the sadness comes at a cost. I did this and I alone can fix what I did. I may not have broke myself, maybe I came defective, maybe those I was given to the guardianship of broke me, but either way I am broke and I keep picking apart the splinters of my carcass apart and I need to stop doing this.
I perceive the world as capable of knowing right from wrong. This is a flaw. Not just mine either, and it has caused me great unhappiness with the expectations I hold myself to and others as well. The ideal of wrongs and rights is a perception and only a perception because environment dictates a person's actions. I keep telling myself I am a good person and for the most part I would agree, but I wish so much to NOT be and this is a moral short-coming I have.
I spent the day crying yesterday. I DO have a beautiful daughter and have a pretty fair life when others suffer far worse, but I am truly unhappy and not content with it. I know there is more to life. I know there is more that could have been done and could have been achieved and could have been added to my hope chest to utilize better. I know there is so much that has passed me by in my grief. I have been grieving for far too long.
Some will tell you it is because I haven't found god. Some will tell you it is because I am unwise or too smart without application. I refuse to accept that my life is a lie. To sit and admit I am unwise or ignorant would make me a fool. I am not a fool though am capable of foolish things. This is the little shred of humanity I claim. No one could be more happy to find out they don't belong! No one would be as relieved as I was/am to know who and what they truly are but it still doesn't make me happier or wiser or content.
I am still learning. I don't want to but have yielded to the fact that I am and this is tiring. I want to be a slacker like so many others have become. I want to be "retired" from life and just be peaceful and calm, but I will never be peaceful and clam without accepting what I am completely. I haven't done this yet. I am still struggling with how I came to be, unlike most of you. Sure a man and a woman...but I am not blood of their blood or flesh of their flesh. By humanity standards I am tainted and I see this taint as running deeper than thought or body.
What do I do? Who do I turn to when there is NO ONE of my own kind to teach me? I am alone. People don't like to hear that because I do have friends and family. But as a species of my own person I am alone. I have to teach my child and there is no one and has been no one to teach me so I feel like a sparrow lost in flight. My body is still strong for a human but so weak for our kind and my mind is broke. I am a crippled bird and I am afraid. I must keep going and give her all I have and hope the fates are kind and can give her the things I was unable to...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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