amazed doesn't even come close to the shock I am feeling right now. I think it has something to do with this hot humid winter weather we have here in Florida. Either way I am baffled and disturbed and even lonesome for one in particular.
I am trying real hard to get my debts caught up and save some cash to gain my independence back. It isn't easy and I knew it wouldn't be but I feel like I'm running in circles. I have too much money going to pay out for credit cards and medical. I barely have anything left and I feel like a complete failure. I lost my home when my marriage ended and don't know how long I will have medical insurance per my agreement with my ex who I am on good terms with. He's a pain in the ass sometimes but he has a good heart even if it's a little shady. So I sit and rummage through the pile of envelopes and the ledger and the check book and see what's in store for the monthly future. Bleak. Bleak as all hell would be deemed if it were here. Nothing but darkness and boredom with red lines everywhere. I am too young to go down like this and too old to start over. My life cycle is near it's end and I'm beckoned to comply with everyone's wishes in that I stick it out. But when does the captain get to say "Fuck it" and abandon ship??
I have been told I am not allowed to think "ill" of myself and the word failure keeps ringing in my head. I should have been this or that or whatever and I pissed it all away for the moment and the feel and pleasure of things. Not in material gain but "mood" altering things like music and sex and yes, the occasional smoke and such. I wanted more out of life and am not disappointed that it didn't culminate. It's just not fair to my offspring when I wanted to give her so much and now am just able to feed and clothe her without any entertainment to give us something to hope for or break the monotony of the daily grind. Maybe this is why I need three "head" doctors. Maybe I am just complaining a little too much and should be thankful, which I am. I want peace and contentment now but my prognosis says it isn't to be. Jealousy sets in for there are many others to which have no problem lying and cheating and skating their way through life on the seat of their pants and get to "retire" and take a break and go enjoy their kids and friends when they choose. I, on the other hand, made few friends and have few relatives I still call and besides me and mini me and the cats, there is no enjoyment or retirement to be had. I still have to work and claw and gnash and fight for every little crumb. Jealousy it is on the wheel of fate and it will make for a rough sea unless I can shed this and get some thing, some glitter of hope and revelation to cling to as motivation.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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