I Was Just Thinking...

I Was Just Thinking...


the walls do cave when the lights go out and the lone-ness sets in
it is all I can do to not shed one drop of saline in the hopes that I appear "together" to the outside
a realm apart and always too self aware and now...hopeless
lifeless...wanting so much with so little to put in the place of these wants.
it is why I don't achieve. I have nothing to give and it is known that there is no barter here
days keep going too fast and I have finished naught what was started decades ago
given up for the love of another and another and another and another
until little pieces of me were gone like marbles in the dirt
and now
I want them back. All of them.
I want those pieces back and to feel whole again and when I look back I can't see a particular day
one moment in time or period to which I was completely satisfied.
there isn't one. I was too young when I was young and now I am too old, but I am young
I have always been too short to reach anything even my own goals and too wide to hide
I am even too thick to put to bed and lay to rest and too smart to get along with many
been accused of being funny and insane without even trying, and sent a joke faltering into thin air
...without so much as a snicker
so I have done nothing.
I sit for the first time with all that belongs to me of the physical sense of "things" and pets and kid
and I take no claim to any of it.
and seven of those things are alive and rely on me as if I was their life force to provide for them
and I suck at that too. I resent having to do it alone but I don't resent doing it
I resent having to make so many sacrifices but I wouldn't have done it any other way
I resent being stubborn and defiant when others have praised me for it claiming it makes me stronger
convictions suck
everyday is lived to be honest and good for some invisible belief that in the end it all matters
watching people do less and take more and prostitute themselves with lies and cheats and hatred
and I see it all
from my computer and my car and my cell and my eyes, though failing, along with my teeth
oh I look so young, but I see a day when all this blessed youthful visage gives way to a haggard old cat lady
so the boys and girls of tomorrow can poke more fun at and not just the size of her ass
tired is not the word for what I am
lonely and tired
lonely for like minded people and tired beyond the human years I was given
but I'm not
and yet I am expected to be
by everyone, even those who would say nay
because it is all they know and it is hard to contemplate the fact I even exist
or that my world is completely different
I have no rights
they tell me this while I am being chained to a flock
I have to conform
I must obey
and there is no reward
disdain and despair are like dancers on stage
calling me to bear witness
as I sit at my computer and watch what's left fall apart in a world not designed by mine
with hands who claim no fault
and dodge stones and tomatoes.
~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.