this is more of an update than a posting tonight. I took that first huge step and went with anticipation to see my father. I wasted so much time these last twenty years, on and off, and was scared and worried and even excited because the epiphany and wonderment of the burst of knowing was just so great for me. My father was so kind and sweet when I called and asked to come over. It was as if to him I had never stopped talking to him for the years that have gone by. When I told him why I was there he was a little taken aback but felt the need to tell me I owed him nothing and no explanation because as far as he was concerned there wasn't a problem. He wasn't telling me he didn't get my issues or that he didn't care, he was telling me he did care but held no contempt for my actions and my choices as a result of my feelings. Dad was god-like once again! I haven't loved him more since I was a kid and used to do things with him and think he was a hero or god because MY dad could do EVERYTHING. He taught me to fish and hunt and camp and fix cars and how to provide for my family and even cook. He taught me how to do simple home repair and gave me his confidence and perseverance every time he cursed when he did something and it didn't turn out as he wanted, because he didn't give up and kept trying. And then he almost always succeeded, except in relationships. I am his daughter and he and I are more alike than I ever thought possible and I am proud of that fact. We both swam through shit and ate shit and been shoved in the shit of life and we both never gave up. My kid adores me and worships me as I have my father for so many years. Even if subconsciously when I was too stubborn to admit it, because I lost my faith in him as a man when he couldn't meet the too high standards I set for him. He is a man and one of the best I know and I am so filled with joy knowing he is still on my side.
Now he is older. I am older. Laurel is older and she missed him so much and didn't want to discredit her momma by saying so, and kept quiet all these years and always siding with my warped ways of thinking to remain the ever loyal daughter she is. She is better than I on that. She is a better daughter and far smarter than I could ever be, and the sigh of relief in her when she got home today and I told her where we were going and what we were doing was worth more to me than all the money in Ft. Knox! I could never be more proud, I think. And her grandpa was so happy to see her and remarked about seeing us in passing every now and then and how much she's grown. He understands enough of her needs with our "disease" and is concerned they may not have an enjoyable way to get to know one another with her confined to a darkness as I am and he lives by day like most of you. I see that he is getting wan and won't be any long for this world than I and cried when Lobo offered to take him fishing. She has heard so many stories about how he taught me and such and how it was so important for me to be a good "fisherwoman" in his eyes and even have the same bright shiny tackle my father had. He teared up and said he didn't have his equipment anymore and was worried about her in the sun and I told him she and I go in the early sunset and pull an all-nighter until the sun came up and we scurry home before it crests the trees and buildings. I have enough poles, tackle and such for the three of us! I look forward to sitting out on a pier again and watching him cast and sleep and cast and smoke and cast and glance at Lobo. He used to do it to me. I look forward to him even yelling like Fred Flintstone, like he always did when I didn't get things right and even relish testing him just to make him yell a little bit so Lobo can see I wasn't lying. (giggles) I am finally almost home now. Only two more demons to put to bed. I don't have the way yet for either but I hope I have the time to figure it out before I don't have any time left.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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