Quietly Blowing Apart

again the mighty mobe is upon her stump of opportunity contemplating the world's most spectacular reasons to blow up. I am a miserable wretch today. There's not any particular reason, or at least not just one. I woke up sick and over-heated to a sweaty and sore body full of aches and disdain.

I wanted to keep up on this but had computer issues for a day or so, and then, last night, spent it in the company of my child and a bunch of movies. It was fun and peaceful and makes me wonder if it was all too peaceful in that I am now a skeptic to reason. No one ..not even this one, likes to be put out or made uncomfortable. It is what it is and I feel so uncomfortable today though it, being the shitty day here that it is, should render me cheery in my ill will. But here I sit sweltering and worrisome and wanting a little bit of "tlc" and not receiving so much as a hello or good morning. Alone is just that, it's alone. No one is around to talk to you or comfort you or give a shit about whether you are happy or not. I feel alone today, alone and miserable and hot. Very hot. You can fry an egg on my nose hot.

Relationships suck. I know this because I have had plenty of short ones and long ones and somewhat fairly normal ones and really, really crazy ones. I am at a pivotal moment in my life where I don't want to wake up next to "strange" anymore. I don't want to be defined as being "one" anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore. Trying to balance a relationship and make sure it is everything you want is difficult. I miss you and you miss me and I want you and you want me are not good enough reasons to stay together anymore. There has to be mutual respect for each other. There has to be conversation and not just about the bashing of the past mistakes you make. There has to be an attraction whether physical, audible, olfactory, or mental, but there definitely has to be one. I have had all sorts of these and rarely found someone with almost all of them. Being a sighted individual means I am not just choosing based upon what I hear and smell and touch but also on what I can see. And from where I am sitting now I see all sorts of issues. In order to be a girlfriend or boyfriend you need to be present. And now I am stuck with the busiest man on the face of the planet and can't help but wonder why I keep attracting people who are disinterested in me or find everything else that much more amusing to them. I could spend a lifetime defining what I want and how I want it, but it would only be my voice expressing out-loud to the fates what they already know and giving them that extra edge over me to mess with my day.

To admit one's faults one must admit they are mortal. I am flawed. I have no design on altering them at this time and I am currently working on the one's I felt I needed to as we speak, those I feel most necessary to change. I am not as flawed as I have been in the past but I'm not as beautiful either. People need to not be so busy that they cannot appreciate what is right in front of their faces. For that matter, they need to stop using "busy" as an excuse to avoid confrontation. It is the new-found version of sticking one's head in the sand. It hurts that I am the last thing on a person's "to do" list or the least likely to be paid attention to. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life but if that is the only option I have, I am prepared to entertain myself if I have to.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.