Friendship and Losses

when we fight so hard for something and it disappears and fades away we feel a sense of great loss. Not just the loss of energy that it took in the fighting but also a loss of ego, of id. When you lose tangible things it is a matter of grieving and replacing, if at all possible, and then eventually, whether replaced or not, letting go. When you lose people and relationships that feeling is many times worse.

You can never replace a person who is gone permanently from your world. Whether through death or their choice to not continue a relationship, the loss is just too much to handle. You become overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and feelings of self hatred. You wonder what you could have done to drive that person away or what it is they feel you have done to warrant their behavior. It is a sad day when one soon realizes that there just wasn't a damn thing they could do. Some people just leave because they see no purpose in keeping you around, not that you're flawed so much as they feel stagnant. There are others who leave because they feel pressured to by other friends or acquaintances or ultimatums set by their loved ones. I lost a good friend last night. We talked the previous morning and had discussed issues they were having and the last thing said to me was that they loved me. This person was considered a sibling and I know why they did what they did. I just can't help but still evaluate what I could have done to prevent it. I keep coming up with nothing and it only serves to make me more angry because "nothing" seems illogical. I sent them a message explaining to them I understand and that I still consider them a friend and family member and will respect their wish. I offered my hand for help if ever they should need it, and my mind for the most part was eased knowing I am still capable of loving the ones who feel they wish no longer to be loved. Their answer was to remove me entirely from their contacts by blocking me online and by refusing my calls and acting like I don't exist.

I am still not angry as they have their own choices to make and only hope this person takes heed my offer of assistance as I know they will need it someday. No questions asked and none given and no discussions about the past or why they broke ties, I will still be there for them. I know the hell that awaits them in the form of the new companion. This person of interest has made it their sole purpose to eradicate every member of this friend's family and friends in order to control and influence them into being what they want them to be. I believe in my friend and know them to be a strong person, but capable of weak moments like these and in their vulnerable state, had become too easy prey for the likes of the new relationship. I miss them. I miss our talks and jokes and our moods and laughs. I have missed that for a while already considering the devastating changes I have witnessed in them due to the new dynamic installed by the poi* (person of interest). Out of respect for their privacy I have not inferred name or gender of any individuals involved so as to keep them responsible for their own actions. They know where I am and how to get a hold of me, and if they can remember, they know I will and still do love them will and aide them and their kin should the need arise. They will always be in our thoughts.

Losses like these occur daily and weekly. I feel like a part of me has died as I am sure a few of you can relate to. My buddy, my pal, my chum, my friend, my "twin," my confident is gone. I will get over the loss and wonder for years or time to come, but I will still have room for them. They need to know this, I hope they do.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.