Condition of Mankind

in the condition of mankind, it would appear it only takes two fucking Cheerios (people) to agree with one another before the whole bowl decides to connect in some twisted bodily chasm of a helix...

It doesn't matter that neither of the two original grains of thought are accurate, just the agreement is sufficient. This is the basis and fundamental core value of how the different political, ecological, theological, theoretical, parties exist upon. I can make up a complete lie and sell it so perversely as to getting one person to believe me and before you know it, the whole town can live that lie...perpetuate it as fact...

You see, nothing IS black and white. There is always going to be three sides to a story. Theirs, yours and the unbiased facts and truths the two of you want to cover up for your own personal gain.

This coming year should be about rebuilding a brother/sisterhood of all peoples. We are long past ignorance and there are few who can claim true ignorance as their own (malady) when there is so much information readily available...We have no excuses. We know what color we bleed and the color of the blood of the animals and people and plants...we know how to create life, reproduce life and to snuff life out...now what will you do in the coming year?

"Time escapes me. It escapes the you in life and the echo that was you...
   ...and it leaves trace so that you can 'memember
the cherished moments or reckon with the past.
What you do with your time...
...that is your mark, your legacy..."

~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Alzheimer's And The Many Ways It Haunts

Alzheimer's is a shitty disease for most and a blessing for others...

If you are a miserable fuck throughout your life it can turn you into a pleasant comedian or even an exhibitionist...it's funny like that. I have seen both sides of the spectrum of how it affects the "host" and both sides of how it affects the family of that person...

I took care of my grandmother, dad's mom. I took care of her and her ailing husband. And I have seen things no teenager should have. The future, things that happen to the body and mind. And it was awful. Alzheimer's hasn't "set in" yet with gramma and while grandpa was a man of few words...what he said was law. Remarkably, my affection for him is still strong. He hit me once when I was kid...it was dinnertime, a holiday and he was losing his hearing then and thought he heard me say a curse word and backhanded me leaving a bloody lip. I was mortified. I idolized him, just as I did my parents. He didn't apologize. He didn't understand what was wrong with him and that he was wrong. It would be quite some time before he would say it. Gramma was different. She was slipping. Grandpa was capable of correcting his mistakes and apologizing when he acquired all the facts and realized his mistake. She wasn't. She was insane. I can't recall a time when she wasn't overbearing, and when Alzheimer's took her she became pleasant. She was even a little dirty and it was lovely to see this prim and uptight witch behave so. And way better than her beating on me or taking a strap to me because she "thinks" I was fucking around with boys when I was at work...mind you I was an A-D-U-L-T when she did this! But I still loved her, misplaced family loyalty and such...

Gramma had gotten real forgetful after Pop Pop died. She and he hated one another but also were so codependent upon each other that they were lost...I remember going to the hospital when he took ill the last time (heart problems) and would smuggle in food and such. He was dying. He knew and even as young as I was I knew it. I wanted him to be content and happy. And he was so thankful. "Timberly, you were always the good one. You love your grampa..." He could never pronounce my name correctly because of some bar fight decades ago where he lost one of his sets of teeth and my grandmother made him go without as a punishment for "falling off the wagon." Bitch. He had just the uppers for 40years not wanting to accrue more wrath from the hag...But back to her. I really grew to like her those last 5 or so years. It was the moments when she was completely coherent that I dreaded...She would call me a whore if I stayed late at work to close the facility not understanding that we had to wait for the customers to leave not force them out sharply at closing time. She'd lock me out of the house shouting "Pig! Harlot!" and mind you I was still a virgin at this time. She once told me she would never love me as much as my siblings because she believed I wasn't her son's. Nice gal? I was tore down. I lost two of my best friends, my grampa and my Uncle Al and was left with her. And she tore me down faster than a car off of a cliff.

There have been people in nursing homes who are struck with this disease that are miserable. They had stellar lives and loving families and communities and when it all started slipping away they became aggressive and miserable and combative trying everything they can to cling to the good times. Charlotte didn't have that. She was miserable her whole life because of some things horrid that happened to her in her youth and young adult lives. She forgot all the pain and torture and forgot how worthless she felt she was and became this hilarious and macabre seductress trying to get my dad to bed her (big mistake naming your kids "juniors") and would mistake me for her long lost dead sister. With me she wanted to play and with my dad and his wife she wanted to be disobedient but she was cute about it. I am thankful she went peacefully. We all were and I lament for those who had to sit and watch their kin fall apart.

...no one sees what this does to the family. We see the sad commercials but not the abuse the family goes through. Whether abuse from a parent losing it and being combative or the abuse from a parent retaining their natural ill-nature. We suffer, immensely. I felt torn down. I was torn down by the shrew long before she lost it and that memory of her is still stronger than the last few years of comic relief...*sitting at the breakfast table and she decides to do a one-woman venue with a banana, rubbing it between her breasts and performing fellatio for whoever's benefit and then sliding it under the table...we all got up and left. Laughing...no one stopped her because we figured if anyone needed some action it was gramma...

And now...

I am faced with the possibility of doing this all over again. I got "the" call. My father's older half sister is bonkers. Her and I haven't spoke since Lobo was one and Lobo is almost 18 now...She's just like her mother *shakes violently at the thought...nothing is good enough for her. Nothing ever was. Her own single child, a son, doesn't want shit to do with her. And Dad calls and says he can't trust anyone else. I was flattered but at the same time annoyed. The fact that her own son and my other 3 siblings aren't valid candidates either by their own choice or my father's? I agree Kathy is a train wreck (my older sister...on more head-meds than Hugh Hefner is on Viagra and Cialis) but surely my younger sister and brother (both nurse/companions? would be better-suited? And her own son, Addy (Addison), what beef does he have with his mom that he would let her rot in an old-folks home?? My mind is reeling. I am going back to that frightened little child place with misplaced family loyalties and fear that if she doesn't die soon, I will...from a well placed rope in the rafters of her garage...and STILL thinking on doing this for her.

Our falling out was stupendous. Over trivial shit I don't even recall. She said something about me breaking her heart because I chose my hubby (1st hubby-Lobo's dad) over her. She said I was the daughter she never had and that I broke her heart because I didn't always agree with her and give her her own way. I never "fought" with her...I was passive aggressive, learned that early on as a type of self-defense...Like my mom and my father's mother she was the pushy type. If you didn't use the same foods and the same insurance and the same gas and drive the same car and go to the same movies or listen to the same music...you get the picture...and they (mom and gramma) would set me up for finding abusive men who expected things always to be their way...(my weak male role models would lead me to teetering back and forth between an overly assertive and abusive fuck and some weak-willed simpleton who can't do shit for themselves...)...I did miss her and didn't hate her. I just let the ties dangle. I never called and never spoke. She was one of many reasons I didn't celebrate (and still don't) the Easter/Christmas/Thankgiving/New Year's holidays with...I do my own thing. I made my own traditions free from violence and abuse and arguments and shit...(or tried to)..

