never a dull moment in the cave of mobe. The heat spell we have is killing me faster than the sun can fry and egg and my legs have been thrashing on their own accord. I feel like my body is not my own and it has mutinied on me and taken over the ship.
It isn't easy to be needy or on a regime. I feel for the elderly and disabled out there who have to take meds on a schedule and eat so as well. It sucks the spontaneity out of life and makes each day a chore just to prepare the medication and treatment one needs to survive. I come from a great peoples and know in my heart that I do none proud like this, and it fuels more suicidal thoughts, as anything must be better than the deluge of depression I have gained. Yes, I feel for my own plight but would be willing to trade it in for a permanent residence underground if I didn't have other obligations. Laurel knows this and I believe she keeps me around with her infectious ways and tries to make me her pet project. I don't like the monster I have become. I only admire the beast I am born to be and nothing more. Lobo shouldn't have to alter her life to make sure mommy doesn't do something stupid. She sabotages her own correctness to imply she still needs me, but I find when pushed she is quite adept at succeeding on her own; it makes me proud. Melancholy and sweat make for bad bedroom buddies.
Things are falling apart. I have family and loved ones close to me who are losing ones they care about and I am aging too fast to stop but not fast enough for my own liking. I feel like a cad watching them grieve and anticipate the impending doom that hangs over them all knowing this person is gone, it's just a matter of time. Usually things go well for me when the world is not at rest with itself. Only now I take no succor in that fact as I once had. I used to look forward to other's bad news as it was always a clear indication that things were looking up for me. I felt I could control what happens and by doing so immortalize myself amongst the martyrs of time and history. Like when all my siblings relationships would suck to high hog heaven and I deliberately sabotaged my own happy for theirs. Ahhh, I see a pattern as Lobo is doing the same. Was I just fooling myself? Was I merely just glorifying my existence and supposing a god-like demeanor to that fact? I no longer relish their ail or their whim either, and find no similarities in the "who is hurting" and whether or not I can control it. I felt like a mutinous and bitter fool and now just feel like a non participating one. Nothing gained and nothing lost. I am at the same point to which I started so I might as well just sit on the curb and wait for the return bus to come along and bring me back to the destination I came from. I'm sad at the realization and depressed that I am no more important than the foolish thoughts I entertained and the taunting and haunting echoes from the words of my guardians. I hear everyday all the scorn and hatred and loathing they had for me and wanted to, nobly at one time, got to great lengths to prove them wrong. Now I just don't give a damn. And I don't want to be one of those danish eating, bingo obsessing, white shoe wearing, sugar packet stealing seniors either. I want to fade away...to greener pastures and a world of color again.~mobe's love for her all and her all for her loves.
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