here's some food for thought. I can not attest to what works properly in a relationship because I seem to have been the only one in many of the relationships. Either they have checked out or I have checked out (always having TOLD them when it was over beforehand). I can only attest to what doesn't work. This is Pain's Wisdom so listen up...
People cannot be judged by the past folks. There are extenuating circumstances that lead them to the things and crossroads they come to. The decision to do what they did is ultimately theirs, and you cannot truly decide if it was wrong or right unless it was you.
Love one another.
Laugh together and grow together.
When you feel slighted, talk about it. If your partner won't speak to you encourage them to seek help from a professional or a friend. If they aren't talking at all, then they have defined the parameters and you are now at that proverbial crossroad where you have to decide if you wish to live within their definition or not. These are simple rules here yet no one seems to get it. Why, you ask? Because we get what we think is the perfect person for us but fail to conceptualize that we may not be the perfect choice for them! I refuse to allow others to judge me by my many "#'s" of partners. I had my reasons for ditching the ones I ditched as the others had their reasons for ditching me. When I am with a person there is a certain amount of what I call "hurt-speak," where we bash our exes in a form of building and orating what we will and will not tolerate so as to get the other on the same page we want them on. We all do it. It comes from that place where we have become seasoned by our pain. We want to let others know what mistakes were made by another and even what ones we will allow them to know we own. A certain amount of this hurt-speak is acceptable but at some point you have to trust. Without trust there is NO relationship.
You've heard the adage that a smooth sea never made for an experienced sailor. It is true and the truth her lies in the fact that not only should you be capable of learning from your own mistakes but intelligent enough to find reason in the mistakes of others. No two people, not even twins, are alike. Not even species-wise as in my case, and I have made a name for myself out of my unhappiness with viewing the world with eyes that scream "should've, would've, could've" instead of ones that trusted. Trust still doesn't come easy for me as most of you have guessed by now and until it does I have abstained from any relationship until I know I can trust again and not be too intolerant.
If you love someone you accept the things that matter little that you wouldn't have otherwise. You have to accept them in a week, a year and a decade too. You cannot pick apart that person slowly because you are uncomfortable within your own shoes. It kills them. This person isn't as clean about the home; that person isn't as tidy; the other doesn't cook; even another is bad with money. We all have our hang-ups. Mine is the ability to lie. Little lies, big lies, they all hurt and create a sense of mistrust because you can never count on what the person says. I will always be wary of a liar and have unfriended people in real life and online because I just couldn't sit and listen one more day to the tall tales. It doesn't surprise a few of you that know me quite well by now that some of the shit that comes from my mouth sounds so fantastic that it is hard for others to swallow. That isn't a flaw of mine but an unwillingness of some people to take me at my word. It doesn't change the fact that I am what I am and do what I do.
A person refusing to believe that I am inhuman doesn't mean that I am human because they believe it so. It means they are incapable of processing that information right now and have to believe the lie they created to be comfortable in their world. I have issues with this but they are my own and I CHOOSE to minimize my social activities with these individuals.
Do not let other define you for you. We all came with the same mental equipment for the most part. For those of you who have a religion, they all tout the same rhetoric. Do unto others, honor this code or that...tell no tales unless they are your own (this is in reference to gossip), tell no untruths, live within your means, "want" not that which belongs to another. These are simple here and we all know them. From Bundy to Manson to Dahmer to the Hapsburgs to even the House of Dracule. WE ALL LIVE BY THE SAME CREDO.
When a peoples is so afraid to be honest with one another it begets so much anger, hurt and hostility. We don't just let it eat at us but we let it decide our lives for us. It is invisible pain that drives most bodies' will and into the dangerous rocks on the seas of life. I am honest, to a fault it appears. And yet the others' dishonesty masks their eyes to be able to see it for what it is. Truth. I can count how many times I have told people that I am a large woman and that I have had many partners of both sexes. It behooves those who have seen my physique to believe it true about my physical self and deny the latter as true. Then they meet some or many of the long term ones. I love the mental turmoil it spins them into when faced with trying to figure out why this fat-assed, red-headed, loud-mouthed, sassy, bitchy, comedienne can "pull" such fine "ass" as I have been capable of.
Be true to yourself above all others. If you have beliefs, then live up to them. Do not expect others to travel a road you yourself wouldn't. Do not make others walk behind you (unless traffic dictates it), do not walk behind another and feel it is your place forever. Trust one another. Be open with one another. Share your knowledge for IT is the only real power any of us has. Share your things. If you run out someone somewhere will provide what you need.
