Idle Worship

long ago there were peoples who worshiped the sun and the moon and the rain. Today not much has changed, and I sit and ponder the visits from old friends as I notice they haven't changed either. I am too tired to fight about stuff I cannot change. There isn't enough care, want or energy left.

Whether they intend to or not people always manage to find the right way to hurt one another. It seems it's the only thing we are good at really. No matter whether human or not we all know how to bite to the core of an individual with the quickness of an asp and leave no carcass behind like a tiger in the reeds. Children and men and woman and the elders all know exactly that point to which they made you "just" snap. First the shocked look of horror washes over the target. Then comes the welling up and the running in circles in their mind opening every door looking for a solution or comeback. Either way it hurts and good too. I bite often as I can and I know the exact words that will hit the mark as well as the right time to lay hands upon the ignorance of mankind. Sometimes they just irk me enough when they don't get it. They needs a helping "hand" to remind them of where their brain lies and where their truths slumber. I just don't feel it anymore. My golden years of "retirement-forced" have yielded a lonely existence for me. Deep down inside I know it is meant to be like this for me but I still hold on to this stomach turning hope that there would be someone, anyone, I can spend the rest of my days with and have a reward in kind for all the hard work I have done and all the good deeds I amassed. Of course the fates would have it otherwise seeing as they have a better record than I as to what my accounts held as far as goodness goes. Let's face it, any good deeds brought on my behalf were mostly those I deliberately used to justify an end or mean for my own self preservation. I am not really sure there are any that are completely without a reason that benefits me.

We are a selfish lot. All creatures are and we supposedly are the ones who are superior. Only the difference between me and you (besides the obvious) is that I am aware of my selfish acts and accept them as inevitability whereas you sell yourself a story you wrote yourself to assuage your own insecurities. I know I am worthy of a vacation even if all of my deeds have insinuations attached to them. I know I deserve love and affection and companionship too. I am also aware how I perceive myself may not be how others perceive me and that the beauty in me is only found in the fractures of my humanity. There is no golden mane or porcelain skin for one to look upon and covet and cherish. There is no perfect structure or mind to hold up to the barrage of whims one has for the self. I am not ever going to be completely cool with the loneliness but at least I keep good company for myself.~ mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.