Worth Waiting For

the value of a desired object is also in accordance to what it is worth waiting for. Desire is a complicated emotion because it brings to question a person's tastes or opinions, and not everyone would agree. Some feel drained and feel like they are running up against a brick wall on that fact while others could care less. The truth is it is a good thing we don't all crave the same things or attention from one another as the diversity makes it all worth having in general.

Right now as you are sleeping you are listening to your subconscious hashing out old business to the want of wish fulfillment. Dreams are our way of "winning" in the long run and most everyone has dreams of want and desire. Even some of the most darkest dreams from the most uncivilized peoples are a manifestation of want and wishing. I myself confess to the perverse world of the subconscious and it's way of eradicating what we don't want to be tied to and achieving that to which we want to obtain. When at my darkest hour I wished for my end. Only my rational self couldn't allow it to happen for fear of the safety and the ramifications to my child. So, in my dreams, I would fantasize about her and my end. It bothered me. It still does but I understand it for what it is. I could never ever harm a hair on her head and she knows it, but in the end we rode off to some nirvana together and left this world. I never saw it as ending our existence, for to me and my beliefs it was the passage from one plane of existence to another, higher and better plane. Most would be ashamed to admit this so openly but as I promised, there are no secrets. This is for her, this blog and all I write and leave behind are for her. She knows most of this already and understands far more than most adults do or her peers.

I don't want to die painfully but I have seen my future time and again and know this will come to pass. Dying is not a "just" situation to talk about because of the nature of most peoples' fears that I seem to lack. I welcome it as well as a kiss from a tot on my cheek for a dolly given. Love is no different than death. Most will argue whether it is an emotion or not but death isn't an emotion either, for those of you who entertain that ideal that they aren't. We crave death, our own or others and we desire love from both ends as well. My love currently is under reconstruction to be built yet again while under the heart of another. He is away and is coming "home" soon but I know we will not get our chance to be together because his obligations will keep him away as most assuredly mine will keep me here. When I lay my head down tonight, I will find my wishes manifested in the dreams that unfold of how we will be with one another and the intimacy between us. They will be interrupted a few times by other wants and desires but right now, in this moment, what I want now is him. I am not sad or pissed or angry. I accept that we are who we are and will be who we will be, and we have to either accept what the fates have in store or admit a wrong fit and find a more suitable block to which we can build our love upon. We both are treading hazardous and dark waters because we both have rocky pasts and skeletons that haunt us to this day. I don't know if we will survive but I know I want to make a genuine effort and am hoping that is a common goal for us both. We will find out in due time for sure. It's been a long time for us and we spend it a couple times a week in each others company from afar getting to know one another. Only now he is on his way home to take care of his daily life issues and will more than likely not have time to visit before returning to his unusual career schedule. For now he makes me happy and makes me laugh and keeps me in line and even sends some of the sweetest and tenderest moments that make me just find more worth in him than he may have in himself. He is worth waiting for and I know when the time comes he will not disappoint me and I hope I am what he has been dreaming on. I want to be the one that he finds worth waiting for. So, I make peace with that fact and I sit on the shore of life looking out upon its rocky waters and wait for that ship to come in. Heaven has no place for us when it does, for we will behave like two unruly children and heathens for sure with our giggling and chuckling and our kisses and hugs. Know that he is missed, as I'm sure each and everyone of us is throughout our lives. He finds it odd that I can say that I missed him. He doesn't understand how a person can miss something that isn't tangible. Until he sees me and accepts me I am not tangible to him and I am ok with it like this. I cannot dictate what he thinks and feels but I won't stop telling and sharing mine and he will soon see that I was genuine in my account of missing him. Maybe he may even get what the fuss is all about too-who knows?~mobe's