life isn't always funny and dramatic. We make it so and sometimes if even by accident. Your "miss mobe" (yes I still refer to me in small letters because though I may be a big bitch, the world will always be bigger than me) has lost herself again. Right now Peter Fucking Pan couldn't find her marbles let alone her heart...
It isn't that I haven't tried to keep things in order and perspective. I want to love and be loved. I could blame my mommy and daddy but ultimately, I have no one to blame. None of us really does. We are supposed to be masters of our own destiny. Only I am terrified because of the chain of events that led me to this fourth decade. Things didn't turn out as I wanted. Sure some have (Lobo) but most haven't. Trust was lost and fear set in like a perverse stalker parasite. I often wonder if there are any people who truly have it all together or if it is just a pipe dream on my own part and some due penance that I should ever aimlessly search for something that doesn't exist. Now I am paralyzed and fearful of many things. Being alone and "making it" and giving it another try. Fear of being worthy.
There are so many unfinished things in my life. Stories, poems, projects, recipes, songs, movies. I just haven't accomplished them yet because I am broken and crippled and need to face the truth. I need to see me as me and accept it and just rest and do what I can and learn to consider the fact that what my "best" is may not be good enough and to just be alone. But I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that. We get old. We get slow. We forget things. But we don't forget what love is and drive and ambition. I want to be young and beautiful again but I don't want to succumb to cutting into my flesh to morph into some sickly looking creature with too tight skin and boobs far too close to my chin to pretend to be something I'm not!
Nor do I want a man who will do such drastic things to try and elude time when we all know when your number's up...it's fucking up! I am not aging gracefully. Time played a cruel trick on this broad and let her have a pretty face far too long. I look at my peers and family that are close in age to me as well as strangers I happen to meet and realize I was blessed with a few things. A great mind is a terrible thing to waste (or take for granted) and a great waist is a terrible thing to mind! I got the mind. I wasn't blessed with a 36-24-36 figure and neither was the other 99.99999999% of the female bi-peds out there. I was also blessed with the allure of youth upon my face with the wonderment of a wise old goat prattling about my head and the drive of a virile beast in their prime. And for all the blessing I was given came the balance.
Yeah, balance is at it in my head again. My "balancing" was my less than perfect physique which I have come to accept and love, every roll, every wrinkle and every spot, speckle and freckle. We evaluate ourselves and some of us come up with a "too high" sense of self and some a too low. I don't have either. I keep it real and don't lie. When I say that I am fat it is not "dissing" myself but stating a fact and people have issue with that and express the incorrect notion that they feel I have self esteem issues. LMAO. You guys know me and for those of you just clubbing in with your retro glow sticks, ask the fucking doorman who loves me most: ME!
Right now my conundrum is how to do this thing called life alone. I haven't been walking on my own two feet since I met Laurel's step daddy Jason, my second hubby in '99. A dozen years go by and I forgot how to believe I can do this without falling flat on my face and I have a teenager in tow (with the mind of a scholar and the mouth of a sailor and all of her maternal grandmother's crappy-ass attitudes) to make it more fun and scary. My other issue is this, I am unhappy with what the fates be blighting my body with. My organ failure has been kept to a minimum but only AFTER the damage to the body was done. Clocks are ticking everywhere and I am stuck with all this energy and want and drive in a broken body...and I have been letting everybody know I am pissed about it. Boo fucking hoo. I need to just take some of my own advice and suck it the fuck up and tell the haters to keep on hating and masterbating because I have NO time for them because you know what? At the end of the fucking day, THEIR clocks be ticking TOO and last I checked....it keeps the same damn time as MINE! I may outlive you all...wouldn't that be neat? It would sure be a sign that I really was/is the Princess of Darkness and Dismay...
