Self Control Issues

losing it is so easy once you get the hang of it. When I was much younger I was so self controlled. I kept everything bottled up tight like a powder keg. Well into my twenties it was like this. I was the peace keeper and the piece giver. No one ever had too much of a spat with me unless it was jealous ignorance. I was content but not happy in this state and it was a matter of time before my first blow-up.

By the time I was four I had amassed so much disdain that it would be impossible to write it all down. I was second in a world of two and a world that soon would bring forth two more. I was an accident and had a respect and abject dislike for most other creatures having been savagely attacked by a St. Bernard and a Siamese cat all within the same short period of time. I didn't hate four-legged creatures and cannot say for certain that I would be different towards them had the damage not been done. I loved insects back then. For a girl that is quite unusual but I was no ordinary child let alone female. I will admit here that I wasn't the kindest soul to our six plus-legged creatures and found it quite amusing to trap them, burn them, kill them and yes, even eat them. It was more of a "sampling" then eating per se, but it did indeed disgust both my parents to no end, who were the ones stuck with the odd task of removing the crunchy carcasses of huge quarter-sized June-bugs out of my mouth while the legs were still twitching. I giggle every time my mother or father or some other family member would bring it to light for the pure pleasure of "disturbing" and embarrassing me. Little did they know my farce of an upset look was for their egos and not my "disillusioned" hurt one.

All of this came to pass and I still kept my cool. Pushed around by one person after another and it wouldn't be until my child's father that I finally had enough. The Kimberly everyone could count on and get to do things for them was no more.They couldn't push her around or talk smack and she was back to who she was intended to be. I needed to learn temperance and become forged with my self in ways people cannot fathom and my journey brought me to here, today. Now I know how to defend, attack, wait and plan. I am whole and yet, still, there are times I find it difficult to reel one side in over another when they need to just let it go and see where the devil runs as much greater a draw. I love blowing up. I love ripping shit up and feeling my teeth sink into it. I love the feel a torn nail has when you used your fingertips for purposes of exacting revenge. Ballistic is not the worst I can do. Unfortunately, there has been some regret for the things that were accomplished too easily and not by me. I feel for them in their time of need even if it is at my own hand. I didn't want to become a monster and I didn't want to be a sheep. I still am trying to find that happy medium and confess to not reaching that Shang Ri La yet. They saw me as I am now, a monster. They threw stones at the sinner long before she sinned. They turned their backs on their own family and led her to the gates of the community and shorn her clothes and hair and put her out to pasture. And now the prodigal daemon has returned home. To a village in fear and judgment.

I like that I have become what I was supposed to be all along and that I fight with half my strength and still several times more than they. I like that it unsettles their minds just as mine was unsettled a long time ago. I like I have a place to belong now if even I am the first to arrive. I know there are others on their way. I like the smell of a person shitting themselves when my voice booms its disdain for the ignorant lot that is there to call. I like the taste of a fight well won and the joy it brings to my little one's eyes and the pride we have for what made us so. I will not excuse myself or introduce myself and wish none harm lest ye harm me and mine. Be wary, there are many "mines" to be.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.