There really isn't much more I can say on this matter, just read it and reread it if you need the reassurance and be peaceful and content with your decisions. Make no decision that feels not right to you. It is never too late to change one's mind, heart, direction, ideals if they do not fit....~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Random Unhappiness
in order to provide a proper service and to remain true to the power of infinity it has been brought to my attention that I must loathe and dislike in entirety. No one person or thing is safe from my disdain and the helpful service people of yesterday and today are no different. Neither are children, family, elderly and retarded. Each group of individuals has its own place within the realms of my disdain and today I am full of the morose and contemptible want to eradicate myself from certain issues I seem to be unable to avoid.
It is inescapable in my life. I can't avoid what comes and only seem to be a reactionary participant. I live merely by eking by, just as most of you do and have days when it doesn't pay to open your eyes and allow the sunlight to burn off the first layer of corneal tissue to start the day anew. (yes, it actually does that...pay attention!) I lie awake and feel my heart beating and pumping deformed cells throughout the rest of the deformity. I feel the burning sensation of the sun's evil light and rays long before they make their grand entrance. There is a life out there for me. So why do I keep burying myself in some pet project in my dire need to immortalize myself in a false sense of martyrdom that no one else gets?
Fornication gives no comfort anymore. Food, no matter how masterful and artful the delicacy, holds no flavour. Sleep brings only torment in the fact that Dr. Freud was right all along and that all dreams are a manifestation of wish fulfillment or a re-hashing of the past, neither being a remotely positive film to watch. I have come to accept the macabre about me with a sense of mockery. Yes, folks, I laugh at myself probably even harder than you laugh at me for no one knows the vile of heart within my breast better than I do. I see things before they happen in my dreams. Many people do but they forget upon the awakening and even when I have had no sleep, I am able to see things. *I don't want to see the end before the beginning anymore. It is unfair to the rest of the world to remain so ignorant, and it is so cruel to put that level of trust in one soul to diminish it's viability in the world you thrust it to (*shouting at the gods now) so that they may have something to laugh about up there.
I'm stuck in a vortex where I am the stand-up act and they just love to shoot bullets and watch me dance. Only I ain't dancing and I ain't sitting and this is not funny to me. I want more. I deserve more. Many people get so much by giving so little and I give all and get squat! It's time to even the odds...revolution's a comin'...just when, is the issue~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Occupy MY Street
my best friend knows me so well. She has been hounding me to get off my proverbial ass and write again...and I have been thinking. It's what I do best and I don't like where my thoughts have led me...this is what has been on my mind...
Occupy MY Street!
Some days it just isn't worth the bitch and/or moan. There are things so beautiful and complex about humans that it keeps drawing me in. My only sadness is in the fact that I may not have had enough opportunities flow to me (maybe I just squandered those that did-who knows?) to be able to reward the faulted efforts of the deserving when they need it. I have no philanthropic endeavors but wish I had. Maybe, just maybe I am "good enough" to be published, sell my soul to the devils who will pay and take the monies and give it all away, save college and a home for Lobo.
I see people from all walks of life, my ninety-nine percent, and feel like reaching out and placing a kiss on their forehead and wishing (or is it whisking?) away their strife. There's this overwhelming sense of inadequacy that washes over me. Deep down inside your favorite monster is motherly on a grand scale. It gets her into too much trouble and is the root source of her unhappiness as well, when they bite the hand that feeds them. Today I met a sweet girl wrought with her own trouble and worry but not one wrinkle or tear or frown on her face! At once I was in awe of her inner beauty and listened to and spoke with her about her purpose for "being." I became jealous for an instant, not having been able to be at peace and smile as she does. But the jealousy would soon be brushed aside and faded fast. Replacing it was the want to hold her and her child, to adopt them as my own and aide them. That's just not in the cards for me today.
Social interaction is becoming so prevalent a part of my id that I am choked up on a continual basis and flaming fucking mad when my wheels turn and comprehension sets in about how her own kind, humanity has failed this young woman and her son. She is your ninety-nine percent too! She dotted all her "i's" AND her "j's" and crossed every "t." But the system is flawed and her network and family crashed under the strain. Did she cry? No. Has she complained? I don't know but she hasn't to me and I'm smart enough to read between the lines. She struggles, works two jobs and has a child who is ill and will not improve only having half his brain after over twenty surgeries before the age of three and blind as well. She cannot place him in daycare because of the nature and dangers involved with his disability. She gets some help but the medical bills bog her down. She's even in school. Her family is angry with her because they don't like the child's father, so they refuse to aid her because of a bad choice she made. She goes it alone, left her home in GA and came to FL so the father (now clean and sober and an exemplary parent) can co-parent with her. They will not reunite because of their differences but get along better than my own parents have or even myself and my child's father who rarely puts his child first.
