At an End

each day becomes increasingly hard as a relationship comes to a close. Neither person wants to be the bad guy and we all start assessing our feelings to see if we are the caliber of "asshole" we know and are sure the other will paint us to have been.

To those of us on the outside looking in at the train wrecks that were our friends and family, it is hard. To them it is devastating and it brings them to the crossroads. They have to decide what was their fault, no easy feat, and decide what wasn't. They have to make a conscious effort to grow towards the future and a more perfect example of themselves or to sit and throw a tantrum befitting a child and refuse the light and food and water and expect all other's to provide for their nurturing and nourishment. Unfortunately for some, we find these people and cannot recognize them from the regular blokes and lasses. Hell, for the most part we all look the same and all look like adults but you would be surprised how many of us aren't emotionally. In order to survive the pitfalls of a failing relationship you have to go through all the same stages of grieving as you would with the death of a loved one. Too many people, when they're happy, poke fun at those that are suffering who state that they "feel like they are dying," but fail to see the similar dynamic that is going on-until it is their turn and they wail and lament their own losses. The grieving process involves all facets.

I don't believe it is over, I don't want it to end, I am pissed that it got here, I won't find another, I'm done with this shit, I don't know what I'm gonna do now, I'm lost, I hurt, what did I do wrong? why?...it's all there. We try to fight our way back in and even stalk the other a little(normally)to check and see if they are happy without us, then eventually, fade and forget to give a shit. We really want them happy but that angry part...that's where it is at for most. Some people jump into the self-loathing and make vows to change and better themselves that hold no merit past a New Year's decree. And then the some that linger all too long in the hatred and angry phase who just cannot believe it happened to them. They get stuck. And then they go on to another in this phase and make that one suffer for what failed in their eyes with the last one. They become clingy and controlling and aloof to their damage and everything is always someone else's fault and never their own. They don't own shit and because of it they never fix any of their own shit. They become poisoned and spread their toxin to another and cause such a domino effect that it compounds over and over and before you know it, the whole town is a mess and it all started with one little disappointment. I have been here and through every phase of grief. I already have grieved my own death and have become at peace with it and even a little callous to others grief because of it.

A very dear friend, sister, of mine has come to the bottom of a deep pit of despair. She sees the darkness that lies ahead and has that feeling of hopelessness that she will never see the light again. She sees the relationship she's in is flawed and is tanking and she cannot do a thing to save it because what is broke is the partner. She sees her flaws too, with a little help from her friends and family and is in a healthy but very painful, very real place most of don't want to be. These are her words and I have been hard pressed to find better ones myself...

CAN YOU FEEL MY SORROW?
CAN YOU FEEL MY PAIN?
CAN YOU FEEL MY HEART BREAK?
THE TEARS DOWN MY CHEEKS AGAIN?
CAN YOU FEEL ME FALL APART WHILE WALKING THROUGH MY BRAIN?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'M THE ONE TO BLAME.
I TAKE IT ALL ON ME.I HAD HOPE AND FAITH THAT WE WERE MEANT TO BE.
I'M SORRY FOR THE PAIN IVE CAUSED~THIS~I WANT YOU TO KNOW.
I THINK ITS BEST TO WALK AWAY AND SIMPLY LET YOU GO.
I'M NOT YOUR DREAM GIRL AND NEVER WAS.
I JUST CANT MAKE YOU SEE.
YOU ARE IN MY HEART AND SOUL.
AND I LOVED YOU "FAITHFULLY.

YOU WERE MY EVERYTHING....JULIE S.

...he may not even see this. He may not even care. She knows this and it is no less hard in the know of such things. She's a good gal with a good head on her shoulders who has made her own mistakes but found one of those "lost children" that resemble adults and let them become too much a part of her life. She knows she isn't perfect and loves who she was and is lost in who she is now because she let him change her into something she's not...and left her an unhappy mess for us to nurture(happily). I hope someday this child finds himself and figures out he isn't a god or perfect. When we embrace our imperfections it makes us wise and empathetic and capable of a healthy social circle. He just isn't there yet and now, it is up to him, alone. It was his problem to start with and it will always be until he alone fixes it. I did it. Julie's working on hers and so are most of you. She owes him nothing and I feel at least he owes her an apology(maybe even us too for his treatment and judgment of her)but definitely her. In good hands of those who truly love her it will finally be the bottom and a long climb up. Better the glance up than the scary look down as you're plummeting at a hundred miles an hour. She just got to the bottom and hasn't set foot down yet-too scared. I am trying to help her so she can get her feet again and begin to "look up" to where she is heading now. She is strong enough. I know this, we all do and we all refuse to let her do it alone. Why? Because we DO love her and are her community, her family, her friends and her partners in life.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.