To Keep or Not To Keep...

to keep or not to keep that is the question. It isn't what we want for a life that matters so much as the choices we have and what we choose.

You have options. You have always had them, but when you are a child you are brainwashed into thinking you have none and that everyone and everything must flock to the same staff, from the same shepherd as the sheep before them had. I love someone who loves me, but we don't have a perfect relationship. No surprise there as many of you have been or are in the same situation. We talk about love and loving and being in love but never talk about the options of loving. If one does not have perfection and wants to strive for it, then who are the "yous" and "theys" to tell them they shouldn't or couldn't stretch for perfection based upon your own beliefs. You have the option to pursue that end, although possibly non-existent, realm of the perfect companion. I want that. No lying here. And I know everyone wants that, but we barter for what we settle for and is there any wonder in the fact that so many failed relationships or marriages are out there?

I get so crazy when I fall in love. I think we all do. I don't think rationally and have to rely on instinct as a guide. Leaving it up to family and friends is not a good idea in my case considering both have thought that homeless, drug using, alcoholic cheating, wife beating assholes were all I was good for. They still do and I could spend this post telling you why I speculate that they do or I could refuse to let them run this[ ]space and move onto my own erratic behavior and how I can fix this shit before I get too deep again.

The man I love is handsome and funny and sweet and loyal and faithful (as far as I know) and doting on his child. But he isn't perfect and I know that most of you are thinking to yourself: "What is her deal?!? That guy is a GEM!" But be fair, you don't know the whole truth. This was a demonstration just to show you that I'm not the only one to short-change myself as I think all creatures do when we see only the good points in the beginning and then look closer and find the "gem" is flawed...So, back on track, I get turned on by him so uncomfortably that I think about him constantly and it gets me...like right there! So where's the issue? He is naive and I have yet to be fulfilled, and he is also "closed-minded" which makes enlightenment more so a problem, showing me a bleak future sexually speaking. He matters a great deal to me and is one busy man with all he does for others. Just to get time with him is next to impossible, and then it serves that I am just there to assuage him and please him, feeling a little left out and one-sided.

I know he doesn't intend this to be this way and this, my friends, is what not telling the truth does! At some point many women have lied to him. They have told him he is "the bomb" and he is awesome and all that happy hooah about his prowess (or the lack thereof) and he bought it, hook, line, sinker...hell even the farm! And now I am met with the difficult task of keeping my mouth shut and enjoying the hundred or other qualities he has, when he can share them in his busy schedule and thus, remain unrequited and unfulfilled, or I can speak up and risk hurting him and either putting a wedge between us or leave altogether, leaving it for someone else to deal with. The truth is when he does "play" with me he is wonderful with kissing and he feels wonderful inside, but like so many blokes before him it is over too quickly. And I don't have a lot of faith in this one being able to be taught much because of the closed-mindedness he brings to the table. It doesn't make me feel like a prostitute as it once had, and if I am forever alone, I would be a masturbating fool either way, so why be alone? Do you see the issue I have here? Would you want to be there? I don't think so and I know you wouldn't as no one is THAT stupid! What if I find someone else but have some time invested in him and then feel the urge to leave and then wreck his world (our world) and his child's and my child's worlds too? There's too much to fuck up with this one as most of the people I keep company in my bed are childless or their children are grown. His and my kids are close to the same ages.

So, why am I talking about this with you? I know my answers and don't feel ready to share them as of yet but felt the topic was a good one. It's like fishing, you cast a line and reel something in and judge it. "Do I keep it or throw it back and if I throw it back will I starve or will better fish come along?" What would you do?~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.