...so now, I am faced with uprooting Lobo from her school, packing my shit (yet again) and the expenditures of moving that I don't have the monies for, to a home I haven't set foot on in over decade and don't know what condition it is in, to care for a woman who could care less about me, who may die leaving me homeless again and unable to move...and having to put up with a fair amount of her shit...I think I have that right...lols...I'm overwhelmed and pissed off and frustrated...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Submitted Pain

Submitted Pain

I'm accustomed to your face

 addicted to your frown

there's a need not to replace

 the familiar that I've found

and I go so very far, through rains and lightening bolts

 and I go so very far to the thunderous threatening jolts

if I could just erase

 all the tears I've shed and felled

where once stood a mighty place

 are the oceans ruptured swells

and I go so very far, through the rains and lightening bolts

 and I go so very far to the thunderous threatening jolts

as you hook me up and down

 and secure me tightly wound

all my fears are falling down

 there is nothing left I'm bound

and I go so very far, through the pain and treacherous volts

 and you take me way too far, with electric punished jolts

and I go so very far, running through rains and lightening bolts

 never turning back thus far, as I bullet like a colt

from your treacherous volts...from the pain and treacherous volts

~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Let's Get Something Straight...

been climbing out of chasms in my head...not of a poet's mindset but just existing in the living and dead simultaneously...I welcome all new haters and the "secret" admirers to my wall...it's an artist's mural of tears (the largest fluidity of paint) and spit and sweat and blood and even a little piss and defecate matter...It is a living mural of happiness at the cost of others, sadist tendencies and crude/whorish behavior...so to say the very least, it is my own drawing from the life-forces around me and the pieces of this great puzzle that I have.

It isn't meant to be completely be your cup of tea. The blog isn't either, for a true writer doesn't write for you but for themselves...you "liking" it is a pleasant side-effect and nothing more...We write to free our mind of the garbage that inhabits this filthy place and most, write so they don't implode...I write to keep my fat ass out of jail...I won't do good with the feed they serve down here in the penal system...I am spoiled beyond belief; wine, finest chocolat, rich and decadent dishes from lands afar, pastries and all manner of good eats! (Alton & Mario would be proud...*giggles)

...what I have here is a collection of "philosofree" and "poetme" and "short whories" abounds...I will bash and beat everyone. Chances are, the more you amuse me, the more you become a target...which is why I am my biggest target with my daughter being a close second and men third...to be followed by women, humans, politics, religion, race, children, elderly and global garble...you will not make it out alive if you visit my wall and expect some sanitary and sane existence. Most of you stumbled here in the darkness because of mutual games and the like of fantasy...I LIVE that fantasy everyday. The noobs stumbled here because they saw my open candor about sexual matters or reflections of stuff from their friends coming "out of the closet" to admit and "comment" or "like" my shit...*chuckles-it humors me because I said it proper...I am evil candy on a bad day and will rot your teeth/brain on a good day. No one wants to be seen hanging out at the fat kids' table or the geeks' table or re-re table...here you get the pleasure of all three! 

I am that stolen piece of cake at 2am and you're sitting on the floor using the light from the fridge to offer direction as you gulp it down in reckless abandonment but quietly alone so no one else knows! And yes, there are times I leave a little sweet smear on your cheek letting the rest of the world know you secretly have a "thing" for at least one fat gal! She's a wicked beast and a tormented soul who lives what she has with what she's got about as full as she can...candle doesn't burn anymore...She's a puddle of wax...and fluidity...continuity of entertainment you just happened to step in...

so...

sit down, shut the fuck up unless you have something to say that will amuse me as much as I do you and buckle-up...this bitch's got this!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

"Tinkerly Teenah"

This is a tale of Tinkerly Teenah

who couldn't decide if she liked blue or greenah,

but instead set herself down upon a tree log

to kiss each and every one of the forest's tree frogs

in hopes of a suitor who'll tailor her dress

of gossamer webbing, gothic ribbons work best,

and instead got so stuck with a beastly of mates

a frog-throated fellow who drinks far too late.

He stole her away, far away, away so...

poor Tinkerly Teenah surely didn't want to go.

She was dragged by the heels and the stockings she wore

and dropped rightly prompt through the living room door.

"Oh!" how she cried with relief when the bastard was gone

plotting her revenge and gathering supplies all along

to make her a Tinkerly Twin so to flee from this hovel.

She hid it before he returned on the double

to waste all the home in the search of his stash

of coin and royal paper to purchase more mash.

When he left this last time dear sweet Teenah was shrewd.

She set up her doll and used lipstick-y glue

that took quite some time to take hold and secure

the last poisoned breathe from her toadly captor

and waited behind the dark pantry alcove

when "princely" a mood come strolling in with a shove

for some romance unwanted and a Tinkerly kiss

his lust unbelievable, his fate quite a twist.

He gasped and he choked and reached for his neck.

His lips were sealed shut to the doll's pretty head,

and our lil heroine she doth watch with trite glee

to the myriad of colors her "once lover" now be.

Now she sits back on root and on lowly log stump

after burying her monster and her doll in one lump,

where the darkest and meanest of Hell's lot won't dare tread

not even for supper or entertainment or dead,

and she wiped both hands surely and ridded her pain

and swore nevermore to go kissing frogs again!

...but would always look fondly on peas and blue bells

and never divulging where 'e lie she won't tell!

~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Men, Women & I: What We Want

so we are back to what men want and what women what...and...what I want...

It's difficult to be dating in these days and times. We have a flip of the sexes and a grand chasm between the two and may the gods forbid, if you are a different species altogether.

Men want to be the pretty one and to be the star and the prize. The need constant reassurance they are accepted and feel they don't need to reciprocate anymore. You cannot imagine the amount of men I see who use women for money and possessions and seem just as much an epidemic as they claim the gold-digging hussies are. They lost their spine along the way and now, not request but demand you take a back seat not only to their damaged ego and "id" but also to their whim...fuck this!