So every princess deserves a prince. My last issue is trust. I have so much loathing for lies and have seen everyone in my life whether personal and close relationships or casual and anonymous ones lie. Even my own daughter. I hate it. She has me as an example but why would she want to follow MY example when she sees so many others getting rewarded for their lies? So she chose her own path and lies...maybe not as much as your own selves or children do but enough that it breaks my trust even in her. And...it KILLS me. Men are no better. Lies have fallen from the mouths of some of the funniest and most eligible bachelors and the sexiest men I know who seem to profess an abject lust for a full-figured woman. You would think that would be ideal? But I ask myself why would they want what the world has told them is "wrong" or "not acceptable." And I answer for them...because most people perceive us as being not only lazy and stupid (like that isn't enough) but also so eager to please (you all) that we would sell our souls and put ourselves and our futures in harm's way just to be in some bastard's presence who will mistreat us and later try and be cute and make it up with bullshit lies and fables. Guess what? I married three of you fuckers and guess what else? I will bury three of you fuckers before I go! I dated another hundred plus...and this fat bitch ain't taking it anymore!
So the love life is reduced to self stimulation of the most carnal and comical (if you could only see me-giggles) kind and a lonely hole (pardon the pun) where a partner should be. Should be...funny words. Maybe there shouldn't be anything there at all? Maybe I am too intense and too full of thought to have room for them and such? I don't know. I am a good lover and friend and provider and the most honest person they know (they LOVE telling me that and then telling me that I am also the most fair person right before they run with their tails between their knees and abandon the future we were supposedly building together) and always make more concessions for their short-comings all the while they love to rub my face in my own messes and beat me (figuratively though there have been a couple of bruisers) with a rolled up newspaper like I was a cheap stray mutt they took in and I let them down. How can I trust? Whom can I trust? Should I even consider it? I don't do drugs and rarely drink anymore and even smoke a hell of a lot less than I did years ago. I don't know what else to put in that hole. I don't have all the pieces to the game. This puzzle is missing something and I can't tell what it is. If it isn't a mate (female or male-I love them all) then what is it? I'm keeping cats and they multiply more than I do and they're all males! But I love them too, they just don't feed that hunger that grows for outside affection and attention...so....I come to you. My readers and my followers and yes even you, the secret little fucking haters who follow what I say just to store it away like a squirrel so you can use it to gossip and create your own little twisted reality because you feel so low about yourself that by picking on the fat chick, you think it makes you look good...yup...I know you're there. Some of you are even life's blood kin of mine, though I did not CHOOSE my family but was merely assigned to them and OWE no allegiance to ANYONE but my own progeny.
...and even though I have affection that I feel for you all, the love I receive from you isn't filling that hole. It warms my heart but it isn't the missing piece. I have always had haters and always had people who adored me. I'm like that. No grey areas here, only black and white. They love to hate me and hate to love me; they adore me and consider me brethren or would burn me on a Christian cross at the foot of Mt. Ararat and be done with me. I long for a working body, a working relationship and will concede the youthful looks so long as if I have to look like Fiona, they promise me a Shrek to stay in the dark dank swamp with!
I have to take care of medical affairs and financials when I move. I have to do it soon. And then I have to sort through the last decade lost and see what I can salvage (literally too in the form of 2 storage units) and chuck what isn't worth the effort and time anymore and take what's left and glue it all and duct tape it to make it last until the next go 'round. I haven't lost my funny bone and for that I am thankful (if I had I would have never mentioned a religious historical pass and a Disney kid's movie in the same breathe!) and haven't lost my wits...yet...
I try not to dwell on what kind of mom I am while juggling all this mixed up shit and self depredation. I love myself enough to cut myself deep to feel it, so I can remember it better. Not literally, though there have been times. I just don't want to cut my sacred duty in what and how I have raised my kid. I think I did well enough and continue to do so and that's it. Not great and not shitty. I gave her far better than I got and for that, I do not retract.
These issues are not yours. They are my own and it is my closet and you are my guests. I know you all have some of the same or similar feelings of worth and worthlessness as I have. I can't fix you. I am still fixing me, just know I am rooting for you all even on the days ending in "y" while I am trying to uproot my world and reconfigure it...all my love~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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