Friends

the friendship I give is there always inside of me long after their shadows have obliterated into the morning sun. I have been called upon to let alone a friend who is dear and also been called upon to take arms with those and against those I love. Friendship is always at the core struggle within me as to when is it enough to walk away and say "I'm done."

We meet people everyday who share our values and ideals. I meet them in person and online and via telephone or through a mutual friend. A smile can warm the coldest of hearts but a friend knows how to get them to see it. A friend is the person you can tell what you feel about your man and know it will stay there. That same friend can tell you about his wife or her brother or maybe the dog and you will listen and comfort and hold and not make fun of them for being weak. Friends know we ALL are weak to different degrees. Even the Wamphyrii are weak and have their momos in the sun when they wish they hadn't stayed that extra hour at the pier and now race the traffic and daylight to get home before the organ failure sets in, knowing they will have to unload the car and such in the "inclement" weather. I miss those friends I haven't had the opportunity to see or speak to in years and wonder if they are afraid to break the ice as I am. I feel when they ail and lament, when their families suffer.

I don't measure the worth of a friend by what they do. I measure them but what they don't and how they look at themselves. Some of my friends are very insecure and I didn't plan it that way, but I rather think it reflects my past and my wanting to "give back" or dwell in it. I feel more able and alive in my state than I did before I was ill and look at them with arms outstretched and want to see their eyes when they open and take in the feeling that washes over you when you accept yourself first.

One of my exes used to tell me how he felt that women and men cannot be friends because there will always be that undercurrent of sexual energy and either one or both will eventually get hurt even if it means they might have casual sex. I used to get so mad at him for that but now, I am older and see the wisdom in it, though I would never tell him. I really don't think he knows he was wise in that instance anyways as he was angry because I had a male friend who was kind and expressed affection for me in what I thought at the time was brotherly love.

Men and women see what their eyes tell them, for those of us with sight. We pick our friends by what we like and what we don't and what attracts us, yeah...I said it, by attraction. No one wants to hang out with a "mook" or a slob or a douchebag...and we all have different ideas of what those are. We believe what we see first and what we hear second, then what we smell and touch. It is how we are wired, and we rely so much on it that when we lose "sight" of things, our whole world falls to shit because we thought sight was the most important aspect. Thinking is lost on us.

It may surprise you to know most of my friends are considered freaks like myself. I gravitate to what I know and by societal standards we all are part of that larger group of "people who aren't on television and who haven't succeeded but just are average motherfuckers that the rest of you hate to admit you belong to also" persons who are really just about as unique as a fucking rock. All rocks are unique. And if I liked the same rocks as you then we would all be fighting. I just don't get why we fight at all and why people are so cruel. Yes, we can tell a fat person from a thin one and a white from a brown one and an Asian from a European. But when we look closer the bloodlines are muddied and all our friends are brothers and sisters to us all. No one is better than another. It is a ruse. By now the genetics is so spanned that you will find mixed blood in most all peoples on this planet. All of us have our dirty little secrets...I just share mine more openly. I have no need to take them with me when I go and where I go and am NOT ashamed for what has happened in my life, beyond what I have control over.

Now I am here. Alone in the dark with multitudes of friends scattered in their daily dramas from Russia to South America and the Pacific to the Atlantic. We all have family, whether we love them all or not, and we all have duties. My lazy attitude is not to hurt or disarm the emotional set-up. I live and let live and miss them all. I make new ones faster than I lose some and feel a pang of regret for the know of when I leave this place I will have finally made a mark. A year has come to a close...in eleven days. A year ago I thought I wouldn't have made it this far. But I have and need to do it again and again until there are no more...for now, just be my friend as long as I am...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.