Help from My Friends

no one is so independent that they should ever refuse the hand that lifts them up. I do often when I know it is gonna lift me up, but be wary of those that would hold you down for sometimes it is hard to tell the difference as the lifters have to be tough and strong and determined and the holders come off as being sweet and special and looking out for your interests.

With a little help from a friend you can walk through life with a keen sense of heads up to tell the difference. I won't go so far as to say the holders are all evil on purpose but some are. Some just can't see the meadows beyond there forests for all the fear and failure they cling to in desperation for the evil they know is better than the one they don't, or so they suppose. I can spot the malicious fucks a mile away now, but it wasn't always so for me. In my world it is the non-evil hearted holding helpers that break me into a thousand pieces. Today one will see this, or maybe more than one and think I don't love them. Unfortunately, they don't know me very well if that is the conclusion they come to. I love them all and have just come to realize I cannot live within the parameters of their fears, especially when I don't know the rules to begin with. It's like playing paintball with your best bud you know so well only once you get out there he turns into the grocery store clerk and becomes very unpredictable as you know nothing at all about whether this idiot has got your back or not! I have learned through the scrapes and bumps of life how to spot one of them. As much as I want to help them, I run as fast as can when I see the building fall. I have been caught on the bottom of the rock pile trying to help them more than the help I needed to begin with and have suffered at the "sucking the life out of" what respect and feelings and energy existed between us.

I know they can do better and be better and even pull themselves up using the strong forearms I offered. But I was the one who needed help and I got a bum rap of and a sentence of servitude to their issues for my show of weakness and neediness. I am too good. I know this and before you laugh I have papers, reams of them from medical professionals who know me in and out who think I give too much and don't make a strong enough stand or yell loud enough when I am in need and am quick to switch into the helping role because of my exceptional problem solving skills. And they're right-I AM good and have all those skills and more, but I feel cheated. Now I am in a time of need with finances and my daughter and my brother is helping me. I am grateful for that and worried it may not work out but never worried enough as I love my brother, and even if it doesn't work out, completely I know he tried. But it is the romantic things in my life that trouble me. I can't marry Jason, though he and I kid that it was cruel and unusual punishment for us to be bore unto the same parents as we know we are ideally suited. We have even teased his partners and mine to that fact which has evoked some dark secrets in some of them about their feelings towards incest, but I assure you I have never and would never as he and I are siblings and full sibs at that. I am thankfully getting by with a little help, or a lot, from him and his family, with the next few months or years with Lobo as she has had no strong male role model in her life. Now I would like a little help with finding a partner. Someone who isn't in a hole bigger or deeper or darker than mine and who isn't wrapped up in fixing me as I am doing an excellent job of doing that part alone, and if I got into trouble am at least intelligent enough to admit it and ask for help when I need it. I want them to be there for that and help, but only what I need and ask for not the meddlesome help of trying to change me completely. I need a rock with strong arms and back and endurance to match my own. I'm not asking much as my endurance has waned some in my years so it isn't as difficult to find someone to equal up as it once had been. I need comfort and love and sex, yes lots of sex, and someone to walk on the beach at night with until my "jail time" in this state is done. I want a mate who can drive and likes to as much as I do because I don't want to be the one driving all the time because I don't trust them. I want a person who will know when to back off and know when it is ok to approach and be able to be alone at times when I need space without completely disappearing out of the home. I want to be safe and loved, and I know he or she is out there...and that I will find them...with a little help from my friends!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves