schooling I think is in order. I need to do something to propel myself forward and dig myself out of this rut. The government is not willing to aide me that I know of yet and to wait two months to get out on my own is unacceptable. I need to get a home put together for Laurel and I if it kills me, and I'm sure there are some who think it will.
The idea of needing schooling stems from the fact that there is no occupation to which I can be cleared from. I am not allowed to be around other people and to work customer service is asking for a melee of problems to occur. At the end of this month it will be eight months since we lost our home and in these eight months we have been making family uncomfortable and being put in uncomfortable situations where our freedoms and privacy has been compromised. Social Security Disability will be no more eventually and I am waiting on word at to how and what they deem is disabled enough. My private insurance wants me to go through vocational rehabilitation, but with the parameters of what I must do per my disorder to live, it would seem close to impossible unless I become a ghost writer or do something from the darkness at home. Office work is out and so is production and assembly and customer service is a "no-no" because I am not well of mind enough to tolerate people's stupidity without opening my big fat mouth! So unless I can do data entry from home or phone work on an as per basis(which I don't want to do; been there, done that with the adult entertainment industry), there really is nothing I can do but sit and think and watch my life dissolve into the nothing that my heart and mind have become.
I feel guilty because I am dragging Lobo down with me and I give her no hope for a future in what she has seen with me. It fills me with rage still and it makes me sick to my stomache when I want to give her so much and have but do so mostly alone. Her own father giving her so little and taking it all away when he throws a fit, leaving me to carry the load. Only the load is too heavy and I have to rely on a child's aide who should be having fun and going to the movies and swimming and all sorts of recreation this summer. And the best I have given her is a few trips to the pier to go fishing. I can't spend money even if I have it because I am watched like a hawk because I cannot afford to pay rent where I am at and they watch every cent I bring in, even food, and judge me as "holding out" on them or lying about my means. It has come to this. I know I must do something and I think trying to do medical transcription or legal transcription may be the only way to support my child and give us freedom and our own home.
I was hoping that the Social Security would open doorways to free medical for me and probably low cost housing but now can't wait. I would be eligible for food assistance as well according to my income but none of this can come to pass unless two men who don't know me from Adam decide if they think I CAN work, let alone whether there is viable work in today's economy. Five applicants per job means much walking around and wasting money I don't have on gasoline and office supplies and time and ailing health by the light of day to go look and compete for one of those jobs. And no one wants a cripple with issues or a single mom and I am both. (*holds head in hands and cries...looks up to see Lobo walk in and wipes tears from her face) I love my kid more than air and I have failed her and she still loves me and smiles and I feel like I don't deserve it at all.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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