from where I sit I feel time is running out. I feel the pictures moving by too damn fast and I am tired of worrying about what could've been or what I wanted. I only want happiness and enough of the needed things in life and someone to share them with. I don't need marquee lights or a grand finale of sorts. It wouldn't be me, even if it is offered I would be a sheep of a gal and avoid as much as possible. Believe what you want but I have had my chances at the fifteen minutes they keep telling you about and I chose to let it pass...
I mean something to someone. I have to and know I at least I do to my kid. Out there in the great big ocean there is someone who wants me and I don't care what people think. My house can flood a second time and the winds can blow the fucking roof off so long as I am needed and wanted and mean the world to a few. My room is almost back to what it should be and my kid is improving in attitude so things are sorting themselves out. When and if I get better for a bit I want to do some things but they aren't so important that I would pine away for them. I can still have sex and still cook, though it may take me longer and still bust some one's head in if needed. Life is pretty ok even if it isn't all I once was, but we're never all we once were are we? We have evolved and some of us more than others.
When I grow up...I want to be a big girl who can make my own rules and do my own thing and say what I want to say without a care in the world. When I get bigger I want to eat whatever I want and sing when I want and sleep whatever hours I choose and work when I want to and never because I have to. I want to feel no guilt and care about no pain. There will be ample of me and food and drink to suffice for everyone and I will be admired and loved by many and hated by most. I will live for the night and fuck and scream and howl and eat and piss and fight every chance I get. Who else can say they have done everything and are content with whom they are? Have you checked off all on your list? I may want another go around but I made the first few laps in record time and it was good I did too. Because time is what I don't have or need anymore excepting to just be quiet and content with someone I matter a great deal to. There will be no 50th wedding anniversaries for me nor a 70th birthday. But I will have whoever he be and my kid and if I'm blessed grandkids too and... of course-you guys!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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