Not at My Best

there are issues enough to dwell on for a thousand lifetimes. I know and I have been trying to eat my way through quite a few of them this go around but it seems it is a futile cause on my part, though I feel it is justified. I love life and the object of affection, my daughter, and watching her life. But I embrace loving the downfall and pitfall of human instinct and seeing all the data as it unfolds into the macabre scenes of everyday existence.

I want to and therefore cannot, when I don't want to I usually can. It's not a fair trade and it is frustrating. I don't think I am alone on this and you are all free to comment if you like or disagree. It would be nice to have a full night's (day's in my case) rest without noise, heat, light, rude people, etc. interfering with my slumber. I want my room cold, icy, dark and a little rain falling outside or snow wouldn't be a bad idea. I use white noise to try and drown out the life happening all around me but it is little comfort to a woman who used to sleep soundly a full six or seven hours without getting up once and without the television on or the radio or a light. Nightmares plague the once fearless broad and daylight curses bring on demons and old hates and haunts. I get so drained and out and tired but I never get to re-energize enough to be at my full potential and people wonder why the dear mobester has gone cuckoo and loony. Wishes are great if they're fulfilled and my greatest wish is not beauty or money or even time, it is to be refreshed and anew each afternoon when I wake so I can have a clear head and limber self to accomplish what the wishes won't bring. Social graces be damned and such but I do cling to some and I don't like being compelled by an unseen force to act a certain way when others fail to do so.

If I came to your house in the middle of your sleep or rang your phone when you are in bed and such I would be hauled away by the police for some form of disorderly conduct. But the world is not made for mobe or Lobo or any other Wamphyrii for that matter and we live by everyone else's rules. It's a pity really, when we are so much more capable of things most cannot even imagine in strength, tolerance, acuity and collective thought. I am a nightstalker, nightsider I prefer, and today I am injured and hurting and miserable but the ones who love/live within my home know very little of what ails me. My body is tormented and has been for the last three days and it is not going to give up for another and tomorrow will be an equal hell. I will be calm and quiet and love my daughter just the same and walk with both feet and smile and show grace under pressure when my insides are twisted and torn and my body is craving things I cannot afford at the moment. I will deny my need and continue at a percentage of what I am until I achieve and persevere or die by the wayside. With the way I am feeling any change, whether good or bad, will be a blessing, so nothing is turned away as a change. When you lay your head to sleep tonight next to the one you love know there is a wild animal, a beast that lies alone at sunrise in her small cold prison whimpering in her sleep where even the hurt dares not argue and tossing and turning into the gales of her damaged mind all the while hoping the ripping of her flesh from her bones brings a finality that causes a great sleep so she can become anew. She is feral right now and dangerous and wants no company in her pain unless it is kin and called upon to distract her from her plight. I bid you all a sweet sleep and comfort and hope to join you again in that privilege.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.