Sometimes a Demon is Just a Demon

there isn't any harm in being what you were designed to be any more than there is harm in a bird soaring or a bear hibernating. I have worked my ass off to be true to myself and it would seem that not many people like what truths there are in this world. I don't fit in their box. I'm not even a square peg in a round hole really, nor am I a fish in their pond. There are so many labels that would apply to me and I am sick of all of them. I am fat and crazy and sexy and horny and intelligent and artistic and trivial and motherly and most everything else you can think of to throw my way. I am unique just as you and every one else is. I am broken and made to aimlessly search for that which makes me whole. So, I am here banging away and all the wonderful people in my life are worried sick as to what I am up to and why I would, in a quickness, throw all this "fantastic" life away and leave this world and them in it. It isn't that I don't love them, and I shouldn't have to prove one way or another. Of course they will bargain and say that I must or that it is unfair, but who said life has to be fair? I will miss them and my kid and whatever family she has amassed by then. But then again she will have her own life to lead and make choices in and I would be just a nagging ghost of myself trying to find a way to matter. I am bored in this world and know there is something out there waiting for me and I don't give a damn who thinks I am nuts. I mean really! If i gave a shit as to what people really think would I have twelve different colors of hair and refuse to shave what needn't be taking in the fact that the porn industry likes to tell your sons and daughters it is a necessity to so. For your information I don't shave my legs or underarms either and find it offensive (to me) when someone gives me hell about it. I find it even more offensive when I am expected to follow the flock of sheep to the cliff and take off the wool over my eyes only to blindly jump because I am a lemming after all and that is what they do isn't it? I am an individual and I have never been allowed to be such so one can only deduce that to be free of this shit hole of a place would allow me the freedom to be who I am...or maybe find another universe similar and start my personal war all over again. I even remember a job I had in the past that felt it necessary to send me to a diversity workshop because I refused to allow people I don't even know or give a damn about celebrate my birthday. Hell, my own family doesn't celebrate my birthday and hasn't in over two decades. But I wasn't being tolerant of people's "diversity" and right to my personal information and need to throw me a surprise party at work when my only goal at work is to a job well done and get my ass home to my kid and pets and things. I was there to make the company money and make some for myself, not to have parties and such with people I really didn't like and who made no qualms in letting me know they didn't like me either, and the only reason they threw the damn party was to provide yet another opportunity to make me look like an insensitive fool. I am an insensitive fool and it is what makes me a very good employee because I am not so easily distracted and suffer from OCD making me more effective as I have a need to be orderly and organized. But instead I am pulled away from work and asked to "fall" into total strangers arms to prove I trust them. I asked them why I need to prove it and that I didn't trust them and saw no need in changing what isn't broke. I told them they would get me to fall backwards quicker if it was an empty pool and nothing but concrete to catch me because at least I know what I am to expect! Imagine the looks on their faces. My bosses were there and one other employee who was asked to come voluntarily so as to not make it look like they were singling me out. I, however, was not asked...and note to Kevin Jordan et al: I am NOT that fucking stupid and knew I was singled out! So did the EEOC!

So diversified and made (forced) to be more "tolerant" to the needs of others who will poke themselves in my business, I was thrown out like an old rag and discarded like garbage. Same goes for relationships and family ostracization and even groups and circles to which I migrate from time to time because my views are just that outstanding. I try my damnedest to make friends so my kid will have a social network to fall back on when I am gone, but to no avail. Those that become my friends soon tire of my rants and my unorthodox thoughts on humanity and civilization, if that is what they call mass consumerism and the raping of our planet time and again. Our leaders are making us junkies to chemicals and sedentary lifestyles while bilking what they can out of our pockets to afford their own expensive tastes. It is a cycle that never ends, and only the wise seem to know what to do to get free. They leave. They go off the grid or go into seclusion or cease to exist altogether. I don't have those options because of my duty to my minor child and when she is grown will be a junkie just like the rest of you. I hope not but she already is, and is saddens me to think of all the time I have wasted to guide her away from this behavior and then to hear her verbalize her wants and her idea of needs and I get that rolling in the bottom of my stomach telling me I just may vomit! There are whole days in which it is never ending and nary an hour of solace and self reflection with all this noise. I do have feelings and they can be hurt. I am not all that cold or heartless. I just know the needs of the many outweigh the rest of us so I figure I would rectify that ratio...maybe.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.