I am a nightsider. I have always been a nightsider and long before my diagnosis knew I had to live by weak lamplight and share in the glory of the night life. No amount of sunshine or warmth will ever calm a heart meant to be cold and dark. I embrace this. For one thing, I am not broke and am perfect by design, just not for the sunny fishbowl of humanity. I am content with this fact and get so steamed and angry because most everyone feels I should think, feel, eat, sleep and fuck exactly as they do! I even posed a question to the dismay of the psychiatrist tin the facility as well as others in the past: "Do you expect the fishes of the seas and waters to suddenly walk out onto dry land and become air breathers and dance and sing for you and your personal entertainment?"...to which of course they disregard and refuse to answer knowing full well what my intent in asking was. They think I am being silly. Mobe is silly but truthful and pissed off. And how silly is it to treat everyone exactly the same regardless of their individuality? We aren't the same and though the "inmates" offenses were similar (self harm), our reasonings and why's were very, very different.
So I am belligerant, proudly, and I am even caustic in my effortless manner to ward off unwanted attention especially from strangers. Seemingly, it is hard for them to conceptualize a person who is justifiably unhappy and has found their own niche, accepting and even embracing it for what it is. At least I am consistent in my behavior and thinking towards all humans. And, I hold no disdain for my child or my companions of the four-legged variety.
If a duck wants to wade in water per his natural instinct and you move him far away from pond or creek, he will eventually gravitate and/or adapt to whatever water source he can find even if he has to teach himself to turn on an outside tap to your house. He may even fill a rain gutter with leaves to make a sort of bird pond in the open pipe, but he will adapt. All creatures and living things adapt. Adapt or die. Plants will grow towards the slightest of light sources when one is not in the immediate vicinity because they need it and that is how they adapt. As much as I appear human I am a night creature and all the learned idiots in this world will never make me anything but. They can force me to live by their days' standards but in the end will find a perished soul, just as if they tried to make a parrot breathe underwater indefinitely. They need to quit fixing things that just ain't broke!
A Fleeting Life
a fleeting life is the one I live, like shards of light through a baker's sieve
a plucked flower that will thrive for awhile, dark night blooming jasmine along the patio tile
no matter how hard and troubled you find, that my short "sentence" causes no rift of mind
it is the essence and beauty that forever stays there, when the last petals are gone into nothingness air
not a bird or a fish or a beast or tree, you can't change or mould or transmogrify me
for there's no true sadness or misery in knowing one's course, and holding fast to it tightly through it
when threatened by force
when the last bud has bloomed and spent what it renders, giving all that it had contained to the onlooking senders
then the life by daybreak shall be snuffed and put out, a fleeting life of solace, quiet without grief or shout.
I miss my kid. There has always been room in my daily thoughts for her even when I am ill of mind. When I spoke to her she was all motherly and hoping I will come home, but not without me cooperating with everyone here so as to get better. I just wasn't put here to give a damn about everyone else's problems and have been told many times in the past that I care too much about others and need to start putting my own needs first for a change. Trying isn't enough and explanations never satisfy anyone. No one understands my limitations and most all of them are in some state of shock, awe or disbelief. I must admit, it is a hard pill to swallow when first heard that the things you read about that go bump in the night do exist and that most of what you read was ignorant misinterpretation and it leads people to believe the untruths more because they have heard them for far longer and they are now imprinted on the minds and subconsciousnesses of everyone. So, even if I tell these people right now that I want to go home, I will still have a twenty-four hour wait to which I opted for-I'm gonna take my chances despite the disencouragement and brutal fear they tried to strike in me by telling me they still can hold me against my will. I signed a release for myself and have to wait the time frame for the doctor to okay it, and if she chooses not to, SHE can Baker Act me against my will. My kid needs me and being away from her is killing me, and the therapist who is supposed to help me, by calling the child protective services on something innocuous that I told them under confidentiality that wasn't anywhere near as damaging as the lies she told the CPS investigator, is killing me too and has caused problems back at home for my brother that I feel I need to fix. I never intended for that to happen and now am so confused how all of this has gotten out of hand.
To make matters worse on my second night in mental prison hell, the air conditioning went kaput at the hospital for our wing and the birthing floors and OB/GYN wards beneath us. It went out after lunch today and has slowly been getting hotter and hotter and now twelve hours later the heat is getting the natives restless. We have had two outbursts and "conflicts" from senior citizen women unbecoming to their nature even for the mentally ill. I am in the "older person" part of the BHU ward because of my poor health, weight and disease. It never fails and I have grown accustomed to being constantly around the dead or the nearly dead anyways. Right now, at this very moment, a man just had a seizure from heat stroke and instead of transporting these elderly patients to a different location to keep them safe they are mocking and discussing in the hall how funny it was because he came to having delusions. This guy almost died as they couldn't find his vitals and he kept slipping in and out of consciousness and then the alarms went off. This heat is getting to us all and making us agitated and I myself do not bear well in extreme heat because I feel thermal-nuclear all the time anyway.
From noon yesterday until five this morning we had no cool air and I was thrashing most of the night as my legs did not want to settle down and allow me sleep. Finally getting rest after complete and total exhaustion around six, I was woken up abruptly by an argument between my older roommate and her psyche doctor promptly at seven thirty. It seems she has a prescription for pain medication, a level one narcotic but legal for her, because of compound multiple fractures she has suffered to one foot and is in a boot. But she's been here longer than my now three days and they continually have refused her her medication despite her own doctor faxing in the consent and a copy of her current prescription on file. The psyche doctor had lost his license to administer level one narcotics and so was afraid to let her have them on his say so. So to hell with the patient. He did try to get pain management to sign off on it but they refused to do so deferring to him as her treating doctor "in house"...nice right? So here sits someone's mother, grandmother, kid, wife, neighbor in agony and trying to get herself better and they seem to be making her life more miserable and wanting to off herself. Then I heard the doctor tell her...wait for it...wait for it....he will SIGN HER OUT SO SHE CAN GO HOME AND MEDICATE HERSELF! The woman was in there voluntarily and really felt vulnerable and was at least going to group, which I was not, trying to get help and eating in general population, which I was not, and here I am listening to this whole ordeal and hearing this woman cry and trying to go to sleep! (and you all know I can't NOT hear it or care even if I want to because mobe don't operate that way despite her desire to do so) Then some few minutes later in walks this glorious creature of god about the age of me own mum and she is the "last resort" they have to offer to send in to try to coerce me to eat. Maybe they are worried if I don't at least eat one meal before being discharged they will be frowned upon. Her method, kindness where no one else had shown any. She proceeded to make a "deal" with me considering they had finally looked my disease up and told me how much she adored fat people and if I wasn't discouraged by fear of rejection about my weight and made the effort, she would make sure the lights are off so I can go eat with the rest of the pack. Much to her dismay I told her I don't care how many fat people she loves and I told her I don't like people at all and never have. That sent her "majesty the plum fairy" reeling and then I squinted and asked her who in the hell told her I ate when I hadn't eaten the whole time there thus far nor have eaten since Monday. She was abashed at my forwardness and cruelty in no sparing of her kindness and quickly decided it was a good day to leave the patient in 9B alone! FINALLY, someone who gets it!!!...tbc.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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