People are so self serving and cruel. They have been this way awhile but the numbers, or rather percentages are climbing. I don't get how this happened by accident. I don't believe in most accidents. It wasn't an accident when a drunk kid crossed an interstate median and crashed head-on at full speed into the Elmore's sedan that fateful night some decade ago when my dear friend, Larry, just happened to be on the phone with his mum while his father drove home. They both died, not an accident, he at the scene and his wife about a week later from her injuries. They were old and for the most part by each other's side in the end but their son (one of) of now sixty years old still grieves despite the years that have passed. He was very close to his parents, unlike myself. While on the phone his mom told him she loved him and that she would see him the next day when they came to visit, then the phone connection was lost, terminated. Larry's television was not accidentally on the news. The helicopter did not accidentally wait until the bodies and injured were removed before zooming in to the wreckage on I-4 outside of Tampa. He still isn't sure how he made it to my house that night, only that he insisted on driving with his own wife by his side through his tears and grief in the evening. He fell out of his car and I wound up counseling him for over a year.
What I'm saying is it wasn't an accident. That kid didn't accidentally drink. The bar he left didn't accidentally serve alcohol to an inebriated man. He didn't accidentally get in his vehicle and it certainly didn't accidentally move of its own accord. It was no accident he was on I-4, nor was it that Larry's mother and father had been. They, all three (man in the pick up and his two parents) were all on their way home from a night out. Brittany's family didn't accidentally forget her. Her child's father didn't accidentally screw up and her community didn't accidentally turn its back on her. The governments around this world don't have accidents either. The Gulf of Mexico spill was just such a "not" accident. Stock market crash, Chernobyl, the Japanese meltdown of 2011. Sure the last two had mother nature's hand in it but she didn't accidentally create the nuclear reactors!
There's a whole other side to that ninety-nine percent too that many people forgot. Some of the "99" are intelligent, equal to that or even surpassing their one percent peers! They just have been playing by the established rules and are also financially too crippled to do anything to aid their families and communities. While profits skyrocket for the one percent who DON'T play by THEIR established rules. I am that ninety-nine percent. And I can barely keep myself and my child fed, but I have this want to collect and be able to care for all the lost children, kittehs and pups that fall in the majority. My bosom is not as large as it is for sexual purposes. Actually the larger they are the less sensitive they are for that pleasure. They are there to cleave, hug, hold, comfort and cradle the sorrow of others, the hurt and the lost.
I get lost in that, my apologies...So much has been done and so much needs to be undone. Too many people are telling you what to do and how to do it but won't pick up a rake themselves to clean up this mess. Yes, there are some and most of that some comes from us. The poor aiding the poor. Brainwash complete with the aftertaste from the corporate soap they themselves (the one percent) won't wash their dogs in. It makes me want to regurgitate yesterday's sponsors in their faces!
Now I have to think. Think about my thoughts and the conundrum before me. Deep down inside I have always wanted a bit of notoriety. I think everybody does to a point. But I've held back all these years, never sure others would appreciate my madness in ink as I do. Oh don't get me wrong, I think I am fabulous, but I also am wise enough and aware that what I think and write is not for everyone. So I have to justify. Do I have a right to meddle so late in life? Will I have the living time left to make a difference? What about strength, will and economy? I have to contemplate if it is all justified. For now I take the middle of the herd in that ninety-nine percent (adding four more mouths to feed as I take in my ex and his children to help them and combining households to help each other). My time is donated when I can afford to as well as my means. Maybe I could be like the race-car driver of philosophical writers, will you sponsor me? *giggles ~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
Occupy MY Street!
Some days it just isn't worth the bitch and/or moan. There are things so beautiful and complex about humans that it keeps drawing me in. My only sadness is in the fact that I may not have had enough opportunities flow to me (maybe I just squandered those that did-who knows?) to be able to reward the faulted efforts of the deserving when they need it. I have no philanthropic endeavors but wish I had. Maybe, just maybe I am "good enough" to be published, sell my soul to the devils who will pay and take the monies and give it all away, save college and a home for Lobo.
I see people from all walks of life, my ninety-nine percent, and feel like reaching out and placing a kiss on their forehead and wishing (or is it whisking?) away their strife. There's this overwhelming sense of inadequacy that washes over me. Deep down inside your favorite monster is motherly on a grand scale. It gets her into too much trouble and is the root source of her unhappiness as well, when they bite the hand that feeds them. Today I met a sweet girl wrought with her own trouble and worry but not one wrinkle or tear or frown on her face! At once I was in awe of her inner beauty and listened to and spoke with her about her purpose for "being." I became jealous for an instant, not having been able to be at peace and smile as she does. But the jealousy would soon be brushed aside and faded fast. Replacing it was the want to hold her and her child, to adopt them as my own and aide them. That's just not in the cards for me today.
