up with my tears~Each and every single time I shed them through the years

There will be no call or card this day to let you know I care~My heart had freed up long deadened space for those that need it there

...For those not in the know that read I am the little eel~A title given by mother's mouth and meant to make me feel

Like I had failed her some way some how in all I was as born~A title given to her babe all full of loving scorn

And P.O.M. I spent four decades counting time in womb~On your sixtieth birthday I am freed from your hateful tomb

No more a "Prisoner Of Mom"* to cry alone on darkest nights~Without a candle's glowing flame I salute you free of light

A creature born of mortal woman and cursed to wake at dusk~Your not human child you gave to the world felt fit to remember you thus

Happy birthday yes indeed you got your magic wish~And drove away the four good things and emptied up the dish

Of accomplishments and legacies you would have had been diff~I send to you my happy thoughts as your last one lonely gift

...there isn't more loving a daughter who was ever as loyal as I was for so many years. Always trying to please her and everyone and everything. It sounds so surreal to me when I hear myself say truthfully how honest and obedient I was. It wasn't difficult as I had no choice, for the only option besides compliance was the threat of death. I was drowned and stabbed and beat and neglected and starved as a punishment for being born. I still today have issues with hearing a child cry because I was taught not to do so on penalty or capital punishment. I think on the veterans and the abused children and any Prisoner Of Hate and how we all share some sick and twisted cosmic fate. I still love the bitch and am thankful for being born no matter the circumstances. My birth allowed me to bring forth a beautiful baby Wamphyri, a new born who was accepted and understood far beyond what mortal human stain can fathom. For that I am still loyal to the bloodlines that she gave me, nothing more. I am no longer angry or ashamed or even sad. I have my answers and can focus on what's left of what I have. My Lobo and my four-legged(s) that are loyal and loving to a fault. I discipline and even have raised a hand or two but never when I was a menacing angry brawler. I miss the mom I never had~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.