it takes money to get anywhere nowadays. Today I spent quite a bit getting electric and water and sewer and what not turned on and now I still have to get cable/internet/phone on and change address with license, court, disability, SSD, business and banking. Always something.
I am sad today for a different reason. Not entirely miserable so just stay seated and chill. I will miss certain facets of what has come to be a crutch and co-dependent excuse for my disdain. I have always been good at pointing out the obvious so why shouldn't I take a "pot shot" at myself once in a while? Pretty soon over the Thanksgiving holiday I will be changing Laurel's school and unpacking and setting up "mobe-stead" for the pending future. I am already unhappy and finding fault with the place and finding reasons to sabotage my own unhappiness because I am letting fear guide my logic. Not very smart of the lass now is it?
I don't necessarily let fear rule me like that. I do let it push me and motivate me and once I grab my cast iron frying pan and my last grouping of "sons" (the kittehs), I will be completely on my own, again. I won't have anyone to blame for my folly that I know of yet though the fates love to act like bowling is played by placing you, the ball, at the end of the alley and throwing the fucking pins at you until you either bleed out or fall down. And fall down I do, often and truly most of the time not on purpose and usually at the mirthy happiness of others who find it amusing. It's tragic really because I don't advocate living this fucked up...I guess we all have incomplete puzzles we need to put together and kudos to those that get it done or at least admit it AND start to work on it. For me it is a lifetime quest really.
It's not that I'm afraid for my own sake. Any single person is always going to find a way. But to still have children at home...it is difficult and the they get more difficult because they see and witness the fallacies. Teenagers pick up on everything and then...throw it in your face. I don't want that kind of failure. I haven't been perfect but I have been close. She's testing her wings and trying to flex her "mean" muscles to stand up for herself. And she's doing it with people who love her and whom she has no reason to be so forward with. I only want her to be happy and it is why I worry so much and try so hard, for her.
It's a hard knock life and when I was younger I got to play "Annie" in a silly elementary school play. I could identify with the little girl in her crappy life and hoping and dreaming it would be better. That the guardians who looked after her were imposters and that a "real" mommy and daddy would come and put their arms around her and tell her she was loved and special beyond her wildest dreams. Then, life kicked her in the crotch. Hard. And she got up and dusted herself off and worked her ass off to make something, if even small, of herself. I am proud of the things I have done. But I feel I could have done more and now I am unable to do much at all besides entertain you all and believe me that doesn't pay the light bill or last night's supper. It's my "Schindler" mood, where I suddenly realize that my good wasn't good enough and that I squandered away time and energy on foolishness and should have been working even harder. I am sad and feeling the sting of my own self loathing right now. If only our children knew! If they knew how much we did and how little at the same time and how important it is that they make something of this place and try to "fix" the things some of us had broke.
Sure, it isn't their job to correct our mistakes but the youth has its rewards and everyone even the weak and lame has a part. Mine is now changed. I point out the obvious and focus on trying to raise a good citizen. Most people pray they just keep their kids away from drugs and drama but I decided long ago it wasn't enough. If I couldn't finish what I wanted that she or he should have some sense of duty to "humanity" (makes me chuckle now when I think on it considering our current state of genetics) to not destroy what isn't ours. So she gets a one-sided history lesson along with theology, arts, sciences and math. I am hoping that for all the unfinished business I have, that she will want to work on some of it...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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