Social interaction is becoming so prevalent a part of my id that I am choked up on a continual basis and flaming fucking mad when my wheels turn and comprehension sets in about how her own kind, humanity has failed this young woman and her son. She is your ninety-nine percent too! She dotted all her "i's" AND her "j's" and crossed every "t." But the system is flawed and her network and family crashed under the strain. Did she cry? No. Has she complained? I don't know but she hasn't to me and I'm smart enough to read between the lines. She struggles, works two jobs and has a child who is ill and will not improve only having half his brain after over twenty surgeries before the age of three and blind as well. She cannot place him in daycare because of the nature and dangers involved with his disability. She gets some help but the medical bills bog her down. She's even in school. Her family is angry with her because they don't like the child's father, so they refuse to aid her because of a bad choice she made. She goes it alone, left her home in GA and came to FL so the father (now clean and sober and an exemplary parent) can co-parent with her. They will not reunite because of their differences but get along better than my own parents have or even myself and my child's father who rarely puts his child first.
People are so self serving and cruel. They have been this way awhile but the numbers, or rather percentages are climbing. I don't get how this happened by accident. I don't believe in most accidents. It wasn't an accident when a drunk kid crossed an interstate median and crashed head-on at full speed into the Elmore's sedan that fateful night some decade ago when my dear friend, Larry, just happened to be on the phone with his mum while his father drove home. They both died, not an accident, he at the scene and his wife about a week later from her injuries. They were old and for the most part by each other's side in the end but their son (one of) of now sixty years old still grieves despite the years that have passed. He was very close to his parents, unlike myself. While on the phone his mom told him she loved him and that she would see him the next day when they came to visit, then the phone connection was lost, terminated. Larry's television was not accidentally on the news. The helicopter did not accidentally wait until the bodies and injured were removed before zooming in to the wreckage on I-4 outside of Tampa. He still isn't sure how he made it to my house that night, only that he insisted on driving with his own wife by his side through his tears and grief in the evening. He fell out of his car and I wound up counseling him for over a year.
What I'm saying is it wasn't an accident. That kid didn't accidentally drink. The bar he left didn't accidentally serve alcohol to an inebriated man. He didn't accidentally get in his vehicle and it certainly didn't accidentally move of its own accord. It was no accident he was on I-4, nor was it that Larry's mother and father had been. They, all three (man in the pick up and his two parents) were all on their way home from a night out. Brittany's family didn't accidentally forget her. Her child's father didn't accidentally screw up and her community didn't accidentally turn its back on her. The governments around this world don't have accidents either. The Gulf of Mexico spill was just such a "not" accident. Stock market crash, Chernobyl, the Japanese meltdown of 2011. Sure the last two had mother nature's hand in it but she didn't accidentally create the nuclear reactors!
There's a whole other side to that ninety-nine percent too that many people forgot. Some of the "99" are intelligent, equal to that or even surpassing their one percent peers! They just have been playing by the established rules and are also financially too crippled to do anything to aid their families and communities. While profits skyrocket for the one percent who DON'T play by THEIR established rules. I am that ninety-nine percent. And I can barely keep myself and my child fed, but I have this want to collect and be able to care for all the lost children, kittehs and pups that fall in the majority. My bosom is not as large as it is for sexual purposes. Actually the larger they are the less sensitive they are for that pleasure. They are there to cleave, hug, hold, comfort and cradle the sorrow of others, the hurt and the lost.
I get lost in that, my apologies...So much has been done and so much needs to be undone. Too many people are telling you what to do and how to do it but won't pick up a rake themselves to clean up this mess. Yes, there are some and most of that some comes from us. The poor aiding the poor. Brainwash complete with the aftertaste from the corporate soap they themselves (the one percent) won't wash their dogs in. It makes me want to regurgitate yesterday's sponsors in their faces!
Now I have to think. Think about my thoughts and the conundrum before me. Deep down inside I have always wanted a bit of notoriety. I think everybody does to a point. But I've held back all these years, never sure others would appreciate my madness in ink as I do. Oh don't get me wrong, I think I am fabulous, but I also am wise enough and aware that what I think and write is not for everyone. So I have to justify. Do I have a right to meddle so late in life? Will I have the living time left to make a difference? What about strength, will and economy? I have to contemplate if it is all justified. For now I take the middle of the herd in that ninety-nine percent (adding four more mouths to feed as I take in my ex and his children to help them and combining households to help each other). My time is donated when I can afford to as well as my means. Maybe I could be like the race-car driver of philosophical writers, will you sponsor me? *giggles ~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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