thinking on the subject of unconsciousness or subconsciousness again. I read the book on the Interpretation of Dreams by Dr. Sigmund Freud when I was still in high school. It might entertain you to know that I did it of my own accord borrowing it form the library time and again until I finally, at the age of twenty-five, purchased my own hard copy.
Many people have tried to prove this man wrong. All sorts of medical and experimental studies have given way to proving the actual rightness of this man's work and I am not here to preach to the choir. I will say simply I concur with his findings and have even tried myself to come to a different solution. I have been keeping a mental track of my dreams and analyzing them since I was a teenager. I am almost forty now and have found not one dream that doesn't amount to wish fulfillment or the rehashing of old dealings in my life. Even my most carnal wishes of world domination and total annihilation of the human species falls under the manifestation of wants. The rehashing of old shit is the haunting of the past by our subconscious to bring about change because we are so tormented by the outcome. It can also mean we are haunted in a good way too and like the familiar setting of a trip to the beach or the first ice cream cone or something similar that we gravitate to in tough times. We either want or have had. Animalistic and crude and simplistic but accurate. If people didn't want they wouldn't want to live. There would be no desire to bear offspring or procreate the species. We would be mundane until our final hour and then fizzle out like a star on the sky's canvas, never to be seen with only a minimal trace we were ever here. But we don't, because we care enough to want and to dream and are twisted enough to commit vile acts upon each other to justify those ends.
I have no problem with what goes on in my head. Asleep or otherwise I have no issue at all. It is you and yours that have issue with my thoughts. My classification of mentally ill by way of severe depression and anxiety is a manifestation of your fears, for I know exactly what I do and don't give a damn beyond my own reasoning or needs. I have met most, if not all, of my wants through the ages with very little help from outside sources like family and friends. It troubles people to believe some of us are not conforming to the mass-stupification that all things have to be rosy 100% of the time. I like the melancholy me that is haunted by rapes and beatings and men thrown through plate glass windows and fighting with every last gasping breathe for what I believe in. Amorous at that! I am even more mystified by my own acceptance of the basic principles of why I am here and am no longer cluttered by "what ifs" for there are none, only the "what is'." I eat, I sleep, I shit, I piss, I fornicate at my own will, with or without the aide of another. I will kill if my time has come to do so and I will do so merciless and without regret. I don't regret picking my nose as a child nor do I regret anything my body can do whether it be dream or die or cause strife into another's existence. It is sad when I affect so many without even trying but definitely not depressing. I am only depressed because it is the only explanation for why I am so angry and quick to the take. I will confess to trying to right the world as I am molded. But we all do that. Four decades of being fed the stories of a lifetime and then finding out the truths and that they aren't as demonic as the rest would have you believe tends to allow you a certain crazy/mental STABILITY that others lack and fear, so to make themselves validated will explain you as ill or sick and inferior, however they can classify it. I am aware of almost every dream I have had and been able to swallow the jagged little pills along with a heaping helping of the lies fed to me when I was young. Anybody who tells you they never thought about doing in the existence of another or wreaking havoc on their foe is a liar. Acting on those thoughts is what separates the men from the boys. Pure and simple. This is not an allowance to you to randomly and without merit be a shit. But if that time should come when it means everything to make a stand and lay on some heat and take the life of another, then make sure your facts are straight and you follow through. That whole don't draw or point a gun unless you intend to pull the trigger works too! I'm an easy read. If you find you seem to be dwelling on the list of people that my world can live without, it would be a good thing to keep your distance and to stay away from what is mine, as we all know what is whose at all times. Believe me the English, Spanish and the Vikings knew full and well there was a peoples on this land and yet, they took what they wanted and burned or plagued the rest. If you come to plague me, know I will take back what is mine and that I have instilled my blood and my kith to follow in my footsteps even if those steps lead them to your door!
I know my uniqueness and that I am wired differently than you. There is no justification other than I am what I am. I am not human nor a duck. I will cleave to what is mine and obtain that to which I need and spend the days in between enjoying the fruits of my labor. Nothing more. No unawakened thought is left untouched. Nothing is spared. I am as one in entirety's whole and at peace with who I am. Are you?~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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