Women are dowdy. We can't compete with the multi-million dollar industry of porn and plastic surgery and every wannabe boy-toy feels he deserves some disgusting twat of a whore who giggles at every bad joke and is there merely to be a place for him to store his cock and it's fluids when they get a jingle in their pants. I'm not just angry here. We want to be cherished as is. To be valued and some even want to be rescued and "kept"...I am bemused. We can't compete even with cash and most only manage to when their hubby had died off, and now, we have retirees fancying themselves up like they are grade "A" hustlers and rock stars.

I have talked about this shit before and no matter how many times I run through this material I still keep shaking my head. So where do I fit in? Where do I find happiness? I am told I am too headstrong and too "macho" for a real man...lols...and by their definition of a real man all I see are boys...grown up boys who require more care than an elderly lung patient and twice as ornery...

Happiness for me is a partner. A man who is capable of taking care of himself. Who can provide his own transportation but is secure enough to not feel slighted when I want to drive. He should pay his own way...and if he offers to pay mine and I refuse, accept my refusal. Don't push it with some false sense of security and self worth that it is "his job" to pay my way. If he feels slighted, suck it up (buttercup) and surprise me later with the money you would have spent by doing something with it. Don't have to spend it on me, but you can certainly do things together with me or go somewhere and if it is important enough to you, give me a memento.>NEWSFLASH: SPERM IS NOT A MEMENTO!<

Gift giving is sweet. It is a way of telling the person you love that you were thinking of them. No one said you had to go to Tiffany's (left hand-6.5 thin band, 7 wide; right hand-6.75 thin, 7.25 wide lols) but you could make something. Change my oil, while I make you cookies. I DO things to show I love someone. I don't just tell them. I make myself available and am willing to go places and do things I don't necessarily like because to do something I don't like with you is still better than to do something I do like alone, sometimes...Gift your time and skills. Be a man. Hold a door. I am sick of holding doors and angry I have them shut on me. Consideration is gone these days...Courtesy too...

Can't count how many times I have heard what they will watch, listen, go to, visit, do and what they won't. And I hear how they want special treatment because they are men. Who behave...like...women. I hear how I have to be considerate of their need to not this and that, food, entertainment, activity...but am expected to jump through flaming hoops of stupidity for them. And there is no motivation. None. AB-SO-FUCKING-LUTE-LY NONE! Things are so one-sided I feel like paying them when we have sex, just so they can really get a "grade" in the amount they are paid and see what a fool they are!

~Smart, ornery, strong-willed, strength-driven, physically limited but not painfully, endurable and enduring, independent, ethereal, agnostic (look it the fuck up), spiritual, anchored, tumultuous, aggressive, inquisitive, thoughtful in the truest sense of the word, contemplative, educated (still learning), passionate (beyond the fathomability of most of mankind), feral, balanced (with a little extra lean towards the darkness in her world), giving, sacrificing, learning and teaching, strict, reserved, brutal, open with the things that matter and few that do not and closed where I need to be, funny, pretty (for what I have), deserving whether you think so or not.~ I want these SAME qualities in you.

I dare you, come and get this. Don't be afraid of your worth, but don't tell me to devalue mine...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves...

Things

...it is all about the things, isn't it?

...you can touch and taste and feel and hear and see and smell things. All manner of things and things decay and rot and disappear and even sometimes reappear. There are living things and dead things and things supposed to never have a life to begin with, but I believe all things are living, alive. Even rocks and soil. (soil was proven alive eons ago)

There is vacuous space in between the crystals of rock where life inhabits. There is vacuous and unexplained space that microscopically separates the different tissues of a person or animal too. And all things when broken down to the smallest common denominator seem without a reason to exist. Dust in the myriad of winds.

So when did people become things? Expendable and unnecessary things? I'm not just talking human folk here either but all the beasts of bi-peds and all the low creatures on all fours. We treat ourselves less than we do our possessions and find that the more life that inhabits something, the greater chance of snuffing that light-life out of it. The beaten dog and traumatized cat or eaten frog. We consume and congest ourselves with the decay of others. And have not risen our self above the station of what we were. In fact, we have devolved ourselves into a lower creature that only learned how to walk upright, for I see far more empathy and compassion from ants towards their own kind than they (people) do among mankind. But now...we are breakable and expendable and thrown out with yesterday's trash. Bodies lying in heaps upon one another and a whispered voice echoing mad movies from long ago.

It is thought to be inhuman to be cannibals. It is thought to be feral and unholy and not proper, and yet, it is common. Quite human and beast alike to cull the herd among themselves. Survival of the fittest doesn't mean to equip the weak with armor and sword and send them out to battle. It means that you ARE only as strong as your weakest link. And we are a lot of weak and useless, lifeless ore. I have become desensitized to the melee. I have become immune to the tears of the children and old alike and become hardened with each breathe consuming the oxygen of this place every single time a tree is cut and no seed put back in its place. We fancy ourselves superior because we can fathom entities we cannot see and believe in some divine providence and that somewhere and somehow there is a place of our own personal heaven that awaits us above all other living things, save dogs and cats.

How dare! We are the vermin and rot in this universe. We need to expend our efforts to creating a lasting legacy that allows ALL creatures great and small to live in unity. But alas, a gal can dream and can dream big but alone cannot make the spectacle of such. I merely sit and take notes on whom should stay and go and evolve and in my own perfect fantasy decide who should rule and how and what areas...for now I am the sum of my broken body and my mind and the dev'lish thoughts held therein...for now...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

~Singularity~

there comes a time when we all reflect on the presence of others or the lack of their presence. I do this often as even my own species seems to be community oriented and in keeping with the company of others...I had a wonderful conceptual poem I writ today on my social network but felt it deserved more attention. I didn't it title it then but have come up with one befitting the mood...

~Singularity~

the absence of a communal relativity
within a coalescing mutuality of existence
can be detrimental to one's health
and id

it is never good to be without 
it is never wise to be within
there is an affront to being withheld
especially from all

but this lacking, this yearning
drives the spirit from the cave
forces the soul from the flesh
pushes the mind from the mundane

transports this "matter"
along lit line
to places beyond
and farther still

how I lament this condemnation
when can I resurrect the death
of what was natally spewn
when the pieces are infinite

for now
there I sit foraging
for the particles that will fill
my famine and my will.

~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves

Unwanted Things

we want things as individuals. Even as groups we want things. But in order to want something, one must "un" want something. We want to be loved but unwant indifference and we want to be held and unwant the empty cold shoulder across the room...unwanted...

