A Part of Me

an outstanding view of time and space is needed today. I have lost my funny and my happy so I need to get back to myself.

I know it won't be gone long, as it rarely is, but I feel so disconnected which is funny when you figure in the post from yesterday. I actually like these moments of personal hell that invade the humor and disdain in my life. They anchor me and give me new goals when I have already achieved the ones long past. My misery is just as much a friend as any of you and my little hubby, Iggy, has seen me through some of the worst of it. The poor spouse has witnessed my two bouts of cancer and my hospitalization numerous times in the last seven years. He has seen me cry and seen me laugh and see me in a silent state that lasted for over a month. Imagine Mobe without speaking ever for a whole month! No comments and no answers and no >this<...

I guess the flood of my room affected and carried away more than just things out of my life. I sit and contemplate the significance of things and the needfulness of such and am thankful it wasn't worse and that no on else's shit was damaged. I was the "target" in a manner of speaking and I feel the fates' eyes upon me watching intently to see if I got the message. I did but still am not sure what I did to provoke them...it will come as all answers do and always at the least opportune time. Possessions can be replaced or forgotten and later remembered fondly. Even documents can be found to replace the ones lost. It's just the headache of the whole damn ordeal and I'm just not feeling "it" today knowing the struggle I will have(do have)to fix the wrongs in my life. I wanted the cancer to take me. I wanted the emergency surgery to take me too. I wanted that truck to plow into me rather than avoid me when I stopped my car in the middle of the road. I wanted to not give a shit about anything or anyone and just to fade out. I wanted me to just be a thing and some huge wind to come and blow me away-I still want it, but not as badly. I know this will pass and I truly do not want to worry anyone. I'm just being me, and this is part of the me that gets people as far away as possible whether I intend it to or not~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.