Making a Change

when you owe a great deal, you spend an eon trying to make things right. Some of you don't have that kind of time and I don't believe I do either. But I try, I always have and will continue to do so in the hopes the fates and gods that govern me will afford me a smile when the days are done.

At some point we will all have to atone for the deeds we did in this lifetime and the next. Every single terse word and every single evil glare will be held on account until justification is there to explain. I don't necessarily believe in the concept of heaven and hell, and despite my partial catholic upbringing, cede to a different viewpoint on religion. I do know the harder you make things the harder they become and there are things that are just way beyond your control. I see this now. I am glad I still have the opportunity to right my wrongs and get things settled before it is too late. I don't know why we are morally driven or why some people just aren't. I only know that I am, and for the longest time believed myself to be right in my convictions, especially when it came to my fears and assumptions of family. It has served me well for the time I have allowed it to come to pass, and only now, I just don't see things as I once did. It isn't that they have changed so much as I have come to a place where I can accept them as they are, even Laurel's dad, and find peace in that knowledge and comfort in having tipped the earth back on its axis, right side up. Doesn't mean I am blind to certain aspects of the past, only that I have accepted them and choose to allow not to let it run my life or dictate whom I speak to or where I go. It doesn't limit me anymore and I am free.

My life never was perfect and still isn't and I have no false sense of "me" enabling any bad decisions by thinking it will be. Nor does it detract from me trying to make it perfect or hope for attaining as close to it as I can get. I have laid to rest some old demons and old bones today and feel so light. I feel a good sense of emptiness and find I have room for more now, again. But I'm not in a hurry and if time should run out on me then it is my own fault and I will just have to get it right quicker next time around. So many things I have to do and fix and one more less is always a good day's work. Sure, I got only one thing accomplished today, but it was one more than I thought I had to do so, in a sense, it's a win. I'll take it and see if I can duplicate these results again, in a little while, with some other unfinished business I have. It is time. Time to look forward and put things down that should have never come up. Time for a change in me and not just everyone else. They have their own journeys and though I may not like many people, we do share that in common. Take the time to figure it out. If your end result isn't the same as mine then you have gained the valuable knowledge that you were right and if it is like mine, you have accomplished what so few have, you have stepped up and said "Hey, I need to fix this" and stuck it out and did the dirty work. Not many can say they did!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.