All of us do it. We bark about all the things we have or don't have and feel we need. If you are breathing, then you have your needs. These are things we want, not need. I bitch about global peace and conservation and fairness...but in order to accept that I want these things I have to understand and also accept that unfairness and greed and corruption are unwanted. And I do. But not all of us share my sentiment...and it would be a fool's game to expect them to. I like that...a fool's game. A show of hands...who here has played a hand or two?

My disdain is complete in the fact I am able to forgive and accept the things that I am unable to change. I can't change everyone's mind but my arrogance KNOWS I can enrich it, if even you pose as unwilling for only true ignorance is bliss and not chosen forgetfulness and ignorance. While you were in the dark with me I brought you "light" in the form of knowledge. It doesn't matter if you bought it or not or believe in it or not, it doesn't matter if it was unwanted...you gained it regardless and can no longer sit on your laurels and feign ignorance. It is a lie...well, you "can" feign...but you are LIVING the lies you tell and that is fueling your ambition and elevating your humanness how? Nirvana and oneness isn't built upon a bed of lies and it's no wonder some lose tempers and sleep when given knowledge because of the wars held within them to accept it. I know why I am unloved.

I don't recall what point I accepted that truth. This is not in disrespect to the fans or the handful of people who truly do love me...though even some of them don't fully accept my form of writ and wit. All I am aware of is that I was quite young. Most of my greatest epiphanies came upon me at a tender age when my body was very innocent while my mind whirled uncontrollably into the pits of awareness, my own personal hell and prison to which I would never escape, not intended to escape. I am the Santa Claus of this dark, dank, desolate world. I put on the coat and the hat and I can't undo it until someone else takes and puts them on. And I don't see that happening soon but I do suspect you and I all know who will if she's brave enough. And I am not sure if that's the life I want(ed) for her. So here I am accepting the balance and order of things. A cruel mastress and gentle ministress (yes I spelled them correctly for they are my own words and convey exactly as they sound) to the audience that pulls up some grass and listens. What is she saying? What does it mean? And does she really believe the things she lets fall from her lips? You betcha. I believe every single thing. I have humility too. Not because I feel inferior, rarely feel that nowadays but because I feel centered and comfortable and aware they may be others ahead of me on the same journey so why shouldn't they also be ahead of me spiritually and intellectually. I expect it. I embrace it and look forward to learning from them if I get the chance to stumble across them. And I have.

The things that are unwanted in my life are also accepted as inevitability...neglect, loss, regret, hurt, sadness, pain and vengeance...they are all there along with malice and contempt and I embrace them as I always have while dreaming of a world where they no longer exist and where mankind has risen above their stations to be something the gods can be proud of...for now, I wallow and smile in a bloody grimace through the disdain and spread my own balancing dose of horseshit and sunshine. Enjoy...*mirthy laughter echoing and fading...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Rules of Relationship

...in light of recent relationship turmoils and strife making its grand appearance now that swimsuit season has arrived and most (notice I didn't say all) men are chasing the poorly dressed hookers on the beach while some/most (notice again I didn't say all) of their women are at home banging his father/brother/best friend/or sister, I feel compelled to make some things clear to you that particularly have nothing to do with the season itself but rather the mood it brings forth and the actions that are a consequence on the impulses of mankind...

* happy and loving relationships are built on respect and trust. Those two ingredients are across the board. You have to trust 100% and respect them in kind 100%. Not 99/1 or 50/50.

* when you "love" a person you see the flaws and accept them. They see yours and accept them. There is a fine line between admiring something visually, olfactorily, palatably, cerebellumly and shopping. Shopping is what you do when you aren't content with your old rags, old car, old house, old shoes and want to DISCARD them and get something new...or new to you (chances are if your significant other is the type of person who has to have new every day and trade-up all the time it is only a matter of time before you yourself will be a temporary trade up to them as well).

* there is a difference between debate and argument. Debate is taking opposite sides of a situation based upon the facts each opponent has and either coming to a consensus and meeting of the minds or agreeing to disagree. Argument is when you lash out at your opponent because your opinion is that they are wrong. Humiliating them and shaming them and punishing them are all parts of argument. "Pleading" with one to see your way is not an argument per se...it is passion for the debate so long as the pleading doesn't lead to punishment or debasement of the opponent.

* do not think the grass IS greener on the other side. Blind people and deaf people have as many relationship short comings as you do and make some, if not all of the same mistakes. We are all capable of err.

* "Flirting" is a dangerous game but a necessary one. We need to feel wanted and/or needed and sometimes a relationship can get into a rut of sorts and dipping into the gene pool to see what sharks bite is fun and stimulating. But it should be dealt with only by the pros. And parameters should be respected. These sharks need to know you are NOT available and yes, it is okay to let them know that you are a bigger shark and if you should become available you would swallow them up in a vortex even the Starship Enterprise couldn't find their way back from. But honor your commitment to your mate and make sure that it is clearly defined. Otherwise you enter dangerous water and flirting changes into "flalking" (NEW WORD kiddies! yay!!!!):

*"Flalking" is when you get into the dangerous waters and take flirting too far. You are now shopping in the dark in your bed (metaphorically) while your significant other sleeps soundly next to you. It is secret and secreted out of sight. It is "stalking" your next victim to replace the one you have. If you are in a position to be flalking someone new then you shouldn't be in the relationship you are in to begin with because it has already ended for you and you are just keeping them around to keep your company or to reap more rewards while you replace them. It is cruel and no one should be used like that. 

* secrets are lies. I don't care whether you agree with me on this or not but Dr. Mobiuschic has done 41+ years of research on this subject since the dawning of birth and probably another 100+ years in previous go'rounds. Secrets are "truths" you withhold giving the illusion to a "false truth" which...we conclude is a lie. Goes hand in hand with shopping and flalking...you let the new potential mate believe you are single when in fact you are not. I don't believe in secrets. But...there is some leeway here...look below...

