by the door stood an old picture frame that she kept there in the hopes that if she stared at it long enough she would slip away and live forever in the dream of the moment it was taken and be back in his arms forever. He had been gone too long, and they say one gets over such loss with enough time. Only, this time it seemed like the world's most impossible task and she wasn't up for it.
Her tiny body crumpled to the floor in heaves as she clung to his photo. If only she hadn't gone to the mall with her sister. If only the kids hadn't stayed late after school. If only she could have stopped the car and that man who plowed into him while on his way to pick up the kids, their kids. If only they could have a "do over" so she could tell him how much she missed him and hold him and kiss him and tell him every minute how much he meant to her. There never is enough time to do the things we want to do. The clock in the hall struck three and soon the children will be home. Madaleine picked herself up and wiped the tears from her smooth face and took another look before placing the small frame of them embraced together back on the table by the door. Dinner and things needed to be readied now because once the boys returned, all hell will break loose as it always does at three forty-five each day from Monday through Friday during the school year. Phillipe and Paulie and Thomas had been such great support to her in the last few years. The two older knowing the man their father was and Thomas only understanding through the stories his big brothers told and the many photos they kept around the house. It wasn't normal keeping them, and only since they moved to the new apartment had she decided to get all the pics she could find of Phillipe Sr. to place everywhere and in every room, so she wouldn't feel so alone and so the boys would never forget him.
In the five years he'd been gone she tried to date. One fumble after another and so short on time with juggling soccer and pee-wee football and such for three growing boys. The men were polite and handsome and good candidates but it was always going to be "too soon" and she would always compare the way they ate or the way they slept or the way they wiped their nose to every little twitch that was so familiar in Phil. "Someday," she kept telling herself, "Someday I will be ready...maybe when the boys are grown" and then dismissed the thought because it made her feel like she was cheating or not holding up her end of their vows. She knew it wasn't so but kept feeling lost in the past and that embrace, when Phillipe would sneak up behind her and wrap his large arms about her and push his nose to the back of her neck as he breathed in deeply of her essence and sighed then nipped her gently. Shivers ran down the tired woman's spine as the key turned into the door and Phil Jr. came barreling through the entry with his two younger brothers in tow.
Dinner would be a quiet affair as was the custom when their father was alive. Afterwards, they would clear the dishes, each having a task and converse about the day's activities and how they looked so forward to the weekend having so much already planned. It was Father's Day this upcoming Sunday and they always went to the cemetery and laid flowers down on the concrete slab, only this holiday they will be taking a trip to the beach to bask in the sun and remember times in a more positive light. It wasn't time to let him go just yet, nor was it time to replace. It was just time to not feel sad or to hold the future forever bound in the absence of what was keeping it prisoner from what it could be. She was looking forward to laying in the sun with her big umbrella to shade her as she read some novel or other from her eReader her children had gotten her for her birthday just one month earlier. Madaleine was well on her way, she knew it and again felt the pangs of guilt as she kissed each of her young "men" as they approached. Nothing would stop her from letting them know she loved them, needed them, adored them and always will. She wouldn't let the opportunity slip by.
Alone in her bed she would read on and even write her thoughts out in the notebooks she kept on the headboard and accumulated. Tonight she will hear them snore and dream while her own sleep wouldn't come too soon. "Someday" she thought again quietly to herself, "Someday it won't hurt so much and I will see him again." And with that last final thought, drained of the tears of the passing day and the torment of guilt she has bore for so many years, a woman in love, still, fell asleep with hope, dreams and love for her future(tbc)... mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
No comments:
Post a Comment