there a things a woman has got to do. And you have taught me this and there is some fateful twisted universal blemish that has made you forget this. Now I will tell you...
Dear Ex-husband, Father of my child,
I am writing this to you in the hopes that you will see the words on the wall of disdain.
I know you think I am the world's worst wife and that I am a failure by you. I get that. But there are people who see me and respect me and know all that I have sacrificed to raise our daughter. I have fed her and clothed her and kissed her boo-boos and hugged her when there was no one else. You have paid your child support and even caught it up and that is a good thing. I worked my ass off to do long shifts to keep a roof over her head and pay the outstanding medical bills over the course of her lifetime that were BOTH our responsibility. We are doing our financial parts however inequal they are. I won't begrudge you her love.
You wanted me to know something long ago and I get it. I got it then. You even made sure that a magistrate informed me that you have rights and I have rights. He was clear, and you seem to have forgotten what those rights are. This is so needed at this time because I feel my life is being ripped from me again, through her by you. So, I am reminding you now what my rights are and the ones I know that are yours...
I am obligated to put food in her belly, a roof over her head, to teach her and guide her and keep her safe and from harm. I am supposed to provide faith and hope to her and give her something to look forward to in life. I am to make her available to you and to garner a relationship between the two of you free of my interference and my own biased attitude and assumptions where you are concerned.
You are obligated to do the same.
What goes on in your home is your business excepting where it inflicts harm or corrupts her or her daily activities as to be detrimental to her happiness and growth. The same is said for my home. <----this is the part you were so adamant about but yet feel you have the right to violate...
...what I don't get is how you seem to forget that you have NO right to dictate how I raise her. You are without faith, so I taught her mine and others by comparison. You are without responsibility, so I showed her a responsible person by example and assumed the lion's share of her duties. You are without her person in the flesh, because you chose an occupation that took you away from your spouse(s) and children so as to "free" yourself from the obligations of having to bathe, clean, feed, clothe, heal, etc...her needs. Others cared for her when you weren't there. Ninety percent of the time it was me, the other ten it was your significant others and their older children and extended family.
No one made you choose this life. But now you would tell me what life I choose and tell me whom I can see and be around or associate with and who I cannot? You convey to me your unhappiness and that you are alone because your third (I was the second, remember?) wife left you because she herself felt your controlling anger and neglect. (not unlike the second or first) You ate a tv dinner and watched The Godfather saga on Christmas when your child BEGGED you to come to our house (I didn't want but allowed and would have been polite and cordial) for a family get together, just the three of us.
She loves you still. And now she is a teenager and disrespectful, using terminology she sees you use towards service people like waitresses, phone jockeys, cashiers and the working class. She uses this terminology towards me when she doesn't get her own way and to others who refuse to cater to her every whim. Once a straight "A" student, her grades have fallen deplorably to mere "D's" and "F's" and she fails to consistently do the few chores and responsibilities that are hers. I do most everything else, broken bones and all and am told I am lazy and inferred that I am worthless because my wallet is not as deep as your's or your family's.
Now I will tell you something. I love her. Unconditionally and truthfully. I am not here to be her best friend and I did not decide to be a mom to have something to "love me" because I am loveless. I had her because I wanted family and I wanted to do something "right" with my life. She will know this when she is my age and has her own little heathen to contend with. I am not mad at her for being a product of her environment. I am disappointed that she chose to emulate the things that surround her that I taught her to steer clear from. And now...with the manipulation gene passed onto her from one of us or both of us, she uses you to cajole me into molding my house to be as accommodating to her as your's is. The only problem I have with that is this is NOT your house any longer. Stephen doesn't live here anymore and chooses not to really "live" anywhere.
I cannot give her the things you can. You live dangerously so you can "feel" what it is like to be alive. She doesn't need that. And I won't turn a blind eye to alcohol, drug, sexual abuse by her. She cannot come and go freely and is far too young to get a job. I was sixteen when I had a job...was eleven when I started working full time. She is sixteen now. but sixteen now is forty sexually and five mentally. What can she do with this responsibility but look for more trouble. She finds plenty without the aid outside of school. She is a sophomore in high school that once used to help cook her own meals and clean her room spotless and ask often to assist me in every way she can, when I was well and had the strength. Now I am ill and feeble and she feels I am holding her back and she refuses to even take care of herself unless she thinks there is the off chance a boy will be involved somehow and then later berates me and treats me like whooped dog because she is resentful I have to be present in my own home when her beau stops by. Why the young man treats me with more reverence and respect than she does. I question your motives and feel you only want me to allow this because it makes you appear more loving to her than I do. She mentions this a lot when she is unhappy with me. You, the father that NOT ONCE tried to pursue custody of her despite the means and capability to do so because it would interfere with your "busy" life of traipsing around the continental US sleeping with everyone and staying drunk in your off hours. What a glamorous life you lead!
All I can give her is my love. I can give her the few things I own, when I pass and the lessons I gave her and hope she will do something wonderful with them to better herself and this world. What have you taught her? What will you leave her with?
I want you to know that when I am gone she will have you. Legally, if she is under majority age, she will go to you. But there are countless others who have sworn to keep her safe and take care of her. It should ease your mind that you won't have to do it if even I am gone. It doesn't ease mine because you still parent from a place where you feel you have the right to "make your own mistakes" where she is concerned while I parent from there are NO mistakes and you only get ONE GO 'ROUND. If we fuck up, it is her that will pay. She is half of me and half of you and she inherits the detrimental halves of the both of us. Not every time she does something you don't like she's behaving like her mother and vice versa.
There is fear in my heart and head. It is heavy with grief tonight thinking of these things. I have worried every single day she spends with you and you have given me no course NOT to worry. Not once has she been bodily injured in my care, but in yours and the schools she has been harmed many times. I am weary and sad because I am losing the one thing I love in this world completely and you gain from that sadness. It truly breaks my heart. If she comes to you and wants to stay and there is no more breathe in my chest, keep her safe. I will be watching and I won't be alone...
You daughter's mother,
mobe
...there is nothing so strong as a parent's love and nothing so easily broken as a child born without it. But what is love? Is it is what we tangibly "get" for our children or the examples and things we do fro them to mold them into outstanding beings. Have you all equipped your little Miss(es) and Mister(s) with the tools they need to have loving relationships and rewarding lives? Did you give it your all with all you had? I know many that have and many that haven't and many, like myself who did but it was never enough because the "easy ticket" was much more intriguing and rewarding in the minds of children....May the gods keep her safe and ensure that she uses the tools I gave her wisely...this is my prayer every single nigh...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
*note: This is real in my life and yes, I am a woman (of sorts) and yes women AND men can be deadbeats or outstanding parents. In my case and perspective and hers, she is my only judge and she will decide long after I am gone if I had done a good job. When her child scrapes their knee or can't sleep at night, she will call upon her memory for what I have taught and not the drunken road trip she was took on when daddy smashed the mailbox after insisting she get in the car because he was too drunk to see and needed "her eyes"...
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