Individuals: Part 16

pain is so crippling even when you don't cry. It can strip away your dignity and even give you pause for morality when all you want to do is to shake and break every little thing within your clutches. It is the great egalitarian and social unifier. It makes paupers of kings and queens of bag ladies. It spares no child or man and has no mirth for one living thing over another. Very few are gifted enough to be left out of the "party" and my kind are amongst those few, however, we do succumb to it in time as the tolerance only goes so far.

This is where I be today, and yesterday for that matter. I hurt. But the problem is that when I hurt it is usually too damn late and too damn severe to do anything about it because it takes so much more to evoke those words from me than a grown man of substantial strength and tolerance. I couldn't sleep and my legs kept taunting me telling me of my fate like two fat sisterly witches, one significantly smaller than the other over time, who know far ahead what lies down the roads of the future. They even go so far as to assure me of their treason and have shown me they will refuse support should I muster what little strength I have left to get up and fight back. I watched them swell again a few days ago and couldn't help but feel a little apprehensive knowing what was to come. It is a cycle I have gotten used to unfortunately. Only I see more and more days creep up where the pain faeries have stepped things up a notch to really bring on the water works and see if there's a heart inside this aging broad. Now my little fae friends have decided theie mode of attack is going to be the control tower. My head feels like it is going to explode and burst puss and hate and blood and disdain all over the place. Part physical discomfort and part mental frustration, I fear the worse is yet to come. No good can come from this and I wonder if there isn't some little blue pill that "Alice" could swallow to make her head smaller while a glass of wine could make my strength tall. Have you ever just wanted to hurt something so bad that you clench your teeth to the point of shattering them while daydreaming of the pounding and the slushy mess as your fist sinks into the flesh of your opponent and crumbles bone like yours is crumbling and rips tissue like the fissures ripping in your mind? I am not deliberately trying to scare anyone here, not that that matters anymore to me than it would to a piranha. I am just trying to describe the feelings and sensations that have been overwhelming me for the time being. I am feral when I hurt because I know that it took great effort on the parts of those responsible whether imagined (the gods and fates that govern us) or in actuality, persons or biological things that have over-ruled my will power.

The feeling of weak constantly nags me and throughout my life I have found all my fears are wrong in that taunting. I am not weak and have found I measure up quite extraordinarily to what other's would consider suitable tolerances albeit against my own will. The problem is perception and not just their's but mine as well. I have had it put in my head for so long that I am a hypochondriac and a whiner and complainer hell bent on causing trouble for them. The them being medical professionals and community to include my family and most friends. Only when it came to show I was right did they take note of the amassing discomfort and begin to fathom that they may have been wrong, only no one dares admit that fault. So it behooves me to feel inadequate or less than I should because I ail. That is the most human facet of me but humans alone do not share in that entirely to themselves. Critters of all family and genus have feelings of inadequacy based upon the will to tolerate that which is most discomforting. I am a freak of society, without the notoriety or fifteen minutes of fame. I wouldn't have it any other way and have come to be comfortable with that label above all others. As far as the pain goes, I will find a way to push it deeper and deeper into the recesses of my psyche and my thresholds or it will be the undoing of me. I can't swear I won't hurt a bug or two or throw a vase or two or daydream about shoving my car up some person's tail end for some fractionally smaller offense. I only hope that if I do do something to be regretted it would be that I didn't get all who would have been a target!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.