it's nice to come to an epiphany again in one's life even if is causes distress, however unintended, in another. I love for me. There was a time where I would have lived for you and her and him, but now, it is about me. Me and what I need and what I don't need...
Mind you it isn't easy facing one's truths, not that I was dishonest. Sometimes it just comes about that you cannot define what is going on or what the future needs to entail for you and when it finally hits you, it's like all the lights going on in the Smithsonian all at once and the manuscripts of your soul coming alive...
Truth #1. I like sex and want sex and yes, even need sex. Raw, immersed and carnal as they come. I don't have an issue with admitting this, and most people who know me and even a few who don't right away, can pretty much tell you what the agenda is today in the sewers of my brain. But this leads us to other truths...
Truth #2. Life is raw and real and doesn't always bring you what you want unless of course you are inhuman and happen to have a way with words and can not only articulate but fully accept the consequences of your actions in order to get what you want. It's powerful shit here I am talking about! Pay attention...
Truth #3. I can and DO get what I want when I want it. There is a certain amount of guilt. It's part of the consequences that goes with the territory. I accepted that but it doesn't equate me "liking" it one bit. You can accrue some serious karmic imbalance for the taking...
Truth #5. In my heart of hearts I never WANTED or "set out" to use people. Like so many other people in this world and my past and future, I am a product by design and environment and having been neglected and mistreated in my youth, it lead me to TAKE what I needed at all costs and to survive in that fetid and feral manner...not an excuse but a realization...
Truth #6. You've heard the saying (I know I will botch it but go with this folks!) that if you keep getting the same results that you are unhappy with and you haven't tried to do the things differently, then why are you so damned surprised when the results haven't changed either? This truth comes into play because, in all honesty, I want to make a concerted effort to change what I am doing. I don't like my results anymore. I am growing up, I guess, and there's a subtle sadness knowing I can't play jacks and jump rope anymore. I have come to a place where I no longer speak as a child or think as a child and now, the final piece to my tome, I am putting away childish things...
Truth #7. I know what love is and what it isn't and have seen it in many forms. I will never regret loving anyone, if even it was just a little or a lot and I am not going to defend my love for another because a person cannot understand it. This is where it goes back to living my life for me. I will not tolerate someone questioning my decisions. I will answer your questions in as lady-like a manner as possible but only to keep the peace so long; hostile interrogations will be met swiftly with strict contempt and a penchant for a blood sacrifice...
Truth #8. When I needed things I took them. But I always paid the piper, willingly, to get what I needed and always "tipped" well. I didn't just rob things and go looting through the souls and lives candidly as if I owned the joint. I gave more than I got and may have even set a personal price on my own soul a little too low for the value of what it truly is...leading us to...
Truth #9. I am worth more than the sum of my fears. I am in a place now where even though I am not at my peak in the looks and strength departments, I have come to accept and love myself more and set a higher price and value for the knowledge and love and understanding I bring to the table. Right now, I am still stinging from the karmic balance, but I know if I start changing my actions, I will start getting a different reaction. Just a little leery as to whether it will be for the better or not, citing back to truth numbers 1 & 3 respectively...
Truth #10. I am changing my actions because I want love again. I want to love and be loved this time. And I want it to be the last and to endure as long as either one of us endures (situations point to me crossing into another plane before they do)...this new love doesn't take away from the love I feel for others. They are separate entities and have no bearing on one or the other. My heart is big enough to care for many and had I been blessed with all the children I created, I would have many more to love, still love. It doesn't dishonor love to walk away from it and let it be. It doesn't dishonor love given when it is not received. It doesn't dishonor love to continue to care from afar while moving ahead with one's life. It doesn't dishonor love to love, again...
Truth #11. I have done many things most would be ashamed of but I say here and now that I am not ashamed of my actions. Only my motives, in afterthought. I ate like a starving street urchin and drank like a sot and fucked like a whore and slept like a bear, but I fought this world with everything I had and bled for my life and my child's life and my values and morals...and I wouldn't change a thing...not the poverty or the tears, because I learned how to love and me coming from a gross lack of it as an example...
Truth #12. I want the best for my kid. Why am I bringing this up? Because what I want for her isn't as important as what she wants for herself Whats's best for her is what makes her happy, and she will get her own karma-kick-in-the-ass on her own without me pushing my ideals. What's best for her is to live her life with the tools I and her community has given her and to do so with no regrets. It's all I can ask. I had hopes and standards I wanted for her but they were my wants and not her own. She will be fine and she will fall, as we all do from time to time, but she knows I will be a constant in her life and a beacon for her, and I am grateful for being able to set some fine examples, as well as a few wrong ones, if they give her the courage to go out and fight with her all...finally! Almost there...
Truth #13. The last and final piece...I won't give up. I continue my battle and my conflict within myself and do so proudly. I fight and the fight ensues and I carry my scars and memories and baggage and tools with me. My life will never be drama free because no life should be. You should wreck it. You CAN'T take it with you. I don't want to die all pretty and being Miss Goody-Two-Shoes with no dirty little smirks of knowing and nothing but an empty pretty shell to leave behind. I want my tales of failure and achievement and triumphs and loss to ignite and instill hope for future generations...
This is what we leave when we go. Not dollars and cents and heirlooms and companies. Our tales. Our folklore and heritage and the people we come from, no matter what type of bastards they be and the people we met and the people we loved. This is what makes life worth living. Not the beer and the wine and the ass and the money but the time spent chasing the beer and wine and ass and money. It wasn't where I was headed or whether I got my name in the marquee lights, it was falling off the fucking ladder, hanging onto one of the bulbs while my best friend pushed for dear life on my fat ass praying I wouldn't fart or shit on her, accidentally, in the hopes I CAN get my name on that fucking billboard...the two of us toppling to the ground and breaking our legs and some sexy EMTs showing up to bandage us and put us on a morphine drip, giving us the perfect excuse to sneak in some ex lover to shag the fuck out of in our joint room at the hospital. This is life. This is the curtain and what you splatter on it, blood-sweat-tears, is what matters...not when it fell or what costume you wore on stage...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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