* information is on a need to know basis. I represent myself as who and what I am. But I don't advertise ALL facets to all people. If I am looking for a car, I don't think the gentlemen selling me a vehicle really gives a shit about my bra size or whether or not I was verbally abused by my last three employers or not. Not everyone needs to know everything. It is a tough road to be THAT open and considering I am usually the MOST OPEN PERSON most of you haven't had the pleasure of meeting (yet), it is not 100% openness that I bring to you. This is not to say I have secrets. But do you really want to know why my pinky toes' nails are wierd and spongy as opposed to the other 8 nails? Or that I pick my nose in the car when it won't blow out but deposit the "material" into a napkin, or use the napkin to pick it in the first place? (I don't do it in "public" or places of mass people but sometimes do it while driving rather than reach a destination and have it bothersome or an unprecedented sneeze take hold and launch world war on some unsuspecting "blue hair" at the fruit bar at the Chinese buffet...lols). We all have information that is pertinent or prurient and ALL pertinent information should be given freely in any situation asking for it. Getting arrested and "forgetting" to tell the arresting officer you have a needle in your pocket only adds to your predicament. Prurient information has its uses too. Church is not a place to confess to sucking twelves cocks in four hours. Not that I consider church more holier than personal religion, but I RESPECT those that do and there is a time and place for the seedier side of life...even for Miss mobe! When you fail to give information that is needed for consumption and understanding you are cheating yourself and them from a full conclusion...you are keeping secrets-lying and misrepresenting yourself. (EXAMPLE: I am SINGLE but have a certain gentleman friend who I love and have committed myself to loving. I flirt and talk and communicate with many men and women but they are ALL aware I am not married, not engaged, not in a relationship {his choice} but AM committed to someone of my own accord in my heart. Doesn't dissuade from the conversation but does set parameters that I don't cross and dictates what happens when THEY DO cross the boundary I set).

* boundaries. Good place to end. At the end. This is my circle of tolerance and this one is yours. These don't always have to be the same but in a good relationship they are clearly defined and if your boundaries are more loosely interpreted than your partners, then chances are you would be the one to cheat. Pure and simple. And you would argue the point as being your right to because you "never agreed to their boundaries" which leads us all the way back to the top where "respect" and "trust" are. You don't respect their boundaries and didn't trust in the solidity of the relationship and crossed them using your own poorly scripted choices as your excuse and making what was once the object of your affection now the blame by citing they brought it on themselves. WHEN YOU ENTER A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO'S BOUNDARIES ARE MORE DEFINED THAN YOURS YOU ARE CONTRACTUALLY (METAPHORICALLY) SIGNING THAT YOU "DO" AGREE TO THEIR TERMS. One always acquiesces to the smaller circle than the larger to respect the relationship and you can negotiate widening the circle at a later date. Negotiate...not force. AND, if you CAN'T abide by the boundaries then you must leave. There is no picking the fruit off a tree you don't plan to water, nurture and proffer sunlight and food to. (I will date you because I like the sex and company but I won't remain committed because I want my freedom to trade up like in Fantasy Football BUT I want you to remain chaste for me because I don't want to get diseases from any loser you get with....*hahahaha....I have had several assholes who offered me this great deal. Guess which loser you will get "something" from? Come on...guess? You're committed to him/her but they aren't to you! Hello?)

...believe it or not most all species accept their roles. Mankind is the exception to this rule and chooses to change them as they go and see fit. Most all species mate and have fewer relationship shortcomings and it is because they obeys the laws of a relationship that is clearly defined. If you are offered a car that doesn't run and are forced to trade in yours that does...what have you gained? Pay close attention to the signs and bookmark/copy this and compare what you have with what your goal is. DON'T USE PEOPLE AND YOUR CHANCES OF GETTING USED ARE FEWER...

~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

The Weight of Words

words from a friend mean more than most know, if even they are silent nods and a kind smile of understanding.

It is love that is unwound. It is life that is immeasurable and longing, that in time is brought to fruition and closure. Words from a sympathetic ear of understanding can be a light in the darkness for even those that have no tolerance for light and it's bright and blinding fire. It warms the coldest of hearts and causes the mind to push a little harder and strive a little more to reach that prize. And those prizes? They are unique to the individual...

...many friends in my life have come and gone. Some have proven their worth in salt and other just sifted through my fingers like quicksand and leaving that grit in your ass that makes you want to scream. The best are still there but even the worst have had their uses and taught me valuable lessons in life. I learned tolerance and temperance and to love and to loathe.

Now, I am here. I have my own immeasurable worth and wealth of knowledge to bring and find new frustrations in words of wisdom and aide I can provide another. I love with all I am and while having love for many things, loving is different and spared for few and far between. I love my kid and her lost siblings. I love my siblings, though not all of them and I love some of my lovers, still. I love my two best friends...one took from my past and one gifted in my present and both will be with me in my future. I loved man and woman alike as partners and lovers and friends, and I was infatuated with both at a time or one for the other as it suited. But those words were always sincere coming from me and held great weight and significance. I lament for the "lost" loves that left and abandoned their posts for whatever reason and lament my own sanity and lack of knowledge to be able to see the road that was strewn ahead before my car derailed. Alas, we all suffer at the hands of a blind curve or two...in my case almost 200 (at least I was consistent! lols)...

I have learned some new tricks. I have learned that just because you know something it doesn't mean you HAVE to share it. Sometimes it is best to leave the ignorant to themselves, and by ignorant, I mean that as a fact and not as a negative slur, so deal! People don't want the truth. This isn't to say or permiss to lie to them but there isn't a need to further the information. If they didn't ask for it, they didn't want it. If you have it to give, then let them know and let them ask...don't hand it over. Adults don't deal well with finding out they lack something. So, I leave them to the delusions of the mind and the misinformation and when the time arrives, I dangle what I can and offer it for free.

Free? Yup. Funny...never trust a person who will charge you for what they themselves came unto freely. I don't "pay" for information and therefore, I don't charge. I study and work hard and earn it, if even by trade, making my words that much more valuable when you think about it. And I don't mince them, not intentionally anyways. So why is it so hard to accept the writing on the wall and the advice given freely?

Answer: Because no one likes to find out they lack something. There's an invisible attachment of inferiority that comes along with the fact that someone knows something more than you. And we ALL suffer that ail at one time or other in our lives (whether some of you fuckers want to admit it or not!). I do...but like all of my fears, I go psychotic on it and jump into them with great gusto and a knife between my teeth and gut the fuck out of the sharks of knowledge that I lack and the inferiority and insignificance it brings. I have questions of myself that I ask over and over, judging and measuring my own person by such a harsher ruler than any nun dared to swing at Our Lady of the Sacred Heart ever could. And I still dive in with Bowie knife in tow and slash that naggling and wringing in the back of my stomach until the want to hurl evades me.


I love meeting people smarter than I. People who are street smart or academically smart or genius smart. All of them gems and I feel like a fool at times when I can offer nothing but secular wit and dark humor. But inside...there are a few who know and understand how spiritual I am and how a host of aide comes to me in places and from places that even the most intelligent couldn't understand. And I question that too. As if I've the right to receive such gifts so freely. Maybe it is why I give them freely, too...and then more frustration because I am only as smart as my vocabulary is and sometimes I lack the language it takes to explain things clearly when the language they come in doesn't exist anymore and not one living person has been found to understand it and I couldn't speak it out of mouth for the life of me. Words...words...words...they escape me but are SO important to me.

