sometimes a tree with a vagina really is a tree with a vagina. Einstein and Freud knew this. But most people don't, and it does become increasingly difficult to distinguish between what is real and tangible and what isn't. Like religion for instance, we cannot see it but it exists and is different for everyone. The most tangible things to one person are the most unbelievable to others.
Unless you are a doctor or scientist, it is highly unlikely that you will ever see the actual bacteria, genes, viruses or amino acid chains that cause diseases like leukemia or erythropoietic protoporphyria. What we cannot see makes it hard to believe and most of my family didn't believe I was sick. Nor did they want to believe that I was sick so long and that they didn't or weren't able to do anything about it, having not known. It was through no fault of their own. It was circumstance that led to the inability to care for me properly. Yes, there were things that could have been done better, but for all the couldas, wouldas and shouldas...there isn't enough time to beat up the past when you need to be getting back on the horse and giving it another "go 'round"...
I have pretty much made peace with almost everyone in my family circle and my life. To those yet to be dealt with, "I spit in your chgenerale directione!!"...just kidding (love Monty Python) My mom is the only one left. I love them all but had accepted that they may not love me, may not be capable of loving me as I needed. With her it is difficult. She is a draining and devastating person who is charismatic and outspoken. In that regard and a few physically aesthetic similarities, we are alike. Outside of it we are very different people. I no longer have a surgency and need to be "liked" by anyone. I have embraced my ugliness and my darker ego and have made a place for the animal within me. I let it out when it needs to feed and roam and then I reign and call it back home to sleep and recuperate from its escapades. I have learned from her mistakes more than others that to not feed the beast is to let the beast win and rule. The truth is no one should rule or be banished from the kingdom of persona. I allow each to sit beside the soul on the same level, my ills and my wills alike, and allow them their floor time. I miss my mother, or rather the mother I would have liked to have had. I know I will need to take this one final step and make peace with her and move forward. I need to do this and then my business is finished this world. I just am not so ready to do this last part yet. Maybe another day.
It is tangible to see pain and feel pain and know someone you love is in pain. Love is actually tangible too. But when it isn't our own we seem to forget how wonderful it was. Like comparing an old married couple who deferentially piss and moan about two star-crossed teens necking on a park bench. They seem to forget the time, a very long time ago, when they made their parents vomit when the police officer brought them home to tell the adults that he found their daughter/son with their knickers down in the back seat of grand-dad's old Packard! Tangibility is there if we stop focusing on the issues too up close to see properly. The big picture needs standing back a little and pausing and placing yourself in that frame. From where I stand, the view isn't pretty, you know this...I am disdainful (giggles). And my mother has a personal shrine of disdainfulness in my heart and I need this pause, I'm still trying to get the big picture. I will someday...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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