Lessons Learned

...so, emotions run deep when the winds of dismay shake your perfect little world. You deal with shit as it comes but sometimes you are the last person in the line for the game of "Telephone," and by the time the story's truth reaches you, you are already too invested into the situation and suffer great loss for the damage to unfold ahead...

Life isn't perfect. Yadda yadda yadda, I get it. But we strive to live perfectly in an imperfect place. We do all the right things and cross all our t's and dot all our i's and still, the variables are as numerous as the stars in the universe. You can never control all that's within your world around you. It is a lie to think you can and you are fooling yourself. So, should you be pissed at yourself for doing things right and coming up empty, or should you put your feet back on the ground and hold your head high and keep moving forward? I have to move forward. If there's one thing I have learned it is that. I don't revisit the past haunts and such. Sure I can take a tour de force once in a while but I just don't go dragging old skeletons out and adding them to the "potentials" when it has already been proven that they don't add up.

I now know what it is to love with everything you have. I don't feel the slightest bit ashamed that I did or even for whom. Now, I am just in a place where I need to keep true to my word but still protect myself from the poison I have become so familiar with. I can't drink from that cup anymore and his choice has made it so he has doomed the both of us to never getting a chance. He in his foolish and selfishness and I in my lost and reckless abandon. I am letting go...

Have been bleeding out for damn near a month and it's high time I plug that hole. My heart will mend and even my mind but right now is not the time. I won't be pushed into the next problem. I want something more for myself than the hands the fates have dealt me. And I don't want to be used again but understand that comes with the territory when a person doesn't take their time to research...and even when they do. It is part of the cycle. My first husband, hell, my first husband-to-be taught me that. Life is anything but a permanency.

My goal now is to meet and make new friends. And to keep reminding myself you don't "dick" your friends. I need to remember that one, first and foremost. It isn't going to be what you want if the first things you take from it are immediate pleasures and base it on that from the get go. I don't need to reassure myself I am wanted. I don't need to be reassured I am approved of, and if I am wanted now I will certainly be wanted later when I have come to terms with my psyche once again and am prepared for something mature and complimentary to both. I am aware of the work I have ahead and cannot sit and witness the destruction of another while my life passes me by...he or she will live with the choices they make as I have my own to bear...

So, I will continue to bleed. The hole isn't gaping any longer but I still feel the sticky trickle of red life escaping from it. I cry those moments, alone. It is my pain to bear. And I feel the sting and record it every time to replay it again and again in the future to remind myself of this lesson. Never be afraid of honesty and love and friendship. Sometimes you can do every thing correctly and just make one simple small mistake that sets the dominoes falling. Sometimes that one little mistake is just saying "hello," but you should never let that hinder you from continuing to emulate love and intelligence and kindness and honesty and faithfulness towards mankind. I have seen savage beasts treat their nemeses with better couth than humankind does its own kin. I will continue to rise above that and do my species great honor and be who I am in spite of the results...and I will continue to say...hello~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.