the lies that are told are never more truthful than the rationalization that brought them to fruition. We err consistently and yet, we want not in others to see this erroneous side of ourselves.
People can make all the excuses in the world for their behavior. And I am no different nor is any other creature. When looking on the antics and attitudes of cats and dogs, one finds it easy to recognize this fact time and again. A cat is high-tailing it through a house it knows like the back of its paw and suddenly forgets the glass enclosure to the lanai that it is about to crash into. It was pure stupidity on the part of the cat but true to nature, he shakes his head and walks off slowly with his tail in the air as if he "intended" his mistake from the get go. The lie was in the fact he tried to play it off as intended (for those of you slow on the take).
In relationships I do this. And I know I am not alone. I decide early on what I will and won't accept and then get less than I deserve by allowing them to do such (my own glass enclosure), and then, shake it off making the excuse that it was okay or providing a much needed rationalization to why I am having a change of heart on what I deserve. This makes me an enabler and it is something I see surface time and again in my interpersonal relationships. Don't get me wrong, I want things to go smoothly and know that I have difficulty in choosing what is best for myself. And even when I have allowed others to choose for me much to my dismay, it only serves to jade me that much more a shade of green for all the hell it causes as a result of their choices failing as well as my own do, and it's not their fault or blame. It's my own. I give up. I am changing again, I think. I want to be with someone but need to see that I am perfectly fine without and it is not a detraction from who I am as a person should I choose to stay alone rather than repeat mistake after mistake. I am a good person whether alone or in partnership and will no longer settle for less than a partnership. Hell, I am not even going to look for a partner (and probably won't see one should he knock me clear on my ass either!) and might even consider another bout of celibacy for a duration while I sort out my self worth.
I am ultimately happy with myself and accept what I cannot change at this time. Sure, I am not as pretty as I used to be but who is at age forty? I am not as strong as I once was but neither are the majority of people who have reached their mid-life strife. I am not as capable of remembering things like I used to but am not in total memory loss, so I feel safe and secure in that at least I have things to be thankful for. It's a shame really, when I see so many going through what I am and I have no way to convince them that it is okay to just exist alone and get to know themselves. I want to be with someone and have finally accepted that I may never be.
So, when you lay your head down on your pillow or wherever tonight, think to yourself on what you have. Think about what your strengths are and find and surmise what you can do to make those factors of yourself a market you can achieve. Like your fathers and mothers before you have said, don't buy the first horse you ride and don't buy the first gallon of milk on the shelf. It may be bad or the wrong one, expired. Just keep walking until you can find what you need to ride and keep drinking water until the milk is fresh and just eat toast with tea until you can find the meat in your life. No one can make you happy but you and you have to be happy by and with yourself before you can be able to advertise your availability to another. How you perceive yourself affects how you market yourself! Believe in your product and keep improving on its design and it won't fail. For now, I am just believing in "mobe" and her sweet, dark, silly, sexy, intelligent, articulate, ample, curvaceously endowed, red-headed self. I suggest you do the same!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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