The Land of Ould

apparently I am of no good most of the time to anyone whatsoever! I have come to this conclusion based upon what I have squandered through the years and what I could have done with that time gone past. Professional head doctors keep telling me that for all the shoulds, coulds and woulds there aren't any new beginnings because all that OULD is dragging you back. I am unable to move forward despite how I try to kid myself because I argue that those that don't take a good look at their past are doomed to repeat it. There IS an argument for every fishwife's tale and I am never at a loss for one. So today, just let us indulge in the sh, w and c(oulds).

There would never be enough time for me to accomplish a damn thing. I did have a good run and felt in the moment of any given task like I excelled above most all others. But it was to be the should that would bring me back to earth from the clouds where I hung out most of the time. Oh, I could go on to say that I am as big a disappointment as my family would believe and I was a major wrench in the life and times of all of my exes, but why in the hell would I buy into that crap? I am not all that bad. I just wish I would have done more like everyone else does. Does anyone look back and think to themselves that they did enough and that's it? I don't think so but I have been wrong before. I want a peaceful ending to the horror that is my life and I weigh and assess time and again whether I feel I am entitled or not. Depending on the day I may think I am and/or may think I am not, and you will find me still delving and drowning myself into the past and reassessing my faults and triumphs. Today is such that day and it does me a grave injustice to say it was good enough. I wasn't good enough and have no plans on ever being good enough for there have been plenty teachers to enlighten me thus. What's good enough and not good enough is a matter of perception. I am rambling here because I feel sore and tired and inadequate so I go on and on and on in the hopes I can regather the pieces of the mind that I had once. I lost so much and have so little left to pass on. My progeny knows this and so do my predecessors. One thing I am sure I have been good enough in is teaching my child how to treat herself and others. It is something lacking in today's culture and something very much needed too. I never have to say "I should have...I could have...I would have," though her own father does and so do her peers. I don't lie or keep secrets from her. I have been told I should have but I chose not to and stand by my choice. Children aren't as fragile as professional "nosey-nuggets" would have you believe. I will never have to tell my kid I would have done something but for...she knows better because I have done what I said I was going to do regardless of whom approved or not. And, as far as the word "could" go, there is no turning back and taking a look at what could have been. She could have been another lost lamb of mine doomed to roam my heart and mind and filling my eyes with the very tears her seven siblings do. But she didn't! So there are no coulds. I never will be a better mom than I already am and for that one piece of information, I am able to rest my head at night and sleep without the nightmares some of you do. She knows what side her bread is buttered. We are a poor and small but happy family.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her all to her loves.