the dire need to be wanted is super-ceded by an inescapable need to be who you are. I have tried to balance this in life and come up short and not just on height. I want to be happy and wanted and loved and catered to, but I also relish my solitude and fortitude and endurance for the uncomfortable.
It occurs to me that all creatures have a need of community. Even my kind, though more often than not, are found as loners and keeping the distance between said same species. I live for the quiet moments when I am most suited for words and education. Oh, there is stimuli all around in the form of white noise and the television, but the lack of present "living" company has its rewards. Mind you I am never alone truly but even "they" have kinship and respect for my need for solitude. Just how does a hermit like myself find a partner and lover who will grasp this as a quality in her and view it for what it is rather than stepping out and pushing away because they read more into it and consider it a personal attack? I am tired of "the game" and how it has been played and I am angry that it appears I am meant to be alone and that there really is no reward in this existence for me.
Why can't two people sit in silence and pet and comfort one another in lust and/or sorrow without the infraction of drama setting in like a fungus to an antique clock? Am I that old and archaic that I don't deserve a happy ending? To be wanted? Needed? Hope is for people who can't see their future and ignorance is bliss, but when you are of the caliber of thinker that I have become, neither comes to play and disappointment is around every corner. Mobe is having a revelation that the world could be just how she wants it instead of how she sees it if only people are willing to back up the words they say. A man tells his female friend he despises lies and tricks more than anything and yet suddenly decides they are more tasteful than the respect she deserves. A woman does something she regrets and spends the rest of her life in that relationship lying to herself time and again because she is actually afraid of looking elsewhere, believing herself to be rejected in the future.
High time I find like minded people and lover(s) who can accept what I say as truth and live and let live, with a little fun thrown in the mix. I am who I am and you are who you are going to be and respect is warranted in all situations. Not just the kind you expect to get, but the giving of it and setting an example. I am tired of seeing relationships fall by the wayside because one or both didn't respect the other and the trust bond was broken. When once you are wanted and suddenly find yourself out in the cold, it can be daunting. It hurts. And when they give no cause for concern, they don't validate the past and set you up for inferiority and insecurity for your future. I will not be afraid! I will not be alone! If I have to have a mate every day of the week and change them more frequently than clothes to find happiness I will, mark my words I will.~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
No comments:
Post a Comment