getting a jump upon things seems to ease a burden I feel to get my life in order before my impending doom. My intentions, though noble, are always balancing on a cliff of sorts and I feel my grip with reality shrinking as I get older. I am no longer sure what is me anymore or them and what is mine to own or theirs as they have become integral parts of my life dictating and orchestrating the background music to my folly.
I am aware of a certain truth in it and find it so hard to share most days. People have their opinions one way or another and those that don't agree strongly don't and those that do don't fully understand and act like meek sheep lead to the slaughter. I don't want to lead or follow and I don't even want to walk alongside anyone. I am at war with myself and constantly battle my demons and find to walk alone would be better suited to my final days. One could say I am prostrating myself in the end and they wouldn't be wrong but it is a transformation I think that most would go through. I even contemplate about the condition if I am wrong. What will they think? Will they negate every good deed I have ever accomplish in lieu of the one or two miscalculations I have had thus far? For all of humanity I have learned to err is inevitable and just once can erase a lifetime of love and devotion. I know. I have seen it.
Order is all around me and I look back at my past and find I am not as structured as I once was. I used to be monstrous about housekeeping and storing and tidying up and now find I do so little other than the thought processes to maintain. I am no pig of sorts-I just am a lot less anal retentive than I used to be and it's made me conscientious about what I have put others through in my eclectic need to be too efficient. As I have gotten older I have figured out what matters most to me. My kid and my beloved four-legged kids and my significant other, if i have one, and family and good friends matter. There will be no more mindless scrubbing the infinite amount of dirt and dust from my world. I won't cover my scars anymore than my contempt for them and certainly will not hide them any longer. I have little of what I once had left. There are things I may not be able to do and things I want to do but certainly wouldn't because of how they may affect those I care about, but I am going to try and knock off a few things off the bucket list I have. I have accomplished a lot in my day, but it wasn't the things I wanted to so much as things others admired or wanted to do. Now it is my turn...fat lady on the loose!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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