All in a Day's Work

it was all in a day's work but not enough to give her hope for her future. I had it out with the disability insurance company only this time, I really had it out to the point to where the CSR, my case manager, would hang up on me and send me into a tirade that would last the better part of the morning and well into the evening.

To my credit, I did not swear or cuss out the insensitive bitch and have been in contact with her since she was transferred to my case a little over a week ago. We have been communicating about my benefits being terminated and at first she seemed like she genuinely wanted to help me. Notice I said seemed. I accused her company of putting profits and the almighty dollar before the welfare of the clients they serve and she gave me instructions to which I replied "Whatever!" and she hung up. Seriously! My other choice for end conversation with her was to say "fuck off bitch and do what you want cuz you're gonna anyway!" so the whatever I belted out was totally appropriate, even for a thirty-nine year old at the time. If I was miffed before I said whatever you can rest assured I was royally pissed off afterwards. I took two breathes and called back politely asking for her supervisor and when I was patched through I burst into tears and started cussing like the good sailor I am and crying my heart out because I am just having a hard time believing they are looking out for my interests. The worst of it was realizing the manager, who left the case and gave it to Miss Whatever, didn't do her job and others were interfering and they don't have all the medical records they needed so are pulling the plug on my life support so to speak. The super gave me an extension to get in touch with the other doctors they don't have the 411 from and then they will send out requests for documentation from them and make a final verdict on my life, deciding whether I can care for my kid and pay my bills or not.

You see, if I cannot financially meet my obligations to care for my child then her father has grounds to take her from me. I would be considered unfit. I am barely making ends meet as it is and am only doing that with the help of my brother and his family. I have been feeling like a failure for some time and cannot wrap my head around what these people expect from me. She IS the only reason I am not dead and without her, there really is no point now is there? I have lost my house, my job, my health, my heart, my mind and only have her and my shitty life left and without her there is no need to continue such a miserable existence. Life is hard when you look it right in the eye and realize it is going to pull the trigger whether you want to or not. I am trying my best but it isn't good enough. Not that I haven't said it all before but let's recap the last two and a half years:

lymph cancer~benign

cervical cancer~bad but under remission

considered morbidly obese~edema/chronic inflammation from organ failure and resulting lymphatic pooling. I am a plus sized gal to begin with but not this plus sized!

organ failure~liver/kidney/brain/heart/hormonal systems

mental acuity~major depressive with sever anxiety disorder and OCD and lack of censorship, suicidal and homicidal as in a harm to everyone(excepting my kid of course)

EPP~inability to tolerate light in all forms and cannot do so without literally killing myself even more than the above to begin with
...complications from EPP~digestive disorders that make Crohn's, GERD, acid reflux and irritable bowel syndrome look like fun! multiple fractures on an ongoing basis due to the severe malnourishment from lack of eating for over a decade that have depleted my minerals and metals to non existent and they haven't even climbed UP TO dangerously low yet with therapy

...with all of this How and Where am I supposed to work? What job is going to take an overweight mental patient who is dying from a rare genetic disorder and has NOT been released by her doctors who are treating her? Well Met Life seems to think I can and I challenge them to find me a job without light and standing where I won't be around other people and be occupied enough to not want to "off" myself on their watch!

I am not sick enough to get help and not disabled enough to stay out of work but I have several medical professionals who disagree with them and they still want me out and about....maybe I need to take a trip to Lexington KY where there headquarters are and apply there for a csr position...The economy is tanking and they are worried they won't make AS MUCH as they would like to and may miss that fantastic convention in Hawaii they were planning as a corporate bonus or may have to take fewer Leer jets to work and such and I am trying to keep my $1200 from them to live on with Lobo's $600 a month to which my medical eats up $600 monthly-so $1200 to pay bills and car payment and care for my kid(and five cats I've had for several years). It's all about the bottom dollar folks and they are 6mos into the fiscal year* and doing their annual reviews and are trying to shake the monkeys from the tree without cause or concern and the kicker is I am APPROVED until August from my LTD but they don't wan to pay the last six months so they want me off the payroll. Life is good eh?~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves...but lost at the moment.

* note most government and business fiscal years start on the first Monday following Labor Day in September(why I don't know but I remember this from economics class and such...fiscal is different that calendar year and is the reason most of the annual inflation rates and year end raises resulting from don't happen until the end of March...another reason to beware the "EYES" of March!)