Individuals: Part 26

been stewing over the information for almost a week. I offered to you some past work of mine because lately, haven't been able to grasp the words needed to form a complete sentence. The news I have been waiting on and hoping for came, your favorite freak of the night was finally approved for Social Security Disability.

It took me damn near two and a half years really. In the end it will cost me twenty-five percent of my back pay, I knew in advance and it is a fair price considering the lawyers would have taken one third or forty percent had I had one. Now they will factor in all the way back to my last day at work, taking into consideration they never pay you for the first six month it will put my back pay coming from July that same year and fast-forwarding to the present they will/do owe me something like twenty-nine months now and they have approximately sixty days to implement it. I will not go into details into the stipend excepting to say I earned quite a bit for a fat girl considering how supposedly lazy and useless the world thinks we all are. I will be getting more than most people's parents and family members and it is reflective and proof of my work ethic and history to which I have never lied about (Lobo, momma rarely ever if at all lies and yes, I have been working over 40hrs a week since I was 11yrs old!).

My private insurance that I paid for out of my own pocket wants to take these monies. I supposedly signed some paper saying they can. But they don't have the paper to show me. I do know one washes the other, meaning that if SSD gives me "B" and Met Life gives me "A" and A is more than B then they deduct B from A and Met still owes me that portion of A that is over and above B. Didja get that? Confusing ain't it? If B was more than A then I would no longer receive A but still be considered on A's payroll until my retirement age in case I should lose the SSD or get a decrease or some other government/corporation fucking around. Great, now I am stuck with Met Life watching my every move and my every shit. I am not completely sure of what they think, but I think they should have no entitlements to any monies considering they had gotten them already from me. I lost my home but paid taxes every year for the last 29years and even donated to charity and such the whole way of that duration. With the loss of my independence (as a result of the home loss) last Christmas...I was thrust into poverty and after almost a year, now can no longer afford my medication.

What troubles me is I want out. I want to work-go figure right? But their are no jobs I can safely do without seriously putting my life and what little is left of it at risk. Sitting in the dark stark raving mad and banging away at the keys for eight hours gives me some semblance of "work." I want to be independent again and for Lobo to have her own room where she will only be yelled at by me and be allowed to be a kid. Kids are supposed to "get away" with some shit. It teaches them that they have to live with the consequences they create and the choices they make. It also teaches them they have to strive and be willing to take risks to have something gainful in their lives, so yes, it is useful to overlook the little disobediences that occur and wait for the big ones before punishment is doled out.  I want to use these monies to get a home. Either rent one or purchase a small one for the two of us and our pets and to furnish it and set aside the rest for emergencies. I need to unload two storage units (small 10x10s) and my brother's house and will have to pay the expense of professionals to help me do it. And it will take into next year to go through and sort through everything in my life once dumped on my "new" living room floor and put away what we are keeping and reload what we aren't and donating it or selling it at flea markets.

I read somewhere the breakdown of what the government takes in for Social Security and what it amounts to with interest and so on and cannot help but wonder how they can say there is no money left and put people through the hell they do to get their portion it. I will be getting more than most, and because of this I am ineligible for certain programs I was hoping to be. I will be on Medicare and if my medical expenses are surmountable to being more than a certain percentage of my supposed income Medicaid will kick in under special circumstances. I have been praying for this more than anything. And with receiving SSD, I am able to work again but only a small amount and cannot make over a certain amount or I will lose my benefits. I need to be careful. Now Met informs me they can take more monies (that I haven't even received yet) when I sign up Laurel to claim on my SSD. Of course she will get SSD of her own once she has worked and such but until she is 18years of age, 22yrs if enrolled in college institution she can claim against mine because she is a minor and they are not factored in readily as most people don't "retire" until they are past child raising years.

I am overwhelmed. I fought to be allowed onto the mountain and finally was told yes. Now I am at the base of that mountain and have to fight to keep what is rightfully mine while struggling up that mountain of independence and trying to get the rest of the aid we will need to survive, however long I have left. It is grueling and scary to me right now, especially having to continually tell a child who was once used to not worrying about her next meal and such. I have to tell her we are too poor and ask her father to pitch in more and he wants to drag me back into court to lower his child support (which has not been raised in over 10years) after telling his whole community of contacts that he has been supporting "ME" doubly because his taxes have paid for her and I to live these last two plus years and that I am a fat-assed lazy cunt of a whore who made up a fictitious disease to get out of work. He knows better and it disturbs me to no end to hear him speak that way and treat his kid that way when he knows she has it TOO.

I am so sick of defending my right to live and raise my child in a drama free existence as I see fit. I am tired of explaining what has happened, what is happening and what little we have to look forward to. I am tired of grown people taking form the sick and poor and elderly and using it to only squander it like our government has. I am tired of science not having an answer to why I exist but I have found so many reasons and they have access to them all. I am tired of humanity questioning my right to breath and to bear a child who also is different. I was even asked, rather scolded, about the fact that it was irresponsible of me to even conceive an idea that I should have children knowing I was sick and different, if even not knowing exactly what ailed me. I defend her and myself everyday. And am made to feel ashamed because I am larger than life itself in the physical sense and in theory as well, for what we are. I am made to feel ashamed for what I think and how I love and the passions contained in me. I am made to feel ashamed for teaching my daughter the truths rather than the lies they would and do teach your children. I am made to feel ashamed because my body is weak and my mind is not when this society WANTS it the other way around in order to keep the rich in the top ranks and the poor footing the bill.

I don't know if I will stay here in this state or flee for the hills. I don't know what I am going to do but fighting will be a crucial part of it I'm sure. Not because the Wamphyrii love to fight but because, we are forced to at every turn. I am just plain sick and tired, there has to be a better way.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.