Me vs Me

too much to do and not enough two's to get it done with.

I am still here and lacking and wanting. Makes me think of all the smarmy phrases I have heard. I have been judged and I have been weighed and I have been found wanting. No surprise there. I have yearned for something my whole life. I have pined for it even and I chastise myself for even thinking on the subject when it arises. No words or syllables can even convey it for I am not even sure of what I am looking for. I found "me" and what I am and what I came from and for that, I'm glad. At peace if you will, but now I still feel an emptiness and void to which has been there longer than the question of who or what I am. I should be happy as most won't even answer that first question in their lifetime. But I am not just somebody and I don't go around being happy or sad just because all the other lemmings jumped off that cliff.

I have always felt sudden lack of emotions and even believe to this day, even more so now too, that my mind is not built for praise of the human kind. I like it and crave it in mass doses. There are many times I have even foregone food and water and basic needs to tread through the metaphorical desert of opinion. The funny thing is I really don't hold much merit in what that opinion is, so I am at a loss for why I would crave it. I cook sometimes just for the benefit of giving it away and am devastated when my beliefs are not shared. I have made some real messes of culinary trash and found many politicking the quality of my work and turned out some of the most fabulous and innovative "temporary art," as I like to call it, only to find it spat out and "bah"ed at by the sheep. I understand not everyone can be pleased or are capable of it. Hell, I am no saint when it comes to opinion unless you consider the fact that I am honest, to a fault. I will scorn and scrape and scratch whatever I can to test its endurance or its validity. But I lack feeling on it. My scientific mind keeps me from "enjoying" the fruits of my labor as well as of others. I would be lying if I said I didn't ever want to see my name in marquee lights. And I can give you more examples of why I wouldn't like it, but I never can tell you it will never happen or that I would piss it away. I like the limelight, I just don't like the paparazzi or the questions that stem from that lifestyle. I pretty much am already a bit of celebrity amongst my doctors and family and even then I wish I wasn't. Lobo craves this acceptance too but I think she is stronger than I and more capable of handling the audience she will amass. Me on the other hand, I lament for those days but with hesitation and as I get closer to my own end, I feel my chances are fewer so I am more apt to throw caution to the wind and attempt feebly at jumping from the springboard, without checking to see if the pool is filled with water. There are so many recipes and stories and poems and songs and even artwork I have done. It fills a walk-in closet shoved into valets and totes and attaché cases and such. I do all my own decorating for the most part and find the things my hands produce to be of the finest quality. I have been told so on more than one occasion and yet, I still am afraid. Not of rejection but of the overwhelming life altering acceptance. I like me and that me will be a different me. To only have a struggling conflict of infamous proportion! lmao-maybe tomorrow will be better.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.