You getting the meaning behind it is important too. I pick up bits and pieces of broken lost languages of mankind along the way and even some not lost ones. It helps to ease the shoulders in the room and to bring a comfortability to a certain situation. I even make up weird words and dirty words to make them laugh and watch the miracles happen when the arms become unfolded and the shoulders drop and the hackles slack off...

...here in my dark I listened tonight to others' words. I listened to my own words. I felt the pain and sting of them and can understand my point of view and understand theirs but not have the right words to let them know that I see what they aren't saying. That "others" see what they aren't saying. That I understand. But my voice is shallow and I cannot tell them this because the fear is something that grips them tight and won't let go so long as they hug it back...and I cry. There is an absence of accomplishment when one refuses to let go of the tree even AFTER the storm has passed. Trusting the tree is important when you need it, but to stay there and make a home in the tree, it's mad and fruitless. Come down from the branches and sit and sing with me and listen to the words and feel my pain and let me burden my ears and mind and heart with yours because our two wonderful brains and our two wonderful strings are already tangled and entwined and it can only make for a beautiful ball of light as they ignite one another.

[ "The knowledge of two (however unequal) is still greater than one because all things hold knowledge and value..."~mobe ]

I want to make more words and share them with you...and I want to hear your words and watch your creations take flight...let go of the tree and let me take your hand. We got this together now...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Dorothy's Not in Kansas Anymore...

in light of recent events still unfolding in this dark hour on Wednesday morning, May 22nd I am compelled to promote my thoughts and and some reflection on the tornadic event and the sudden tragic loss befalling so many this week.

I recall hearing how we here in the United States receive more than 75% of the world's tornadoes and the bulk of them being in the Great Plains/Midwest sector in places like Kansas, Oklahoma, North Texas, Arkansas, Nebraska, the Dakotas, Missouri, Iowa, Louisiana, Indiana, Ohio, Illinois, Kentucky and Tennessee. No where on this planet is there more likely to be some form of devastation from tornadoes and their effects on homes and lives. But I have a question that most would not like to hear. At the same time my heart goes out to all who have suffered and their families in this trying time...

why?

Why do we build houses on cliffs that end in mudslides in California and why do we build homes on the Gulf Coast of the US on stilts at the beach only to find them washed away with erosion from the hurricanes during  June to November? Why do we build homes on the plateaus where we are meant to have animals roam and live only to throw the dice on a roulette wheel of nature and watch it all get whisked away? And why do we use viable and safe lands to hold golf tournaments? Why not put the homes there? Let the elite play roulette...it is a rich man's game isn't it?...

this destruction cries out for understanding. We now have millions of families without home, food, clothing, selves and jobs...And we need to provide for them (not that the government will genuinely do that in a timely manner, because the longer they sit on their hands, the more likely the middle and poverty class will roll up our sleeves to do their job while profits skyrocket for the globe's largest companies as they cry impoverished pleas for tax breaks and incentives, all while taking grandiose vacations, thus allowing the unlearned masses the opportunity to point fingers at the politicians and further distracting from doing what is necessary to do)...

So what do we do? At one point do you say let's just get'er done? Don't like socialism? Don't like democracy? Don't like monarchy? Don't like totalitarianism? Get used to it because I have seen socialists that work better than republics and republics that work better than monarchy and monarchy that works better than democracy and democracy that works better than socialism. No one way is correct. NO person is using their head. And all are guilty of shortsighted visual acuity.

What we need to do is get back to a place where a dollar, euro, peso, rupee, lire, dinar are all worth a damn. Stop letting 50 people run this world from the unattainable golden chair while looking down upon us all and telling us what we SHOULD and MUST do. Stop fueling the lifestyles of these people and start thinking again and listening again to your bodies and hearts and souls...

my heart is sad. I have friends out there and even family in Kansas. We have lost so much and now it will cost us more, as a humanity, not as a monetary thing. Children taught to huddle who were crushed to death and man and wife clinging to each other cowering over their children, their infants to protect them-whole families destroyed! What does all this earthly collateral tell you about us as a people? What karmic forces are at play here and why take the innocent? Why not windy-whirly blow the fuck out of D.C. and some of the elite? Is it that the meek will truly inherit the earth but only after the undeserved have wrecked it?

Global warming be damned. I see an ice age ahead...I see water levels rising and temperatures rising, but I see the snow pulling back on the jaws of mountaintops like the receding gums of the wolf before he strikes! A cold wind of change is coming and will you be ready to pitch in to change the world? To change the lives and the way we live so everyone gets a fair chance and no child, dog, hamster, grandfather shall perish? Probably not, but now at least you know I am just one more who is disgusted with this...like it or not it is a disdainful week for many and until we can understand what forces are at play here it will all be for naught!

Dorothy found her way home the way she left, with puppy in tow...we dont' have a wizard to tell us to click our shoes...and this isn't just about Kansas anymore...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves

Lost Inheritance

so remind me again why the world is black and white and who gets to decide what exactly black and white are?

Color is what it should be but what if yellow is not jaune but more like noir..."bete noir"...and what if "table" is actually the word for bed?

We strive to find order and understanding in this world (some of us anyway), and you cannot obtain a gain to that endeavor without the strife in the strive itself. Language creates barriers and with the advent of technology over the course of the last fifteen, twenty, thirty, fifty years, we find ourselves losing our language at an alarming rate. Is one of the very reasons I admire interpreters and those capable of many "tongues" and dialects and want to learn more language myself, even if my seedier side only wants to tell people to either "fuck off" or to "fuck me" in several cultural languages...Rosetta Stone doesn't teach you the good shit you know...

What if we have this all wrong and that killing and raping and pillaging and lying are truly the "good" things in life and that being the opposite damns a person's soul to holy inferno eternity? We don't castigate coyotes for killing or grizzlies or great whites or king cobras...we don't even castigate Ebola and anthrax...we study them. We study death in infinite. We study what we perceive is life, too, but life is the eternal waiting room for the occurrence of death itself.

