wisdom is neither had nor given or gained... it comes to us in many forms and passes us over when we are too ignorant to yield to its solutions. Wisdom is the eye opener that someone isn't right of mind or flesh and has learned a lesson to which all should be privy but few are. My wisdom has been with me for centuries and my differences even longer...
As a horse of another color I am wise, not from my learned experiences but in spite of them. It would be unfair for me to assume that all my kind are as wise as I or that none of us are ignorant. Pain binds the mind in a fashion to which allows me to be capable of the nuances in life that others take for granted. Most all of my species have this pain associated wisdom that is rare in humans but quite common amongst the lesser creatures. Yes when we burn we know enough to not touch the fire but we don't need to burn to understand that. We can separate that to which harms our body from that to which harms the mind and more often wamphyri suffer the madness of isolation more that the cut of the blade. We suffer being misunderstood for the thousands of years and I am doing my part to ensure Lobo won't be and others like her and myself.
I learn from and gain from others' misery and mistakes quite easily and have reached a point to which I can assert an end result and accept the actions quite fastidiously before I make a leap. A friend of mine tells me I am always in denial for my lack of a guilty conscience and they are wrong. I am not mad at the assumption and haven't articulated well to them why, so I will make an attempt to here. It takes me less than a millisecond to see all possible avenues of destruction and succession before I make a decision that will affect me and mine. Out of this I act, and never without the forethought of what could be the end result, and there have been fewer times in my life than fingers on my hands where the outcome was none of the options to which I had purposed there to have been. I spent the last few days shopping and suffering in the sun and lack of sleep and knew I was to pay the piper in the end but accepted that and even "padded" my pain time to allow more healing than necessary. I covered my ass, so to speak, in my deadline of acceptability. I knew I would swell up and be on fire and ache and break parts I need later but I also knew the risk was worth the venture so when I let others know, I am accused of being negative and whiny. I don't "whine" rather I am proud of the scars and the lengths to which I go for the ones I love and am more of a realistic braggart than a whiny jerkoff. I wear my pains and scars proudly and love to point them out and yes, even show up others' lack of endurance and tolerability to such disastrous outcome. I love the fight and the honor in it. I love the pain I get and the successes I have achieved however small and large. My kid does too and it teaches her to tough it out and to tolerate far more than her peers ever will.
I don't know if this is a species related issue as I write what is relevant to me and my kind as a first. I am the first in our history to make it this far and am merely pointing out the dissimilarities in humans and I, and maybe I'm just a weird duck altogether, or maybe I am merely a good representation of the "old world" wamphyri and how they endured the ridicule and pain and adapted well to what life has dealt them in the cards. We cope well. Pain makes us drink, indigestion makes us come to accept starvation and appreciate food(s) better than most, sensitive senses allow us to appreciate the silence from the damage we incur from too much noise, and darkness yields a fondness for the black and white purist views that we see as our world. A blind man has to live without sight and a nightsider has to live without light and the deaf without sound and the pain ridden without peace. Strength is never gained without strife and me and my people have had our fair share. My concern now is if this pain I have and love made me the fantastic person I know myself to be, will it be a crippling factor to Lobo as she will be spared the life lessons as she won't suffer to the amounts I have? I am not ill for wanting her to suffer...not such, for the end result will give her focus and bring her to a place of higher learning and connectivity with the world around her...but as part human and all mother I want no pain in her future and hope she has plenty to appreciate by being spared and makes the most of what she didn't get, not just what she did.
I am not angry I was raped, beat, neglected, tortured, misunderstood, feared, loathed, targeted or hunted. I am pleased as it made me a fierce warrior and fighter just as my ancestors were. It made me strong of heart and of mind and of body. No one can compete so I am free of expecting that they should. No man can walk where I have been without my blood and scars and turmoil just as I am sure there are others who have suffered far more immensely than I, however many or few. It is what's wrong with today. Our children grow up entitled and think blindly and ignorantly that the world is really their oyster and theirs alone and that they do no wrong. Our children suffer little...but this past Friday she suffered fear and pain and misunderstanding and neglect and loathing right alongside her mum and held up well to my pride and surprise. Lobo will find her own pain to harden her steely nerve and make her stronger and will be a fine woman who no man will be worthy of and for that I am glad...she will get to choose her own mistakes and not accept what is just dropped upon her and she will be strong enough to say "No mas"(Spanish for "no more!")and change her course and future to what better suits her....
Appreciate the troubles you have and the pain you gain for no ship sailed ever only calm seas and if there never was a pain to be had we never would know the difference and life would be a lot less sweet...When I am pleased it is good and just, and when I hurt it is good and just, and I am good and just...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves
No comments:
Post a Comment