A Birthday Wish

this day some almost three and a half decades ago my mother and father decided to have another daughter and son. I love them both equally for different reasons and though they be twins, they hold too much disdain for one another and it's a shame that my family dynamics led them to this irrational behavior towards one another.

My parents had a way of making their children enemies of their kin and even enemies of themselves. We had no direction and not one good example of an adult who was peaceful or happy or content with their life and choices. No one "owned" it, so to speak. I hated myself for a very long time believing all the hatred and poison they filled me with. It perversed everything I did and polluted my soul to the point I would try and try again to give them their wish. The taking of my life. My only satisfaction was in the fact they created me so well in their footsteps that I would deny them even that out of my mirth for their actions! I would live long enough to make them the miserable donkeys they made me. Only now I don't feel so much as all that. I don't feel like it is even worth the effort and hope that someday my brother and his sister can see past the poison that pollutes them too and rekindle their bond. They are more alike than they know and both so damn proud that it makes me furious when I hear all the jabs coming from each end. Everything is an infraction and every sigh or breathe is full of acid and foul intent. Quick to judge others and so slack when cleaning up their own messes. I still play mediator and mom to them as I always have...and I still love them.

I know they fantasize about a perfect world. Each suffers similar obsessive compulsive disorders all too familiar to me and anyone else who grew up in an abusive home. I count and organize and horde. My brother is a clean freak and controlling and worries about things not his to worry about. His twin is a sorter and counter and neat-nik too. Between us three we have accumulated just about every OCD vice known to mankind. I know neither will read this having no use for literature or the arts. I write this as a wishlist and epitaph on their behalf and with all the love of a surrogate mother, sister and friend. I love you guys so much and hope this new year for you will make you wiser and softer and loving to your mates, children and each other. Blessing to you from your "big" sis.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.