I am accused of looking at things incorrectly. *chuckles

But what if I got this spot on? What if it is all about communication and language and that, for the most part, there truly isn't a rule. It is killed or be killed. Why prolong it? Why MUST we see who can live the longest? We don't own this land no matter what pieces of paper governments hold. They have deeds? What supreme authority who owns the planet in entirety doled out portions of it to greedy asshats and insidious bastards? I would like to take a closer look at these "deeds" and the relinquishing parties.

We TAKE what we need and we give back what we don't and yes, take what we don't need but rather covet and give so little. But neither of these is wrong. Open the coffers at the nuke plants and open the coffers at the armory and let the fuckers who want war kill each other, thus rendering the population to return to acceptable numbers and allow that the biggest infestation (humankind *giggles...those that know why it is worded this way by me will get it and those that don't will have to follow more closely in the future...) gets righted properly and ceases to be a drain on the resources. Allow that the noble of mind and education who want to preserve "quality" examples of each species to continue on into a new millenia...

*looking up, It would certainly solve poverty and famine and disease for sure. We are becoming the dinosaurs of the future at the hands of a select few. I will not be a sheep. I will spill my own blood fighting that oppression of continuity with pen and sword in hand...

"Lost Horizon" impacted me a great deal and I dream of the nirvana of peace and a life of knowledge and tranquility. I don't have to be famous and could care less who the fuck is in charge. No one should be. But I can't wait for the day when either the biggest blight on this planet turns itself into a fossil fuel for new species (maybe even a few older ones *wink) to utilize as they live out their life peacefully exploring the rock we share and the others that lie in the universe or the meek and genius truly inherit the earth....~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

(in the distance, if you prick your ears and listen real close you can hear the cry of every newly born living thing crying out for what they are entitled to...hear the wolves cry and the leaves rustle and the micro-cosmic booms of the division of cells and tell me how just a few in eight billion inherit it all...)

Changing Course...

it's nice to come to an epiphany again in one's life even if is causes distress, however unintended, in another. I love for me. There was a time where I would have lived for you and her and him, but now, it is about me. Me and what I need and what I don't need...

Mind you it isn't easy facing one's truths, not that I was dishonest. Sometimes it just comes about that you cannot define what is going on or what the future needs to entail for you and when it finally hits you, it's like all the lights going on in the Smithsonian all at once and the manuscripts of your soul coming alive...

Truth #1. I like sex and want sex and yes, even need sex. Raw, immersed and carnal as they come. I don't have an issue with admitting this, and most people who know me and even a few who don't right away, can pretty much tell you what the agenda is today in the sewers of my brain. But this leads us to other truths...

Truth #2. Life is raw and real and doesn't always bring you what you want unless of course you are inhuman and happen to have a way with words and can not only articulate but fully accept the consequences of your actions in order to get what you want. It's powerful shit here I am talking about! Pay attention...

Truth #3. I can and DO get what I want when I want it. There is a certain amount of guilt. It's part of the consequences that goes with the territory. I accepted that but it doesn't equate me "liking" it one bit. You can accrue some serious karmic imbalance for the taking...

Truth #5. In my heart of hearts I never WANTED or "set out" to use people. Like so many other people in this world and my past and future, I am a product by design and environment and having been neglected and mistreated in my youth, it lead me to TAKE what I needed at all costs and to survive in that fetid and feral manner...not an excuse but a realization...

Truth #6. You've heard the saying (I know I will botch it but go with this folks!) that if you keep getting the same results that you are unhappy with and you haven't tried to do the things differently, then why are you so damned surprised when the results haven't changed either? This truth comes into play because, in all honesty, I want to make a concerted effort to change what I am doing. I don't like my results anymore. I am growing up, I guess, and there's a subtle sadness knowing I can't play jacks and jump rope anymore. I have come to a place where I no longer speak as a child or think as a child and now, the final piece to my tome, I am putting away childish things...

Truth #7. I know what love is and what it isn't and have seen it in many forms. I will never regret loving anyone, if even it was just a little or a lot and I am not going to defend my love for another because a person cannot understand it. This is where it goes back to living my life for me. I will not tolerate someone questioning my decisions. I will answer your questions in as lady-like a manner as possible but only to keep the peace so long; hostile interrogations will be met swiftly with strict contempt and a penchant for a blood sacrifice...

Truth #8. When I needed things I took them. But I always paid the piper, willingly, to get what I needed and always "tipped" well. I didn't just rob things and go looting through the souls and lives candidly as if I owned the joint. I gave more than I got and may have even set a personal price on my own soul a little too low for the value of what it truly is...leading us to...

Truth #9. I am worth more than the sum of my fears. I am in a place now where even though I am not at my peak in the looks and strength departments, I have come to accept and love myself more and set a higher price and value for the knowledge and love and understanding I bring to the table. Right now, I am still stinging from the karmic balance, but I know if I start changing my actions, I will start getting a different reaction. Just a little leery as to whether it will be for the better or not, citing back to truth numbers 1 & 3 respectively...

Truth #10. I am changing my actions because I want love again. I want to love and be loved this time. And I want it to be the last and to endure as long as either one of us endures (situations point to me crossing into another plane before they do)...this new love doesn't take away from the love I feel for others. They are separate entities and have no bearing on one or the other. My heart is big enough to care for many and had I been blessed with all the children I created, I would have many more to love, still love. It doesn't dishonor love to walk away from it and let it be. It doesn't dishonor love given when it is not received. It doesn't dishonor love to continue to care from afar while moving ahead with one's life. It doesn't dishonor love to love, again...

Truth #11. I have done many things most would be ashamed of but I say here and now that I am not ashamed of my actions. Only my motives, in afterthought. I ate like a starving street urchin and drank like a sot and fucked like a whore and slept like a bear, but I fought this world with everything I had and bled for my life and my child's life and my values and morals...and I wouldn't change a thing...not the poverty or the tears, because I learned how to love and me coming from a gross lack of it as an example...

Truth #12. I want the best for my kid. Why am I bringing this up? Because what I want for her isn't as important as what she wants for herself  Whats's best for her is what makes her happy, and she will get her own karma-kick-in-the-ass on her own without me pushing my ideals. What's best for her is to live her life with the tools I and her community has given her and to do so with no regrets. It's all I can ask. I had hopes and standards I wanted for her but they were my wants and not her own. She will be fine and she will fall, as we all do from time to time, but she knows I will be a constant in her life and a beacon for her, and I am grateful for being able to set some fine examples, as well as a few wrong ones, if they give her the courage to go out and fight with her all...finally! Almost there...

