Cleaning the Slates Again

sometimes it becomes hard to change everything we want to about ourselves. Try and try again but we fall short of the mark to be able to achieve a completely clean slate. The only way we can release the past is to rectify the numbers and tabulate the losses and let them go. Some of us find it most difficult. Those of us with impeccable memories can attest to that...

My ex and I went to dinner this evening with our child. He remarked that I wasn't all bad. I agreed but more importantly, I knew I wasn't all bad back then either. I saw myself in his eyes and realized he replaced the fresh-faced girl he once knew with the shrew he created and about damn near forgot the woman he fell in love with so long ago. And it shocked me. I never forgot the kind and silly boy he was. I hold that memory close to my heart and pray everyday she is with him that he is still like that boy when he is with her. I like that image better than the monster I grew to know.

I want to change my future but I have to account for my past. I was a good girl yes, but I was a cunt too. I know this and most days I am quite proud of the fact. He should be too as he had a hand in setting the things in motion that would enable me to become the shrewd business woman and cautious ally that I am today with people I interact with. In order to rectify my past I have to accept not that I am this but that I became this. And let it go...I think I did that tonight. I no longer view him as a child so much as a man who is broken and that it is HIS choice to fix "it" or not. I chose to leave long ago and I don't regret it.

Lobo sleeps tonight under his watchful eye but also with the knowledge I have culminated in her and planted like a seed. Someday she will look back on today and realize we are just two people who got along long enough to create this beautiful creature and bestow upon her the skills we could (or not) and set her out to accomplish her goals. It is all we can hope for and in a sense...I am at great peace in the know of my part in that~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.