Out of Sync

why is it that when I really want to stay awake my mind decides it is time for a necessary "shut down" for mechanical and theoretical repairs? I missed an appointment this morning and my blog last night and a phone call from a loved one. I made up my mind to stay awake and wouldn't you know it it would over-ride my decision and make one of its own. I fell asleep.

I used to be able to stay awake for days on end and not with any outside help whatsoever. Now I have to wait two weeks for my appointment again and three days to speak to the loved one and am doing my blog the "morning" after from when it was supposed to be  done instead of packing for the weekend like was planned. I am still tired and m body is not cooperating on any account. I am fed up. I don't like that the rest of the world doesn't acknowledge I cannot live within its parameters or laws. I loathe the fact the others go about their business aloof to what other entities exist and the needs of their existence. The very doctor that treats me for this genetic quality who knows what hell it is for me to venture out in the day doesn't operate during my "normal" business hours. The same goes for employment and government/financial business too. Friends are long asleep and family has long forgotten what my face looks like and today is just another day to remind me of how lonely lonely is and why it isn't pretty being me no matter how slow I age on the outside. It also reminds me of how little time I will have by the aging of the inside to share with some people and to have a somewhat peaceful existence.

I feel for my kid and wonder if her own life will mirror my own and whether or not she will find it less than tasteful to be misjudged in the daylight for her unusual dress or looks. If she will suffer the pain inside and the mental anguish outside for the things she longs for the way I have, it will come as no surprise. Maybe she will persevere and find her own niche where I have failed in my infinite task of trying to assimilate tot he needs of the human folk while maintaining a proud identity and be true to whom I am. It isn't fair and not one soul really gives a damn about fairness except at their own benefit and needs. Her dad was a good example and perfect one for the concept of selfish visualization of fairness. What really is fair anymore? Children die every day who don't ask for the hurt and mothers lament their loss while fathers diddle the personal secretaries and make some poor excuse to come home late but always question when she arrives home five minutes too late from the grocery store with some "important" necessity that they themselves could of gotten off their asses to get! It gets sickening after awhile and today, well just took the cake!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.