Truth #13. The last and final piece...I won't give up. I continue my battle and my conflict within myself and do so proudly. I fight and the fight ensues and I carry my scars and memories and baggage and tools with me. My life will never be drama free because no life should be. You should wreck it. You CAN'T take it with you. I don't want to die all pretty and being Miss Goody-Two-Shoes with no dirty little smirks of knowing and nothing but an empty pretty shell to leave behind. I want my tales of failure and achievement and triumphs and loss to ignite and instill hope for future generations...

This is what we leave when we go. Not dollars and cents and heirlooms and companies. Our tales. Our folklore and heritage and the people we come from, no matter what type of bastards they be and the people we met and the people we loved. This is what makes life worth living. Not the beer and the wine and the ass and the money but the time spent chasing the beer and wine and ass and money. It wasn't where I was headed or whether I got my name in the marquee lights, it was falling off the fucking ladder, hanging onto one of the bulbs while my best friend pushed for dear life on my fat ass praying I wouldn't fart or shit on her, accidentally, in the hopes I CAN get my name on that fucking billboard...the two of us toppling to the ground and breaking our legs and some sexy EMTs showing up to bandage us and put us on a morphine drip, giving us the perfect excuse to sneak in some ex lover to shag the fuck out of in our joint room at the hospital. This is life. This is the curtain and what you splatter on it, blood-sweat-tears, is what matters...not when it fell or what costume you wore on stage...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

Lessons Learned

...so, emotions run deep when the winds of dismay shake your perfect little world. You deal with shit as it comes but sometimes you are the last person in the line for the game of "Telephone," and by the time the story's truth reaches you, you are already too invested into the situation and suffer great loss for the damage to unfold ahead...

Life isn't perfect. Yadda yadda yadda, I get it. But we strive to live perfectly in an imperfect place. We do all the right things and cross all our t's and dot all our i's and still, the variables are as numerous as the stars in the universe. You can never control all that's within your world around you. It is a lie to think you can and you are fooling yourself. So, should you be pissed at yourself for doing things right and coming up empty, or should you put your feet back on the ground and hold your head high and keep moving forward? I have to move forward. If there's one thing I have learned it is that. I don't revisit the past haunts and such. Sure I can take a tour de force once in a while but I just don't go dragging old skeletons out and adding them to the "potentials" when it has already been proven that they don't add up.

I now know what it is to love with everything you have. I don't feel the slightest bit ashamed that I did or even for whom. Now, I am just in a place where I need to keep true to my word but still protect myself from the poison I have become so familiar with. I can't drink from that cup anymore and his choice has made it so he has doomed the both of us to never getting a chance. He in his foolish and selfishness and I in my lost and reckless abandon. I am letting go...

Have been bleeding out for damn near a month and it's high time I plug that hole. My heart will mend and even my mind but right now is not the time. I won't be pushed into the next problem. I want something more for myself than the hands the fates have dealt me. And I don't want to be used again but understand that comes with the territory when a person doesn't take their time to research...and even when they do. It is part of the cycle. My first husband, hell, my first husband-to-be taught me that. Life is anything but a permanency.

My goal now is to meet and make new friends. And to keep reminding myself you don't "dick" your friends. I need to remember that one, first and foremost. It isn't going to be what you want if the first things you take from it are immediate pleasures and base it on that from the get go. I don't need to reassure myself I am wanted. I don't need to be reassured I am approved of, and if I am wanted now I will certainly be wanted later when I have come to terms with my psyche once again and am prepared for something mature and complimentary to both. I am aware of the work I have ahead and cannot sit and witness the destruction of another while my life passes me by...he or she will live with the choices they make as I have my own to bear...

So, I will continue to bleed. The hole isn't gaping any longer but I still feel the sticky trickle of red life escaping from it. I cry those moments, alone. It is my pain to bear. And I feel the sting and record it every time to replay it again and again in the future to remind myself of this lesson. Never be afraid of honesty and love and friendship. Sometimes you can do every thing correctly and just make one simple small mistake that sets the dominoes falling. Sometimes that one little mistake is just saying "hello," but you should never let that hinder you from continuing to emulate love and intelligence and kindness and honesty and faithfulness towards mankind. I have seen savage beasts treat their nemeses with better couth than humankind does its own kin. I will continue to rise above that and do my species great honor and be who I am in spite of the results...and I will continue to say...hello~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.

S'Been a Long Time

my sister at arms told me that she missed these. She lost internet some time ago but what she said makes sense. I lost my way. And I got kicked down and back up and down and up again...but I need to find my way back again. Grief has shook me in my loss, but my loss isn't really that tragic at all if I put my mind to it and see things as they were and not as I hoped they would be or develop into.

Life has meaning even through the fog and smoke after the wars have been played. I loved fiercely and this day, the day of lovers and candy and the time to tell someone how you feel about them (if you feel all butterflies and rainbows), I am coming to grips with channeling that love into a new endeavor. It hurts when the object of one's affection moves on as if you didn't matter at all to them. It doubly hurts when they do it before resolving issues with you or making an attempt to work things out. I despise people that start new business without finishing the old. It is poor manners in life, love and business...it is the main reason over 99.9% of the world despises politicians...it's their moda operandi. Now I dust myself off and see the world around me and know I will search until the end of time for that one special person that appreciates ALL FACETS of my being. The Good, The Bad & The Ugly...

It will take time to get to where I can get through a day without thinking about it. And having distractions would help if it wasn't for the fact of it being too useful and me using someone for just that endeavor. While a cunt extraordinaire, I am also more humane than the humans themselves and think that maybe to be humane has nothing to do with that species altogether for I have seen all manner of beasts who behave quite amicably to their kin and contemporaries. I have met people and recently met an interesting fellow. He reminds me often how hard it is for him when I come back to the past. I am intimidating. Deliberately and affably and half the time not intentionally. But I do intimidate because of the nature of my beast. And I don't want to hurt anyone. Most humans would instinctively want to pay someone, anyone, back for the damage done unto them. I just don't do things that way. I don't even "get back" at the people who HAVE harmed me. I don't need to. I see fate do it to them everyday and smile knowing that at least I don't have that eating up what's on my plate for the future...

I have been quiet too long of late. I am cold on the warmest nights and hot as molten lava in the frozen tundra. I will cut you to the quick if provoked in the heat of a war, and I will lie down at your feet and piss myself gleefully like a devout puppy while you cut me for pleasure. I am both an angel and archangel and Queen and  peasant and scholar and idiot. I am many things but not a fool. Just foolish in love and looking to be foolish again, only with a different tormentor, maybe one who will love all of my personnas this time...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.